When Will I Stop Pretending That I’m Okay?

Fear of being boring

If you were a child who grew up fearing that you’re boring everybody by talking, then it more than likely stemmed from invalidation as a child.

Sometimes as children we find a topic we enjoy, and talk endlessly about it. Most parents might not be wildly enthusiastic on the inside, but they will show interest for the child to validate them. Mine were different, they showed absolutley no interest whatsoever, no matter what the subject of interest was. They behaved as if I was boring them, or they said they were tired, busy or had a headache. Constant invalidation or uninterest was rampant in our house.

To make matters worse, they were fascinated if my brother brought up the same subject, and to this day they both deny their obvious favouritism. And on the rare occassions they did show interest, I found myself questioning the sincerity of their supposed interest. And then it happened. “We’re doing it to be polite”. Those words angrily buzzed like startled wasps in my brain. I was so surprised and hurt that they could lie, after screaming and calling me names for some sneaky lies (“no, I didn’t do anything wrong”). I stopped talking to them about things I liked altogether, not just to them, to everyone.

As a result, if I get carried away with a subject in adulthood, I repeatedly apologise for being boring or uninteresting. And if they do show interest, I always question the sincerity of it. “Are you sure I’m not boring?” “Really? If I am I’ll shut up”. Are two of my most common phrases. Other times I won’t care and I’ll waffle on about what I please. But there’s always a part of me that holds back on too much enthusiasm. I am always second guessing whether someone is genuinely interested in what I have to say. And this, parents, is why you validate your children. Otherwise they’ll grow up thinking everybody secretly hates them and is bored by them.

“It’s suffocating me being here. I can’t stand the routine life I’m in. I sleep all the time because it physically hurts me when I imagine my future. Being here, doing the same thing until I die, marriage arrangement because I’m not allowed to fall in love. It seems ridiculous imagining that this is what I was born for.”

—

I wish I didn’t feel so strongly. Whenever I get attached to somebody I become sick. For example, I have a crush atm and even though having a crush should be fun I’m just anxious. I think about him 24/7 and I feel incredibly sad and uncomfortable if I don’t hear from him in a while.I also keep thinking about how I’m just a consolation prize and he probably wishes he had someone better than me. I have serious abandonment issues and I probably shouldn’t even be with anyone tbh. 

Whenever I fall for somebody they become the main focus in my life and I lose myself. I lose interest in everything else but them. I know it’s super unhealthy but I can’t stop myself from feeling like this and it sucks. 

I haven’t heard anything from my crush since this morning and I want him to contact me first because I want to know that he likes me and wants to stay in contact even if I don’t make the first move. Waiting for his message sucks. Usually at some point he does message me but in the meanwhile I feel like I’m dying. I think I should start to see a therapist again because I’m a mess. I’ve recovered from some of my mental illnesses but this one seems to stay and it’s called BPD. 

you hate when people see you cry because you want to be that strong girl. at the same time though, you hate how nobody noticed how broken you are.

“I am painfully aware that I am no one’s favorite person”

— unknown (via there-will-be-violence)

“I want to be rebuilt but the tears keeping putting out the fire. My soul is screaming and I walk away like I am training myself to stop throwing tantrums. I failed middle school art class because I’ve never been good at drawing lines. I don’t know where justified crosses over into the irrational. There’s a bitter in me. But nobody cares to hear it.”

— V.P.

i can’t even begin to explain how much i hate when someone just interrupts me when i’m in the middle of saying something. like it probably took me a while to get over my social anxiety and actually formulate my thoughts so they come out at least halfway coherent and you just interrupt me and start talking about whatever? that’s fucking rude. i already don’t feel like anything i say is valid enough to be voiced outloud. so thank you for reassuring my shit brain by interrupting me. you just made me feel even more invalidated. thank you so much for that jackass

one day I will meet a person who won’t find my mind a little too heavy. who won’t tell me to stop thinking and overthinking. someone who understands that loving people so much is who I am. someone that won’t call me a handful. someone who is ready to love with all they have too. someone who wants to take on this world with me by their side. that will be a happy day.