Salim: It’s Been A Rough 24 Hours, We Could Stand To Do Something Stupid

Salim: I raised a man with a softer heart than the world deserves.

Salim, raising his stake: fortunately for him, my mother cannot say the same

Eric: The Middle East is on the brink of war-

Salim: Brink???

Rachel: Why is it that men look so peaceful when they're asleep? Like they aren't actively ruining my life when they're awake?

Salim: Sleep is just death being shy, and no man can hate a woman when he's dead.

Rachel: What the fuck.

Jason: ARE YOU-

Rachel: Fucking.

Jason: KIDDING ME? YOU-

Rachel: Fucking.

Jason: IDIOT!

Nick: What was that?

Rachel: Salim bet Jason couldn't stop swearing for a week, so I’m helping him out.

*Rachel has broken up with them*

Eric: Wow.. Rachel really hates us.

Nick: Maybe she's homophobic?

Eric: We're not a couple Nick.

Nick: We're not?

Rachel: You're not?

Nick: Hey we should do this insane dangerous thing that would get us all killed!

Jason: My beautiful baby angel child who can do no wrong, you are usually right but in this case I'm going to have to ask you to sit this one out.

Nick: Aw, okay :(

Eric: Or, we could-

Jason: *shoots him dead*

Jason when he disagrees with Nick: I’m sorry buddy, but no.

Jason when he disagrees with Eric:

Salim: Jason, can you do me a favour ?

Jason: i would literally cover up a murder you committed, plant my dna at the crime scene and take the blame for you.

Salim: cool i guess ? can you do the dishes please ?

Jason: no.

I’m definitely not supposed to be doing maths

Maths work???? On my desk????????? Nooooo

Nurse: You scored a 25/27 on your mental health questionnaire.

Jason: So that means I'm good at mental health, right?

*Crisis Counselor enters the room*

Jason: Ah, shit.

Jason, depressed, lying on the floor: I just feel like a noodle

Salim joining him on the floor and hugging him: Good, I like pasta