There's At Least As Much Hermetic And/or Merkabah Imagery In Evangelion As Christian Imagery, If Not

Happy shmoo hunting, Tumblr!

Cracktheories About the Vanessaverse

Last year, @strange-aeons released a YouTube video about what she calls the Vanessaverse: the seemingly half-intentional alternate reality in which Netflix's Vanessa Hudgens Christmas movies are set. It is a deeply hilarious and fascinating video and you should watch it, if for no other reason that this long post will not make much sense otherwise.

Because, you see, I've been crack-theorizing about the Vanessaverse, and what I've come up with feels sound enough to share, at least on Tumblr.

I have two separate cracktheories, so let's establish some terminology and some common elements, first.

The Vanessaverse differs from our own in that much of Eastern Europe is controlled by an incredibly powerful, reality-warping entity that I call the Eldritch Master of Secular Christmas, or EMOSC for short. Who or what this entity is, and what its purpose is, differs between cracktheories. I call EMOSC's domain the Christmas Realm.

The Christmas Realm extends across southeastern Europe and possibly parts of western Asia. Outside this area, EMOSC's power to warp reality is severely limited. This is why Scotland and the US are (relatively) similar to the way they are in the real world. Montenero is a special case, it seems: an independent country on the fringe of EMOSC's influence, highly analogous to real-life Montenegro, and the location of choice for diplomats from the Vatican, or the rest of the world, to interact with EMOSC.

Native subjects of the Christmas Realm, however, and those around them, may be influenced by EMOSC wherever they are. This is one explanation for why seemingly unaffiliated protagonists and other characters wind up experiencing effects and narratives that should only occur within the Christmas Realm (but that commonly occur in highly sentimental straight-to-video movies). It's possible that EMOSC is able to psychically influence people whose ancestors came from the Christmas Realm, and those close to them.

So much for commonality. Let's get into the individual cracktheories about what's actually going on in these narratives.

Cracktheory 1: The characters of the Gaffer and the Crone are both aspects of the Eldritch Master of Secular Christmas, which manipulates its subjects according to strange and inscrutable whims, mostly revolving around matchmaking and the concept of secularized Christmas. Within the Christmas Realm, it is considered taboo to speak of Them or Their powers. Instead, one should pretend that events are entirely ordinary. It's possible that the Gaffer and the Crone are able to alter people's perceptions, so that they don't notice any contradictions. The latter would explain how the Gaffer and the Crone are able to create bizarre secular-Christmas situations ouside the Christmas Realm.

This version of EMOSC is fairly benign, actually, at least as far as we know. It seems to be managing Its own affairs, for the most part, occasionally calling a child of former subjects home, but little more. It seems to just like to mash the action figures together and make everything Christmassy.

In this theory, the self-referential Netflix Christmas movies are "based on a true story" or actually dramatized documentaries of some kind, made for an audience interested in EMOSC, but they respectfully obey the Christmas Realm's taboo and pretend EMOSC doesn't exist.

Cracktheory 2: EMOSC is, in fact, Vanessa Hudgens: a vast polydimensional, chrono-dynamic entity that can manifest a possibly infinite number of avatars of itself into multiple timelines broadly similar to our own. This is a more malevolent EMOSC, obsessed with stage-managing complex, WandaVision-like scenarios for its avatars and whoever catches its attention. It is even able to manifest avatars outside the Christmas Realm, although sometimes they end up looking a little less like EMOSC's chosen appearance as a human. The power and selfishness this implies makes this version of EMOSC seem like an incredibly dangerous entity to cross.

In this theory, the Gaffer and the Crone are avatars of a far older and more benevolent polydimensional entity, that is trying to contain Vanessa Hudgens and limit the damage It can cause to the Multiverse. This entity can't face EMOSC direcly, and has to resort to subterfuge and redirection in order to keep itself safe while still mitigating EMOSC's machinations. It seems to only be able to manifest one avatar at a time, although understanding how these entities interact with linear time is difficult for baseline humans.

Also in this theory, the self-referential Netflix Christmas movies are produced directly by EMOSC Itself, in furtherance of Its goals. They may actually have some sort of esoteric effect on baseline humans, but are also useful in reinforcing core Vanessa Hudgens characteristics on avatars that may be diverging from EMOSC's consciousness. It's also highly likely that they are EMOSC's way of creating an audience for the scenarios It likes to act out.

What are YOUR theories about the Vanessaverse?

Don Quixote, except it's a small child who runs away from home in order to have the kind of adventures that parent-less children in children's literature and media have.

Possibly their pet puppy or chicken or crow is their Sancho Panza. It doesn't really talk, but the kid's buried self-preservation instinct is projecting onto the pet in an attempt to reach the kid.

I volunteered last year with a retired engineer who once transported a space probe instrument from San Antonio, Texas, to Berne, Switzerland, in a series of inanities that would make an incredible Wes Anderson movie.

I didn't notice who reblogged this and I was WONDERING where the heck it was going...

Which made it all the sweeter to find out it's an Emberlynn joke!

I might actually use this one, someday.

A character with "true sight," or some kind of uncontrolled visionary episodes, isn't suffering from "misidentified psychosis," but is intuiting an extrapolated future based on the information they have.

They can predict the future, but it looks like insanity or a neurological condition. As they get older, more experienced, and better informed, their visions will get more accurate. Assuming they can survive that long.

Because even being right, or living in a culture that believes in oracles or prophecy, won't guarantee you get believed or respected. After all, humans are humans... or maybe I should say, people are people. If nobody wants to believe that something is a bad idea, they won't. If everyone wants to believe the army can brush the enemy aside without much trouble, they will despise you for harshing their vibe.

And don't think it will get better if you're right, or keep being right. They won't apologize to you, or change their attitude toward your prophecy (well, a small minority might). Most of them resent you for making them look bad, and will find a way to blame you for the very thing you warned them about.

UPDATE: Yes, the kittens do live next door. We had no idea!

The problem with having "free range" cats is that they will annex properties and people you don't have control over, into their territory. I hope they eventually learn that the neighbors' dogs can't keep them safe up here. At least they'll put a dent in the vole population.

This is here because I can't post photos on the local message board. I'm trying to find the owner of these two kittens before the raccoons get them.

there's a difference ok

Look at this. Look. At. This.

I don't give a flying flet how unfinished or crude this is. I love it. It's cute and whimsical and the lack of polish just inspires me to share my own stuff.

At the same time, I am awed by anyone who is able to coax this much of their artistic vision out of a damn computer.

Hehe, cow