Kyman Superhero Au Where They Know Each Other In Regular Life (and Go To The Same College) And Kinda

i was thinking a lot about stan and kyle’s attitude to romantic relationships and romance in general. and what about stan’s mental problems, i’ve decided that i strongly headcanon him as a hyperromantic person.

like, when he grows up he starts having constant romantic thoughts, he “crushes” on every person he had barely talked to and has an endless anxiety on the basis of intrusive hyperromantic made up scenarios in his head.

i just find it somehow suitable for him cause he has shown to be very sensitive + he’s the only boy having such a long term relationship and he genuinely CARES about romance.

and i honestly think he gets REALLY confused when it comes to any romantic feelings (that, and also he’s still in denial of his bisexuality + i hc him having a big one-sided crush on kyle that he hasn’t realised yet)

BY THE WAY kyle, on the contrary, is very much indifferent about romance except for when its eric.

like i strongly believe that any “normal” kind of relationship makes him bored so he can only experience romantic feelings when there had been a looong rivalry-like connection and constant fights first. he also is very slow to develop these crushes.

and he, just as stan, doesn’t really understand his feelings (remember how he was told that he is in love with heidi and he’s like “no im not!!! …….am i????”) boyyyyyy😭

honestly i think kyle always had a crush on cartman

heyyy guys idk im kinda back!!! idk if anyone’s noticed i wasn’t really posting anything for a looong time sooo uuhh anyway hii!!

Happy Birthday, Eric Cartman

A small Kenman piece I wrote for his birthday 🤲

Note: I made them middle school here but ages don't affect the story at all soooo enjoy

***

  Eric sighed quietly as he rolled over, now facing the wall. After gazing at the ceiling for the past thirty minutes, he already realized that he's not going to get much sleep tonight. How much easier it would be if he could just lay and instantly fall asleep as it always happens. But it was an unlucky night for him right before his birthday.

  He was...Moderately excited. I mean, which middle school kid wouldn't be excited for his birthday, right? Maybe some depressed dude or a lame hippie wouldn't, but Eric hated those guys anyways. He's not a little child anymore tho, so he won't jump of his bed right at 7 AM in the morning, but he was pretty excited for the gifts his mother was preparing for him and also the usual party he was hosting.

  2:30 AM already, and Eric's still wide awake. He's never getting it right before his birthday. Now he just lies and mumbles something to himself. The weather is shitty, so he can clearly hear the wind noise even through the closed window. Well, at least it's better than lying in a complete silence...Cartman thinks so until something hits his window.

Something hits his window. Suddenly all the wind noises before don't sound like wind noises anymore, because someone is clearly moving outside. God. Eric won't admit it, but he's scared. Of course he's scared, this whole situation looks like a cliche horror movie plot. The 2 AM, the window, the noises...And the next step should be dead Eric Cartman. Then a tragic morning discovery, then his crying mother at the funeral, and then...Wait, no, this isn't going to be like that. He was actually about to call his mother, but then the killer would kill him instantly or what's much worse would think he's a pussy. He can't let that happen! If someone dares to try to kill Eric Cartman at night, they should face the consequences without any mercy.

  Holding a pair of scissors in his hands, Eric was hesitant to open the curtains. That was until he heard the familiar voice through the window.

"Psst, Cartman, open your window!" the voice says.

"Kenny? My fucking God," now Eric more confidently opens the curtains and looks down - it is Kenny! Kenny Mccormick, looking at him with "open the window" puppy eyes. Somehow Eric does just that, and in a few seconds his friend is already in his room. "What are you doing here? I'm trying to get some fucking sleep."

"But you aren't sleeping. Phew, I thought I'd have to wake the princess up," Kenny says, giggling.

"Two shits you're gonna wake me up."

But in the end, they both don't look very tired, so Eric decides that he can go with that.

"Running away from home again, Mccormick?" he says mockingly.

"Nuh-uh, just going for a walk," Kenny shrugs and looks away.

"Right. A walk. At 2 AM. Through the entire town. You're such a comedian," Eric says, nearly laughing.

"Shut up. It is a walk. I'm not leaving Karen there, I'm gonna return home by morning and go to school. Just need some...time." Kenny replies, his voice a bit sadder.

"And you decided to walk directly to my house. I swear, if I was actually sleeping and you'd woke me up, I-"

"Chill out dude, I wasn't going to wake you up, I was just stopping there and thought maybe you wasn't sleeping, and I was right!" Kenny smiles victoriously.

"Uh-huh, and that's why you decided to throw something," Kenny replies with "a stick" and giggles. "a fucking stick at my window!"

"That's just a small detail," he chuckles.

"And what do you want anyways?" Cartman asks. "It's not like we can do any of the cool stuff right now when my mom is asleep. It doesn't mean that I don't want to wake up my mom, it's just-" and he begins his five minute rant about his mom and about how tired and annoyed he is.

Kenny listens through entire thing without saying a word of interruption and with a curious expression on his face. After Eric finishes, he speaks. "Actually, I came to wish you a happy birthday."

A few second silence. This, at almost 3 AM, seriously?

"Huh. You know I haven't invited anyone to my birthday yet, right?" Eric says, confused.

"Yep."

"And you know I might not invite you, right?"

"You'd be a bitch then, but yeah".

Cartman just pokes him instead of a usual "Hey!", and Kenny starts giggling again.

"So...You remembered?" Eric asks curiously.

"About your birthday? Yes," Kenny replies, visibly confused. "Jesus man, why are you so weird about it?" he laughs.

Well, not a lot of people seem to remember without me reminding them!

"You are weird, Kenny. You showed up to my house at 2 AM to wish me happy birthday."

"I just had to do it first!" Kenny says and starts laughing again.

  The situation quickly became much more lovely than it was at the beginning. It surely feels nice and weird at the same time: nice to have someone who cares so genuinely, weird to not have a need to force them to care. With all of that, Eric seems to feel...Happy?

"You know Kenny, you aren't so bad of a guy after all."

kyle and wendy being just regular friends or rivals and not liking each other sure is fun but imagine them bonding over their lovehate to cartman. imagine cartman having to fight them both. this brosistp has SO much comedy potential.

Old man yaoi this old man yaoi that wheres the actual old man yaoi

u don’t get it i NEED to see candy interactions i need them to team up and become the most powerful duo to ever exist

cartman: Hey, for a girl you’re kinda good at making evil plans, huh.

wendy: Yes, and you’re quite ok for a fat racist misogynistic bigoted stupid piece of shit.

cartman, shrugging: Who would expect we’d make such a good team.

i love how stan marsh is canonically the biggest ally and closeted bi or gay in south park

shout out to sp fandom cuz i really think we underestimate how terribly wasted heidi turner’s potential is. i mean. the girl literally dated eric cartman i can’t believe matt&tray really just ignored possible funny scenes about their post-breakup lives?? like?? it’s such a big field for jokes and plots?? her losing weight or her and cartman being passively aggressive to each other every time they have to talk?? or her being hated by the rest of the girls in the class? i’m not talking anout making her a major character, but just one episode about her future after that one arc in s21 would be really nice :( it’s so sad for me to see how she’s absolutely forgotten by everyone

also i strongly headcanon heidi as a lesbian who realised her orientation after ending her relationship with cartman and just IMAGINE how shocked he’d be when he realised the only girl who actually liked him turned out to be a lesbian after dating him. that’s freaking hilarious

damn we really need more episodes about girls cuz they’re always absolutely wonderful like am i really the only one who LOVES s23e7 (the girls board club part!!!!!) or s17e10? doubt it

ive heard the new sp special finally came out i am SO excited to watch it HOPE IT’LL GIVE ME SOME KYMAN FOOD PLEASE