"a Joy To Have In Class" Aka This Child Will Not Be Diagnosed For At Least Eight Years

My experience with Luke (Punz)

CW: toxic relationship, racism, dubious consent

I know in the past i said that i would no longer speak about him publicly, and when talking about my experiences with abuse and emotional mistreatment i begged to keep it anonymous but after reflecting on this for a week and seeing so many incredibly smart and strong women tell their stories. they have given me the strength to say his name.

this is really scary to talk about because of the copious levels of harassment i have received from his fans in the past so if this spreads or gets out of hand i will simply log off.

If you read my last post, i nicknamed him 1.

So aside from everything i said there, there were a lot of things i didn’t include because they would’ve made it obvious that it was him and it could potentially backfire on me so, i’m very afraid to post this. but i’m going to do it scared anyway, because it’s not fair that he gets to just go and live his life worry-free as if he didn’t practically ruin mine.

Because I already made a very lengthy post about him, i won’t include everything i said last time to avoid being redundant but if i repeat myself, please bear with me.

In our year long relationship i had to endure emotional neglect, gaslighting, verbal abuse, one instance where there was dubious consent, and much more.

Starting off at the beginning of our relationship, that’s when i was getting copious amounts of hate and harassment from his fan base (warranted or not), he decided that our relationship must be kept private. he said it was to “protect” me from his fanbase when in reality it was to protect himself. it was so he wouldn’t get all the backlash i was getting. this is funny because one of the things i got called out for was saying the B slur (derogatory term used against mexicans/latinos). I won’t get into the nuances of if i could say it or not as a puertorican because that’s discourse that does not pertain to this specific situation. But you know who definitely can’t say it? A white boy from Massachusetts. When i was getting cancelled for this and getting thousands of tweets calling me names, he decided that was the perfect time to say “I mean you are a b***** aren’t you? my little b*****.” Now, he said this completely unprompted. I was in the process of writing my apology and he just said that. I tell you this because i immediately shut him down and told him that there was no universe in which it was okay for him to say that word and especially not one where he could just call me that. While i was reprimanding him, he was smiling and laughing. he apparently found it amusing to call me a slur. regardless, he gave me a half-assed apology and said he wouldn’t do it again. and he didn’t. but this wasn’t the only time he was weirdly racist to me. this was my first time being in an interracial relationship so i was led to believe that this was normal by all the white people around me at the time. But, sometimes my spanish accent would come out and he would make fun of me and the way i pronounced some words. He also refused to visit me in Puerto Rico when i lived there or come meet my family when i really wanted him to because he “didn’t like the heat” or “it’s dangerous there isn’t it?”. Once, while we were watching season 2 of Bridgerton, he implied that the Sharma sisters were “too dark” for him to be attracted to them. This hurt me because they are brown skinned girls. I am a brown skinned girl. Then this, combined with the fact that he told me once he wasn’t attracted to me made me feel like my skin color was unattractive. These are only a few examples i can think of at the moment, but i’m sure there were more. Our relationship ended in 2022 so some of my memory is a bit hazy. But, I do remember feeling inferior to him throughout the relationship because he was white and I was not. I chalk that up to all the micro aggressions i had to deal with because i had never felt that way around white people before.

Another thing i had to endure was him constantly making me feel like he was embarrassed to be with me. Because i was cancelled, he didn’t want to associate with me too much. He did defend me on multiple occasions, I’ll give him that. But, he only did it because his name was getting dragged in the mud along with mine. Excusing my actions made him look better for being around me. In reality he didn’t really care. Because he was such a big content creator and someone i looked up to professionally, I took his advice as law. He told me to tone down my personality, to keep a low profile, to change things about myself to be more palatable to his audience. The same audience that spoke about me like “The pussy can’t be that good punz please stop defending her”. So i changed a lot of things about myself and my content to better suit what his audience liked. He made me feel like if his audience liked me, he would be public about our relationship and stop hiding it. He told me the reason why he wanted to keep our relationship a secret was because he didn’t want to get hate for it. But this wasn’t true. On my 20th birthday he went to Las Vegas for a twitch rivals event. That night i asked to facetime him to say goodnight and he refused because he was at a hotel room with his friends and he didn’t want them to know that we were together. It was as if my mere presence or the utterance of my name was a source of embarrassment for him. And he didn’t let me forget it. It wasn’t just a public thing at that point. He didn’t want people to know we were together, period. This was devastating to me because I would talk to all my friends about him. I was so proud to be with him and I was just one more problem to him. He made me feel so small and insignificant just because his fans didn’t like me.

He would berate me a lot. Not just due to getting heat online, although he did do that a lot. But in general whenever we would get into an argument or a disagreement he would always call me names like annoying or weird or stupid. He would raise his voice at me if i did something he didn’t like and call me an idiot. And that really hurt, i felt like i couldn’t bring up anything or do anything without getting insulted. If I hadn’t seen him in a few days because he was too busy streaming and i asked to hang out he would call me needy, clingy, and annoying. Granted, he might not have been wrong, but that is not something you say to someone you claim to love. He also insulted me when i was in depressive episodes. I have BPD and at the time i was not being treated properly for it. So, I was all over the place emotionally and he was what i clung to for validation, reassurance, and love. I talked to him when we first started dating about my disorder and told him that if it seemed like something he couldn’t handle that he could opt out of the relationship. I guess he didn’t think it was that bad or something idk because whenever i had really bad depressive episodes, he would tell me I was too sad to hang out with. He said that my sadness was a burden to him. Which would be fair. But, once my mother had a conversation with him about me. She told him that i am someone who needs a lot of love and caring. She said that if he wasn’t willing to put in that kind of effort into a relationship to just leave me alone. He reassured her that he would be there for me no matter what. He told my mother that he would protect me and my heart. He did not. He took all the warnings I gave him and ignored them and then made me feel like I was the problem. And even worse, he would say that i was pretending to be sad to get his attention when he would neglect for days at a time.

There were also some smaller things like the fact that he made me feel really guilty whenever he would spend money on me. Also, he would be really mean about my eating habits. For context, i used to suffer from an eating disorder. I was anorexic and had a really unhealthy relationship with food during high school and my first year of uni. This relationship began when i was recovering from my ED. For me, eating was really hard. So i had certain comfort foods that, while sometimes unhealthy, at least it was something to eat when i didn’t feel like eating anything. He knew this. Yet, whenever i would crave some of these foods he would call me fat. Constantly told me I’d gain weight from eating all that junk food. Saying that to someone with an eating disorder is crazy. Other smaller things were that whenever I would post tiktoks where i was lip syncing or just looking good he would yell at me and say i was looking for attention. Same with Instagram or Twitter whenever i would post photos where I looked hot. He never planned out a single date for us. I would beg him to get me flowers and he did maybe once but i’ll get into that in a bit. He would make fun of me in front of his friends to make himself look better. He let his friends say really degrading things about me in his presence. For example, once when i was showering, i overheard him on a discord call with George and Sapnap and i heard George say “if you don’t go in the shower and have sex with Andi, i will”. Once, when i was really struggling with my legs (for those of you who don’t know, i have arthritis and it’s very painful. at the time i wasn’t diagnosed but i was in a lot of pain) I literally could not walk. I had to beg him to take me to the ER because i didn’t know what was wrong with me. He didn’t want to take me but eventually i convinced him, and while we were there all he did was complain about how long it was taking and that he would have rather been at home streaming. Whenever I would talk about my interests that i was excited about like shows or books he would be incredibly uninterested and say that those things were stupid and he didn’t want to hear about them. I know all of these seem very silly or superficial but cumulatively it was awful.

Now for arguably the most serious thing i’m going to talk about. I want to preface this by saying i am just telling my side of what happened. You can come to your own conclusions about this.

On April 25, 2022 it was our one year anniversary, and i had made a dinner reservation for us. I expected him to plan something throughout the day for us to do. He told me he was going to spend the whole day playing Valorant so I got upset and cancelled the reservation. After a very heated argument, we calmed down and i asked him to come over. He came over about an hour later with flowers and drinks (I was 20 at the time so I couldn’t buy the drinks myself). He brought Smirnoffs and Trulys. For context, I am a lightweight. I always have been. I literally get tipsy on half a cocktail. And that day, I hadn’t eaten anything because i was in distress over our argument. So we get to talking and drinking. I blacked out after my second Smirnoff. Apparently I drank 3 but I genuinely cannot remember anything after finishing the second one. The next morning i woke up naked in my bed. I woke him up and asked him “Luke, why am I naked?” and he said “Because you didn’t want to put your clothes back on.” When I clarified to him that that was not what I meant, he got defensive and said that he didn’t realize how drunk I was. He proceeded to tell me that I initiated sex with him and that i was very enthusiastic about it. He said he didn’t know i could black out on three smirnoffs. He made fun of me for being a lightweight and continued to make light of the situation. Then he mentioned that i fell off the bed at some point in the night and that it was funny how drunk I was. I then questioned him. Because if he thought that me tripping and falling off the bed because i was so drunk was funny, how did he not know that i was too drunk? He responded by saying that i fell off the bed only after we were done. That day I broke up with him. I’m still really confused about what happened that night. I don’t remember anything and all I have to go on is what he said to me. We were in a relationship at the time and he says he didn’t know how drunk I was so I’m not sure what to call what happened. A while after that day, his friend that hmu while we were broken up and I started talking again and i confided in him about that night. He told me to be careful saying things like that because they could get me into trouble. I spoke to some of our other friends about it and they told me it was no big deal and that it wasn’t his fault that he didn’t know how drunk I really was. Because I don’t remember, I have been led to believe that this is not a serious matter. You can think what you want, come to whatever conclusions you want. That is just my side of the story.

I want to add that I’m not proud of how I acted after the relationship ended. I felt really angry at all the shit he put me through and I guess a part of me wanted him to hurt even a quarter of how I did. So I started talking to his friend and got involved with him. This backfired on me because his friend ended up really hurting me too so ig i got my karma. But the thing that hurt the most is that because of what I did, some of our friends took his side in the break up. I was told that I did something terrible by getting involved with his friend that he was already insecure about and that he didn’t deserve that. These are the same friends who were witness to the dumpster fire of a relationship we had and all the things he did to me. They turned their backs on me because of this one thing I did. But stood by and watched as he treated me like garbage for over a year.

I will conclude this by saying that while this relationship has been “over and done with” for almost two years now, I carry a lot of trauma from it still. I still talk about him in therapy and have had to put in a lot of work to heal from what he did and i still cannot say that i am okay. I am very blessed to now have a patient and understanding partner who has helped me heal from that trauma and i just want to quickly thank him for that. Nobody deserves to go through what I did. While yes, it was a toxic relationship, and I had a part in that, it does not excuse all the awful things he said and did to me. This is my truth, thank you for taking the time to read it.

Dont @ me but if ur a white content creator u should probably examine your brown characters (especially the darker skinned ones) and see if u aren’t following a certain trend of making them all aggressive, violent, surly or otherwise outwardly angry

the god of undead miracles

Old Embers, New Flames (tumblr x Reddit)

(Hurt/comfort, 1683 words, mlm) Look. You saw the title. You're the one clicking read more. I'm not held responsible for your actions and you're not permitted to question mine.

A tale as old as time, a lonesome boy with a broken heart, standing in the rain. Bloody and battered, bearing the burden of betrayal by his own kin. 

It's getting hard to stay standing, so I crawl to the side of the road, putting my back against a tree. I laugh miserably at my own state. Chuckles turn into snorts turn into heavy, agonising sobs. How could I have been such a fool? How could I have trusted someone who was sure to leave me bleeding out at the side of a road like this?

The rain seeps into my wounds, trying to wash away the evidence of their torture. Not that it'll go away anytime soon. Not that it'll go away before I go away. And not that I have any other choice. 

How could I have just laid here, letting them do whatever they wanted to me? How could I have not heard the cruel intentions behind those sugar coated words? What was the point of regretting now? I'm going to die here, alone despite everything I did. 

I can feel the life trickle out of every wound. My life flashes before my eyes, nothing but a series of useless faces. The night was cold and there was no one who loved me. A deep chill settled over my heart with each uncaring face I remember, none of them would help me now. 

Call it a dying man's delusion, because not in a million years would I believe he would help me. I picture myself at his doorstep, and him laughing at me for all those times I'd insulted him. Worse, I picture him not opening the door at all. Why would he? I have been nothing but an enemy to him. 

Until I remember him. 

Still, the urge to see someone's －someone who cares about me enough to laugh at me－ face before I die is strong. He might not have any reason to help me, but I would not die alone. I deserved at least that. 

With a new hope of… I don't know, being seen one last time? I rip off a piece from my already tattered jacket and tie it around my arm to momentarily stop the bleeding. Pushing to my feet, I stumble across the street to where his junkyard of a home is. 

It's exactly as I remember, not because he doesn't change it, but because it's the same time of the year as I last saw it. The threshold is above three stairs. Of course, look how high and mighty the king is, living a lofty two and a half feet above the common ground. It takes everything in me to not pass out on those steps. 

I knock on the door right before the last of my strength flows out and slump against the wall. If he doesn't answer, good for him. I'll die right here outside his door and have him clean up the mess. 

Knowing him, he wouldn't even mind. I could almost hear him seeing the blood stains on the white marble and saying, 'oh, I didn't know my house was the children's hospital.' Him and his stupid jokes. I can't believe I was going to die and the last voice I hear will be his. What was I thinking? 

Despite all I did to convince myself that I hate him, nothing could stop my knees from buckling at the sight of him. I hold on tighter to the door frame. "Sorry," I grunt, "I… hah, I didn't know where… else to go."

Surprisingly, the door clicks and creaks open. And there is he. 

He didn't speak, unusually out of character for him, considering he never shuts up. I glance at him, vision blurring for a few seconds before I really see him. Ah, the same ol' Tumblr, with his true blue hair and piercing dark eyes. The furrow in his brow that looks unsettling to me, because I'm used to getting indifferent once-overs from his gaze and not whatever emotions he had behind it right now. 

Tumblr finally speaks, and the protectiveness in his voice shocks me so much I think I'm imagining it. "Who did this to you?"

That's all it took for me to break. I fall forward, grasping him in a way that's sure to reopen some closed cuts. I can tell I took him by surprise, but he isn't pushing me away and kicking me out, so I give in too. "They cornered me, 'blr. 'ey made me helpless. I had- had nowhere to go," I sob into his shoulder. 

He takes me by surprise too, by wrapping his arms around my back. His hands dig into my sides, into a blooming bruise and I whimper. 

"Can you stand?" he whispers.

"N-no."

He hums, arms still around me, and leads us into the house. My back hits the couch with a soft thump, making me wince. He turns back to the door and locks it before disappearing into the bathroom. I raise my uninjured hand to my face to wipe my eyes. 

Tumblr comes back in a few moments with a first aid kit in hand. He sits beside me, already unrolling a bandage. Of all the things I had expected when I came here, this was the least probable, and yet. 

"Did you get that from the children's hospital?" I say weakly, trying to diffuse the tension. 

Unluckily for me, he doesn't laugh. Instead, he glares at me like if I wasn't already dying he would've loved to kill me with his own hands. "Where are you hurt?" he sneers. 

I nod to my left arm, where the deepest wound is. He unties the knot of my make-shift bandage with a gentleness I could have never expected. Looking at the open wound, I feel a thousand times more vulnerable than I did before. Tumblr doesn't even wince, just takes a wet towel to clean it. He looks up at me and curls his lips in disgust. "Hold my shoulder, this is going to hurt."

Hesitantly, I place my hand on his shoulder. The towel rubs against my skin and I immediately tighten my grip. Despite how gentle he was being, those were some serious cuts. 

"Can you talk?" 

I nod. "Kinda."

"Talk, then. Tell me what happened," he grumbles. 

"I got jumped," I lie. What would he understand about-

"Don't fuck with me, Redd," he growls, pausing to glare at me. "Tell me what happened."

"You know, don't you? You know they were robbing me."

"Ah, those motherfuckers."

"They robbed me. They took away everything I needed to live. They left me helpless and when I tried to defend myself they did this."

He stares up at me in both anger and disbelief at once. "And you came to me!?"

"Who else was I supposed to go to," I replied meekly. 

"You were about to die and you came to me!? All I would've done was laugh at you, are you fucking stupid!?" Well, that was true. Or at least I believed it was. Because then Tumblr went silent and put down the towel to treat the cut on my arm, and we both knew for certain he wouldn't have laughed. 

"I still would've come here, knowing you'd laugh at me."

"Why would you do that?" The anger in his voice terrifies me. Because I know it is not just anger but the mask of rage on something delicate, and whatever it is, is much more frightening than his anger. Still, the chokehold that my own thoughts have me in is scarier, and I can hold them in no more. 

"To hear you laugh before I go."

His eyes meet mine and I think if I knew all those fights and quarrels would lead to this exact moment I would have taken every insult without offence. 

"You don't know what you're saying," he says. 

"Incoherence is more of your forte."

He shakes his head, slowly tying a knot on the bandage. He looks at me again but his eyes drop to the suffocating distance between us. 

"I've been nothing but cruel to you."

"Does it matter?" I say. "You keep me alive."

And then there it is, all the anger pouring out of him as I pull his eyes back to mine with my words. This time, his gaze trails from my eyes to the bruise on my cheek to, finally, my lips. 

I use my uninjured hand to cup his jaw and make him look at me. Because I don't want him to look away. I never want him to look away. I think of kissing him and almost laugh at the thought. 

So I kiss him back －like I haven't been pushing this exact thought away for as long as I remember, like I haven't wanted to do this for as long as I'd known him. I zero in on the feeling of his lips on mine and focus there. I try not to let it seem like I've wanted this because, fuck, I didn't even know how much I did until it was here. 

And then he kisses me. 

But then his hand is on my thigh, his teeth are on my lip and all hell breaks loose. I push my fingers into his hair and the other arm around his neck. He towers over me, pressing me down until my head is on the armrest. 

Tumblr pulls away, gasping. Me? I'm giddy all over. He sits back where he was between my legs and I stare at him with a grin so wide it makes my cheeks hurt. "Well, wasn't that something."

He laughs, shaking his head. "Don't push your luck, I still hate you."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," I say, still smiling because so is he. And because he's full of shit, trying to pretend that didn't mean something. "So… Can I stay a while longer?"

"And then go back to what? Those tyrant cunts?" Tumblr scoffs. He crawls back over me, pinning me down. "You're not going anywhere."

Wish y'all had supported Craig of the Creek as much as y'all supported Steven Universe, but I get it. Different type of story, different audiences. Still. I wanna stomp corporate greed's neck for cancelling this one.

Abled Person: Hey man, can you hold this wad of $2,000 and this one penny for me while I open my wallet?

Disabled Person: YOU COMPLETE AND UTTER FOOL!

The United States Government:

(Watch how many people don’t get this.)

I cannot BELIEVE you guys actually signing up to netflix just because account sharing was banned. You need to learn about cool websites with many beautiful women who would love you message you and send you downloadable files.

recently I got pulled into the kavetham madness even though I don’t play genshin but anyway

the babyfication of Kaveh is SO BAD my god,, y’know this trend where people make notes as if the characters were writing these? Whenever I see one of those they make Kaveh so dumb like bffr he would not ask Alhaitham for a fucking MATH QUESTION he is an architect!!!!

Alhaitham sees them as mirrors which means he thinks of them as EQUALS they’re geniuses for god’s sake 

the fetishization of mlm ships makes my blood boil

JUST BC KAVEH CARES AB LOOKS AND IS OPEN TO PEOPLE DOESN’T MAKE HIM SOME DAMSEL IN DISTRESS

Did he make some bad financial decisions? yes. but he did it consciously, if he could go back in time he still would build this fucking palace because he is as stubborn as Alhaitham

also, idk if maybe im delusional here but is Kaveh really this gullible or does he get scammed on purpose.

im so normal ab him