I Want You To Know That Most Abusers Are Just Cowards. I See A Lot Of Domestic Abuse In My Part Of Town.

i want you to know that most abusers are just cowards. i see a lot of domestic abuse in my part of town. it's everywhere, all the time. being a trauma survivor, i am often re-traumatized and heavily triggered when i witness these things. i am overcome with nearly blind rage, because every part of my brain begins to scream "Don't let what happened to you happen to them!" the bystander effect does not apply to me. i am not the person who stands there too scared to move. i act.

earlier today while i was waiting for a ride to go see some friends, i overheard a guy fighting with what i assume to be his girlfriend or ex. normally i just leave people be when it's just words being exchanged, i can't really do anything to stop two people from spiraling into an argument. however, as i watched, i noticed the guy kept getting within inches of the woman's face, puffing out his chest- clearly showing signs that he was ready to hit her. he was throwing things and charging at her. these are clear signs of aggression. he was barely stopping himself short of body slamming her.

i couldn't handle it. from across the road, i screamed "Don't you FUCKING touch her." at the top of my lungs. instantly, the guy sank into himself, visibly scared. without turning to look at me, he kept telling me to fuck off and to not get involved while walking away from me. i didn't listen. i followed him and kept shouting for him to leave the woman alone. he wouldn't listen. finally, at the top of my lungs, now way closer to this asshole, i shouted "I'm doing this because I want you to know that people are watching you. We are watching you do this."

what did this guy try to do? he finally turned around. slowly, carefully tried to approach me. as slow as fucking possible. this guy was moving at a snail's pace. he could ZOOM up into this woman's face, practically bumping her with his chest, but the second it came down to approaching a masculine, 300 LB musclebound person with a beard, chest hair, and a deep voice, suddenly, he was scared. he didn't have that machismo anymore. suddenly, he wasn't the big man.

he would not get within 20 feet of me. he meekly backed off after I told him to fuck off several times. he was so fucking scared of me he was practically thankful for me telling him to get the hell away from me. he was thankful i didn't come over there and beat his ass and he should've been. i have had to step in in other situations like this, and the EXACT. SAME. THING. HAPPENS.

i have stepped in on 2 separate occasions before this to chase off abusive men from harassing their partners. one such occasion was my next door neighbors arguing so loud i could hear them in my apartment at maximum volume. like, as if i was in the room with them. the woman had divulged that she had been sexually assaulted by one of the guy's friends, to which he told her it wasn't assault, she was just cheating on him. obviously the verbiage was far worse than how i'm describing it here. same thing happened. i flew into a blind rage

by the time i got out of my apartment and over to theirs, they were throwing hands. luckily i was able to get myself between them and pull the woman under my arm. once the man saw me, he immediately turned into a sniveling coward. he would not come anywhere near me. this man refused to even take a step in my direction. he wouldn't even say anything to me. instead, he runs off to his car and tries to take off. because he's fucking scared of someone calling him out for his bullshit.

another time some guy was screaming at his wife on christmas eve in front of their children- this was my neighbors on the other side. i had this bullshit going on all around me. do you see why i couldn't take it? this guy was quite possibly the biggest idiot and the biggest coward. at first i told him that his kids are going to remember that for the rest of their lives and that he needs to get his shit together. he deflected all of it by asking why i was getting involved and i told him because it DOES involve me. everyone around you can hear you. you have now involved the community. this guy literally not ONCE turned to look at me. his head sank down into his shoulders and he would not even look at me. he was scared shitless. he kept pulling the brim of his hat down over his face: embarrassed. where'd all that confidence go, huh?

abusive people are genuinely the most cowardly people you will ever come across in your entire life. i'm serious. this pattern extends well beyond the times where i was willing to risk my safety and even my life to help other people. it really is incredible to see the transformation happen before your eyes- an abuser is with their victim, someone they can turn inside and out and they feel so cool and confident, but the second someone they can't control steps into the picture, its all over. they're a wreck. suddenly that composure is gone. they're not in control and that scares the shit out of them.

abusive people are not powerful. they're not stronger than you. they're not smarter than you. they're scared fucking cowards who will do whatever it takes to get what they want out of life without actually having to do anything. they can't even survive being confronted with their own wrong doings. if you are in an abusive situation, your abuser wants to make you think that they're a mastermind, that they're so much smarter than you and that you're a fucking idiot, but all they're doing is warping your perception of reality. these people are seriously fucking as cowardly as it gets.

now please read this: I know what i'm doing is dangerous. i am VERY physically strong and am always carrying a cane, meaning that i always have a weapon on me at all times. please acknowledge this. please don't get physically involved with anyone in these types of situations unless you are dead sure you can hold your own in a fight. i'm serious. i am also capable of identifying concealed weapons because i used to have friends who concealed carried. if you notice a weapon DO NOT ENGAGE. i ONLY approach UNARMED people.

you have no idea what could happen in a situation like this so be careful when attempting to close a gap. what's safer is to start recording what's happening on your phone, and to try to gather the attention of everyone around you. letting abusers know that people are watching them scares the fucking shit out of them. they don't want to be caught or observed, they just want to continue to get away with whatever they're doing because they're convinced they're in the right. forming a mob is the easiest way to diffuse a public abusive situation. the aggressor WILL back down if you bring enough people. outnumbering the person is the way to go, the more of you there are, the easier it is shield the victim, and chase away the attacker.

we HAVE to start taking care of each other as a community again. this is literally HOW abuse propagates. this is literally how abusers gain their power in the first place. when you are completely closed off from your immediate community, no one can help you. when your community ignores each other out of fear of 'stranger danger', your community falls apart. you don't have one. there IS no community- and you can't just live like that. we NEED community. the reason why capitalism is both killing us and cannibalizing itself is because it destroys communities.

please look out for your neighbors. they are people. they are real fucking people. they are not an inconvenience. they are not an annoyance. they are real humans with real problems and sometimes they get into real danger. i don't care if you're young and you think it's weird to try to befriend your elderly neighbor. you never know when they might be able to help you. you never know when they might need your help. you never know when, hell, they might just want to, i don't know, talk. please look out for each other. please don't just stand there when you witness someone being hurt. please don't go "oh it'll resolve itself" or "I can't step in because that girl will just go back to him later" or whatever dumb excuse our brains come up with when we're scared.

if you're scared watching an episode of violence, think about how scared the victim is. you are experiencing nothing in comparison. please do what you can to protect the people around you. even if it's calling for your other neighbor who is bigger and more physically imposing, whether it's calling your family members or friends to come help, please rally together your local community and help each other when and where possible. literally even shouting things like "hey, what's going on over there?" "hey, what are you doing?" "what's with all the shouting?" can rattle their nerves and diffuse the situation. your voice can be a weapon.

as someone who went through years of severe emotional, emotional and physical abuse at the hands of a really abusive ex, i desperately wished at multiple times during our relationship that someone would've stepped in and helped. and no one ever did. and it resulted in me getting my fucking right leg broken. i have a permanent injury that will stay with me for the rest of my life because i wasn't able to walk away and nobody stepped in to help me. look. if i can do something to stop that happening to anyone else: i'm going to. nobody deserves a broken leg over a verbal argument over literally fucking nothing. nobody deserves to be treated like shit just because someone else is a sniveling coward who thinks they can get their way by pushing other people around. i'm not humoring this shit. if i can be the voice that haunts abusers in their nightmares, i'm happy to fucking be there.