Invisiblynumb

There is a hopelessness in my chest , a weightless, heavy thing no one can see.

I used to feel shock at the word ‘suicide’ wondering how someone could truly end it all. The one telling others things get better.. but humans are naturally designed to fight to stay alive..I know this because when I stood at the edge, I was held back by the smallest hope for life. But now I don’t wonder anymore… hope is a gift not everyone gets to keep. Some of us are just left with an emptiness where hope used to be. They say ‘’hold on it gets better” sound familiar? But they never tell you how heavy hope can feel in hands that have already been holding on for so long.

Truth is, it NEVER GETS BETTER , people just like to drill some type of encouragement or hope inside you like when you are young and your parents used to tell you , “”if we don’t punish you, you won’t learn for next time” truth is it wouldn’t make any difference the next time but it sure made mommy and daddy feel powerful. Or “God is good he will look over you” we’ll turn off your favorite movie and look at the news or “” money doesn’t buy happiness/money doesn’t matter”” yeah only if you have all powerful giants giving you everything for free. Truth is , we have been living a lie from day one… it’s ok though.. after all it always gets better….

If only you know how my hands would shake when no one was looking. How’d I’d stay up late staring at the ceiling going over everything in my head asking myself if I made the right choices. If only you knew about the voice in my head that kept saying I wasn’t good enough that I wasn’t as strong as I tried to seem. I kept smiling , kept my voice steady because that’s what you needed me to see. But when I was alone behind closed doors . I broke down. The tears I held back all day would come pouring out and I’d finally let myself feel all the things I’d been pushing away. If only you knew how hard it was to keep going, to keep pretending everything was fine when all I really wanted was to disappear for a while. You saw me calm, put together, smiling like nothing was wrong. But you didn’t see the cracks the moment I doubted myself. The times I wondered how much longer I could hold it together. I made it look easy bc I thought that’s what I had to do. But inside I was fighting battles no one else could see. And every day felt like a new fight. If only you knew ….

……..

Loving me is like watering a dead flower…

I broke in places no one could see, and smiled like nothing ever cracked…