Hospitaiforbrokensouls-blog - Dying

Food for thought: If I isolate myself and push everyone away then I can kill myself in peace

An apology letter to myself…

I’m sorry…I’m sorry for the days that I laid in bed, without knowing or even trying to figure out your purpose for existing or without having a will to continue living.

I’m sorry that I doubted you, and your ability to walk this life with a genuine smile.

I’m sorry for living in that hopeless mindset for years and years, without getting up to try and fix it.

I held onto the thought of a potential life long failure, to keep myself safe from my own disappointment, when I’ve only really held you back from what you could have achieved. I’ve only pulled you away from the opportunities that could have landed you on a path of financial and mental wellbeing.

I should have treated this body like a temple, but instead I treated it as a landfill for hard drugs, bottles of liquor and slit wrists.

I chose to cope with the pain that trauma buried in the deepest part of my mind, in a way that only brought 10x more crisis and hurt into my life.

I’m sorry for the actions and the decisions I made through out my dismal years.

I’m sorry for all the times I’ve tried to kill you, without thinking about the second way out. But somehow we found it, floating in the missing thoughts that hopelessness hid from us.

So I’m sorry, but I also want to say thank you, because without the trauma, the horrible experiences, the childhood of pain, and all of the struggles, I wouldn’t have ever been able to find the strength I have now. I wouldn’t be able to appreciate the small things that a lot of people take for granted.

Thank you for helping me become the light when I stopped searching for it.

“Depression in the summer is not the same as any other time, it’s night lights at 3 am and blackout curtains at 5am. It’s eating once a day at midnight and drinking soda at 1 in the morning. Sleeping until 3 and feeling empty. Everything is hot and bright, it makes me sweat and hurts my eyes. I close the curtains.”

— -Brendon/1:52am (via trans-tas-tic)

Coming to the conclusion that nobody actually wants me or needs me. I’m unimportant and invisible. I’ll soon disappear and everything will still be the same it’ll be better for everyone, the good thing about people not caring about me

To the girl we lost to suicide

I can’t stop thinking about you. You committed suicide over the summer but I still can’t accept the fact that you’re gone. You put on a fake smile for everyone and laughed until you cried. Your family misses you, and so do your friends. We had a suicide prevention assembly after what happened, your friends had to get up and leave because they couldn’t stop thinking of you. Everytime I hear your name, my heart breaks a little. It’s hard going through each day not hearing your laughter. The night you decided to end your life you texted your friends, “I love you guys,” but they never thought twice about it because that’s just who you were. You had so much love to give. You were so beautiful, and so loved. We miss you babygirl. Rest easy.

I always fall in love with the illusion. But what can I say? It feels so good.

— Rose O.