Old Blurb I Forgot About

old blurb i forgot about

Represention of Autistic Frustration in Laios Dungeon Meshi

Like many other autistic people, I related strongly to Laios Touden while reading Dungeon Meshi. This post isn't going to spend time disputing whether he displays autistic traits or not—while I could do that, I want to focus on why specifically his portrayal struck a chord with me in a way the writing of most other autistic-coded characters has not.

Disclaimer: as the above suggests, this post is strongly informed by my own experiences as an autistic person, as well as the experiences of my neurodivergent friends with whom I have spoken about this subject. I want to clarify that in no way am I asserting my personal experience to be some Universal Autistic Experience. This post is about why Laios' character feels distinct and significant to me in regard to autistic representation, and while I'm at it, I do feel that I have interesting things to say about autistic representation in media generally. This also got a bit long, so I'm sticking it under a read more. Spoilers for up to the end of chapter 88 below.

The thing that stands out most to me in regard to Laios' characterisation is the open anger he displays when someone points out his inability to read other people. This comes up prominently in his interactions with "Shuro" (Toshiro Nakamoto):

A screenshot of a flashback Dungeon Meshi panel (from chapter 38, page 20). Laios is first depicted with his hand on Toshiro's shoulder, eagerly saying, "Hey, Sureau! Tell me more about foreign countries!" while Toshiro's expression is tired and he is thinking to himself, "So sleepy..." Next, Laios is depicted approaching Toshiro and Falin, saying, "Oh, you've got plans to eat together!? I'll come too!" while the latter two blush. Chilchuck and Namari's hands try to hold him back and they are saying "Don't!" and "Stop, idiot!" respectively. Finally, Laios is drawn next to a confused and frowning Toshiro, saying while blushing, "We're friends, right...?" Toshiro's response is, "Y... Yeah." The entire panel is overlaid with Toshiro's commentary in the present, and he's criticising Laios, yelling, "Do you know why? It's because you've got no subtlety, you're dense, and you make everything awkward! On top of that, the fact that you don't mean anything bad by it just makes you /more/ annoying!"

A cropped page from Dungeon Meshi (chapter 38, page 21). In the first panel, Toshiro is speaking to Laios: "So if I kill you right here and now and take Marcille, then..." The next panel depicts Laios shoving Toshiro hard in the chest, yelling, "Why didn't you say this sooner, damn it!" He then grabs Toshiro and continues, "Why have you kept it to yourself this entire time!? About how you couldn't stand me... Or how I'm dense and awkward!" Toshiro is yelling back at Laios in the next panel: "Pretty much anyone else would have realized it from how I was acting! Why don't you try using your brain and figuring it out for yourself, huh!?" Above his head is a stylised drawing of Toshiro having to repeatedly turn down Laios with a dour expression and saying, "I'll be busy tomorrow... The next day, too... What, the day after that...?" In the next panel, Laios yells back, "How the hell could I figure that out!? I was completely overjoyed because I'd made my first friend on this island!" The final panel simply shows them tussling with each other angrily.

The frustration pictured above (Laios continuing to physically tussle with Toshiro, using crude language toward him) becomes even more notable when you remember that this is Laios, who, outside of these interactions, is not easily fazed and often exists as a lighthearted contrast to the rest of the cast. Then we get to Laios' nightmare.

A screenshot of three Dungeon Meshi panels (from chapter 42, page 2). The first one shows Laios' father speaking: "Forget about that." He continues speaking in the next panel, "Do you really think that someone like /you/ can go out into the world and amount to anything? You ended up running away from the army and school because you couldn't even adapt to life there!" but focus has switched to Laios looking nervously behind his back at two figures. The third panel is a closeup of the two figures: two young people dressed in simple uniforms who are smirking and laughing.

A screenshot of three Dungeon Meshi panels (from chapter 42, page 3). Toshiro can be seen approaching Laios in the first one, saying, "It's true. You didn't understand me, either." He continues speaking in the next panel, while Laios can be seen shaking in the foreground, "You thought that we were best friends... But all along, I couldn't stand yo—" The next panel is a closeup of Laios' face, and his face is flushed—he yells angrily, cutting Toshiro off: "Would you shut up about that already!? We've already dealt with this!"

In Falin's words: "Nightmares love emotional wounds. Wounds you hold in your heart. Things that give you stress, or things that were traumatic for you. They aggravate memories like that and cause the dreamer to have terrible dreams." (chapter 42, page 10.) (damn. i'm properly citing for this post and everything.)

Thus, Laios' nightmare establishes an important fact: even if he is unable to recognise social blunders while he's making them, he's at least subconsciously aware that other people operate on a different wavelength to him, and that he's an outsider in many of his social circles (both past and present). His dream-father's disparaging words stress the impact this has had upon his ability to live up to the expectations set out for him, and we also get a panel of kids who smirk at him (presumably former bullies to some degree). Toshiro's appearance only hammers home how much Laios is still both humiliated and angered by his misunderstanding of their relationship.

I've thought a lot about anger as concomitant to the autistic experience. When autistic representation portrays ostracization, it's generally from an angle of the autistic character being upset at how conforming to neurotypical norms doesn't come easily to them; as a result, they express a desire to 'get better' at meeting neurotypical standards, a desire to become more 'normal' (whether the writing implies this is a good thing or not). In contrast, not once does Laios go, "I need to perform better in my social interactions, and try to care less about monsters, because that's what other people find weird." His frustration is directed outward rather than inward, and as a result, it's the people around him who are framed as nonsensical.

A screenshot of three Dungeon Meshi panels (from chapter 88, page 16). The first panel features the Winged Lion—both his gaze and a claw of his point in the direction of the viewer. He is speaking to Laios, "You're /sick and tired/ of the human world." He continues speaking, smiling, in the next panel, though now a shocked Laios is shown next to him (they are both looking to the left, at the last panel): "People bore you. Monsters are /far/ more interesting. You don't even care enough about the future of this world to express an opinion about it." The last panel depicts Laios as a child, reading a book while huffing and sitting at the base of a tree. Stylised drawings of monsters float around his head. The Winged Lion continues speaking, "You can't be bothered to try and sacrifice yourself for the greater good, either. So long as your friends are safe, you don't care if everyone else gets caught up in the dungeon's collapse."

The Winged Lion starts delineating Laios' anger, and Laios' reaction is to think to himself, "It can sense all my thoughts, huh?" (chapter 88, page 16.) This is the scene that really resonated with me. I'm not saying I have never felt the desire to conform to neurotypical norms that is borne from insecurity, but primarily, I know that I don't want to work toward becoming 'normal'—I don't want to change myself for people who follow rules I find nonsensical. It's the difference between, "Oh god, why can't I get it," and, "WHY CAN'T YOU GET IT?" (phrasing here courtesy of my friend Miles @dogwoodbite). And for me personally, Dungeon Meshi is the first time I've seen this frustration and the resultant voluntary isolation from other people portrayed in media so candidly. Laios' anger is not downplayed or written to be easily palatable, either.

The first half of a Dungeon Meshi page (chapter 88, page 17). The first panel shows the Winged Lion and Laios, standing in the dark, with three different scenes illuminated under spotlights around them. In the one on the right, a woman shoves a young girl into the arms of a light-haired boy. In the middle, a taller boy has ripped papers to shreds and they rain down onto a light-haired boy at his feet. In the one on the left, a light-haired young man is being physically restrained as another young man strikes his face. The Winged Lion is speaking: "You despise other humans. And that's why you admire monsters so much. Because /monsters kill humans./" The next panel depicts two humanoid creatures with webbed fingers, long hair, and sharp teeth, crouching by a dead body. The Winged Lion is still speaking: "Monsters take forms that they use to threaten, terrorize, and slaughter humans. /"They're so beautiful",/ you think. /"They're so cool"./"

The bottom half of the Dungeon Meshi page above (chapter 88, page 17). Laios is glaring at the Winged Lion while responding to him, as small stylised dragons fly past them: "You're completely off the mark." The outline of his speech bubble is unsteady. The Winged Lion responds, "Oh? Are you telling me you've never fantasized about a pack of monsters attacking a village?" The next panel is a close-up of Laios' face—he is frowning downwards and sweating; his face is flushed. He says, "That's... Just something I did when I was a child..." The outline of his speech bubble is still wobbly.

The culmination of Laios' frustrations in this scene wherein we learn that Laios has fantasised about "a pack of monsters attacking a village" drives home just how alienated he really feels. I need not go into his wish to become a monster himself, redolent of how many autistic people identify/have identified with non-humans to some degree as a result of a percieved disconnect from society (when I was younger, I wanted to be a robot. I still kind of do.)

Obviously, wishing death upon other people is a weighty thing, but the unfiltered nature of this page is what deeply resonated with me. The Winged Lion is laying Laios' deepest and most transgressive desires bare, and they are desires that are a product of lifelong ostracization by others (whether intentional or unintentional). This is the brand of anger I'm familiar with, and that my neurodivergent friends express being familiar with, but that I haven't seen portrayed in writing so explicitly before—in fact, it surprised me because most well-meaning autistic representation I've experienced veers toward infantilisation in trying make the autistic character's struggles easy for neurotypicals to sympathise with.

Let's also not neglect the symbolism inherent to Laios' daydream. "A pack of monsters attacking a village". Functionally, monsters are Laios' special interest—he percieves everything first and foremost through his passion for monsters. His daydream of monsters attacking—killing—humans, is fundamentally a daydream of the world he understands (monsters) overthrowing the world that is so illogical to him, that has repeatedly shunned him (other people). I joked to my friends that it's an autistic power fantasy, and it actually sort of is. And in it, his identity is aligned with that of the monsters, while his anger manifests in a palpable dissociation from the rest of humanity. This is one manga page. It's brief. It's also very, very raw to me. I think about it often.

To conclude, I love Laios Dungeon Meshi. This portrayal of open frustration in an autistic character meant a lot to me, and I hope I've sufficiently outlined why. Also, feel free to recommend media with autistic representation in the notes if you've read this far—I would really like to see if there is more of this nature. Thank you for reading. I'm very tired and should probably sleep now.

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hornlessdemon

11 months ago

#LOOK AT MY BOY GO HE'S JUST HAPPY TO BE OUT #LIKE HE DOESN'T NEED TO BE A SCARY GOD ANYMORE JUST SMOOCHES WITH THE LAMB AND SILLY RITUALS

i know the cotl official art is just silly for jokes but one of my favorite things about it is the implication that narinder chills the fuck out immediately after joining the cult. hes not even snarling or bleeding from the eyes or anything