I Hate How Addicted I Get To Anything That Makes Me Feel Anything

“It’s suffocating me being here. I can’t stand the routine life I’m in. I sleep all the time because it physically hurts me when I imagine my future. Being here, doing the same thing until I die, marriage arrangement because I’m not allowed to fall in love. It seems ridiculous imagining that this is what I was born for.”

—

Fear of being boring

If you were a child who grew up fearing that you’re boring everybody by talking, then it more than likely stemmed from invalidation as a child.

Sometimes as children we find a topic we enjoy, and talk endlessly about it. Most parents might not be wildly enthusiastic on the inside, but they will show interest for the child to validate them. Mine were different, they showed absolutley no interest whatsoever, no matter what the subject of interest was. They behaved as if I was boring them, or they said they were tired, busy or had a headache. Constant invalidation or uninterest was rampant in our house.

To make matters worse, they were fascinated if my brother brought up the same subject, and to this day they both deny their obvious favouritism. And on the rare occassions they did show interest, I found myself questioning the sincerity of their supposed interest. And then it happened. “We’re doing it to be polite”. Those words angrily buzzed like startled wasps in my brain. I was so surprised and hurt that they could lie, after screaming and calling me names for some sneaky lies (“no, I didn’t do anything wrong”). I stopped talking to them about things I liked altogether, not just to them, to everyone.

As a result, if I get carried away with a subject in adulthood, I repeatedly apologise for being boring or uninteresting. And if they do show interest, I always question the sincerity of it. “Are you sure I’m not boring?” “Really? If I am I’ll shut up”. Are two of my most common phrases. Other times I won’t care and I’ll waffle on about what I please. But there’s always a part of me that holds back on too much enthusiasm. I am always second guessing whether someone is genuinely interested in what I have to say. And this, parents, is why you validate your children. Otherwise they’ll grow up thinking everybody secretly hates them and is bored by them.

“If I die before my time keep in mind I wasn’t fine”

— (via killed-long-ago)

“You were like an ocean. You looked calm and you promised me you’d never hurt me so I jumped in with no precautions. Nobody spotted me, I didn’t have any floatation devices, I was just my unprotected self. It was great at first. The water was warm and calm and I was happy to be where I was. But after a while you started to get choppy and a little cold, I was still above water but I was beginning to get scared. I stayed still and told myself it would calm down soon… but I was wrong. Your waves got higher, your water felt like ice in my veins and you were pulling me under. I couldn’t breath and I begged for you to help me but you couldn’t hear me over your own loud noise. You slammed me against the rocks and almost drowned me before you threw me to the shore. Even though it was nice to breathe again, I was cold, tired, in pain, and lost. So now I’ve been finding my way back home on my own and trying to heal myself. But all of this happened for a reason, you’ve taught me some things. The next time I go to the ocean I’m going in slow.”

— To the boy who broke me… (via no-understxnding)

“I’m lonely. And I’m lonely in some horribly deep way and for a flash of an instant, I can see just how lonely, and how deep this feeling runs. And it scares the shit out of me to be this lonely because it seems catastrophic.”

— (via flame)

I love all the little details,

Like the way you stick your tongue out when you’re concentrating

Or the dimple on your cheek when you smile.

You want to put the sun back into my life but you don’t know;

When I’m with you the aches of my anxieties melt.

I know you’re not supposed to look to people to save you, but whenever I’m around you, the world becomes simpler.

The chaos settles a little.

My mood steadies and the skies shift from a dark smoke to a soft blue.

I know I’m meant to save myself, hell I’ve tried so hard to. But the fact of the matter is, when I’m with you, I don’t have to.

i need to stop imagining scenarios in my head that have a -2% chance of actually happening it’s becoming a problem

“I think most of who I was has died.”

— (via depression-stays-but-you-dont)

“I didn’t want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that’s really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you’re so relieved. I woke up into a nightmare.””

— Ned Vizzini