DRAGON AGE: AWAKENING (2010) ↳ The Turnoble Estate

rook what have u done

M.L.Rio, “If We Were Villains.”

Common Fanons That Are Confused As Canon

Through my time of collecting lore and learning things about Thedas I've come across a couple things of fanon that leaked into lists of canon elements. Which was an interesting little thing to follow the rabbit hole of where they even originated. While making this list I did ask others for any that I might have missed or not seen because I wanted to be thorough as I could when even making this list. I haven't been in the fandom long enough to see all the things that have come up.

To be clear, I thought it was neat to see what became so pervasive in the fandom to become easily mistaken as canon or misunderstood. I'm also not discussing whether canon as it stands is "good" or judging the fanon or anything like that.

I just wanted to put it all together in a list, especially as I have had friends who were getting into the series and ask about certain things; as well as Dragon Age Summer hitting us soon and new interest in the series abound.

General

Mages can sense other mages The closest source I can find to this is the fact that Anders states that he can "feel the power in you". No other mage states anything similar and could likely be attributed to the fact that he is possessed. Much like how Cole can sense your magical connection as an Inquisitor. An outlier is how Keiran can sense your magic regardless of if he has the Old God soul; but he is also not confirmed to be a mage as of yet.

All Saarebas always have their lips sewn shut/horns cut off This seems to originate from da2 specifically, with the model of Ketojan having the scarring, the other saarebas missing horns, the concept art, and then boils down to BioWare being inconsistent with their lore/depictions. Most of Thedas fixates on the fact that the Qunari have saarebas with their lips sewn shut, the Seer's yarn tale denotes that tamassrans tell the story of a saarebas with their lips sewn shut, the tarot art for Saarath, and the flippant joke between Sera and Iron Bull. But, the lore specifies that it is in extreme cases or in general that it can occurs but it is not the standard. [WOT p. 103 & 128] Much like tranquility, it is used as a form of punishment - one that we know can and is abused by certain factions. We also see saarebas characters in Inquisition who do not carry either of those traits. Specifically Hissera (multiplayer), Saareth (Trespasser), Heroes of Dragon Age models, and some Qunari in da2.

All Saarebas have their tongues cut out This is seperate from the previous point due to the different source of this fanon. It seems to be an exaggeration of one particulare line from Sten. In dao, Sten will state during the Broken Circle quest that "This is why we cut the tongues from mages, in Par Vollen." He is very general with the statement, but contextually it is reasonable people took this to mean all mages. However, since dao it has been made clear that it is not a universal practice throughout the Qun.

Elves are shorter than humans This one does have a clear point of where this started, though it is never stated in lore, back in Origins elven models were universally shorter than humans. But from DA2 onward, male elves were only shorter than their human counterparts of the same sex while female elves are shorter than both human sexes. Fenris is taller than f!Hawke while both forms of Hawke are taller than Merrill. Solas, Abelas, and a m!Lavellan are taller than female human characters but all human characters are taller than female elves (except Sera who has a female human model).

Dalish are illiterate This is a little less clear to me where its origins started. Perhaps based off of medieval period history (which da isn't necessarily medieval in time period) or due to the fact that most common folk in certain regions in Thedas are illiterate and reliant on pictures over written words. But we know from the Witch Hunt dlc that the Dalish keep tomes of their history and of the ancient elven empire. They also actively translate ancient elven script for their own records. Whether this is role restrictive or not is unclear, but we do know that the Dalish are literate in both Common and semi-literate in ancient elven script.

Dalish and City Elves don't have contact This seemingly comes from a misunderstanding stemming in the city elf origins in dao where some npcs will comment on how Dalish might be myths. However, in dao, da2, dai, the comic Knight Errant, and the novel The Masked Empire, that elves from both sides do semi-regularly trade people with each other if not visit certain alienages, as well have other points of contact with each other. Pol, Zevran, Coran (Vaea's uncle), and potentially Feynriel are all city elves that join Dalish clans. Merrill and Arianni are known Dalish who join alienages.

City elves are genetic/physical differences from the Dalish elves This one I have seen around a lot, most stemming from the idea of the previous one that the elves in the city are generations apart from the Dalish, implying they have no contact with each other. Which could be true for certain alienages. But as far as lore is concerned there isn't any example of this, not even as being a point of reference for the Dalish to consider any of the aspects as to what makes them "less of an elf" in comparison to Dalish.

Elves pass on their elven traits Most seem to know this isn't canon, albeit one of the less popular canon elements; but new fans don't always know this. It is popular fanon to give half-elven children the reflective eyes, smaller stature, more angular features, straighter nose bridge, and/or pointed ears from their elven parent.

Only elves can have mixed kids with other races This seems to come from the fact that elven traits aren't passed on to their kids when mixed parentage is involved. However humans, dwarves, and vashoth can all have mixed kids from the other races. According to Patrick Weekes, this decision was made consciously to avoid very racist and harmful rhetoric. We know of many elf/human mixed kids: Alistair, Eiton, Feynriel, Gestan and Thale (residents of elven area of Halamshiral), Kieran (conditions), Michel de Chevin, Rinnala, "Sabina's Brat" (son of the elven prostitute Sabina at the Blooming Rose), Slim Couldry, Tainsley (Potentially. Is described as a 7'(2.13m) human, though he references a Dalish uncle.) While mixed dwarf children are rare simply due to dwarven fertility issues we do know of two dwarf/human kids: Keiran (conditional) and the child of Tyrdaa Bright-Axe(Avvar) and Hendir (dwarf).

Elfroot leaves get you high/is Thedosian marijuana This is another Origins era thing, due to an easter egg that made a play on the American "This is your brain on drugs" anti-drug campaign using elfroot. This was then repeated in 2015 when Patrick Weekes said that its medicinal properties were rediscovered in 4:20. [Source] Elfroot hasn't been shown to get anyone high in canon, it is the roots that are primarily used as medicinal. In World of Thedas (WoT) vol. 2 the recipe for Dalish Deep Forest Comfort says you can substitute elfroot for spinach making the leaves more vegetable in quality. That said, marijuana leaves are edible and rather nutritious. They just don't have the chemical make up to induce a high. Those lie strictly in the buds. According to Origins, elfroot does flower though.

Red lyrium is completely different and more dangerous from blue lyrium This one is all on BioWare in regards to this misconception. Because while yes, it is more dangerous than the blue lyrium, they aren't two seperate substances. More that red lyrium is a branch off. To cover the generals of the written lore of lyrium it breaks down like this: Blue lyrium in it's raw form innately toxic to just be around to all but dwarves, however it will kill a mage who gets too close in proximity. That proximity being within the same room while non-mages would have to touch the stuff. It also has a pension of self-combustion without warning or a clear cause. When it is refined down for templar use it is "safe" for non-mages to come in contact with and consume. Whether this level of refinement is the same level as what is used to make various cocktails and liqueur is unclear. But we do know that getting too close, being in same room as lyrium refined to this level, is enough to make a mage sick. Finally, we have the most refined and diluted stage of lyrium, this is used by mages to make potions, certain alchemical work, and other things. This isn't enough to kill a mage, make them sick (without extreme over use), and infact can result in positive outcomes for a mage. Red lyrium overlaps with most of that, with a couple key differences. First off is that red lyrium doesn't seem to self-combust. There is some contradiction on whether or not non-dwarves can mine it as due to game mechanics you can destroy it, but the only ones we see mining wild nodes are dwarves. But if the red lyrium is grown from a living creature it seems accessible to all races? In codices about the various types of red templars, we learn that a small vial around a templar's neck is enough to make all the mages in the area around him sick.

Character Specific

Alistair

Alistair is a dog person I couldn't track any clear origins for this, it seems to be a case of overlap with the stereotype that "all Fereldan's love dogs" and a mix of building off of a line of dialogue about him being raised by the hounds and them being his family. However, he doesn't seem overly one way or the other. He mocks dog at times, talks down in not such a playful way, and at times seems to treat dog with the same attitude he does Morrigan though not as blatantly. This could be chalked up to his joking nature though.

Alistair's obsession with cheese While he does admit to an obsession to cheese, it is often cited that Alistair makes a ton of cheese jokes in dao. When in truth he only makes four through out the entire game. Given his joking nature it is up to personal interpretation of how much he actually loves cheese.

Alistair and Cullen knew each other before Origins This is more specifically that the two went to the same monastery for their templar training. There is no canon evidence for this though. That said, there is a possibility due to not knowing much of anything about how the Templar Order trains its recruits nor the amount of monasteries they have in Ferelden for training.

Alistair collects toy soldiers This seems to come from the gifts he can be given during the Feastday dlc. Canonically he is given runestones and carved statuettes of various types stone. These statuettes are described in a manner closer to effigies than toy soldiers.

Alistair's mother is not Fiona This one is a bit funny as it has multiple origins and is dependent on the player's experience with the series. From what I have gathered there seems to be one of three sources: - People who never read the Dragon Age novel The Calling - People who read The Calling after playing dao and feels like it is a retcon (though The Calling was released prior to the release of dao, same with the novel The Stolen Throne) - People who take a "chuck the baby with the bathwater" approach to the lore The funny thing about this is that the cover story in dao for Alistair's mom is based off a combo of things; the hypothetical scenario Fiona told Maric and answers she gave Maric when he asked what to tell Alistair if he asked about his mother. The hypothetical was that Fiona would not return to the Circle and would hide from the templars and pretend to be a washer woman. When Maric asked what to tell Alistair of his mother, Fiona said to tell him his mother was human as she did not want him to deal with being half elven and all the stigma that comes with that as well as to tell Alistair that she was dead.

Avaline

Aveline is straight She will kiss Hawke regardless of gender and ask them if they ever considered her and them. Though it is clear she never had romantic interest in Hawke in particular. An easily missed aspect I think given the general opinion of Aveline as well as most people seeming to not choose the flirtatious option with her.

Blackwall

Blackwall doesn't have a sense of humor This one genuinely surprised me considering he jokes with Sera, The Iron Bull, and Solas. His banter shows as much that he does have a sense of humor and tells jokes. But it does seem pretty common of a fanon characterization for him.

Dorian

Dorian paints his nails His model doesn't have painted nails in game, but it is a popular fanon. There is nail polish in Thedas though. It's mentioned in the novel Masked Empire as well as the novel Last Flight. It seems to be of Anderfles origins, but given the Last Flight is post Orlesian occupation, it could originate in Orlais.

Lady Mantillon said, tapping an elegantly lacquered fingernail on the polished wooden arm of her chair, “we will fail, or we will be killed. Neither is acceptable.” - Masked Empire, Chapter 17 p. 362 Every one of her fingers glimmered with a jeweled ring, and her nails had been freshly lacquered. - Last Flight, Chapter 13 p. 144

Fenris

Lyrium can be drawn from Fenris' tattoos There is no mention of this being possible in da2 or any of the subsequent media. There isn't even mention of others being able to sense the lyrium in his tattoos or even mages getting sick around him as they sometimes will dependent on the concentrations and/or purity of lyrium.

Fiona

How Fiona was cured of the taint This comes from The Calling novel, where it isn't ever clarified what actually removed the taint from Fiona. The common fanon is that it was either the mentioned brooch, or that by having Alistair. That it was by having Maric's son who has Great Dragon blood due to being of the Theirin bloodline that cured her. However, in the novel she is very clear that the mages at Weisshaupt aren't sure what cured her. She only offers one explanation that the Grey Wardens theorized and trails off before saying what the second one was.

“It’s gone,” she said flatly. “The mages at Weisshaupt weren’t sure if it was because the First Enchanter’s brooch sped things up artificially, or... at any rate, all the corruption vanished. They don’t think it’s going to come back, either. There was test after test, but they think I may be the first Grey Warden that never has to endure the Calling again.”

Hawke

Hawke is stabbed by the Arishok This fanon likely came into being due to one of the moves the Arishok has where it will leave you almost dead. So a bit of canon as it is in his move set, but fanon in the idea it is something that always happens in canon.

Unable to confirm if Fanon, Canon, or a mix of both

Teagan marries Bella, the barmaid from Redcliffe This one goes back really far and is hard to tell if it is a case of mistaken identity and association, or a really buggy option for the epilogue, or isn't actually a possibility. What I can confirm is that Teagan does have a woman he can marry given certain conditions are met in dao, but it is actually Kaitlyn, the sister who's brother goes missing in Redcliffe. If you properly compensate her for her grandfather's sword she'll open up a foundry in Denerim and will marry Teagan after having known him for a few months. According to this thread, you have to get Kaitlyn to move to Denerim with her brother, make Bella the maid to Teagan and in the ending slide Teagan and Bella will get married. Though I haven't been able to confirm that this is possible. (If you have a screenshot/video of this slide and know how to trigger this please let me know) This is also not an option mentioned in the Keep, however neither is Kaitlyn's. Which isn't surprising given some of the ending slides that were not direct player choice (ex) choosing Orzammar's king) are mostly cut from canon.

STAR WARS: Episode III — Revenge of the Sith (2005) HOUSE OF THE DRAGON — 2x08: The Queen Who Ever Was (2024)

ALICENT HIGHTOWER and RHAENYRA TARGARYEN HOUSE OF THE DRAGON — S2E8: The Queen Who Ever Was

Daenys the Dreamer, the woman who foresaw the Doom of Valyria

When Daenys was still a maiden she had a powerful prophetic dream, showing the destruction of Valyria by fire.

My favourite reaction memes from here

(You can download these gifs for all your reactive needs!)

The Oh Hellos Prompts

➣ writing prompts from The Oh Hellos songs. feel free to edit as you see fit.

"The terrible fire of old regret is honey on my tongue." - Bitter Water

"There is beauty in the way of things." - There Beneath

"I am not the fool I was when I was younger." - Exeunt

"I am not afraid to die." - This Will End

"They were quick to recognize the devil in me." - Second Child, Restless Child

"I can't shake this feeling that I was only pushing the spear into your side again." - Passerine

"We have lived in fear, and our fear has betrayed us." - I Have Made Mistakes

"I want to be more than this devil inside of me." - Dear Wormwood

"I know I shouldn't love you." Bitter Water

"Leave the ruins where they fall." - Grow

"You can't take any gold or rings further than the grave." - Eurus

"I can see how this will end in all its bitter tragedy." - This Will End

"You'll bury me beneath the tree I climbed when I was a child." - Bitter Water

"The heavens can be both sacred and dust." - Hieroglyphs

"I cannot trust what you say when you're grieving." - Exeunt

"When I saw my reflection it was a stranger beneath my face." - The Lament of Eustace Scrubb

"Suffering is all there is to gain in life." - This Will End

"The sight held me fixed like a bayonet against my throat." - Pale White Horse

"We were born in the shadow of the crimes of our fathers." - The Valley

"My palms and fingers still reek of gasoline from throwing fuel to the fire." - Passerine

"You were the brightest shade of sun I had ever seen." - Like the Dawn

"I know that wicked shape to your smile." - Where Is Your Rider

"You have always been there in my mind." - Dear Wormwood

"I am coming home to you." - Thus Always To Tyrants

"I wanna give it all I've got, and I want nothing back." - Theseus

"I want to spin something out of nothing." - Zephyrus

"Blood was our inheritance." - The Valley

"I think that you're worth keeping around." - Soap

"I've got holes in my pockets burned by liar's gold." - In Memoriam

"You were the light that the fire would bring." - Passerine

"All the memories come flooding fast." - Grow

"Like the wind it slips again out of my fingers." - Eurus

"You've been too busy thinking ahead of where we're all going after we're dead to maybe consider our bodies are worth more than the dust that we can return to the ground again." - Hieroglyphs

"You were the song that I'd always sing." - Passerine

"We were born in the valley of the dead and the wicked." - The Valley

"Like the dawn you broke the dark and my whole earth shook." - Like the Dawn

"Death, she is cunning and clever as hell." - Eat You Alive

"They saw trouble in my eyes." - Second Child, Restless Child

"I stole from my father all I thought I could sell." - Wishing Well

"When I saw my demons I knew them well and welcomed them." - The Lament of Eustace Scrubb

"I was torn between my god and my Father." - I Was Wrong

"The rain will strengthen your soul." - I Have Made Mistakes

"If there's two things I know, it's that the sky looked white and then the water like wine when I first met you." - Lapis Lazuli

Out of Time // Part 1

Summary: It took you three separate instances to realise that maybe you just didn’t fit into the team of the BAU. Maybe you should be honest to yourself and just request another transfer. You loved the team, but you were unhappy, feeling left out and unneeded. Feeling like you did not belong.

Pairing: BAU!Team x Reader (platonic)

Warnings: feeling left out, feeling unneeded, being excluded, self worth issues

Part 2 / Part 3

----

It took you three separate instances to realise that maybe you just didn’t fit into the team of the BAU. Maybe your hope of finding your place within their dynamics had been for naught. Maybe you should be honest to yourself and just request another transfer. You loved the team, they were all wonderfully unique and brilliant people. You looked up to every single one of them and learned a lot from them as well. But you were unhappy, feeling left out and unneeded. Feeling like you did not belong.

------

One

It had been a hard case that the team had worked on solving for the past few days. It had been gruesome and they had all felt pretty useless in the first few days since they’d not found a single lead. It had been Spencer’s brilliant thinking that had saved the day earlier this morning, as well as several lives.

The rest of the day had been spent wrapping everything up at the local PD. Since they’d gotten the message that the flight back would only start the following morning, the mood had been pretty relaxed and the spirits had been high. Once back at the Hotel, you decided on taking a hot shower and changed into something comfortable before settling in for a relaxed evening. It had been a stressful week and you were glad for the chance to unwind before getting back to work tomorrow. Lying down in the surprisingly comfortable bed, you switched on the TV and zapped through the channels until you had found something you could stand watching. It took you only two hours to grow bored though, and you decided to take a nightly walk to clear your mind some more before going to bed.

Throwing on a jacket, you made your way out of the hotel and moved to stroll through some of the more livelier streets in the area. You passed bars and restaurants, the odd laundromat and corner store until you passed by a small Chinese restaurant. You would have just walked past it, like you had done with all the other restaurants, if you hadn’t heard a very familiar laugh and excited voices the moment the door opened and a couple stepped out. You peered through the large window into the brightly lit interior just to freeze at the view. Inside was sitting your entire team around a big, round table that was loaded with food and wine. They were all smiling and laughing, even Hotch. Spencer was trying to figure out how to use his chopsticks, while Rossi seemed to be commenting on it until JJ took pity on him and helped out with the good old hair tie trick.

Watching them, you couldn’t help but smile at the scene. They seemed content and happy, relaxed. Looking in from the outside, they looked like a slightly odd family. And you clearly weren’t part of it. Your smile dropped and you felt your shoulders hunch in defeat. They’d clearly planned this outing, but no one had invited you. You were fairly new to the team, had only been with them for four month. You had tried really hard to fit in, to befriend them, to find your place within their dynamic. It wasn’t easy. They’d worked together for so many years that they functioned as one. Everyone who joined them would have to struggle to find a place. And it wasn’t that they were rude or didn’t take you seriously. They were friendly and had greeted you openly, assuring you they were looking forward to working with you. It was just that they worked together so well, they sometimes seemed to forget you were there too.

Sighing to yourself, you brushed away the tears that had gathered in the corners of you eyes. You’d wanted to be part of the dynamic so badly, part of this weirdly imperfect perfect chosen family that worked together. You’d wanted to feel like you’d belong. Instead you felt more lonely than ever. Slowly stepping away from the window you sullenly made your way back to the Hotel. The next morning you greeted your colleagues with a smile, resolving to not let them notice that you’d stumbled upon their little get together last night. After all, maybe they just needed some more time to warm up to you. Maybe you just needed some more time to find your place.

And if anyone of them noticed that you were quieter than usual and your gaze held a sadness that wasn’t usually there, none of them said anything about it.

------

Two

It had been a rather slow week at the BAU. Not that it wasn’t welcome. It gave everyone the chance to catch up on their paperwork. Well, except for Reid who seemed to be ahead of them as always. It was rather monotonous and lead to more frequent coffee breaks and more chit chat within the bullpen.

Today you’d decided to make a little detour on your way to work and get their favourite drinks and bagels for everyone as a surprise. Stepping into the bullpen, you were surprised that everyone was being rather quiet. Emily was wearing shades inside and her hair seemed unbrushed. Morgan was sitting at his desk, head tipped back against his chair and eyes closed. Spencer was starring at the same side of his report without flipping the page. Taking a look at the offices upstairs you saw that Hotch was on the phone and looked like his usual stoic self. Rossi however had his lights dimmed considerably and seemed to be staring at the wall.

Placing your goods onto your desk, you grabbed the first few things and delivered them to their respective recipients. Hotch, still on the phone, gifted you with one of his rare smiles and nodded in thanks. Rossi playfully kissed your hand and dramatically declared you the hero of his day, making you giggle at his ridiculous display. JJ wasn’t in yet, so you placed her things on her desk for her to find. Derek gave you a salute as soon as he saw his coffee, forgoing words for chucking half the drink at once. Emily made grabby hands as soon as you moved towards her, smiling brilliantly at you as soon as she had food and caffeine in her hands. Spencer blinked at you in surprise, but smiled gently and muttered a quick thank you.

“Why do they all look like death warmed over?” you chuckle slightly, as you stepped into Garcia’s office to bring her her drink and a bagel.

“Oh, you’re the best Y/N, thanks! They’re all hungover. Had way too much to drink last night at the Club, well except for Bossman and Boy-Wonder of course. But Reid is an absolute lightweight, gets drunk on one cocktail. And Emily made him drink two. It was hilarious. Too bad you couldn’t make it!” Garcia seemed to be her usually peachy self, but she was wearing shades inside as well.

“Yeah, too bad. Sounds like a lot of fun”, you mutter, already on your way back to your desk. You hadn’t known anything about a Club night. Seems like you hadn’t been invited again. This time it hurt just a little more, knowing that none of them had thought to invite you while they must have known that you’d find out the next day when they were hungover. You felt like they were shoving in your face the fact that you didn’t belong. That they’d tolerate you at work, but you had no places in the team and in their lives beyond that. You felt like a fool for buying the drinks and the food. God, you must seem so desperate for their approval. At least Garcia seemed like she wouldn’t have minded having you there.

Feeling your eyes sting, you made a quick detour to the bathroom. You took a few minutes to breathe deeply and splash some water onto your face to hide the slight blotchiness from your tears. Taking another deep breath you moved back to your desk and tried to enjoy your coffee.

Trying to keep your emotions in check, you stayed silent most of the day. You didn’t join the coffee breaks or the chit chat, feeling like you weren’t really wanted there either way. You stayed silent when Derek weaseled some of his own paperwork into your pile to get off work earlier and when the other’s slowly finished their work for the day.

On your way back from the little kitchenette with yet another coffee, you noticed that you and Hotch were the only ones left. It was Friday evening and the team was off the rota for the weekend. A rare occurrence. You were sure that Hotch was wanting to go home to his son, but if the man was anything it was responsible. He was sure to finish the paperwork before he’d go.

Sighing to yourself for the umpteenth time that day, you made your way up the stairs and gently knocked on the door. Hotch called you in immediately.

“Y/L/N, I thought you’d gone home already like everyone else.”

“Nah, didn’t have any plans for today and I wanted to get ahead of the paperwork.” Hotch nodded in understanding, glancing at his own pile. You followed his gaze and shook your head slightly.

“Are those reports that you have to fill in specifically or can either of us do those as well?” Hotch frowned slightly but confirmed that anyone of the team could work on them. You nodded gently and grabbed about half the pile. Hotch of course instantly protested and assured you that he had no problem filling them out on his own.

“I know. But I don’t have any plans and I’m sure Jack will be happy if you get home an hour or two earlier. And you as well”, you said softly while moving back out of his office and to your desk to not give him the chance to protest or argue any more.

An hour later you noticed Hotch getting ready to leave. On his way out he stopped at your desk, thanking you again for helping him out and reminding you not to stay too long. You just nodded and smiled, whishing him a nice weekend with Jack. As soon as he’d left, your shoulders slumped again. Well, even if they didn’t want you to be a part of their lives, you could at least make sure that you had some use for them. And if making sure that they get to leave work a bit earlier and spend time with their loved ones was it, then you wouldn’t complain. And if you grew even more quiet and distant towards the team, they never brought it up.

------

Three

It had been a coincidence that you’d even seen the picture. You’d gone to Garcia, wanting to get the information the team required for the case. The filter had still been running and you’d decided to stay the few minutes it would need to finish. She’d excitedly told you about a new dress she was planning on buying and grabbed her phone to show you.

The lockscreen was a picture of the entire team. Well, more like the entire team except for you. You’d disregarded it and would have assumed that it was an old one, if Spencer didn’t already sport his new haircut he had only gotten last week and if there hadn’t been a small scratch on Hotch’s temple, one that was currently still healing. The picture showed them all grinning at the camera, glasses of wine in hand and seemingly cracking up over something.

Well, there was no need to lie to yourself anymore. You weren’t really part of the team. They didn’t need you, they’d worked well before you’d joined and they still would once you’d left. And they didn’t seem to want you either. For one year you’d tried to find your footing, your own place within the team. You’d given it time. You’d known they were like family and would need time to adjust to someone new as well. They hadn’t though.

It wasn’t like they didn’t take you seriously or disregarded your ideas. Not at all, they always took into account what you thought and listened to what you had to say. Somehow though it didn’t feel like enough. You had wanted to be a part of this brilliant team for a long time now, and in a way you were. But not completely. You liked the work, liked helping people and catching the bad guys. You adored every single person on the team in their own way.

Hotch the stoic leader, who always seemed to be stern and so serious, but smiled at Reid’s antics and first bumped him when he looks sad because Derek didn’t. Who always made sure that his teams was alright, reassuring Garcia that she was exactly what the team needed and made small jokes to make her laugh and encouraged Derek to take on more leading responsibilities. Standing up to anyone who dared to threaten or criticise his team, being the first to puts his job on the line and repeatedly disregarded career prospects to stay with them. The person, who centred the team, who always listened and understood, identifying the input each of them had to offer, and formed it into a plan.

Rossi, who was the teams father figure, always listening to everyone and always having a fitting piece of advice to give. Who didn’t care about his fame and just wanted to help people, not hesitating to use his own resources. Who swore in Italian and could charm anyone if wanted, but deliberately choose not to. Who likes expensive things but never missed a chance to share them and who always had a snarky comment for any situation, bringing his famous spaghetti for lunch on a regular basis.

Derek with his nicknames and his flirting and his stupidly big heart, who just wanted to do right and was stupidly self-sacrificing. The man who started prank wars and tried to get out of doing paperwork and liked to challenge authority, but would never leave anyone hanging. Who demolished and remodelled houses and was the first to offer help in any situation, but not afraid to call anyone out on their bullshit.

Emily with her dark sense of humour and though exterior, who would do anything to protect the team and subtly checked in on everyone to see if they were alright. Who could kick anyone’s ass and didn’t hesitate to do so if she felt it warranted. Who felt so much more than she showed. The Emily that could beat Spencer at cards while being nearly as geeky as him. Who could face the most gruesome of cases without flinching and kept most of her life private.

Spencer with his brilliant mind and his awkward nature, who rambled on and on about any topic and tried to cheer people up with magic tricks. Who listened to people and tried his best to give advice and who was way braver and way stronger than he looked. Who always looked out for his colleagues and friends and tried to help anytime he could, even if he didn’t have a solution yet.

JJ the mother of the group, who was soft and gentle and always had an open ear and an open door, but could be fierce and hard if need be. Who tried to do right by everyone and nearly always succeeded in lightning the mood and making people smile. Who made tough decisions without blinking and stood up for them.

Garcia the colourful whirlwind of cheerfulness and happiness, who was a stark contrast to everything they saw in their job everyday. Garcia, who always had a witty comeback and saved their asses on a regular basis, never quite getting the recognition she deserved. The light in their dark and the glue that held the team together.

But it wasn’t enough. You had played with the thought for weeks now. And you had come to the conclusion that you felt like you didn’t fit within the team. You had no special talent or knowledge, no more than the other members of the team at least. You felt tolerated at work, included even. But seeing them functioning together so well, seeing the unshadowed joy and affections every time they interacted with each other, feeling left out in everything that didn’t directly pertain to a case – you couldn’t do it anymore. For over a year you’d tried your best, given your all just to not be enough, just to still not having a set place within the team. You would miss them terribly, even though you weren’t sure that they’d feel the same. But you refused to be miserable.

So, taking a deep breath and knocking on Hotch’s door once the case was over, you squared your shoulders, stepping in as soon as he answered and moved towards his desk while he asked what he could do for you.

“I want to request a transfer.”

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Please keep in mind that I'm not a native speaker. Feel free to point out any mistakes.

don't mind me, just made myself sad