“ What Am I To You…? ”

nighttimestorrm​:

who: @jamiespxtter​ when: 1st january 1959 where: potters home

Despite how quickly Sirius had rushed to Godrics Hollow he couldn’t bring himself to go up the door. Instead he paced up and down the street, trying to control his shaking hands and his beating heart. Still none of this felt real. It must be a dream or some sort of hallucination. But there Godrics Hollow was, just how he remembered it before he came here on Halloween to find destroyed. He could still remember that night. The images would forever be in his memory, never to go away and instead would haunt his dreams. He could still hear the sound of Harry crying. He could remember begging Hagrid to give him to him. He was his Godfather. It was up to him to take care of him. But, no. That had been taken away from him. Just like everything else.

Shaking his head he forced himself to come to a stop and stared at the front door. What if they weren’t there? If it were only him that had been brought back to this time then it would feel as though he had lost them all over again. And he wasn’t strong enough to suffer that. If he walked in there and the place was empty. Or worse…the same as he last time he had saw it. That would break him beyond repair. So he just stood there. It was still early enough that the street was still quiet. Yet he knew he couldn’t stand there forever. So, not being brave enough to go up to the front door he tried to quietly make his way around the back. He would look in the window and see if there was any sign of life. And if not…then he didn’t know what he was going to do.

But as soon as he stepped into the back garden he froze. He just stared as there stood James, looking back at him. And he didn’t know what to do. There was a chance that James knew nothing of what was going on. That it was only Sirius that was effect by…whatever this is. So he knew he should at least try to act somewhat normal. But he couldn’t. A lump formed in his throat while he blinked away tears from his blurring eyes, scared that if he couldn’t see James he would disappear. Part of him still believed this was just a dream. But he didn’t care right in this moment. Because there was James just as he remembered him. A little bit younger but…still there. Alive.

He couldn’t move. If he did he knew he would just fall to his knees. All these years of missing his friend, his brother, came crashing over him like a wave threatening to drown him. There were so many things he wanted to say but he didn’t even know where to begin. He just wanted to forget about everything else for just a moment. Right now he just wanted his friend back. Yet he were afraid to reach out in case he were nothing but a ghost. And still, he would take that over nothing.

“J-James.” He finally managed to choke out and before he crumbled and let the sob he had been holding in take over him, a tear escaping down his cheek. “Are you…you’re real…right?” 

--

It’s been a long morning.

It aches in his bones, and over his shoulders. In his eyes, where he’s cried until he simply can’t cry any more, and deep, deep in his chest, an ache of a loss he can’t quite face yet. It’s not a question of where is Harry, because he’s simply not there any more, taken from existence like he meant nothing to the world. To them.

He knows Lily feels it, too. He can see it in the way she avoids going upstairs, the way she lingers around where his high chair used to be by their little kitchen table. So much of their life, their own existence, had been so entirely centered around him. Everything James had known about himself had shifted, geared into something newer, something better; a father, and a husband, a man who made promises, and kept them. And while he had wanted to believe he had done everything right, had put up the best fight he possibly could have to keep his family safe, the odds had been stacked against them. He barely stood a chance. Voldemort had the upper hand, had all the insider information to come to their home, to take what was theirs, to target their son.

He can’t face Peter. He refuses to.

He’d barely lasted two seconds in his own fight against Voldemort. It eats him up inside.

Breathing is hard. Living with that fact, is hard. It clings to his skin like ice, keeping him tense and cold, and for the second time that night, James finds himself out on the back step, the action familiar and foreign all the same. His hand is shaking as he lifts the cigarette to his lips, and he uses the tip of his wand to light it, frowning when he just can’t seem to steady his hand. It’s easier, in front of Lily, when he has to keep a brave face.

Alone? James is close to cracking.

There’s a sound by the side gate, and everything in him freezes up.

It’s too soon. It’s too much. Before he can help it, his heart is pounding in his chest, hard enough to hurt, and he raises his shaking hand, wand trembling in his grasp. They’ve faced too much to deal with this, again. He can’t handle this, again.

- only it’s Sirius, who comes around the side of the house, stopping dead when he spots him.

Time is suspended, for a moment. It hangs in the air, a weight between them he hasn’t experienced in the ten years they’ve been friends, brothers. James can see him, the way he had been, older and tattooed and so tired as they stood beside Harry in the forest, - and when he blinks, Sirius is nineteen again, crying as he looks at James.

“Pads, -” he manages, voice strangled, and James takes a step, and another, wand dropping until they’re barely a distance apart, “- Sirius?”

8 Days of Simon Lewis Positivity + Emojis

Friend

HEADCANON:

So much of James' personality is based around his ability to have friendships. He considers himself practically everyone's friend, unless they've been a dick to him, or he's got good reason not to like them. For years growing up, he had always seen how his parents were treated, liked, how they had so many people they could rely on and turn to, people they trusted, people who could just pop by the estate and were greeted with a warm welcome. Acquaintances, they would call them, but James always knew better; they were friends, as simple as that.

Marlene had been his first real friend, aside from his parents, and she has a special place in his heart. But something had changed on that first train ride to Hogwarts; when he had met Remus, Peter, and Sirius. There was a shift in his very core understanding of friendship, in the way he saw how it worked. Friendship was so much more than just people you got along with and saw every now and again, especially when those friendships turned into a family.

Family are people you want to stick by. People you want to surround yourself with. They're the people you call home, when you have nowhere else to go, and no-one else you want to go to. People you trust, people you would do anything for, even without asking, no matter what.

James has plenty of friends.

Sirius is his family.

Sad/cute shippy sentences

zetterdamn:

There’s no doubt it was always you.

From the first time i walked you home from school you stole my hear.

It was always you.

It hurts to see your pretty smile fade.

I know there’s nothing left for us to say but it’s okay.

It’s okay-

There’s no getting over you.

I tried my best to tell the truth but the missing is tearing me apart.

Forgetting is the hardest part.

The thought of losing you is all too much.

I’m a long, long way from home… From you.

I’ll be back some day.

We’ll do it all, everything.

We don’t need anything, or anyone.

If I lay here, If I just lay here… Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Those three words… Are said too much. They are not enough.

I don’t quite know how to say how I feel.

Would you lie with me, and just forget the world?

Forget what we’re told, before we get too old.

I need your grace to read my needs, to find my own.

Your perfect eyes is all that I can see.

I’m sorry for hurting you.

I’ll be here to hold your hand.

If only I knew what I know today.

I would hold you in my arms, and take the pain away.

Thank you for all you’ve done.

There’s nothing I wanna do to hear your voice again.

Sometimes… I wanna call you, but I’m scared that you won’t be there.

I’m sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn’t do.

I’ve hurt myself by hating you.

Some days I feel broken inside, but I just don’t want to admit it.

It’s so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this.

Would you tell that I was wrong?

Would you help me understand?

Are you proud of who I am?

If I had just one more day I would tell you how I’ve missed you since you’ve been away.

I’m sorry for blaming you.

Blame it all on me.

It was my fault – This wasn’t supposed to…happen.

Please forgive me.

I can’t stay… I really can’t –

I have come to talk with you again.

We need to talk…

Can we please just – Talk ?

I think we should… talk about… This – Us.

They know about us.

Oh come on – Look at us! Is this what we really want???

… I don’t think there’s anything left to say. 

Do you even know how to answer your phone?

I keep messaging you, but you never reply?

Never mind. It’s nothing. It never is. 

Can’t you just listen to me!?

I’m fine okay, can we drop this?

I’ve heard that you… Found… someone new?

There will always be things I can’t give you, things I can’t say – And I all I want… Is for you to be happy. 

It isn’t over – We are not over, yet.

I wish nothing but the best for you.

Don’t… Forget me – Please ?

I just want to forget everything about you. 

It hurts. It hurts so much – Don’t you understand!?

I can’t do this.

We can fix this.

We can’t fix this.

We could always…stop here and stay friends?

Are you sure that…we should – ? You know… do this?

I won’t ever find someone like you… You are special to me.

You are perfect.

We always were a thing, weren’t we?

“Can any single person shut the fuck up about any single thing for an hour?”

"Would that include you?"

He asks it dryly, far too hungover to be anyway amused by Sirius' ramblings. The light peeking through the curtains of the bedroom is far too bright, the sound of someone pottering around downstairs is far too loud, - which, actually, is probably what Sirius is talking about in the first place, - and his head is pounding. For the most part, he can tolerate everything his brother says, greets his words with a warm grin and a wicked sense of humor, -

But his wedding is in two hours, he's lost his glasses and his left shoe, and all he can remember about the night before is the roar of Sirius' motorbike.

And firewhiskey. Lots of firewhiskey.

James turns over on the bed, hand reaching out blindly for his wand. It's not on the bedside table, and for a moment, he's confused, frowning as he tries to see through the blur of his shitty vision.

"Have you seen my wand?" he croaks out, rolling over to actually attempt to sit up, stomach lurching in the process. "Where the bloody hell are my glasses?"

"I would answer both of those questions and more," Sirius retorts, voice coming from somewhere on the floor, in a pile of blankets, "however, since you so rudely suggested I shut up, I intend to do just that."

His wand isn't there, but there's a book on the nightstand.

James throws it at him.

“ What am I to you…? “ 

Sirius asks it in the dead of night.

The room is pitch black around them. It's not that noticeable, when they're hidden under the invisibility cloak anyway, bathed in their own kind of darkness. It had helped, he said, to imagine that no-one could see them right now, and James couldn't have refused him.

He didn't want to. He never wants to.

It makes sense, that the estate was the first place Sirius had thought to come to. Going home wasn't an option, especially not when home was no longer home. And while every part of him wanted to go face Sirius' parents himself, that wasn't exactly an option, either. There were far too many stupid politics in play, and with rumours about some kind of dark age happening amongst pureblood families, it was something he didn't want to get involved in.

But this was the beginning of it. Sirius refused to commit to their ways, and this was the price he paid.

His parents had been understanding. Loving. They had opened the door to Sirius without a second thought, welcomed him into their home, had set up a bedroom to call his own. They'd stocked the pantry with Sirius' favorite foods, even without him asking, - hell, he'd stayed quiet for most of the night, sitting out on the back step, staring into nothingness.

And now, the question comes, small and scared.

Sirius has never been small and scared.

James is hurting all over.

".. we've always been different," he mumbles back, and he can see how the cloak is helping. He feels safe, shielded, undetected, and he can speak without any fear.

He could always speak his mind around Sirius, anyway.

"Me and you, I mean. I know it's always been the four of us, and it always will be, but, -" Something catches in his throat, and James swallows around it. "But we're different. I think we were always meant to be together. You were always supposed to come here."

He hopes it's what Sirius needs to hear, and he pushes on.

"I'll always be with you, you know." James says it in a whisper. "I'll always be on your side. Even when we're a thousand years old. It's always been me and you."

“You were a dream. Then a reality. Now a memory.”

—

“To love is not weak. Love is the strongest thing there is.”

— Jennifer L. Armentrout