Intentionallyuninvited

people have been taking the piss out of mysterio’s costume since literally the first panel he ever appeared in

I thought Voldemort was dead!

Art prompt Starry night but the stars are replaced with Guad

no i wanna be the Screaming person

i want to fucking die i was at the dollar store and i carefully picked up an orange gatorade and went “sexy boy….” because i thought no one else was around but it turns out i was WRONG

i know because i heard a quiet “what the fuck bro” from the next aisle over

ULTIMATE "OH FUCK I JUST GOT MY FIRST APARTMENT AND ALL I HAVE IS ONE CHANGE OF CLOTHES AND A THIRD SOCK" CHECKLIST

CLEANING

Dish soap

Laundry detergent

All-purpose cleaner

Hand soap

Broom

Mop

Wash cloths / rags

Vacuum

Dustpan

Lint roller

Sponges

KITCHENWARE

Plates

Bowls

Spoons

Forks

Knives

Glasses

Mugs

Tongs

Spatula

Plastic wrap

Ziplock baggies

Garbage bags

Paper towel

Tupperware

Ice tray

Oven mitts

Potato peeler

Mixing bowls

Frying pan

Pot

Baking sheet

Whisk

Stirring spoons / ladels

Tea infuser ball

Measuring cups

Strainer

Cutting board

Coffee maker

Kettle

Toaster

Magnets

Dry erase markers

Sticky notes

Microwave

Wire sponge

Trash bin

Recycling bin

Rubber gloves

Silverware organizer

Measuring spoons

Aluminum foil

Wax paper

Can opener

Bottle opener

Containers for salt, sugar, flour, etc.

LIVINGROOM

Sofa

Rocking chair (you know you want one)

Loveseat

Coasters

Blankets

Throw pillows

Coffee table

Book shelves

TV

TV stand

Floor lamp

End table

Stereo system / radio

BEDROOM

Mattress

Box spring

Bedframe

Linens

Sheets

Comforter

Hangers

Laundry hamper

Trash bin

Curtains

Pillows

Pillow cases

Night table

Alarm clock

Lamp

Dresser

Coat rack

Desk / vanity

Comfy chairs

DININGROOM

Dining table

Minimum of 2 chairs

Coasters

Placemat

Tablecloth

Tea lights /candles and candle holders

BATHROOM

Face clothes

Towel

Soap bar

Body wash

Shampoo

Conditioner

Tissues

Toilet paper

Trash bin

Plunger

Toilet cleaner

Cold, flu, pain, and allergy meds

Hydrogen peroxide

Antibacterial ointment

First-Aid kit

Tweezers

Nail clippers

Band-aids

Shower rod

Shower curtain

Toothbrush

Toothpaste

Floss

Period products

Bathmat

Air freshener

Trash bin

Towel rod

Towels

MISCELLANEOUS

Elastic bands

Stapler

Stables

Paper clips

Needles and thread

AA / AAA batteries

Light bulbs

Extension cords

Scotch tape

Duct tape

Shovel

Rake (if you have a yard)

Stain remover

Jar of courters for laundry mat

Screw drivers

Hammer

Nails

Sticky tack

Screws

Box cutter / X-acto

Pliers

Wrench

Pens

Paper

Pencils

Pencil sharpener

Eraser

Welcome matt

Shoe rack

Coat rack

Flashlight

Flashlight batteries

Watch batteries

Rechargeable batteries and charger

Safe place to discard dead batteries

Candles

Matches

Lighter

Mini travel fans

Real fans

Emergency Survival kit

Fire extinguisher

Landline phone

Window air conditioner

Carbon monoxide alarm

Fire alarm

FOOD STUFF

Mustard

Ketchup

Mayo

Salt

Pepper

Baking soda

Flour

Eggs

Milk

Bread

Olive oil

Tea

Jam

Peanut-butter

Coffee grounds

Cereal

Rice

Pasta

Vegetable soup

Tomato sauce

Frozen vegetables

Crackers

Chickpeas / lentils

Apples

Oranges

Granola bars

Juice

Hot chocolate mix

Frozen meats

there are only two genders

One of the contractors at work drove past my shack on a forklift yesterday, stopped, backed up to my window and said, “hey, do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend?”

My knee jerk response when asked this, even if it’s by a companionable dude old enough to be my dad, is to go, “uh, nah-” and then ramble uncomfortably until someone stops me-

-which is what I started to do, only to be cut off by Contractor saying, in an embarrassed rush, “some of the guys were asking me because you and I talk sometimes, but I didn’t want them to hit on you at work, so I told them that you Worship the Devil and would Hex them if they tried. I’m sorry.”

Which leaves me wheezing helplessly, trying to get my shit together, because this is honestly one of the nicest, most hysterical things I’ve ever heard someone say to me.

Oblivious to this, Contractor then follows up with, “and they were like ‘forreal??’ so I was like, ‘yeah, she’s probably a sadist, too, you can tell by her jewelry. She’ll stab you or something.’”

And tbh I can’t even come up with anything witty to say in response, so all I manage to choke out is, “pleASE LET THEM CONTINUE TO THINK THAT, I’M BEGGING YOU.”

And Contractor just smiles and is like, “Okay! I just wanted to let you know!” before driving off with his forklift.

Like?? Thank god for Contractor tbh. He’s an angel among men, and I hope the rest of his life is filled with prosperity and happiness and like, that he finds $20 on the ground every week for the rest of his life.

i present the formula for creating excellent/strange insults:

adjective + curse word + noun

no one asked for your opinion, you abominable shit goblin

i fail to understand how you’ve become such a reprehensible fuck waffle

get out of my way, you sorry excuse for an intolerable ass pastry

i cannot believe that such an illiterate twat truck could ever be remotely polite

maybe if you weren’t such a troublesome goddamn elbow, we could get some things done around here

i don’t know what’s funnier, JFC as John F. Cennedy or JFK as Jesus fucking Khrist

I’m glad Jack Links recognizes non-binary genders

Avengers: me too

Avengers: Oh no:( hope you feel better