As If There Were Any Doubt..

A Dream About A Maze

Tonight’s the night. It has to be–

I’ve been patient, biding my time, ignoring this urge in the name of an experiment but also because some part of me was hoping it’s all a lie I’ve convinced myself of. That I could break away.. I’ve always known what I am. At first it was easy, and I’d gotten hopeful. The dreams dulled to a myriad of eyes, a cacophony of screams. I got dms, offering to share memories and I politely held my resolve but then the ache began to grow steadily like a raw and aching wound in my chest. 

Now that ache has developed into everything I’ve feared the most. This parasocial relationship has become my religion and way of life. So here I am, in another bedroom. In the end it’s no big surprise, I crossed the line a lifetime ago in a reality far from this one. Torturing myself with guilt isn’t enough to hold me back anymore. I want to know the feeling of touching that high again, even if the heart palpitations kill me. I think she understands that when I look at her. 

Megan is watching me back, frightened, but I look through her all the same. Her eyes are dark, frantic and searching mine for any humanity. Yet she found none in any of them. This has become a methodical practice, and I was far too desperate to show any delay. I was beyond reasoning, and nothing more than a caged animal. The eyes are the gateway to her soul, and so my fingers stabbed down into the pupil of her eye, and again we meet in this same place that we always do. 

Megan Awbrey was lost. I could feel that much, the stirring of dread like dead leaves in the wind reverberated through my chest. I had been in the mall with friends, this was just supposed to be a girl’s outing, not only a week away from my birthday. How had I found myself.. Here? It’s a long stretching room, painted a shade that seemed to be red or orange. The loud and bright coloring was miles away from the crisp white of the mini mall that I had been in only moments ago. The only way out was a vivid lilac door. “Erica..? Dana? Where the fuck are you?!” my voice comes out as the sound of an agitated young woman, in her 20s- 22 to be exact, her life had only just begun. I try to shake off the building anxiety and make a move towards the blue door with a huff, only to find the gap between the door and I pull. I was sure I had moved and yet the door remained the same distance away. 

Something is terribly wrong here, I can feel it in the air. Something heavy that sends hot and cold flashes through my body, making my vision dip and swoon, my ears ringing- I am so terribly trapped. I zip open my purse, fishing out an old tube of chapstick. ‘If I really am going nowhere, this chapstick will stay in my line of sight as I’m making a dash for the door,’ I think to myself, dropping it down onto the old, thin carpeted floor and watching it roll slightly into the baseboard of the wall. Megan is congratulating herself for her forward thinking as she takes quick little steps down the ugly ashen hallway, she almost forgets the dire situation she has found herself in, until I look back and see that the chapstick is nowhere to be seen. More direly, I hear footsteps. Fast, quickly closing in footsteps, and so I- Megan, begins to run down the hallway, desperately trying to reach a door she cannot even remember the color of. 

She had not gotten this far through nursing school, to ultimately be backrooms-ed to death. She thinks this under a litany of other frantic and half aborted thoughts- because you barely even have time to think, when you’re running for your life in high heels, mind you-

It was about the time that the hallway went awash in a creamy off putting shade of yellow, that I remembered that I am not Megan Awbrey. This thing I’m running from, at the end of the hallway is just a part of my dreams, and therefore a part of me. I slow to a jog and eventually a halt, refusing to look back at what is probably rapidly advancing. I can hear it’s footsteps on the walls, the ceiling–

“May I ask you a few questions? I feel like you have something to tell me.”  And the voice is so terribly mine, that it catches me off guard. It is me, so suddenly that I feel off kilter, ripped from a dream. It’s quiet for a minute and then, “You can ask, but you’ll never find answers.”

..

What do you do, when you find yourself interrogating your own memories? Are you truly getting the answers you so desperately crave, or is my own subconscious feeding me my worst fears? Is it all an exercise in vanity? 

“I need to know what you are. Please, what is your nature?” I sound frantic to my own ears, and I realize I have disregarded the questionnaire in feverish hope of something making sense. I have no script to rely on now. “I am the gaps in your mind, the fear of chaos. You are living on something concrete, but I am the in between,” The anomaly before me grins wide, drinking in my reaction. I shudder; suddenly this hallway seems so far from the warmth of the sun. Chaos incarnate is one way to look at them, and yet somehow I felt as though they were playing with their answer. “Have you always been force of the impossible coming into reality?” My fingers twitch, the nails clicking against each other in anticipation. At this vague and cryptic question, they cock their head in curiosity. 

The question is at the tip of my tongue, ‘Were you always this, or was it something that was inflicted upon you?’ but I think better of it, instead choosing to ask, “Are there others like you?” 

“Many! More than you could hope to find in your dreams. So many of them were hapless victims that found themselves taken over by an entity outside of human comprehension. Have you ever watched someone get chewed up in the mouth of fear and swallowed down until there was nothing left of the person you knew before? That is what they are! Victims have been fed to the fears countless times, and it will happen again.”

“Why do they do it though? What do they want?” 

“Well, if you were a being that defined yourself off the fear of others for allll of your existence…what would you want, more than anything after being left in silence for as long as we have?”

“They want to be known.” I decided, because that had to be it, right? They wanted to be recognized and seen for the fearful creatures they once were- at least to inspire new fear just as they once had. Could it even be as simple as that? “Is that what you want? To be known?”

“Do I look like I do?” 

I suppose not in the traditional sense. This was a being of complete chaos and contradiction, that much was readily apparent to me, and yet I think this entity would not be entertaining my inquiries if they didn't want to at least be recognized for the disorder and breaking of boundaries that they represent. They are a creature of many branching facets that wishes to be studied by inquisitive eyes- maybe I was just the man to bring them that. 

“I think you have been left craving for a long time.” I finally settled on. “You would know about cravings, wouldn't you? How many memories have you strangled from people's subconscious?” There's a tone of teasing, light and airy and yet the bitter accusation underneath is digging into me deep. “This is my dream and you don't have power here,” I mutter, trying to focus on something so I could force myself awake. I desperately needed to ground myself.

“Oh don't be so coy, dear Jules. You haven't been perfecting your dream hunting because you want to help others.” 

“I'm going to count backwards from 3, and then I'll wake up. Three,”

“All this pride, all this fight… oh,  be honest with yourself. Yoouuu liked it~” 

When the impossibly long, slender fingers of the entity ran along my chest, I couldn't help but let out a breathless gasp, a tremor running up my spine. It then became apparent to me that no matter how otherworldly I felt and looked in these dreams, there was still a part of me that felt vulnerable and human… and most of all, afraid. They could smell it on me, and I was mad at myself for giving in so easily. 

“I'm nothing like you,”

“Oh no? You're not drinking in the fear? My, maybe he was wrong about you after all.” 

And suddenly, the fingers stabbed deep into my chest, causing me to leap awake, grabbing at myself. As I work on catching my breath, I know when Megan finally found herself free from that monster, she never found her friends again. A sickening part of me is more focused on the possibilities our conversation has presented, rather than the guilt I should be feeling though.

.. And isn’t that just terrifying?

peeks head in here

how's things going? haven't heard from you in a bit.

hope you're ok and making progress on your kin journey!

-the neon attic

Thank you for checking in on me, Neon Attic. I appreciate the message. In truth, I may have found myself a bit confused as of lately, and accidently made a kinfirmation announcement which may have turned out to be false.. Again. Now that it’s brought up however, I would like to make an invitation to any of the following fictionkin or fictives;

*Anyone from the source The Mandela Catalogue, especially the alternates

*Anyone from the Everyman HYBRID source

*Those who are from Marble Hornets

*Anyone from The Magnus Archives, but Especially any Jons or Elias’’

Some of my questions will pertain to dynamics and relationships in the sources, the more traumatic experiences within your source, and possible mental/phantom shifts you've experienced in relation to your identity. I feel I could probably gain a great deal of insight from these sources specifically at the moment, so if you are interested in reaching out, please answer this kincall. My dms are always open.

hi jules !!! i hope youre doing okay <3

i was just thinking about your Kin Search and a source or two popped into my head that felt like they could possibly be a match for you!! so if you’re still looking for sources to check out, i would Definitely recommend EverymanHYBRID + TribeTwelve and Marble Hornets!! I tried to check to see if these were mentioned on your blog somewhere to see if youve looked into them, but im at work so im a bit limited in my research abilities rn :’) theyre all actually YouTube ARG series!! theyre a bit funky and hard to follow tbh, so i have some really great analysis/explanation videos saved on hand if youd like to see those!!! feel free to message me if you wanna discuss them a bit <3

Thank you so much for reaching out to me. In truth, I’ve actually been looking into this source recently so it is a funny coincidence that you happened to send the ask at this moment. I appreciate it though, Everyman HYBRID definitely holds a special place in my heart, and the themes of a repeating timeline or script, along with the heavy themes of being watched in these sources stood out to me significantly. There are a few sources I have not yet added to my list yet because they have either been suggested since the date I posted, or I have not yet viewed and/or revised notes on said sources, so I am currently in the middle of a second viewing of Everyman HYBRID and Marble Hornets. I would absolutely love to discuss the series more in depth with you, at your earliest convenience, of course.

not sure how to start this right but hi there! im mod star from the non canon kin blog :) i really hope this doesn't sound weird but after reading your ask & your profile i thought you seem really interesting & wanted to share some things in hopes they're useful to you in any way.

from your description & lack of an identified source it made me think you could look into oc kin? i'm kin of one of my own ocs, from a universe i've been creating & expanding on for around 6-7 years by now, so perhaps oc kin is something you could try looking into! i also thought of something along the lines of general cryptid kin & naturally villain kin, i don't know if that's very helpful to you but you know, i'm sorta going for the vibes you give off in the hopes it can maybe lead you somewhere? awfully sorry if any of this feels a bit vague, feel free to ask for clarification if needed!

Thank you for reaching out to me, Star. Again, thank you so much for taking a chance on the ask that I sent you. I have been looking into OC kin more extensively as of late because it was actually suggested that I research it recently by someone else as well. It definitely is a strong lead, so I will take your suggestions into heavy kinsideration.

jules, i just gotta let you know that its always a Delight reading what you have to say. the way you talk is so captivating, please never change <33333

I appreciate, and reciprocate this sentiment. In our interactions thus far, you've been incredibly helpful, and in truth I've been having a bit of a rough time with this.. “not asking others about memories” thing. I guess some part of me is more dependent on the social interaction than I'd originally thought. So thank you for reaching out to me, it means a lot

Otherkin beings, alterhumans, nonhumans, therians.

Send me an ask and tell the world what you are. Use as many or few words as you want without censoring yourself. It can be written like a poem or straight forward and simple. Do what feels right for you.

My goal is to collect and archive until we have enough entries to make a zine out of it that can be downloaded and passed around for free. I want to make our voices less quiet. 

How it works

You send me an ask. Short and simple example:

“I’m a ___.”

I will post your ask (I'll use the queue to space the posts out a bit) and put it down on the zine as:

“I’m a ___.” -Anonymous

If you don’t want to be cited as anonymous, you need to tell me. Like this, for example:

“I’m a ___. -Blue”

You can ad as much information as you want. An example:

“I’m a ___. -Blue, they/them, 21”

That would look like this in the zine:

“I’m a ___.” -Blue, they/them, 21

I hope I explained it in an easy to understand way!

I will cite the asks exactly how I receive them, including things that I think are typos. I don’t want to accidentally change something that was done on purpose. If you want to correct a mistake you’ve made, just comment under the respective post. I can’t allow this for anons because I need a way to know the request comes from the being that made the original ask.

Update

We already have over 30 entries! Given that number, I can confidently say that this zine will happen. I already started working on it. I'm excited! 

(Some of these entries are bringing me to tears omg /pos)

Attention Fictionkin & Fictives of Tumblr, and Discord

I have a strange request that I have finally decided to put out there into the ether. I have found myself in the unique position of having strong feelings and possible memories without knowing the source, and this has been weighing on my mind for a while.

How this happened was that I viewed and interacted with a currently popular piece of media, which I related to and falsely led myself to believe that I was connected to that media in a way that I wasn’t, and then went on to join a discord server centered around said piece of media only to find that I was inserting myself somewhere I did not belong.

That being said, while I have learned that I am not fictionkin of who I thought I was, interacting with the many wonderful systems and individuals in said discord server has left me feeling that something there was familiar. The only problem is that some of the fictives and such that I interacted with were not all from the aforementioned source that the discord was created for, and I have absolutely no idea what set off this feeling. 

Now, if you haven't already scrolled away, here is where my proposal comes in– 

I would like to interact with some of you who are fictionkin, fictives, or have experiences similar to what I mention in this post. One such way I offer we do this is that you direct message me, or send me an ask in anonymous if you are uncomfortable sharing your blog name, just keep  in mind I will be unable to respond without posting the information you give.

If you choose to contact me, anything you share with me will be private and not shared on my blog. I will hold your memories, your secrets, your fears close to my heart as if they were my own. I will have a lot of questions, questions specific to whatever media you come from, questions in general about your specific experiences and your feelings pertaining to said experiences- so please be mentally prepared for a lengthy interrogation if you do. Some topics and main points in the last media that lead me to believe I was fictionkin of that material was;

*Horror 

*The feeling of being in a doomed timeline, and sense of dread. Like imminent death is irrevocably upon us, in mere days.

*A sense of crippling guilt. I feel as though I've gambled the very lives and souls of- not only myself, but of those closest to me. I want to remedy this, if I truly have created the irreparable damage that I feel so strongly

*A possible fourth thing that I'm holding close to my chest right now because it spoke to me profoundly and it just feels.. personal, in a way it shouldn't. It should be rather mundane and something I should be able to talk about and yet I can't. 

These may be helpful to take note of during our interactions, if you ever feel yourself lost on where to start. I possibly have one singular memory, but it was the tipping point on what made me realize I was not the fictionkin I thought I was, and so far I have not seen any matches in media so this may be largely unhelpful.

 Another suggestion on how we may interact is through fictionkin discord servers. If you are okay with the possibility I may not be from your media source, feel free to send me an invite to your discord server. This will be unfortunately a one sided relationship where I will be looking for information from you all but not offering to share any information about myself, because I am a deeply paranoid person.

I am overall uninterested in marring my perception of things with unnecessary biases such as feelings. That being said, I will be a model discord member, and be sure to follow all of your rules. Despite what I said above about not being willing to share anything about myself, if you are on an 18+ discord server and wish to invite me, I am willing to hand over verification information. 

If you are worried about how I will conduct myself in your server, I can have those from the last server I was in vouch for me if need be. If you are wondering  why I am so intent on finding my identity in this strange way, I need to feel like no matter what I've been through, no matter  what I've done, that there is an answer. If I don't have an answer, if I truly don't know, that just feels like death. I can't accept that. 

I know this post is probably a bit chaotic, and makes me come across as untrustworthy, so if you take a chance on me,  I thank you. 

A Dream About A Ghost

I wake up in a dark bedroom, standing in the farthest corners of reality- stop me if you've heard this one before. It's not the shadows that thread themselves in my corporeal form that surprises me, nor is it the way the room seems warped with some macabre version of what you'd see in the daylight, when your fears aren't taking the steering wheel to your mind. 

No, it's the reaction of who I'm visiting that gives me pause for a moment. He's scared, yes. Just like the rest of them. His eyes are locked on me as his breath hitches in his throat.. but then his face smoothes in recognition. It's so jarring that it makes me pause, uncertain if I should continue on with what I set out to do, or if I should stay rooted to my spot like the ignoramus I am.

See, I had been under the impression that there were rules to this. I don't get to leave until I've played my part, and they can't leave until they play theirs. It's why they lay there paralyzed while I stick my fingers into their eyes. Most importantly though, is that we can't speak. And yet he looks at me with fond eyes and says, “Which one of him are you? You've visited before.” 

I feel deeply ashamed, like I should remember visiting him, but I don't. There's been times that I suspected I had these dreams and yet all I remember are vague shadows and screams when I wake up. He must've just been lost in that haze, because I'm trying to recall his memories, and I'm coming up with nothing. I want to ask him just how many of ’me’ are there out there? Who are you? But my tongue is weighed to the bottom of my mouth. 

So I settle for the next best thing, and wade in, closer. At this, he winces slightly, and I realize he knows exactly what I'm going to do to him, and as easy as it can be to lose myself to this… thing, this headspace I get into.. It's hard when he's reminding me that there's a part of me that's still human. I stare him over; the way his throat seems to twitch lightly with his breathing, the way he's watching me close in on him, like I'm nothing more than a tide coming into shore. He gives me a sad smile, but these waves are crashing all the same. I lift my hand over his face, and take a second to drink in his expression, hoping maybe somehow he'll do something to stop me. 

He doesn't. He just smiles and says, “I know you have to.” And I do, so I plunge my finger down into the pupil, and let myself break down into the quickening of his pulse again. 

It's all so hazy, like when you move a polaroid camera too much before taking a picture, but through that haze I can see that our gaze is deadlocked ahead to the water’s edge. The wind is howling, so much that I almost don't hear the faint calling of a name carrying over the crashing of waves against large broken down black rocks that speckle the shores. My gaze stays locked on the horizon, and there's nothing for a sickening moment. There's just the chill of the fog dense air weighing me down. I feel like a bug stuck in molasses, and it just doesn't seem fair. 

This guy, he tried so hard just to keep his head above water, to do the right thing and now he is trapped here, doomed to watch his life pass him by in a cave of his own making- and could anyone blame him? For letting the emptiness swallow him whole, when he had nothing but good intentions? The chill sinks down to my bones, and yet he doesn't shiver, he's just perfectly still. Like a picture. His breath is slow, but he's in shock, and he's just staring dead ahead, ignoring the calling of his name over the quietness of what could be forever. Could I be stuck here forever? If I stay trapped in this memory, in this body will I ever reach a point where I'm found and the nightmare is over, or will it go on and on until it feels dull and empty?..

There's a part of me that looks forward to these dreams. It feels healing. It gives me life and meaning, but this? I couldn't watch this, it was too much. So I tried despite everything to get him to move. It doesn't work like that though, It's a memory. I can't change the course of a memory no matter how much I try, and I was still trying to kick and scream through the waves that were weighing down my body. We aren't too different, this man and I, because he too is somewhere deep under the sea. Something is holding him there, and while it may not be the eye of god, we're still being held there by the very same thing- fear. This man truly might be doomed, I had to claw at the walls of this grave he's found himself in, and steal him from this fate before he was lost to the sands of time.. and I was shouting despite everything, despite it going against my very nature, 

“Don't be afraid..! Don't be afraid!”

I, of course, woke myself up. I was crying in my sleep, which took me aback because usually when I have these dreams, I feel like adrenaline is lighting me up, and the acrid taste of fear in the back of my throat- I didn't taste anything. All I got from this dream was a profound sense of loss.

Hello, Star and Blue. You have a lovely tumblr blog, and I think that it is wonderful that you help so many other fictionkin who reach out to you online.

I have a big ask- one that is possibly too much to request, so if you do not answer I will not take any offense. I’ve seen Kin Calls on tumblr, and I think I would like to make one of sorts, unfortunately I do not know the source I am from, and I am aware that this goes against what you specifically stated in your pinned post.

For full disclosure, I’m not entirely sure who I am, but I certainly feel like I may be a villain. It makes me feel guilty, to not even be certain what I’ve done or who I inflicted my malcontent behavior upon, so I decided I would branch out to other blogs on Tumblr in hopes of fixing things to the best of my ability. 

That being saiiid…. I have a confession. There is a certain phenomenon that wriggles around in my very being. It breathes life into me where I would otherwise feel hollow, and I have become addicted to the acrid taste on my tongue- fear, and ideally a heightened measure of it. I really can’t help myself nowadays, the draw to the unknown horrors of this world that dance just outside of our periphery should be sought after, at the very least to document it,  but I feel so overwhelmed by the level of satisfaction that I get when seeking out said feelings both in myself and others. 

Sometimes I really can’t help myself, there’s something about the way people’s blood seems to run backward in their veins and they get that hysterical sound to their voice, the way their pupils dilate and seem to tremble in their very eyes is so very attractive… It’s a game of wits, to see if you can outlast the very stress response (Your fight or flight), and I’m sure there are people out there that know what I’m talking about, when I say there isn’t quite anything like this primal dance that we call horror, in the world.

 I think it’s wrong that I feel this way, and I just feel dreadful afterwards when I find myself giving in (But I always do), I imagine it feels so much worse to have memories of being on the receiving end of something so vile though. So to anyone reading these words, if you are a fictionkin from a doomed timeline, and you see familiarity in me, if you feel personally victimized by me: This is an invitation to reach out and receive a proper apology. I may not know who or what I am, but I will right this terrible wrong, mark my words. 

mod star reporting for duty >:) thank you so much, you'll make us blush! speaking for mod blue on this one since im sure it feels the same, we love hearing kind words about the blog! i know i've said this a few times before but i never expected this blog to actually fill a wanted niche amongst the Kins of Tumblr. that being said...

!! kin call !!

please feel free to reach out to OP if they resonate with you !!