“No Matter How Hard I Try I Will Always Be Left Out, Will Never Be As Important As Them, Will Always

Food for thought: If I isolate myself and push everyone away then I can kill myself in peace

“haha i don’t care" 

*goes home and cries*

I have always, without a doubt, been a strange girl. Noticeable uncomfortable in my own skin, a constant desire to shrink and shift into somebody, something, anything else. Disappearing being the unattainable goal and going unnoticed the runner up prize. Never the life and soul of the party, never invited to the party, never the best friend more so the acquaintance.

Every ounce of kindness I have ever been shown by anybody, I grasp into with both hands and hope so desperately for it not to slip from between my fingers. It never lasts and it never turns out the way I would of hoped.

Every single relationship I have formed with anybody, has been ruined or tainted in a way, through nobodies fault but my own. I am a wrecking ball and I can’t help but destroy and break and ruin. I am alone, so alone and so painfully lonely. Hurting myself doesn’t suffice and thoughts of throwing it all away are a constant.

After all, what’s the point in it anyway?

I can’t deal with my family anymore, they complain that I sit in my room and not talk to them enough and when I do, every single time without fail it ends in a argument leaving me feeling even more drained and done. Then they still wonder why I’m like this. 

“My only relief is to sleep. When I’m sleeping, I’m not sad, I’m not angry, I’m not lonely, I’m nothing.”

— Jillian Medoff,  Hunger Point.