When You Don’t Want To Do Something, Like You Don’t Want To Go Out Or Don’t Want To Research Colleges

“And when my mother asks me what’s wrong I just say I’m tired because I don’t have the heart to tell the woman who gave me life that I don’t want it anymore.”

— (via wstdxo)

Someone once said to me, “I hope the pain eases soon.” It struck me as the purest blessing that had ever been offered over my head - I hope the pain eases soon. It’s so gentle, so kind, so hopeful. So to everyone who’s hurting: I see how hard you’re trying, and I hope your pain will ease soon.

me, sitting in my room drowning in rubbish, staring at one spot and not doing anything just feeling numb and lowkey suicidal: what if i faked being mentally ill

Food for thought: If I isolate myself and push everyone away then I can kill myself in peace

I wish I didn’t feel so strongly. Whenever I get attached to somebody I become sick. For example, I have a crush atm and even though having a crush should be fun I’m just anxious. I think about him 24/7 and I feel incredibly sad and uncomfortable if I don’t hear from him in a while.I also keep thinking about how I’m just a consolation prize and he probably wishes he had someone better than me. I have serious abandonment issues and I probably shouldn’t even be with anyone tbh. 

Whenever I fall for somebody they become the main focus in my life and I lose myself. I lose interest in everything else but them. I know it’s super unhealthy but I can’t stop myself from feeling like this and it sucks. 

I haven’t heard anything from my crush since this morning and I want him to contact me first because I want to know that he likes me and wants to stay in contact even if I don’t make the first move. Waiting for his message sucks. Usually at some point he does message me but in the meanwhile I feel like I’m dying. I think I should start to see a therapist again because I’m a mess. I’ve recovered from some of my mental illnesses but this one seems to stay and it’s called BPD. 

An apology letter to myself…

I’m sorry…I’m sorry for the days that I laid in bed, without knowing or even trying to figure out your purpose for existing or without having a will to continue living.

I’m sorry that I doubted you, and your ability to walk this life with a genuine smile.

I’m sorry for living in that hopeless mindset for years and years, without getting up to try and fix it.

I held onto the thought of a potential life long failure, to keep myself safe from my own disappointment, when I’ve only really held you back from what you could have achieved. I’ve only pulled you away from the opportunities that could have landed you on a path of financial and mental wellbeing.

I should have treated this body like a temple, but instead I treated it as a landfill for hard drugs, bottles of liquor and slit wrists.

I chose to cope with the pain that trauma buried in the deepest part of my mind, in a way that only brought 10x more crisis and hurt into my life.

I’m sorry for the actions and the decisions I made through out my dismal years.

I’m sorry for all the times I’ve tried to kill you, without thinking about the second way out. But somehow we found it, floating in the missing thoughts that hopelessness hid from us.

So I’m sorry, but I also want to say thank you, because without the trauma, the horrible experiences, the childhood of pain, and all of the struggles, I wouldn’t have ever been able to find the strength I have now. I wouldn’t be able to appreciate the small things that a lot of people take for granted.

Thank you for helping me become the light when I stopped searching for it.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* reblog or like if you ever felt like this*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

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“haha i don’t care" 

*goes home and cries*