She

Start,start,start...where to start....

The vibe around me has changed since the New Years.

Being aware of oneself is hard although seemingly doable as far as I've tried.Nonetheless,being aware of the people around you as well as everything that comes with the everyday life is not a joke.

Empathy makes part of it seem right,despite how much hurt I feel afterwards.

It's so tiring honestly.

The good thing turned to be that I actually accomplished the most important (almost everything) goals that I had set for myself in 2020.I'm a new person as a result of that.

There's still so much going on but my giddiness is obfuscating every thought.

Well,looks like I'll have something to ponder over the next month.

2021/01/06

In heaven, all the interesting people are missing.

- Friedrich Nietzsche

I’m Not/I Am

I’m Not…

I’m not the girl who would tie your tongue.

I’m not the girl who turns your head.

I’m not the girl you’d ask to prom

Or even on a date.

I’m not the girl who likes frills and lace.

I’m not the girl who’d be flirty or flighty.

I’m not the girl who you would daydream about.

I’m not the girl who everyone sees,

The one who beams beauty, radiance, and so carefree.

I’m not the one to be in the foreground.

I’m not visible to anyone.

I Am…

I am the girl you’d pass in the halls,

Who’d probably like you from afar, but never say a word.

I am the girl who’d sketch or write,

My words never reaching your heart or eyes.

I’m the girl who stands in the rain

That mixes with her tears and drowns out her cries.

I am the girl who is always the second choice.

Why on earth would I ever be the first?

I am the girl some would torment

Because I’m different and hide in the background.

I’m the girl that’s invisible to you.

The one you’d never remember until we meet again.

“Hiding your hurt only intensifies it. Problems grow in the dark and only become bigger and bigger. But when exposed to the light of truth, they shrink. You are only as sick as your secrets. So take off your mask, stop pretending you’re perfect and walk into freedom.”

— Rick Warren

Call this whatever you like, I can’t come up with anything I would be satisfied with

Love is actually truly beautiful…weird, painful, but beautiful. And I think that’s nice. You know, we INTPs aren’t unfeeling robots, we truly feel emotions extremely intensely. It is just more rare for us to feel something than it might be for others. But that’s exactly what makes our emotions maybe a little more special, at least for us. They are the proof of our life, of the fact that we’re breathing and living, the proof that we actually don’t just fake all of what we are. My true emotions, the way they overwhelm me, the way I can’t understand them, they bring me comfort. They are something I cannot understand or grasp, and I absolutely love it. Finally something else takes control over me, and somehow it brings me rest. At those moments I stop thinking. I just stop. And I had no idea I needed it as much as I do. But it’s so peaceful. And so complex. And so depressing, yet uplifting, living in a blue euphoria. Sometimes, emotions become a drug for me. They throw you into a dream, that will never become true, and yet, I think sometimes it is good and important to live in that dream. And it’s okay to feed that dream, to add more moments that meant nothing in reality, but meant the world for you.  Emotions are beautiful. Emotions are something that should be loved, and something that should be feared. They are extremely powerful, and I believe in the strength of emotions more than I believe in the strength of intellect. Emotions are able to show you the truth through the lies they say. And I’m amazed by that.

Do you know what I mean when I say that sometimes I don’t have any feelings or emotions? I’m not in a good mood, or a bad mood. I just sit there, by myself, and think. I over think sometimes. I think about what has happened, what will happen, and what could have happened. I think about you, I think about what’s wrong in my life, I think about how I can get myself out of this stage, I think about why I got here in the first place. I think about everything and anything.

The scariest part of a depressive episode isn't crying due to the intense sadness and pain, but when you can't.

Art by Claralieu

“I can’t tell you exactly what I’m looking for, but I’ll know it when it happens. I want to be breathless and weak, crumpled by the entrance of another person inside my soul.”

— Aimee Bender, The Girl in the Flammable Skirt

Message From an Atheist

We live in a world, where people are influenced by others of their kind through mere words, the power of speech, as they call it, has an effect far greater than most physical,aggressive actions, but "the feelings perceived are not necessarily the feelings expressed", which in most cases, leads to an exaggeration of facts and in our very case led to the birth of the mother of numerous social evils, that we, as a species, face today. We call this glorified form of tribalism, Religion.

It is astounding that years of people just talking about the existence of a higher power can convince their sons and grandsons of firm, unquestionable and rather unreasonable faith, when the same generation, for centuries, would not even believe that oppressing half of their population i.e. womankind, would not do harm, if not better.

Let me present you with a hypothesis, What if, a group of early men witnessed a bolt of lightning? What if, they started to believe that there were people in the sky that caused them and frightened as they were, felt the need to please these gods through sacrifices and offerings? What if all this offerings made them expect a divine reward? And what if all this misconception spread around like an infection, calling for discrimination towards those who refused to concur?

This hypothesis has several conclusions. Humanity fears that which it doesn't understand, it worships that which it fears and expects rewards for it's actions . As for the spreading, I believe that "Religion is just a chinese whisper game stretched for too long".

And the final conclusion is that people aren't very accurate when it comes to first impressions, often judging too soon about the nature of something, even if that something does not exist beyond their three pounds of grey matter.

"Religion is a fool's answer to another fool's question." People look for meaning in the physical world, they seek their place in all that comprises the cosmos without realising that the answer to their question is subjective, it doesn't have to be out there in religious texts, written by delusional old men, it exists in the mind, created by people themselves.

Now the question arises, why did the need for such a misleading lie of a system exist?, the answer is a simple one, hope, every man is a hero in his own story, and when this hero is spat on, knocked down, he can't help but give in to vulnerability, depression. This man and every other man needs this, beautiful lie, as a drowning man needs a rock to cling to while he catches his breath and there's nothing wrong with a system that gives him that, and I know that I'm no one to deprive them of that . But there's a whole another way to look at it, the man may never learn to swim if he doesn't let go of the rock that gives him a false sense of hope, that he will survive without battling the waves. Now I ask you to what end, are we going to allow this false sense of hope to take control over our actions? , the sooner humanity figures that out, the better, and if not, well then, "May God help us all".

-Pranjal Yadav