Invisiblynumb

"You can tell me everything, i'll be here for you"

No you won’t.

You’ll use it against me later.. 🖕🏻

“I’m drowning.”

— “Let me know if you need anything.”

“I haven’t slept in days.”

— “Let me know if you need anything.”

“I don’t want to get out of bed.”

— “Let me know if you need anything.”

“It feels like everything is piling on top of me.”

— “Let me know if you need anything.”

Over and over,

I speak.

I crack open the door to my pain,

let pieces fall out,

quietly hoping someone will catch them.

But the words just echo back

into an empty hallway

with nothing but

“I’m here if you need anything”

to cushion the fall.

What does that even mean—

if no one’s really listening?

If no one knocks, no one checks in,

no one sits beside you

in the silence where words don’t reach.

Each time I say I’m not okay,

and it’s met with nothing but space,

it teaches me something:

my voice doesn’t matter here.

So I stop saying it.

I stop reaching out.

I stop hoping.

The loneliness grows louder.

The weight gets heavier.

And eventually,

even breathing feels like a burden.

“Let me know if you need anything”

isn’t comfort.

It’s a curtain drawn between me and the world.

It’s a phrase said to feel helpful,

without being helpful at all.

Because if no one listens,

if no one shows up,

then communication isn’t key—

it’s a locked door

with no one on the other side.

And eventually,

you stop knocking.

You stop trying.

You just let it all collapse.

Nobody heard her, the dead woman,

But still she lay moaning:

I was much further out than you thought

And not waving but drowning.

……..

When I say I hit an all time low,

I mean that I spent two hundred and eighty nine days without sunlight,

I’ve never known a rose to grow immersed in eternal night -

auctioned off my heart for the gift of sight,

I wonder how long I’ve lived my life blinded by the rose tinted glass?

false love will have you struggling to distinguish between gold and brass.

I draw out the sequence.

your palms met her flesh,

my reflection in the mirror is reduced to ash.

I feel my heart hit the floor,

blood stains in the carpet - proof that love does not live here anymore

next time just wrap them around my neck,

I get the same hand of cards

out of every single deck.

from love,

suffocating, choking,

that is the only sensation I have come to expect,

you know that better than me,

extinguished every fire set to your trees,

don’t you remember?

she left everything around you to burn,

choked on all the smoke,

still you fixated on all the ember,

if this body was ever not hollow,

I wouldn’t remember.

two hundred and eighty nine days,

I spent treading in the shallow,

moulded my existence out of clay just to fill another persons shadow.

If only you know how my hands would shake when no one was looking. How’d I’d stay up late staring at the ceiling going over everything in my head asking myself if I made the right choices. If only you knew about the voice in my head that kept saying I wasn’t good enough that I wasn’t as strong as I tried to seem. I kept smiling , kept my voice steady because that’s what you needed me to see. But when I was alone behind closed doors . I broke down. The tears I held back all day would come pouring out and I’d finally let myself feel all the things I’d been pushing away. If only you knew how hard it was to keep going, to keep pretending everything was fine when all I really wanted was to disappear for a while. You saw me calm, put together, smiling like nothing was wrong. But you didn’t see the cracks the moment I doubted myself. The times I wondered how much longer I could hold it together. I made it look easy bc I thought that’s what I had to do. But inside I was fighting battles no one else could see. And every day felt like a new fight. If only you knew ….