How Is It Now That I Realise That The Ones Who Have Died Are Dressed At Lil’ Devils While The Survivors

How the 104th cadet corps babysits

(Plus bonus Pieck and Porco)

Eren: Comes about 10 minutes late but says the parents can take $10 off to make up for it. Gets the kids to watch Transformers while he talks to Mikasa on the phone for an hour and a half, but keeps the kids in the corner of his eye so they don’t run off. Orders buffalo ranch pizza. When the kids show him a TikTok of someone shotgunning a beer, he scolds them before showing them how to do it themselves with cans of soda and telling them to not tell anyone he did that. Charges $40 (originally $50).

Mikasa: Brings 3-4 balls of yarn and teaches the kids how to knit while she puts on Pride and Prejudice. One of the kids takes a ball of yarn and starts pretending they’re a cat so she goes along with it and they all start playing kitties and puppies. Somehow she manages to get all of the kids in bed right before the parents come home and lets them keep the “knitted scarves” they made as a little gift. Charges $150 but it’s worth it to have the kids tuckered out and nothing messed up.

Armin: Brings some books to read to the kids. They range from Dr. Seuss to the Great Illustrated Classics version of HG Wells’ The Time Machine. LOVES answering questions with questions because he wants the kids to learn critical thinking at a young age but doesn’t want to bore them. Plays baby sensory videos or How it’s Made to get the kids to fall asleep when they refuse to go to bed. Charges $60

Annie: Doesn’t jump at the idea of babysitting but agrees to when the parents offer $50 AND a gift card to Target (she just ran out of face wash). Only babysits older kids and sits on her phone most of the time, but still makes sure they get their homework done before they can do their thing. Gives “relationship advice” (“all boys are terrible. I’m just dating Armin because he was lucky enough to be an exception”). Yells at the kids to go to bed and they do because she’s scary when she yells.

Reiner: The kids are obsessed with how strong he is and beg him to power lift him like they’re dumbbells and he absolutely LIVES for it. Plays Assassins Creed and Mario Kart and helps the kids beat a tough level in Portal 2. Has a food fight with popcorn but after making sure they’re all in bed he goes down to vacuum it back up and make sure the basement is reasonably clean. Charges $60.

Bertoldt: Absolutely CRACKED at Fortnite and Call of Duty and will destroy opponents that underestimate him because of his score. Does bad karaoke of Michael Bolton love ballads so the kids can make fun of him. Shows them all sorts of cheesy 80’s music so they can surprise their parents with songs they listened to as kids/teenagers. Charges $100 because he brought his own karaoke machine.

Marco: HUGE Marvel fan and gets into a long-winded discussion about comics and the MCU vs DC with the kids. Does a whole Marathon of the Sam Raimi Spiderman trilogy (his favorites), then tells the kids all about the meaning of who Spiderman is and how the biggest appeal of the character is that “anyone can wear the mask and anyone can be an everyday hero just like Peter Parker and Miles Morales”. Tries to refuse pay but the parents insist on giving him $150 because the kids love him so much.

Historia: Brings a whole tea party set and raids the kids closets to do a princess and knights fashion show. Does nails (outside or in the garage so nail polish doesn’t get on the carpet) and tells the little girl(s) that they can be knights and the little boy(s) that they can be the princes to be saved if that’s what they want. Talks all about how Ymir is her knight in shining armor. Charges $100.

Ymir: Does not like kids. Does not want kids. Was tricked into babysitting but once she realized she was alone with them, she freaks out and called Historia to come over and help her. Steals a couple white claws from the fridge in the garage and hopes the parents don’t notice. When Historia finally comes, she lets her take over and sits on the couch scrolling on TikTok. Tells the parents the kids were good, takes $20, and never babysits again.

Sasha: Brought a kid-friendly cookbook and makes the kids a big fishbowl to drink out of while watching Ratatouille (it’s filled with sprite, blue Gatorade, and Swedish fish). She bakes cookies while they watch and secretly eats a ton of cookie dough before the kids even know there’s extra. Gets the kids to sing the clean-up song after dinner and basically tricks them into getting the kitchen in perfect order before the parents come home.

Connie: BY FAR the best babysitter for rowdy and stubborn kids. He has little siblings so he knows all the ins and outs of dealing with babies, toddlers, and preteens. Lets the kids do just enough stuff they’re “not allowed to do” so they feel like he’s the cool babysitter, but also flawlessly tricks them into doing their nighttime routine to a T in record time. Charges $200 for the night but it’s worth every penny to come home and they’re all in bed sound asleep, freshly bathed with their teeth brushed, and dinner finished with a spotless kitchen.

Jean: Brings a whole backpack full of cheap art supplies and construction paper for the kids to play with to stay occupied, but he gets carried away and starts “critiquing” their work in a posh accent as if he were an upscale art curator (it’s literally fingerpaint). Lets the kids ride on his back like a horse (duh) and pretends he’s a giant so they can attack him with toy swords. Absolutely LOVES when one of the kids has a crush on him and hides it poorly because he thinks it’s adorable. Charges $60 for the art supplies and gas, nothing for his time.

Pieck: THE cool big sister every kid wants. Crawls around on all fours and lets the kids ride on her back as well (obviously). Lets the kids swim in the pool at night and plays mermaids with them until the parents come home, then helps the parents get the kids to bed. Charges $75 for the night and offers to help for the kids’ class pool party (she just likes playing mermaids and wants free access to a pool)

Porco: 15 minutes late but it’s because he stopped at dollar general to get each kid’s favorite snack. Takes the kids to see the Minecraft movie (sneaking the snacks in) and then they spin donuts in the back of the parking lot in his clapped out BMW 335i. Gets Taco Bell with the kids afterwards on the way home and wrestles them into bed. Charges for the movie tickets but covers the Taco Bell on his own dime (he had a Visa gift card that Bert gave him months ago that he found under the drivers seat).

Mikasa is so great because if you told me that "a violent buff killing machine who turns people into minced meat, bathes in their blood, and makes out with decapitated heads"

and "a shy gentle girl whose ultimate dream is to live a simple cottagecore life while wearing ankle-length grandma skirts and cozy pink cardigans"

... were the same character, I wouldn't believe you. Yet she's real and her name is Mikasa Ackerman.

ao3 is crazy because you'll read the most gut-wrenching 200k word slowburn that leaves you sobbing into your sweater at four in the morning and the author will be applejacksmonstercock

Jean: I feel like you're judging me

Armin: I'm not judging you. I am HEAVILY judging your mother

Epic AU

Odysseus: How many suitors are there? Servant: 128. Though, twenty of them formed a guard, after Antinous turned out to be a dick. Odysseus: *Thinking* Servant: Ten are away with the prince, the other ten are keeping guard over Penelope. Odysseus: Why? Servant: They're being bodyguards Odysseus: No, why did they come if they're not seeking the Queen's hand? Servant: Oh, they're trying to convince the Prince to marry their daughters. *Meanwhile* Guard #1: *Watching Telemachus with one of his friends* I'm starting to think the Prince might be swinging the other way. Guard #2: That's alright, I've got a son.

happy days <3

Do not let them erase this. Do not let them tell you he meant "my heart goes out for you."

This man is the grandson of a Canadian Nazi sympathizer who moved to South Africa BECAUSE he thought the apartheid was just the coolest.

He has a gaggle of kids specifically because he believes his genes are superior and need to be spread to improve humanity.

He has thrown his support behind the neonazi party in Germany and the far right party in the UK, not to mention how far he's wormed up the ass of the Republican party.

He threw two sieg heil salutes back to back at the inauguration of the president of the United States and is trying to scrub the evidence off the internet.

Elon Reeve Musk is a fucking Nazi.

Real talk

This is about Reiner in fanfiction that aren’t about Reiner. He’s often depicted as a toxic ex or a violent person and I know they’re just fanfiction but in canon when was the last time you saw him harm anyone out right. When Sasha punched him unprovoked he said she was right despite it being unreasonable- he let Eren punch his face with his silly nubs. He’s just a teddybear 😞 I know he’s a fictional soldier but he’s genuinely just a teddybear

First half of Season 2 is so under appreciated for having the funniest fucking group of characters

Christa - Secretly Historia Reiss, royal-blooded bastard child of the King of the Walls, and only remaining heir to the throne of Paradis

Ymir - Secretly the Jaw Titan, a girl out of time who comes from Marley 60 years in the past, preserved for decades in Pure Titan form

Reiner - Secretly the Armored Titan, a soldier from Marley sent on a mission to act as a double agent and recover the Coordinate, who orchestrated the Fall of Shiganshina

Bertholdt - Secretly the Colossal Titan, a soldier from Marley sent on a mission to act as a double agent and recover the Coordinate, who also orchestrated the Fall of Shiganshina

Connie - Bald