Figuring Out Every Day Little Ways To Improve How I Live With Unmedicated ADHD. Sometimes They're In

Figuring out every day little ways to improve how I live with unmedicated ADHD. Sometimes they're in the form of sacrifices. Sacrifices of the way I wish I could live, if my brain and I got along.

I move into my home and place my bed right against the center of the back wall. I like it like that, it looks nice. But my brain disagrees, and prefers when we have extra space in the center of the room. It doesn't like that my only sitting spot is my bed, and tells me it's time to go to sleep when I get too comfortable like that. So I move the bed to the side, into the corner, and give myself floor room in the middle to stand, and dance, and pace, and stay upright so my brain remembers to stay awake.

I keep my desk downstairs. It's nice in the living room. I think it will motivate me to get out of my room more, with the sun, and it will hold my projector so I can watch movies on my wall. But my brain disagrees. My room is a quiet, safer place than downstairs. Downstairs where my roommate can find me creating. Downstairs where I risk being watched, or noticed, or pulled into conversation when I need to focus. The space doesn't feel right when I sit there. So I don't, and nothing gets done. I don't write, I don't draw, and I don't watch anything. So I move my desk to my room. It crowds the space, but I'm finally working. I place my keyboard on top, and I'm writing music again. It feels more like an upright this way, and I miss having a real piano. My brain is happy this way.

I take off my shoes at the entrance, to not track dirt in, or mess up my nice white carpets. But I get comfortable, and slow. I stop working, I stop creating. So I keep them on, even though I hate wearing them. I hate wearing socks. I like to have my feet on the ground. But my brain likes the sense of control they give me. You could go at any time. It says. You could get up right now if you need to. You won't have to waste time lacing up your boots when you have to run. Which is a ridiculous notion, really, because nothing's going to happen that I'd need to escape from. It's a safe neighborhood, I don't live with anyone dangerous, I don't have friends who will call me because their in trouble. But it keeps my brain alive anyway. Alive and buzzing and ready to go.

So we don't get along all the time. My brain's very needy, and so very very particular about how we do things. It does not compromise for me. But I'm learning to be okay with that, and learning to go with what it says. It tends to be right, really, even if I don't like it. Even if I wish things were different. But it wants what's best for me, and I forgive it for that. I forgive it for it's weird, particular ways. Hopefully, one day, when I can afford medication, I'll forgive myself too for fighting it for so long.