I Feel I Should Address The Elephant In The Room

Attention Fictionkin & Fictives of Tumblr, and Discord

I have a strange request that I have finally decided to put out there into the ether. I have found myself in the unique position of having strong feelings and possible memories without knowing the source, and this has been weighing on my mind for a while.

How this happened was that I viewed and interacted with a currently popular piece of media, which I related to and falsely led myself to believe that I was connected to that media in a way that I wasn’t, and then went on to join a discord server centered around said piece of media only to find that I was inserting myself somewhere I did not belong.

That being said, while I have learned that I am not fictionkin of who I thought I was, interacting with the many wonderful systems and individuals in said discord server has left me feeling that something there was familiar. The only problem is that some of the fictives and such that I interacted with were not all from the aforementioned source that the discord was created for, and I have absolutely no idea what set off this feeling. 

Now, if you haven't already scrolled away, here is where my proposal comes in– 

I would like to interact with some of you who are fictionkin, fictives, or have experiences similar to what I mention in this post. One such way I offer we do this is that you direct message me, or send me an ask in anonymous if you are uncomfortable sharing your blog name, just keep  in mind I will be unable to respond without posting the information you give.

If you choose to contact me, anything you share with me will be private and not shared on my blog. I will hold your memories, your secrets, your fears close to my heart as if they were my own. I will have a lot of questions, questions specific to whatever media you come from, questions in general about your specific experiences and your feelings pertaining to said experiences- so please be mentally prepared for a lengthy interrogation if you do. Some topics and main points in the last media that lead me to believe I was fictionkin of that material was;

*Horror 

*The feeling of being in a doomed timeline, and sense of dread. Like imminent death is irrevocably upon us, in mere days.

*A sense of crippling guilt. I feel as though I've gambled the very lives and souls of- not only myself, but of those closest to me. I want to remedy this, if I truly have created the irreparable damage that I feel so strongly

*A possible fourth thing that I'm holding close to my chest right now because it spoke to me profoundly and it just feels.. personal, in a way it shouldn't. It should be rather mundane and something I should be able to talk about and yet I can't. 

These may be helpful to take note of during our interactions, if you ever feel yourself lost on where to start. I possibly have one singular memory, but it was the tipping point on what made me realize I was not the fictionkin I thought I was, and so far I have not seen any matches in media so this may be largely unhelpful.

 Another suggestion on how we may interact is through fictionkin discord servers. If you are okay with the possibility I may not be from your media source, feel free to send me an invite to your discord server. This will be unfortunately a one sided relationship where I will be looking for information from you all but not offering to share any information about myself, because I am a deeply paranoid person.

I am overall uninterested in marring my perception of things with unnecessary biases such as feelings. That being said, I will be a model discord member, and be sure to follow all of your rules. Despite what I said above about not being willing to share anything about myself, if you are on an 18+ discord server and wish to invite me, I am willing to hand over verification information. 

If you are worried about how I will conduct myself in your server, I can have those from the last server I was in vouch for me if need be. If you are wondering  why I am so intent on finding my identity in this strange way, I need to feel like no matter what I've been through, no matter  what I've done, that there is an answer. If I don't have an answer, if I truly don't know, that just feels like death. I can't accept that. 

I know this post is probably a bit chaotic, and makes me come across as untrustworthy, so if you take a chance on me,  I thank you. 

🔪🫀🍳🔥🍔🍽️💁🏻‍♀️

(I'm sure you can figure out the story I told you in emoji format.)

Anyway, happy Ides of March, Julius

-Leyley 🩷🖤

As a lover of horror, I understand this was a sacrifice that had to be made

Also, at least throw a side dish in there you monster

i think i responded to something you posted somewhere but i figured i'd just reach out here instead!

from my own kin stuff and source and everything, i don't know if you've gone through the magnus archives before but what you're saying sounds a lot like someone deep within the beholding to me. that need to watch, to know things even if it destroys you or others, the intake of others stories. it reminds me of jon honestly with the guilt aspect of it, or maybe even jonah or elias, maybe the archivist from the magnus protocol.

either way, you're always welcome to reach out and talk about your own experience or process of figuring things out!

-marcus keay (non-cannon magnus archive)

@the-neon-attic

I've been hearing that name come up a lot actually, among a few others. The need to watch in spite of the destruction it brings is a good way to put this feeling, you certainly hit the nail on the head there.. There's something more to this though, it's parasitic in nature. I feel as though I'm filling a hollow part of me that's raw and hungry with the mismatched parts of others' memories just to feel whole, and I never have a way to compensate them for this favor. Not in a way that really matters, or makes up for the damage. If that is what the beholding feels like, then I might just have a few questions for you.

am the anon who sent the magnus archives. if it's anything the green you use is similar to the magnus archive's green. i don't personally think it's jon because you're posts doesn't read asshole like he is but well, i don't really know you in real life so who knows.

You know, it's funny. I have gotten a lot of suggestions for the magnus archives as of late, not just on tumblr but in other fictionkin communities as well. I'm going to lay everything out on the table and be completely honest here. I took a glance at the source material, and it felt like it might actually fit what I've been feeling. I made this blog with the intent of getting answers, of righting some terrible wrong that I have felt echoes of my whole life. I should be so thrilled that something seems familiar to me..

So, why don't I just listen to it? A part of me likes how so many people have suddenly come to my dms to tell me their experiences and memories related to their identities, and for a moment it's like we're sharing something together. They were all so nice to me. It feels like a genuine connection, if even for a moment- and I guess the feeling was so nice that I forgot the original thing I had sought after in the first place. 

So I have so many helpful suggestions saying to look into the magnus archives, and I'm scared if I roll the dice and happen to land on a source that I can kinfirm, it'll all go away. Or worse, that after so many people have suggested it, if I go and rule it out they'll be disappointed. 

I wasn't expecting to make friends, when I created this blog. Maybe it's selfish of me to want things to stay the same, or maybe this isn't even making any sense, but I really do appreciate everyone who has written to me. Does anyone else feel this sort of anxiety when they interact with sources they could possibly be from? Feel free to reach out.

helloooo jules! it is i coming to throw another idea into the pit, or more correctly, re-casting it out there. i have been pondering intensely over all kinds of media i know, trying to find anything that feels right with your Descriptions. then i thought to myself it would be somewhat amusing, in a way, if you turned out to be oc kin. then i thought of it some more. of course, i know that we've talked about me being oc kin before, but i figured bringing it up again wouldn't hurt. after all, not much to lose from it!

i think perhaps the issue of oc kin can seem a bit daunting, because you're essentially stumbling around in the dark with no reference to any specific media to guide you. the way i have dealt with this over the past 7 years of oc kin happenstances is no more & no less than essentially... envisioning a variety of Things that may or may not fit, & then keep/discard depending on what feels right (this is why i have so many kin mems of this kin, outside of the fact that obviously i know things about this Media since I Created it. there is actually a distinction, which i can attempt to describe in further detail if you need it). in crude terms, the process is more or less stumbling around in the dark & throwing random things at a wall to see what sticks. i would assume other oc kins may have Different experiences but i have never met another oc kin, or at least not one to my particular flavor of it, so i can only talk for myself.

i am realizing that this is getting quite Long so i will leave there & it may be somewhat confusing to read BUT you know you're entirely free to ask me whatever questions you want for more info & clarification so feel free \(￣︶￣*\))

tl;dr: re-suggesting the idea you may be ockin; possibly confusing explanation of how i navigated being from a Thing that doesn't exist except in my head in the hopes it may be of help to you

That is very possible, in fact it’s probably the most likely at this point, given the fact I’ve latched on to every recount of memories that have come my way thus far. Your memories and experiences have illuminated spots of my life where I would have otherwise felt lost, so I deeply appreciate that you trusted me enough to share those experiences with..  Another thing I’ve been mulling over is if I could be conceptkin. Nowadays I feel like memories are all that I am, could that feeling hold a deeper meaning? Or could I even be a simple manifestation of my own fears? The longer I go without answers, the more attractive that possibility begins to seem- though I guess it wouldn’t explain the odd dreams that have haunted me. You are right, having nothing to reference back to does make me a bit nervous, but I knew this whole process wasn’t going to be easy regardless of the outcome so I’m fully ready to face that possibility and come up with a plan to better organize and keep track of memories. I’ll definitely keep OC kin in the back of my mind as I go through all my notes, but I want to rule out all potential answers beforehand. Thank you for reminding me though

🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪

.... I probably should've expected this

Final Conclusions;

I bludgeoned sobriety with a bat, and left it dead in the woods. It died an ugly death, kicking and screaming as I tore it limb from limb- because I am so hungry. I can’t help it, I don’t want to know what I am without someone here to latch onto the memories of. I can’t help it, this is who I’ll always be. So now that you know I’m trapped, let's get into our findings;

Within  the very beginnings of the experiment, I found that when I received notifications in my dms, I felt a nervous energy. It was almost an impulsive reflex, telling me to answer my dms. That I was breaking the rules of social interaction. According to my two observers that I unwittingly roped into the experiment, they had said that my urge to return back to these behaviors showed an overall consistency, or as Steph lovingly put it, “(...)You were crawling out of your skin since day one.”. 

That being said, I had noticed a steady increase of sporadic behavior from that point on, including thrill seeking urges that included a momentary fantasy about going bungee jumping or taking a detour into the woods on my way home from work to scream until my lungs give out. These urges were accompanied by dietary changes, cravings for starch based comfort foods that suggested that I was under stress.

 The idea that I was under stress is further backed up by the observations of my aforementioned participants of choice, one of which (Evan, the problem child) had brought to attention my discomfort multiple times throughout the experiment. 

At the end of the experiment, it had been brought to my attention by Steph that, “You’re trying to collect and address primarily qualitative data with quantitative methodologies and as a result are losing out on a lot of useful information, both in this experiment and general interview practices,” which was a great point, seeing as throughout the entirety of my blog, I've been trying to assign tangible and numerical findings to something as intimate as kin memories.

 Now that I'm back, I plan to remedy this, starting with openly sharing about what makes me experience mental/phantom shifts, and what has spoken to me so far throughout this search into what source I belong to. 

Ocean Eyes

There is an eye at the bottom of the ocean, belonging to an old god whose name has been forgotten, but still leaves echoes in the memory of man. It's there, under the rolling waves and aquatic life. In a constant staring contest with our sun that's dripping crimson with the blood of so many who have given into their fears, the eye gazes not just on that sun but through every life that has ever lived in this reality we've found ourselves in, and so many others.

 When it finally blinks, the world will end. This is a fact. The Earth will begin to swallow us whole, and nature will take back what we've stolen from it. Bridges collapsing and headlights careering into the star filled glinting sea, into doors that were never meant to be opened. Fear and panic in the air, do you feel it too?.. and when that eye blinks, our sun will too. I want to look down into those depths just so I can reassure myself it's fine. ‘It was just a dream, a terrible, terrible dream that you had because you went into cardiac arrest,’

But it's still wriggling in my brain, pulling in and out of my periphery like a tide. So I think..

I'm going to run a little experiment. I've mentioned my urges- 

My fixation with hearing others experiences and memories, my drive to feel that connection, and to pick at the more distressing details of said memories. I would like to stop completely, just to see how uncomfortable I'd get. I want to document how long it takes until my resolve cracks, just to get a sense of how trapped I really am in this cycle.

So, if I don't post for a while, my blog isn't dead! I'm simply trying not to fall into a pattern that I've been feeding into for the past 3 months. I will post the results when I feel I've gotten satisfying results.

🔪🔪🔪

-- steph

Always fashionably late to the party, huh Stephanie? I'll have you know I'm settling in for a long night of rewatching your source material to decompress tonight. Also hey-- ow

About Problematic Kin

While I take this brief interlude on my blog, I would like to make something abundantly clear that I have had others inquiring about-- I will never turn away problematic or ‘antagonist’ fictionkin and fictives. 

I have seen you pushed to the wayside without anyone allowing you to get your foot in the door, or taking the time to understand your story. It's a shame because I have met so many wonderful kins who hesitate to interact with their own communities, and if I shut them out, I would have missed out on some genuinely wonderful interactions.

 To the HABITs of Everyman HYBRID, the Andys and Ashleys of The Coffin of Andy and Leyley, the Kevins of Welcome to Nightvale,  and the Jonah Magnuses of The Magnus Archives, I want YOUR STORY. I want to understand your experiences, your memories but most of all I want you to know that you aren't alone. Whether you're a slasher from a horror film or a protagonist from a source material that has gained a reputation.. I would like to hear you out, to understand you in your entirety because I too have been marked by something horrific, and it has defined me my whole life. 

I want you to know that while it may feel impossible to stop that feeling, maybe we can all peer into the unknown together, and find joy in this life in spite of previous ones.