I Have A Theory.

The only time we met was enough My heart is a stopped clock Stuck on one particular time

Is it just me or have people suddenly started using "the x of y" instead of "y's x" more? It comes off as so stilted to me.

just some things I got in trouble for as a kid

Accidentally stepping on a classmate's foot because I was afraid of some of the older girls so I moved quickly out of the way.

Helping a girl who got sand in her eyes to escape the center of a sand fight that broke out on the playground. The girl was normally an instigator of that kind of thing, but not that time; she truly was hurt and scared and crying and disoriented. I also got in trouble later for telling the truth about it, that it wasn't her fault that time.

Being interested in the Titanic. My immigrant teachers only knew about the Titanic as a "filthy" movie, so they assumed I was reading trashy smut. I was actually reading boring non-fiction about a ship.

Writing an honest and well-researched report about Ronald Reagan. My teacher said I shouldn't have picked a president I would criticize. I didn't pick him, my dad forced me to pick him because he worships Reagan.

you know how I know you’re gay?

Went to Costco for my updated booster+flu shot. Pharmacist asks me if I've had any vaccines in the past 4 weeks. Yes, I reply. Which one, she asks? Monkeypox, baby 🏳️‍🌈

"Your cat doesn't *actually* love you, it's just because you feed them. Oh and they only snuggle with you because they want your warmth!"

Oh, bud, do I have news for you about the origins of affection in all those other mammalian species, too.

Real talk re calling yourself an atheist vs. saying you're agnostic:

If you're willing to have believers preach at you because they think you're open minded and indecisive, say you're agnostic.

If you'd like to skip the preaching and go straight to the anger at you for daring to so shamelessly exist without belief in a deity, say you're an atheist.

Either way, they're going to be mad at you. I prefer to save myself the trouble, personally.

(For the record, I'm technically an agnostic atheist, but that is a concept almost no one gets, so I say one or the other when I'm not in the mood or place for giving a big philosophy lesson.)

Someone who identifies as straight: *flirts with my non-binary ass but is visibly confused that they're attracted to me*

Me: "I'm going to wreck you..."

Them: *shudders in mixed fear and arousal*

Me: "...r concept of what counts as sex and the construct of virginity."

*pulls out whiteboard and worksheets*

"Let's start with Hanne Blank."

The Lamb : The Goat :: Beemo : Football

Like, exactly-exactly. There's mirroring of the mirroring.

Why is no one talking about this?!?!!?!

top 3 spam emails I've ever gotten

the one that promised me all the riches of Creosote oh my, Mx. Spammer *flutters fan coquettishly*

the one whose sender was named Mr. Sahih Al-Bukhari

the one claiming that Beyoncé is secretly Italian and lying about her age