:Dhehehe

this cruel envy fills me whenever i see that others are doing worse than me. i think it's a superiority complex or a messed up inferiority complex but there's this voice inside me that parrots "you must always be doing worse than them." everything feels like a competition for the worse because those who feel bad also get attention and i want that attention. i want people to care about me, i want to be sick so people can acknowledge that i'm sick and think about and talk about me like conversation topics so i feel special to them, no matter how terrible it is. i know it would be impossible to achieve this through good things like awards or competitions, so i'll get the attention in the one way i can: by suffering and making everyone aware of it. i'm not good enough that people will care so i'll be sick enough so they'll be forced to care

i have this distinct need to make myself the smallest in a room because i always take up too my space with my loud voice. i talk loudly and flail my hands around because i don't know how to control myself in front of other people. so maybe, if the bones in my body shrunk and i lost more than eighty percent of my fat then my voice would shrink with me and i would match the tone of the normal people in the room. maybe then i can not only look at myself in the mirror and be happy, i can also listen to my own voice and avoid wanting to claw out my vocal chords. i'll feel normal i think

my girl ghosted me. hope i die

i just want my mind to be quiet and my eyes to rest I feel like a foreign parasite in my own body and my stomach is suffocating from being smothered by guilt. i wish i could be normal, was i ever going to be normal? if everything was okay, if it didn't happen, could i have been someone who could feel normally, could love normally, and could leave normally? instead, i'm a small version of a human being that has worry etched onto her heart and tormented by endless stomachaches. i want to go home and be 14 again. i want to be with my entire family and feel like nothing will change and everything is insignificant. i want to go back to even if nothing was different because at least i didn't have to look back on years of abandoned self growth

i don't know what to do with myself anymore

death will not do us part you stupid cunt

do you ever sit there in your bed with your head in your hands and it's like you can just imagine 9 swords behind you

sometimes i just feel this crumbled up piece of paper in my stomach and it wont go away and instead my mouth gets dry and im scared of everything and the next day seems so far away and im choking on my own fears and not sure if ill make it through