I Sway, In Place,

Could there be anything worse than realizing that you're the ex Chappell Roan is talking about in "Good Luck, Babe!"?

Yes. Yes, there is.

It would be worse to mistake yourself for the ex Chappell Roan is talking about in Good Luck, Babe!

the virgin mainstream anglophone pop artist: DO NOT do things to ur appearance that I can notice, girl. I do not like it (:

the chad timeless bollywood crooner: the tinkle of your anklets and perfection of your eyeliner is sublime, oh love of my life. use your dupatta to lasso me in so that I can inhale the sweetness of your perfume

WE NEED MORE DANCING MUMMIES

There are fewer music videos featuring dancing mummies than I expected. 1997 had two, Around the World by Daft Punk and Everybody (Backstreet's Back) by Backstreet Boys. Nearly a quarter of a century went by until we had another, Nadiyon Paar (Let the Music Play Again) from the 2021 Bollywood movie Roohi.

Music videos that I expected to have Ancient Egypt-theming but don't for some reason (?!) are 1979's Egypt by Kate Bush (more modern Egypt/ruins-themed, OK fine) and, most surprisingly, 1986's Walk Like an Egyptian by The Bangles.

Granted, those were still relatively early days for music videos, but damn, Walk Like an Egyptian really phoned it in. Not even a little Cleopatra eyeliner for the performance or a picture of a pyramid projected on the background or something? Just a quick blink-and-you'll-miss-it flash for a few seconds of the four members of the Bangles in some really bad costumes that read more Temu Ancient Greek than anything? Weaksauce.

There are lots of music videos that are Ancient Egypt-themed but are sorely lacking in dancing mummies.

- King Tut by Steve Martin (1978) - Egypt (The Chains Are On) by Dio (1984), which is technically a concert recording (Live at The Spectrum 1984) but it's themed as fuck so it counts - Tut-Ench-Amon by Falco (1984) - Valley of the Kings by Blue Murder (1989) - Remember the Time by Michael Jackson (1992) - Put Your Hands Where My Eyes Could See by Busta Rhymes (1997) , which features a pastiche of themes but that's OK, it slaps - The Curse by Josh Ritter (2010) - Dark Horse by Katy Perry (2013)

Honorable mention: Suraj Hua Maddham from the 2001 Bollywood movie Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham. Because pyramids.

My former foster kitty Mavis (née Duchess) was incredibly cruel with her affections. Every time I would bring a big strong paper bag home for her benefit, she would fall in love with its crinkly noises. Then, she would use it and use it until the bag had no crinkles left, at which point she'd become bored and leave it alone. There it would sit, reduced to a sad lonely life of uselessness.

Alas, poor shopping bags, destroyed by love and then abandoned.

As a kid, you know what I thought "mythology" meant? Religion not directly based on the Bible.

And I was a Muslim?!?!?!

British Egyptologists were the original weebs.

I can't believe I've never shared this story with the Internet before. It's how something some random person I don't know and have never met will live in me forever.

It was sometime in the late 90's or early aughts. I was in my early adolescence, so between 11 and 14. I used to regularly read the PennySaver cover to cover. Why? For me, it was one of the few scattered little windows into what everyday life was like for non-famous people outside of my niche world. I also was a fast and voracious reader, but never had enough to read, especially not periodicals.

If you don't know what the Pennysaver is, it was analog Craigslist: That cheaply-printed newsprint booklet that no one subscribed to arrived in everyone's mailbox once a week. Certain ad types cost money to run, plus it ran ads. It was a more family-friendly weekly than, say, your LA Weeklies or, further up the West Coast, The Strangers. Also minus the journalism, I suppose, but there were gay people in it!

Anyway, one week, I'd read something in the PennySaver that started the slow process of catalyzing a change in my life for the better. It wasn't a wanted ad for something I had that turned out to be worth a lot of money. It wasn't a job listing that started my career. It wasn't even for a garage sale that had an item that ended up being important to me.

It was a w4m personal ad. As continues to be the case, those were much rarer than m4[literally anything]. The first sentence was "Thin may be in, but fat's where it's at!"

It was the first time I'd ever seen someone call themself fat in a way that wasn't at all negative, apologetic, or angry. This lady was saying hey, I'm fat! And I think it's a selling point even if the overall culture says it isn't!

I don't recall anything else about the ad other than that it was a woman seeking a man, and that the rest of it was unremarkable. It took a lot of other things to get me to a point of real, lasting comfort with my fatness, of course. But that little quip is stuck in my head for the rest of my life.

Thank you, random lady. I hope you're still alive, kicking, and happy. I hope you found as much love and/or miles of d1ck as you wanted, whether through the ad or by other means.

There's a Hole in the Bucket is more than just a fun little folk song. It's a warning about weaponized incompetence. In this essay I will

top 3 spam emails I've ever gotten

the one that promised me all the riches of Creosote oh my, Mx. Spammer *flutters fan coquettishly*

the one whose sender was named Mr. Sahih Al-Bukhari

the one claiming that Beyoncé is secretly Italian and lying about her age

[ not a super specific spoiler for the Ori and the Blind Forest or Ori and the Will of the Wisps, though if you've played neither but plan to and want to go in fresh, don't read this ]

The Ori game creators, probably: By the end of this, you're gonna cry so hard about a traumatized owl.

Me: I did, oh I did.

The Ori game creators: Just wait until you finish this sequel though lmao

The Ori game creators: You're gonna cry twice as hard *at least*.

Me: Oh, because there are two traumatized owls to be devastated about?

The Ori game creators: Well, there are two owls, but.

Me: You mean--

The Ori game creators: (;