Help This Is Basically What Happened When I Realized I Fell In Love And Realized I’m Gay As Anything

You werent sudden daylight in the dark, you’re the gentle moonlight on a summer night

I thought i crawled my way out of the dark, that i carved a home into that darkness all on my own. I had, in a sense. Then i met you. The darkness had ebbed back a bit from what i did, but when i met you it went from a flood to a kiddy pool. It wasnt sudden, that’s probably why i didnt notice it at first, but that darkness became easier. I went from completely lost, to clawing my way to a better place, to making friends with it, to letting it carry me through life until i met you, and then i started to actually live again. I didnt know how or why but being around you made me feel better. Even when i was dating a friend, even when i saw him in the morning and was happy to see him, i never felt that pure lightness i did when i was around you. And then we broke up. I got closer to you. I was falling in love without even realizing it. I fell in love with you slowly, a little more with every smile and giggle and late night conversation until suddenly i was in too deep to go back. It was like being caught in a riptide, only this time instead of being swept up into the dark i was swept into the arms of the sun. Even after i realized i loved you i didnt tell you for a couple months. I was scared to lose that warmth. I had gotten so used to the chill i didnt even realize i was cold, but then out of seemingly nowhere i was warm. It was completely unexpected but at the same time made complete sense. I didnt realize it was love for a long time, but what else could it be, it made total sense. Gods the first time i hugged you after telling you i love you really did feel like being in the arms of the sun. I used to be scared of physical contact. I still am in most ways, with most people. But with you, with you its a need, a craving so deep i dont think it’ll ever leave and i never want it too. And i dont know how it happened, but falling in love with you made that darkness change. I realized i had been trying to make it go away, but i never needed to do that. It’s still there, but it’s no longer lurking, waiting for me to slip into the undercurrent and carry me away, No. In falling in love with you i fell in love with the world, with life, with myself. It was the small things. The warmth of a hug, of the sun, the color of your eyes, then the color of my eyes, your smile, then one day i realized i didnt hate my smile like i used to. I had convinced myself that i looked horrible smiling and looked much prettier with a neutral expression. But around you i smiled so much, you smiled so much, that it made me realize my smile isnt bad at all. I still think i look prettier without a smile most times, but now i know i dont have a bad smile, and now im not afraid to smile. Which is a good thing bc whenever im around you i wanna smile. Anyway, darkness, sun, tides, all that stuff. I spent so long carving out a spot for myself in the darkness, but it wasnt until i fell in love with you, until i loved you, until you loved me, until i fell in love with pieces of myself and the world, that i realized i was wrong. I didnt need to fight the darkness, wrestle and fight the tide. No, i didnt need to do that at all. Darkness isnt something you fight. It isnt something you push away and reject, it’s something you embrace and let go of. Darkness isnt a fight, it’s a dance. The harder you fight to stay in control the more you get spun around and tripped up. Loving you and loving myself made me realize i needed to stop fighting and flow with the music. I dont need a thousand suns, i dont need a way to fix everything wrong with me, i dont need to think theres a million things wrong with me, i dont need to need anything like that. I just needed to be happy, to accept there are days the darkness is my friend, a comfort when the world gets too much, fuel for when i cant keep going. And there are days that the darkness is very much not my friend, where it is pure fear and stopping me from doing anything, where it makes me lash out and confused and hurt. And that’s ok. I dont need to be in control. I will never be in control of that.

It took falling in love to realize that.

Falling in love isnt the answer to everything, but it helped a lot more than i thought it would. I never looked for love, not like this. No, i didnt fight for this. This love grew naturally, and grew and grew and blossomed into the most beautiful thing. I will fight as hard as i need to keep this love, but i know i will never control it. I never want to control this love. This love that is wild and frantic and panic and soft touches and tender hugs and carefree smiles and safety and healing and good. This love that feels like sleeping after swimming for hours, this love that feels like following the moonlight on a trail to bed, this love that feels like smiling into dying embers on a night in spring when the world feels old and new and ancient and fresh and right. This love that feels like the home i always wanted, feels like the hugs i used to be too scared to want, feels like the world is finally peaceful without it inevitably being ripped away. I will never control this love, i will nevee fight this love, but i will always fight for this love if i need to, i will fight for you if i need to, but i no longer want to fight. I’ve spent years fighting, now i just want to be soft and spend my life with you. My life my heart my time my love it’s all yours

Looks like it’s time to play Did I Fuck Up My Shoulder or Am I Just a Little Bitch

This is the closest to what i think of them as

no mourners, no funerals 🖤

Don’t worry guys it’s normal for dust bunnies to sleep there

How is he so pretty i cant

bradleyjames: Not all heroes wear capes however often people pretending to be heroes do…only they have to use a flag because they don’t have a cape. Part 2 of @amandapeixotoelkins defies distance in the name of a photoshoot #FacetimePhotoshoot

cosy ˖˚⊹

print ✶

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reblog if you wear glasses. too many mutuals don't know they have glasses wearers in their midsts

Why does florp actually fit

percy who refuses to let his anger into his home. percy who refuses to hug or kiss annabeth when he's angry because he doesn't want his interactions with her to be poisoned by his rage. percy who sits outside or goes for a drive or a walk until he calms down before reentering his home because he refuses to be the angry man that haunts a home, he refuses to become like gabe. if annabeth catches him off guard when he's angry, he tries to keep a distance as he trembles with rage that he tries so hard to quell because he doesn't want to scare her (again) or somehow hurt her. annabeth who reaches out to help him and assure him that it's fine. percy's hands that shake with anger and fear all tied in one, his touch feather light and barely there because he's afraid if he gives himself an inch with her, his wrath will explode from within him and he'll become the monster of his nightmares, the monster of his mother's nightmares.