I WAnt This, Man 😭

hyune fics are so ??? 😭😭😭😭😭😭

The snow falls, we fall apart.

summary: when heartbreak looms on your life, and winter becomes a time you loathe, hyunjin helps you rewrite your memories with the season, and with it, everything you once believed about love.

genre: producer student!hyunjin x reader. roommates!au. friends to lovers. acute descriptions of heartbreak and general sadness. slow burn. hurt/comfort. healing and hopeless romantic hyune. very inspired by long for you so lots of pining and yearning. (wc: 13k)

warnings: mentions of alcohol. it is implied that reader was in an a very toxic relationship but no details are shared.

a.n: happy birthday to my hyunjin, my muse, my light. thank you for being so full of love that it made me love love again in return. this is i think my most personal piece, and i hope it reminds those who need it that love should be soft and kind, that it shouldn’t hurt, that it should heal not break. i love you guys and i love you my xi, writing this collab with you has been a true honor <3 also!! please listen to long for you while reading :,)

winter falls masterlist.

You’ve only ever felt utter despair twice in your life.

First, when you were seven years old, playing hide and seek with your cousins at your grandma’s house. It was a warm summer afternoon, the air sweetened by pastries you devoured hours ago. You decided to hide in a wooden cabinet up in the attic, only to end up stuck there. The walls felt like they were closing in on you, the oxygen seeping away from the cracks underneath the door, leaving you deprived of air, of life.

Second, at twelve, when you've come to discover sorrow's new facet, clad in grief's heavy cloak. Your parents adopted a hamster for your birthday, but they did not know he had a terminal disease. You were distraught, to say the least, when you awoke to its still form, death claiming a frail heart unaware of its imminent fate.

And now, third, many many moons later, you are knocking on Hyunjin’s door a few minutes after midnight. It is cold out, tears tracing rivulets on your cheeks, your fingers tinted pink from roaming outside in the harsh winds, your heart much heavier than when you were a child. More grief-stricken, at your own hands, this time.

A disheveled Hyunjin opens the door, his blonde ash hair tousled and sticking upwards, a clear indication of the many times he had run his hands through it in fits of frustration. His gray hoodie zipped up hastily, revealing the silver cross necklace he was wearing, nestling perfectly against his honeyed skin.

You've always had an aversion to seeking comfort, saw it as revealing your deepest vulnerabilities to a world that isn't always kind. It was easier, much simpler to do so when you were a clueless child— when you sank in your cousin Lia's hold as she attempted to steady your breathing, when your mother cradled you in her lap after Pinky died.

It is much harder now, much more embarrassing because Hyunjin has never seen you this sad, never glimpsed your shadows that now swarm his doorstep, unannounced.

“What's wrong?” he quickly asks, eyes darting over your figure in a rapid search for visible wounds. He wouldn’t find any. All your injuries stem from within— blood doesn’t have to be spilled for your heart to weep.

You had rehearsed a lie as you walked up to his doorstep. You would say that your car broke down near his place and ask if you could stay over for the night. He would insist he could drive you to your place and you’d refuse, saying that it was too late and you did not wish to bother him. You’d sleep on the couch and slip away in the early hours of the morning.

Yet, it is the genuine worry etched in his eyes that dismantles the fortress you've hidden in, melts the lie in your throat, morphing it into a steel lump coiling in your throat. He looks concerned when all you’ve had directed towards you recently was anger. And you missed someone looking at you in care, not reproach.

“I didn’t know where else to go.” You admit, your voice shattered, fragments of your vocal cords scattered out in the wind like a broken mosaic, the sound of it scraping against your ears.

Blow one hurt. It felt like your body turned against you as it deprived you of oxygen. The sobs that escaped you once you perceived the light pained you, perhaps more than being confined in the darkness.

Blow two was even worse, it was your first time experiencing grief. It was too hard of a concept for your innocent heart to grasp, too complicated for you to find solace in anything as adults do.

You promised yourself that you’d reserve blow three for monumental agonies— big pains and big sorrows only. That’s how you managed to keep all your tears at bay for most of your life. Would they be worth losing your third sob for? No, you've always found the answer to be.

And in all the twisted scenarios you’ve conjured up in your mind, deaths and illnesses and the haunting tale of failure, you did not imagine that it would happen on Hwang Hyunjin’s doorstep. That you’d burst into sobs at the compassionate look in his gaze, and the sad smile he sent your way. As if he knew, as everyone did around you. That you had handed a knife to a serial killer and it was only a matter of time before he stabbed you in the heart.

Two weeks ago.

“I’m trying to understand you but you aren’t helping me,” Seungmin is frustrated as he paces relentlessly before you from left to right like a swinging pendulum. You sit on the couch, beholding only his shoes, avoiding his gaze that would reflect the truth you dare not confront.

“He’s sucking the life out of you, can’t you see that?”

You can, out of everyone that surrounds you, you can see it the most. You feel as if you are carrying a skin that isn’t your own, weighed down by a relationship that has taken everything from you. But admitting it is admitting that you were wrong, in trusting him, in loving him. You couldn’t bear it.

“We are fine!” you shout back, the defiance in your voice surprises even you. This is a familiar script with Seungmin, a recurring conversation spurred by your puffy eyes and diminishing appetite. He tells you, begs you to leave, but where could you go? How could you leave a home where you've shed all your treasured belongings at the door— your skin, your bones, your very self.

What place would welcome you now that you're stripped bare of your soul?

“When was the last time he made you smile, huh? All he does is hurt you, and you...” he chuckles incredulously, running his hand through his hair. “You are letting him.”

Deny, deny, deny.

“This isn’t true. He loves me,” the words taste foreign in your mouth like rusty metal dragging across your lips. A small voice whispers that love shouldn't feel like this, but you quiet it down.

“Are you hearing yourself? Yn, I…” he kneels before you, his hands resting comfortingly on your knees. This is Seungmin, your best friend of five years. You know he has your best interests at heart, you are even more sure of it when his voice softens, shakes slightly when he utters your name. “Yn, please. I’m trying to help you. Please.”

“I didn’t ask for your help,” you push away his hands, standing up. “I don’t want your help, and I don’t need it.”

You quickly leave Seungmin’s dorm, your heart heavier than when you entered it, foolishly hoping that he'd ignore your distressed state after yet another fight with your boyfriend. But Seungmin doesn't understand, no one around you does— you’ve gambled your heart, and you cannot stop drawing the cards, even in the face of losing strikes.

❁ ❁ ❁

Hyunjin offers you a cup of tea with a gentle smile and you grab the steaming drink from his hands. The smell of chamomile wraps around your senses, and your brain fizzles out for a second before the soothing aroma. But it is a fleeting respite, the tempest of your thoughts crashes back onto you with an unsettling force, causing you to almost drop the drink as your hands shake. You place it down the table without taking a sip.

“I’m sorry for coming unannounced,” you apologize, wincing at the intrusion, “I hope I didn’t wake you up.”

“I always sleep late. Don’t worry about it,” he smiles, but you know it isn’t a genuine grin, because his eyes betray an unsubdued concern, refusing to morph into their usual moon crescents.

You’ve always thought that Hyunjin wears his emotions openly— when he laughed, he did so loudly, his boisterous giggles traveling around Seungmin’s dorm. When he hurt himself, everyone in the vicinity would know so from his loud yelps. And when something worried him, he would bite his lip, toying with the plush flesh to ease his nerves.

As he is doing now. Looking at you.

“We broke up,” you quickly say, and your words hang over you like a gloomy cloud. “But I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Do you want me to fight him? I’ll bring changbin too,” he suggests a serious tone underlying his playful offer, and it manages to tear a reluctant giggle out of you.

“Changbin doesn’t know me well enough to fight for me,” you counteract and he shakes his head. “He’ll fight for me, I'm his princess.”

“Are you now?” The giggle escapes your mouth less forcefully, and the smile that graces Hyunjin’s face is a genuine one.

“I am. My proposal stands,” he extends his hand and you wrap your fingers around his palm. “Thank you, I’ll keep it in mind,” you smile but he frowns, flipping your hand around in his hold.

“You are freezing,” he whispers, using his other palm to rub warmth into yours.

“It’s fine,” you lie, slipping your hand out of his grasp, not feeling deserving of his kindness.

Wordlessly, Hyunjin stands, walking into what you assume is his bedroom. You only know of his place because you dropped off Seungmin here some time ago. You are too exhausted to even drink in the interior.

“Here,” he returns, handing you a navy hoodie of his and black joggers. “This will keep you warm at night.”

“Thank you,” you whisper, hesitating for a few seconds before speaking again. “Can you please not tell Seungmin, I... I can't face him right now.”

“Of course. I’ll be awake still if you do need something.”

Hyunjin’s clothing is warm, although peeling away your own garments felt like shedding layers of your skin, as if the fabric melted into your very flesh, just like memories from the day did. You have never felt this worthless before, discarded like a forgotten leaf on the roadside, one he stepped on for his own enjoyment, leaving you crushed in his wake, unable to fly away again.

Hyunjin’s rose perfume wraps around you, and you find relief in sleeping somewhere where your, his, scent was no longer around. You foolishly hope that if you close your eyes hard enough, you’ll manage to convince yourself that you’re someone else, tonight. Someone who isn’t tethered to the heartache, someone who can slip away from the clutches of a love that hurts more than hate could ever manage to do.

❁ ❁ ❁

Heartbreak isn’t beautiful, no matter how eloquently you try to dress it in the syllables of poetry, no words can soften the burn in your lungs, the searing ache that courses through your very core, reminding you that deep within, down to the fundamentals of your being and the most basic alchemy that ties your atoms together— you are unlovable. Whether you cut your hair or allow it to grow, change your heart, or leave it as it has always been, you will remain so.

You don’t remember much of the past week, blurry fragments here and there that float in your mind like a distorted water reflection. There is little room for memories when you are busy trying to remember how to breathe— one inhale in, one exhale out. The simple concept seems harder when there are unkind hands permanently lodged into your heart, squeezing it tight.

What you do remember is telling Seungmin through text the next day, because you couldn’t bear the way his eyes would soften if you spoke to him in person. No signs of surprise cast on his figure, because he knew that it was long coming, a train with one final inevitable destination— you in shambles, him okay.

You remember Seungmin cradling you in his arms when he came to see you, and you trying desperately to keep the tears at bay— too focused on pinching your arm to let Seungmin’s warmth radiate through your being, Hyunjin lingering uncomfortably by the entrance of his living room.

You remember begging Seungmin to grab your belongings from the apartment you shared with your ex because you were unable to face him, him, and everything that your old place spelled out for you. Stand in the ruins of what you once thought would be your permanent home.

And now, you watch as Seungmin and Hyunjin bring suitcases full of your stuff into the latter’s place. And you feel like an outsider in your own body, standing at the corner of the room gazing at utter destruction, unable to stop it, unable to mend it. Seungmin quickly reassures you that you could crash in his and Minho’s place until you find a new one to live in, already taking out his laptop to search for new apartments for you.

But you did not care for it, your eyes zeroed in on the satin shirt peeking out of your suitcase. The one he bought you on your first month anniversary. Back when love felt like a gentle feather running down your spine, and not a dull knife slicing away at your skin.

“This place's expensive too,” Seungmin sighs, rubbing his temple warily. Your logical best friend could not fix your heartbreak but he took it to heart to alleviate your other troubles. You would thank him for it, later, when your tongue finds enough will to move.

“What if you move in with me?” Hyunjin suddenly says and his words filtrate through the fog in your mind easily, as if he rehearsed them enough times so they’d roll out smoothly out of his mouth. “I mean, Felix is away for the next year since he went back to Australia. And I was looking for a new roommate anyway.” He shrugs and Seungmin turns to look at you, his eyes convey the question his mouth doesn’t articulate— is it okay with you?

“I don’t…” your voice is croaked, so you clear your throat. “I don’t want you to do things out of pity.”

“I’m not. If I was, I would've told you to move in with me for free. I still need you to pay rent,” he raises his eyebrows, a playful tease and you smile in relief, nodding, “Okay, I will. thank you.”

Heartbreak is ugly and all-encompassing, weaving through the roots of your heart and infecting each organ with its insidious touch. It renders you immobile, incapable of performing the simplest tasks, burdened by a weight unseen by the world. But you try your best, your very best to contain it.

You smile at the cashier as she hands back your money only to wonder if her soft, well-manicured hands would too crush a soul without remorse. You go to all your classes without fail but your mind is elsewhere, contemplating why the sun filtering through the windows no longer warms your skin. Can nerve endings perish when subjected to too much pain? What's left of life when you can no longer feel the caress of the sun?

You watch a movie at Seungmin's dorm but your mind is elsewhere, fleeting to this morning and how you refused to stay in the shower for more than three minutes because your thoughts might become haunting ghosts tempting you to follow them. You brush your hair and spray your perfume, only because you have to, because you live with Hyunjin and you wouldn’t want your sadness to taint him too. You wonder how long you’ll have to bear it. You wonder if it’ll ever leave you or if the veins in your heart have molded themselves after the pain and they wouldn’t know how to accept happiness anymore.

You greet Hyunjin as he walks past you, shaking your head when he asks you if you want to eat dinner with him, quickly retracting back into your room. You have ten unread messages and a pile of growing laundry you need to do, but all you can muster is to gaze at the empty walls, mirroring the void within you. Your mom told you to call her again and you don’t know how you’ll speak to her without bursting into a sob, how you’ll tell her that all it took was one person to break you. Or maybe it was two people, your hands and his tearing apart your flesh and bones. Maybe that’s the worst part about it. So you don’t call her.

And you only ever emerge from your room when you need to, just like now because your water bottle is finished and you need to refill it. You go to open the kitchen door when you hear Hyunjin’s muted shatter, Felix’s distinctive deep voice coming out of the phone speaker.

“Next you add the melted butter and stir it,” Felix instructs, the sounds of pots and utensils clinking in the background. You fidget slightly, mustering the strength to paint a fake smile on your lips.

“What next?”

“Sift the dry ingredients then add them to your wet mixture,” Felix explains, met with a few seconds of silence. You can almost visualize Hyunjin's perplexed expression, blinking rapidly in confusion.

“Explain it to me like I’m five years old,” he requests, prompting a small smile to etch itself onto your face.

“How are you surviving without me?”

“I’m not please come home,” Hyunjin sounds horrified as Felix’s rich chuckles fill the air. “Why do you suddenly want to make brownies anyway?” he then asks.

You go to open the door when Hyunjin’s response catches you off guard.

“They’re for Yn.”

Hyunjin's words resonate in the air, causing a hitch in your throat and Felix’s teasing whistles simultaneously, but Hyunjin is quick to stop him. “No, no, no, it’s not like that. They’re just a bit down and I remember them loving your brownies. So…”

It takes you a fleeting moment to dig the memory out of your mind, a year ago, right before your ex came to pick you up from Seungmin’s dorm. You had a bite of Felix’s brownies, a surprised gasp escaping your lips at its delicious taste, back when food had taste and happiness came easily to you. It was an insignificant memory, you did not imagine Hyunjin, out of everyone, would remember it.

But he did, and he’s now pacing before your closed door, contemplating how he’ll convince you to finally eat something with him. He throws a thumbs-up in the air for no one but himself, inhaling deeply before knocking on your door.

“Hey,” he greets with a hopeful smile, his gaze meeting your tired form. He hesitates for a second, clearing his throat. “Brownies?” You remain unmoving and he falters, “Hm? Please?”

“Sure,” you nod and a wave of relief floods through Hyunjin as you step out of your room. His joy is short-lived when he takes the brownies out of the oven, only to find them thoroughly burnt.

His mouth hangs agape, and he walks back shamefully to the oven, lowering its door only to scream inside of it.

“This will be more therapeutic,” you say, pointing nonchalantly to the fridge and he agrees, opening its doors and yelling once again in the much larger space.

Your melodic laughter fills the kitchen, Hyunjin’s embarrassment is suddenly a forgotten memory.

“I’m craving kimbap. Should we get it instead?” you propose, a touch shyly and he quickly agrees, afraid you’d change your mind and walk back to your room where he can no longer ensure you are okay.

Hyunjin absentmindedly dances along to the music blasting through the convenience store when a girl sidles up to his side, a saccharine grin on her lips as she looks up at him, “hi,” she greets and his tentative smile mirrors hers. “Hey.”

“Are you single?” she asks, her gaze briefly fleeting to the window. “I think you are really cute.”

“I’m…” he glances at you but you're suddenly engrossed in the ingredients of the tuna kimbap you are holding, pretending not to listen. “I am but I’m not interested, thank you.”

“Oh, come on,” she places a hand on his arm and he physically recoils. “Give me your insta and we could talk.”

“No,” he repeats, grabbing her hand to remove it when a loud voice startles him. “Baby, what’s taking you so— What are you doing?” Hyunjin watches in horror as the girl’s eyes grow wide, before she scrambles to the man’s side, feigning fear.

“He kept hitting on me when I said I had a boyfriend, baby.”

“What?” both you and Hyunjin gasped in comical unison. He would find it amusing if not for the escalating anger radiating from the man, who looks like he spends all his days in the gym. Hyunjin suddenly regrets not working out with Changbin.

The man strides towards Hyunjin. “Do you want to die?”

“No? there’s a misunderstanding,” he replies, swiftly standing before you and shielding you with his arm. “Your… baby,” he wiggles his finger in front of the man's face, “she was the one hitting on me!”

The man scoffs loudly, his face growing redder from the anger seething in him. “So you hit on my girlfriend and then accuse her of cheating?” His fist rises threateningly, prompting Hyunjin to step back, accidentally bumping into your chest.

“Wait, wait, wait! Let’s go talk outside, man to man,” Hyunjin pauses, his voice taking on a taunting edge, “unless you're too scared?” he smirks as he feels you pull at his shirt, whispering an incredulous- “What are you doing?” He shakes his head, grabbing your hand and leading you outside, throwing a sly wink at the man behind you now.

“Are you seriously going to fight him?” you ask, your gaze shifting towards the deranged couple who are about to step out of the grocery store. “No, of course not. I'm a lover, not a fighter.”

“You said you'd fight my ex,” you point out and his eyes soften surprisingly.

“You are an exception.” He looks back at the man, who's now walking towards you both. “But anyways, do you know how to run?” he asks and you frown, “who doesn’t know how to—” you pause as realization dawns on you. “No," you whisper furiously.

“Yes.”

“No,” you shake your head, horrified and he nods, eyes apologetic.

“Yes.” His fingers entwine with yours, he squeezes your hand once before he takes off running.

“Hwang fucking Hyunjin!” you shout and he looks back at you, a mischievous smile on his face. “I’m sorry Yn my face is too pretty to be beaten up.”

“He’s following us!” you yell, looking back horrified as the, even angrier, man runs after you.

“Well, run faster!”

“I’m wearing fucking slippers!” you curse and he giggles, tipping his head back, the wind slamming into you both, his hand never letting go of your own.

“Oh my god why is he still running!” you groan and Hyunjin picks up speed, moving you even closer to his sprinting figure

“I know, is it ever that serious?” he yells above his shoulder and you dig your nails into his palm.

“Shut up, this wouldn’t have happened if you weren’t so gorgeous.”

“So, you think I’m pretty too?” Hyunjin grins proudly and an incredulous laugh escapes your lips.

“Really? Is this what you’re getting out of this situation?”

“Silver linings, Yn, silver linings,” he shouts as you round a small alley, finally stopping to catch your breath. You both fall to the ground, heavy breaths escaping your chests.

“Holy shit, I’m not athletic at all,” he heaves, his eyes meeting yours. He expects to find anger lingering in your gaze but all he can grasp is your amused smile before you collapse into a fit of laughter, clapping loudly and clutching your stomach with your hand.

“Oh my god, I’m crying,” you laugh harder, wiping away at the tears falling from your eyes. Hyunjin’s weariness disappears in the blink of an eye— he did not realize how much he missed your smile until he glimpsed it again. And it is beautiful. Happiness looks beautiful on you.

“Idiot,” you hit his shoulder playfully, and his response is delayed for a few seconds, the warmth from your smile rendering him immobile.

“I’m sorry,” he chuckles, pulling you up. “Here, I’ll carry you home,” he squats slightly before you. “How impolite of me. How dare I make your majesty run.”

You shake your head, amused, before climbing atop his back, his warm palms holding your thighs securely. “Only because the slippers hurt my feet.”

You walk in silence for a while, your arms wound up around Hyunjin’s neck, the ghost of a smile still lingering on both your faces.

“They said it will snow tomorrow,” Hyunjin speaks suddenly and you stay silent for so long he starts to wonder if you even heard him.

“Mm? That’s nice,” your tone is melancholic, and he pauses at the peculiar sadness in it— as though you were trying to act nonchalant about something that has once meant the world to you.

“Don’t you like the snow?” he asks and your hold on his neck falters.

“I loved it. Loved ice skating and building snowmen.” Your voice is light and airy, like Hyunjin’s favorite mint chocolate ice cream. “But now it reminds me of bad times, bad memories.”

“I understand.”

Hyunjin knows what it feels like to relinquish parts of yourself you never wished to part from. For someone to grab your happiest places and to cast a gloomy filter atop them. Sometimes it is the loss of a season that hurts more than the departure of a person.

And Hyunjin loves winter.

He’ll do everything so that you’ll come to love it again too.

❁ ❁ ❁

Is it a nightmare if the person in it is one you once loved, looked forward to beholding with your gaze, hoping they’d never slip out of your reach? You don’t know, but you are growing tired of having the same dreams every night. Of waking up with an exhaustion that goes beyond your restless sleep but pleads from your soul to rest after almost a year of torment.

You sigh wearily, rubbing a hand through your face before walking to the kitchen to retrieve a glass of water. You find Hyunjin there, eating a cupcake while standing shirtless, scrolling through his phone. You blink at the sight.

“Hey,” you clear your throat and he startles, dropping the cupcake on the ground. He goes to pick it up only to bang his head on the table, a loud yelp escaping his lips. You barely contain your giggles as you walk to his side, rubbing your palm soothingly on his head. “I'm sorry I didn't mean to scare you.”

“At least pretend you are sorry,” he mumbles, pointing to your amused smile and you chuckle, taking his hand and helping him to his feet.

“What are you doing up now?” he asks as he grabs some napkins to clean up the pink frosting smeared across the floor.

You hesitate for a few seconds before whispering, “Just nightmares. And you?” you quickly add, not keen on pushing the subject any further.

“I'm working on a song,” he explains, as his gaze lingers on your sunken eyes, weighed down by dark circles from too many sleepless nights.

“And the cupcake?”

“Some people need caffeine to function. I need flour.”

“I literally see you drink three americanos per day.”

“Okay well maybe I need both,” he admits sheepishly and you grin, drumming your fingers along the countertop.

“Can I sit with you while you work?” you ask quickly, before the words linger enough in your mouth that you no longer wish to spit them out.

The smile that Hyunjin sends you is kind, pushing the shadows of your nightmares just slightly out of reach.

“Of course, yeah you can. Don’t even need to ask.”

Hyunjin walks first into his bedroom, quickly slipping on a hoodie while you take in the interior. It is a quite simple room— a large bed with gray covers, and a desk filled with what you assume to be his producing equipment sits adjacent. But what catches your attention is the dried rose hung delicately on the wall, and the array of paintings surrounding it. You edge closer to it, drawn to the well-crafted paintings— a sun-drenched beach, a couple lost in an embrace so intimate their forms can no longer be separated, and an elderly pair riding a motorcycle, their love radiating vibrantly as if enclosed in eternal youth.

“You paint?” you ask, turning around to find Hyunjin watching you. He steps closer, enveloping you once more in the fragrance of his rose perfume.

“In my free time.”

“You are amazing, Hyunjin,” you compliment sincerely, your gaze fixed on that imagery of the old couple, one that most likely grew together. It tugs at your heartstrings, stirs a painful longing within you, a memory of a time when you too believed you’d find such boundless love.

“Thank you,” he murmurs, before brushing his fingertips gently against your forearm, for a fleeting second. “Are you okay?” he asks, a tenderness you’ve been aching for latched into his question. Your eyes refuse to peel away from the paintings and the love spilling from each paint brush stroke, a love that refuses to rest on your being as if you were harboring an armor that repels it.

“No,” you reply sincerely, turning to face him. “It’s really hard,” you say with a smile, hoping that the mechanical display of happiness would keep your tears at bay, tricking your brain into believing you're not as sad as you feel.

It fails to do so, and the tears well in your eyes like a gathering storm. Frustration twists your features as you shut your eyes, tilting your head upward in a desperate attempt to contain the flood. It pauses as Hyunjin cradles the back of your head, drawing you close to the warmth of his neck. His palm glides soothingly along your spine, before patting your back ever so gently.

Your back stiffens, hands curling into tight fists, breath catching in your throat. You've grown accustomed to pushing away comfort, putting up tall barriers to shield yourself. But tonight, Hyunjin seems to break through your defenses.

Tonight, you soften, fingers curling into the fabric of his shirt, head nestling deeper against his tender skin.

“It wasn’t your fault,” he whispers and another sob wracks through you, but he only holds you tighter. “It’ll get better soon.”

“I loved him,” you hiccup, your voice breaks, “a lot.”

“I know, that’s why it hurts.” His voice is gentle, and yet his hold on you feels secure as if you could stumble and fall, and he would be there to catch you

“I want it to stop hurting.”

“It will, with time.”

Your next words are tinged with a childlike vulnerability, reminiscent of blow one, then two. But you do not care for it, in that instant, you crave the reassurance, you need someone to plant a seed of hope in your soul because your hands are too frail to dig for it.

“Do you promise me?”

His response doesn’t come hastily, carelessly thrown into the air like idle chatters. He takes his time, considering it with the gravity of an oath.

“I promise you.” He finally says, each syllable infused with sincerity. A brief pause hangs in the air before he adds. “And if it doesn’t then you can hit me.”

“On your pretty face?” you ask, a smile tugging at your lips despite yourself.

“On my pretty face,” he confirms with a chuckle.

“What an honor,” you roll your eyes playfully as you lean back and he grins, tenderly wiping away your tears with the back of his fingers.

“I can't believe it took three minutes for you to cry in my room. This isn’t good for my reputation.”

“Good thing this will never leave this bedroom, right?” you point a finger at him threateningly, and he pretends to zip his lips, tossing away the imaginary key. “You got it.”

“So what are you working on?” you ask as you settle on the edge of his bed, knees drawn up to your chest.

“It’s a pretty sad song, wanna hear?” he offers, sitting across from you on his chair.

“Yeah, I'd love to,” you smile, and Hyunjin deftly adjusts a few buttons, before his melancholic whistles weave through the air, coupled with the somber melody of a piano. Your breath catches in your throat, the music reaching into the very depths of your soul. It's as if the notes are calling out for a loved one, for a time that has long passed, for a past that will never come back no matter how much we long for it.

The instrumental continues, each piano note and each violin string echo like a bittersweet lament, springing tears to your eyes. But the melody remains beautiful, akin to the beauty always found in the sadness— in the tears that cascade down your cheeks like glistening crystals, in the tremble of your hands akin to branches swaying in the wind, in the rise and fall of your chest with each breath, mirroring the ebb and flow of the waves.

Hyunjin watches you intently as the music envelops you both, his gaze softening with each passing moment. You bring a hand to your chest, almost unconsciously, too engrossed in the melody to even blink. He feels a blush sprout on his cheeks as your teary eyes hold his with the last fading guitar strings.

“You keep on making me cry,” you whisper, your voice choked with emotion, and he grins, tilting his head shyly against his shoulder.

“You like it?” he asks, a tad eager and you nod, not bothering to wipe the lone tears that are falling down your cheeks.

“I think this is what my loneliness sounds like,” you confess softly.

“As do mine.”

A silent beat runs between you both, it isn’t uncomfortable, but safe. Because you understand him, just as he understands you.

“Sometimes I long for things that have passed," he admits, “although I know I can't get them anymore.”

“The most terrible thing you can long for is yourself.”

“Because no one’s to blame for that loss but you?” he muses and you nod, a sad smile tugging at your lips. “Yeah, exactly.”

You bite your lip, casting a glance back at the paintings adorning the wall. “I don't love him anymore,” you begin quietly. “I stopped a long time ago because there was no room for love anymore to grow amid weeds and thorns.”

He remains silent, sensing that this is a weight you need to unburden yourself from.

“But in the midst of it I think I stopped loving myself too,” you whisper, a confession too terrible to be uttered out loud. “That's what I long for. The things I used to love that I'm indifferent to now.”

“Like you’re a stranger before everything once familiar to you.”

“Yeah, you express it prettily,” you remark with a small smile.

“It's my job,” he grins lightly.

“I think when your heart is pure,” he begins after a while, pausing to carefully choose the words that will soothe your burn, help sleep come more easily to you. “You give love to others more readily than you do to yourself. And it takes time, patience, to redirect that love back to your own heart once again. But it's not a mistake to love, you shouldn’t hate yourself for it. Nor should you blame your past self for loving the wrong person because they did not know what you now do.”

“Think of it as a caterpillar in their cocoon,” he continues gently, “when they finally emerge from their chrysalis, they might long for who they were, where they once were because it is the only place they've ever known. But they do not realize that they've transformed into a beautiful butterfly, that they can now fly, and witness much more than their chrysalis. So maybe, your new self will love the same things as before, or maybe you’ll find new, better things to love that you would have not known before. But in either way, your heart is beautiful. That is what matters, no?”

A small pout draws on your lips, your eyebrows scrunched as you gaze at him.

“You have a very tender soul, Hyunjin.”

Your words linger in Hyunjin's mind long after the sunrise, as you lay peacefully asleep on his bed. The melody of the instrumental he produced continues to play faintly in the background, serving as a gentle lullaby that eases you into slumber, entwined in his sheets, your arms wrapped protectively around yourself, one hand cradling your shoulders and the other resting gently on your stomach. The image sears into his eyes as he sketches the outlines of a figure holding itself absentmindedly, long into the night.

Hyunjin has had his fair share of compliments, mostly pertaining to his face, and others to his craft. but it is you who seems to have sensed that a part of his soul resided in his art, that he left pieces of his heart hidden in the notes he composes and the lyrics he writes, hoping they’ll find soft hands that will take care of them, just like your own.

Five days later.

hyunjin [11:34 p.m.]: are you home?

yn [11:34 p.m.]: yeahh, do you need anything?

hyunjin [11:35 p.m.]: come downstairs, im waiting for youu

if you say no i’ll freeze to death..

hurry i can’t feel my fingers anymore (please please) ㅠㅠㅠ

“This better be a life and death situation Hwang Hyunjin,” you say threateningly as soon as you appear before Hyunjin, causing him to straighten up from the wall he was leaning against.

“It is a very dangerous life-altering situation that requires your immediate assistance, indeed,” he responds solemnly, ushering you gently to his car and opening the door for you.

“Which is?” you ask as soon as he settles inside the car and he simply grins at you, his left dimple coming forth like the very sun on a gloomy day.

“You’ll see.”

Hyunjin’s eyes fleet to your figure every now and then, but you do not seem to notice, your gaze lost into the blurring lights ahead. He can tell you're still not entirely yourself, so he was prepared to forcibly drag you along with him. He’s almost surprised you accepted to come down so easily.

“Is that… Seungmin?” you speak suddenly, pointing to a man waving in the distance, as Hyunjin parks his car near an empty field.

“And Changbin? And Minho?” you continue, squinting your eyes, “and a bonfire?” you giggle with a hint of excitement.

“You love s’mores during the winter, right?”

Hyunjin smiles, your soul softens.

“I do,” you say quietly, “I really do.”

You quickly exit the car, running into Seungmin's arms with a grin of disbelief plastered on your face. “This is insane,” you almost shout, squeezing him tight in a hug.

“It was so hard to find the perfect middle of nowhere for this,” Minho grumbles as you move to greet him, but the warmth of his embrace assures you he's only teasing.

“Thank you,” you say with a smile as you hug Changbin, who affectionately ruffles your hair. “It was Hyunjin’s idea,” he reveals, and you glance back at Hyunjin, who stands with his hands buried deep within his sweatpants behind you. You mouth a silent “thank you” to him, but he shakes his head modestly as if it is nothing to bring happiness to a bruised heart.

The night unfolds in endless laughter, with Minho and Hyunjin taking turns roasting marshmallows over the crackling bonfire, and Seungmin serving you hot coffee to keep your hands warm. Your stomach aches from the uncontrollable fits of giggles that overtook your being as Minho recounts the time he danced so vigorously on stage for his dance club that he ripped his pants, feeling a breeze where there shouldn't be one; and Changbin tells you the story of the time his voice cracked in the middle of a rap battle, and how none of the boys stopped teasing him about it for months to come.

And as the four of them take turns making you laugh, a quiet, tender realization dawns on you—you are loved. It is something he tried to convince you was impossible, that no one around truly cared for you but him. And even then, you weren’t deserving of his love whole, only scrapes of it, as if you were a beggar tugging at the outskirts of his heart.

But Hyunjin reminded you otherwise. And if your friends found something worthy of love within you then perhaps so will you again, one day.

“Did you have fun?” Hyunjin asks as he opens the door to his, your, apartment hours later. What he doesn't expect is for you to respond by wrapping your arms around his slender torso, squeezing tight in gratitude.

“Thank you,” you whisper and he nods, though you cannot see him, returning the embrace by wrapping his arms around your shoulder blades.

Hyunjin doesn't let go first, sensing that perhaps you need this hug more than he does. He smiles as your eyes meet his again, but his grin falters when he notices your gaze flickering towards your bedroom, a hint of unease clouding your expression. It's as if behind that door lie monsters only you can grasp, wearing the faces of people you once knew, once loved.

“Wanna stay with me while I work on the song?”

“Last time I ended up sleeping on your bed,” you say a bit shamefully, recalling the morning you woke up to find yourself covered with a thick blanket that wasn’t there before, alone in Hyunjin's room.

“It's okay,” he shrugs, “I missed sleeping on the couch.”

You stare pointedly at him and he chuckles, “Fine, I did not miss it. But you needed the sleep, so it’s okay with me.”

“Fine,” you concede, though you did not need much convincing for it. “But only if you promise you’ll wake me up if I end up falling asleep again.”

Hyunjin tilts his head, thinking to himself for a few seconds before shaking his head stubbornly, a small pout drawn on his face, his eyes semi-closed. “No.”

“Hyunjin!”

“Nu-uh,” he insists, shaking his head once more as he walks back towards his room. “I'm waiting for you!”

“I'm not coming!”

But you do eventually join him, after changing your clothes and washing your face. You find Hyunjin clad in beige and white checkered pajamas, his glasses pushing back his silky hair as he hunches over his journal, scribbling away before erasing what he wrote.

“Struggling with lyrics?” you ask, leaning against the wall and he startles. “Do you float on the ground? Why can I never hear you come in?”

“Or maybe you just love being dramatic,” you sing-song, laying atop his bed, much more at ease than the previous night.

Hyunjin sticks his tongue out childishly in response, and you playfully mimic the gesture before both of you dissolve into happy giggles.

“Kind of,” he explains once you both settle down, “I have this specific feeling in mind that I need to convey.”

“You'll do well,” you reassure softly, “your lyrics are always so beautiful. Remember Cover me?” you smile and he scratches the back of his ear, a shy grin spreading across his face.

“You still listen to it?” he asks and you nod eagerly, attempting to belt into Seungmin’s ending high note. You fail horribly and Hyunjin throws a crumpled piece of paper on your face to get you to stop singing.

“My poor ears,” he laughs loudly, and you retaliate by throwing back a pillow on his head.

“You just don’t get my artistic abilities.”

“I’d get them more if you stayed silent.”

You gasp, faking offense as you stand up to tickle Hyunjin on his chair, he starts squirming immediately, his loud giggles spilling all over the room, coating it in vibrant hues of happiness, and you’re suddenly captivated by the sight of him— his head thrown back, a golden lock framing his laughter-filled eyes, his top lowering slightly to reveal glimpses of his collarbones and the delicate veins that trace enticing paths on his neck.

You pause, your hand hovering over the side of his stomach, as a long-forgotten warmth spreads through your heart, like the first rays of dawn greeting the earth after a long winter night. It doesn’t diffuse quickly through your being, but rather drapes like sticky honey on your veins, making you well aware of your growing blush, of how beautiful Hyunjin is in his joy.

“Never singing to you again,” you clear your throat, laying atop his bed once again, and quickly reaching for your phone, anything to avoid his eyes which rival the crescent moon outside his window.

Hours pass before a warm hand gently settles on your shoulder, rousing you from your slumber. Blinking away the fog of sleep, you find Hyunjin leaning over you, his grin wide and infectious. “Wake up,” he whispers, but you only groan, burying your face deeper into his pillow.

He doesn’t yield, taking hold of your wrist and guiding your drowsy figure upright, before wrapping the blanket snugly around your shoulders. Without a word, he leads you out onto his balcony, carefully putting his neon green beanie on your head to shield you from the cold.

“It’s snowing!” he smiles, and his excited tone manages to dissipate the fog in your mind. You blink repeatedly and soon enough, you too behold the fallen snowflakes, each one resembling a tiny speck of light bidding farewell to the sky to greet the earth.

“You missed the first snow so I didn’t want you to miss this one too,” he explains, and his thoughtfulness blankets you with a warmth that seeps into every crevice in your body, drips down your fingertips and makes the cold of 4 a.m. seem less harsh, less biting to the touch.

You don’t know how to say thank you, because those two words don’t encapsulate the depths of gratitude that you feel for Hyunjin. Because he is speaking to the person within you who still loves snow, the part buried underneath layers of dust from a ground heartbreak. But you still manage to hear him, and you squeeze his hand tightly, and he doesn’t let go until you finally do.

❁ ❁ ❁

Remembering has become easier for you these past two months— both the good and the bad. And each day, the scale tips towards one side or the other. Sometimes you recall the suffocation you felt with him, the feeling that no matter what you did you could never please him, that your hands were crafted to break rather than mend. And on those days your wound grows, it throbs and bleeds different emotions.

Sometimes it's anger— at him for treating your heart so carelessly as if you were a being devoid of feeling. And then at you— for staying, for giving him excuses and desperately searching for goodness within him, for the one redeeming quality that would convince you he was worth the pain.

And other days bring an excruciating sadness along, a weight that presses down upon you until you're paralyzed. Because you feel bad for yourself and for everything you went through. Because you’re unsure how to rise when unseen hands push you deeper into the abyss.

And on these days, Seungmin becomes your anchor. He buys your favorite food, skips classes with you, and takes you to your favorite gardens. He talks and he talks and you try your best to laugh because you do not wish to worry him more. It is enough to be your own burden, you do not wish to burden him too.

But when he drops you home, your facade slips away, the smile fading from your face as if it were never truly yours to wear. You are too tired to pretend so you don’t, and Hyunjin doesn’t let you, either. He brews you tea and orders takeout because he knows you lack the energy for cooking. He goes with you on walks and drapes you in pieces of his clothing— scarves and beanies and gloves because he knows you couldn’t care less about a cold when there is a frost coating your bones. He lets you sit in his room while he works on his songs, and while he paints. Sometimes you talk and often you don't need to. But he’s there. He's there with you.

But you also remember the good. You remember your movie night with the boys, Hyunjin building an entire fort for you, adorned with twinkling lights and the softest blankets. How you watched movies until 5 a.m. your bodies so closely huddled together that there was no room left for sadness.

You recall Hyunjin begging you to build a snowman with him at the crack of dawn, the two of you collapsing in fits of laughter as you threw snowballs at one another, your footsteps marking the fresh fallen snow.

You remember being so exhausted after one of your showers that you simply laid atop the couch, gaze fixed on the void, too drained to even untangle the knots in your hair. Yet, it is not the tiredness that you exactly recall, nor the salty tears you shed underneath the scorching water jet. But it is Hyunjin's tender hands as he brushed through your hair, his fingers tracing the nape of your neck, his knuckles ghosting over the slate of your shoulder. You remember whispering that it was a particularly hard day and Hyunjin understanding. You remember him watching many YouTube tutorials to prepare your favorite seaweed soup, only for it to end up being too salty. But you still ate it all, because he made it for you, to lift your wounded spirits. And that alone was enough for it to taste good.

You remember your heart hardening then softening again, breaking then stitching itself back together, closing off then blooming like flowers on the first day of spring. You remember smiling only to cry then smile again. And you remember liking snow, a bit more than you thought you would. Because Hyunjin was there, holding your trembling hand, steadying it enough for you to rewrite your memories with winter.

So, you want to say thank you.

You do not wish to spell it out, because there are too many things to thank Hyunjin for and too few words to do so. Instead, you drag him to the farmer’s market near your home, and you tell him to help you pick flowers.

“I could be in bed watching my favorite show and yet here I am bestowing you with my enchanting presence,” he sighs, not too modestly, as you both eye the array of colorful blooms.

“Okay, Shakespeare, are you done?” you roll your eyes, attempting your best to hide your grin.

“Done annoying you? Never. These are very pretty,” he adds, pointing to the white roses in full bloom, their delicate petals emitting a sweet fragrance into the air.

“I agree, what else should we add?” you ponder, picking out four roses.

“Mm, Hibiscus? The red in the center is so vibrant,” he suggests, taking out his phone to capture the flower.

“Cute. Baby breath’s would look good too,” you say as you gather the flowers, heading to the cashier with Hyunjin trailing behind, still admiring the delicate blooms.

“Can I write a note?” you ask the middle-aged man as he wraps the bouquet in a powder blue paper.

“Sure,” he replies with a smile, and you return the gesture, quickly jotting down your words.

“Are you done?” Hyunjin grins when you return to his side and you nod, exiting the flower shop.

“What do you think?” you ask, angling the bouquet towards him.

“It's beautiful.”

“It’s yours,” you smile, growing shier at the intensity of his gaze as it lands on you, then the flowers, then on you again. “Take it,” you hand it to him, your cheeks flushing like the hibiscus’s crimson core.

“Actually?” he says softly, his fingers trembling slightly as he accepts the flowers and you nod in response. You bite your lip as you watch him take out the note, his eyes softening once he reads the words inscribed in it— thank you for making my winter less cold.

“Should we go?” you say a tad too cheerfully, turning away, but Hyunjin grabs your wrist, spinning you around once more. His fingers trail up your arm, coming to rest gently on your cheek as he leans down to plant a tender kiss there.

“Thank you,” he murmurs, his lips lingering against your skin for a moment longer than necessary. You think that if his soft lips grace your skin a few times more, your nerve endings might forget the harshness they were subjected to. If his gentle hands remain on your cheeks, then maybe, your heart would heal quicker, better. Maybe your past self that you long for would emerge again, maybe Hyunjin would be able to unearth it.

Your hopeful thoughts disappear as quickly as they arrive, overshadowed by a sense of helplessness that crashes over you, all of the sudden. You sense him before you hear him, the familiar anxiety that is only synonymous with your ex’s presence.

“Yn?” the sound of your name feels harsher in his mouth, the syllables spat out rather than spoken tenderly, as they are when Hyunjin pronounces it. Your veins run cold as his voice pierces the air, your heart skipping three beats at once before plummeting to your knees. You wrap your hand around Hyunjin’s forearm instinctively, and he looks down at you, his expression morphing into one of concern.

You’re unsure of what he sees in you— whether it is your pale face, the quiver of your lower lip, or the fear that has coated all your features— but his eyes harden, his brows furrowing as he gazes at the man behind you.

You refuse to turn around, bracing yourself for his next words. “Yn,” he repeats his tone laced with anger, his fingertips grazing your arm as if intending to force you to face him. But before he can touch you, Hyunjin intervenes, swiftly stepping in between you and your ex, shielding you with his own body protectively.

“Leave,” Hyunjin's voice is cold, dripping with a venomous edge you've never heard from him before, his jaw clenching with barely contained fury.

“Is this your new shiny toy, Yn?” your ex taunts and his voice cuts through your being against your will, triggering a flood of memories you've tried so desperately to suppress. Memories of his cruelty, his manipulation, and the pain he inflicted upon you—using your love as a weapon to bolster his own ego.

“What's in it for you?” you find your voice again, though it trembles when you speak. He is the very embodiment of your pain and everything you loathe about yourself. You wish for the ground to swallow you whole, for a bolt of lightning to strike the earth, anything to spare you from facing him.

“It's only been three months, I didn't know you were a whore.”

Hyunjin's fist connects with his cheek before you can register his words. It all unfolds so rapidly that you barely have time to comprehend it. Your ex staggers back, blood trickling from the cut on his lip, while Hyunjin stands before you, his chest heaving with restrained anger, his right hand clenched into a fist, the bouquet still held tightly in the other.

“Fine, I deserved it,” your ex chuckles, his voice laced with mockery as he wipes the blood from his lip. His gaze meets yours briefly behind Hyunjin's back.

“You might not be a whore but you are unlovable, keep that in mind.” He spits out before walking away, crude words that tear at every scab covering your wounds, reopening them with a brutal force. Hyunjin moves to follow him, but you grab his shirt, pulling him back.

“He’s not worth it,” you murmur.

Your words seem to snap Hyunjin out of his haze as he turns to look at you, worry cast across his figure. He moves to cradle your cheeks but you step back, refusing to meet his eyes. He swallows thickly, clutching the bouquet in his hands. “Are you okay?”

You let out a heavy sigh, your shoulders slumping as you shake your head slightly. “Let's just go home,” you whisper, eyes fleeting to his for a split second. All the lights in your gaze are muted.

You’re crumbling before him once again and he cannot stop it, no matter how much he yearns to.

It's long past midnight when you find yourself seated on the floor of your living room, a bottle of red wine placed between you and Hyunjin. You exchange it wordlessly, taking turns sipping from it, the alcohol warming your insides but doing little to ease the ache in your heart. You don’t exactly recall when Hyunjin sat next to you, but you don’t mind. You were too lost in your own thoughts to even register his presence.

“Yn,” he calls out softly and you hum absentmindedly, memories of when your ex spoke your name haunting you, each time he yelled your name, uttered it in disdain as if it was the starting point of everything wrong with you.

“Talk to me, please?” he pleads, angling his body towards your own. But you refuse to meet his eyes and Hyunjin’s heart twists in his chest. He is afraid of all the ugly thoughts that must roam your mind. He wishes he could enter it, open the windows wide, and usher the light in.

“I'm sorry you were dragged into this,” you say, your gaze fixated on the bouquet placed atop the table. The crimson painted on the hibiscus’ petals reminds you of the blood that spilled from your ex’s mouth, and your gaze fleets to Hyunjin's hand, slightly bruised from the punch.

“Don’t apologize,” he whispers, “there is nothing to be sorry for.”

It’s as though you don’t hear him, your fingers trailing gently across his scraped knuckles, tears pooling in your eyes the more you stare at his hand.

“Does it hurt?” you ask, voice thick with emotion, and Hyunjin’s quick to shake his head. “No, don’t worry about it. He deserved it.”

“You didn’t deserve to be hurt.”

“Neither did you.”

Your disbelieving scoff that follows scares him. What if you’re slipping away into a dark place yet again, one void and barricaded, in which the only sound that echoes is your ex’s hurtful words? What if he can’t reach you again?

“If the only person I’ve ever loved says I’m unlovable then maybe I am.”

You’re drunk, you wouldn’t have said such an ugly thing otherwise, wouldn’t have allowed this sentiment to materialize into the air, to take a tangible form apart from your abstract thoughts.

“No,” Hyunjin says in a panic as though he’s trying to quickly pull the brakes on your free-railing thoughts. He cups your face between his palms, your tears falling freely atop his hands but he does not move away.

“No,” he repeats, more calmly this time. “How he treated you is a reflection of who he is. And how you see him is a reflection of who you are. And you wanted him to be loving because you’re full of love. You wanted him to be good because you are a good person. And he can’t stomach that, can’t stomach that you are happy without him so he’s trying to ruin you again.”

“Hyunjin…” you shake your head but he only inches closer to you, his thumbs gently caressing your cheekbones. “No, listen to me. Seungmin loves you so much he couldn’t eat properly for the first few days you stayed here, texted me all the time asking me how you were and if you were feeling better. He isn't good with words so instead he tries to make you laugh. He wishes he could give up parts of his happiness for you.”

A sob swells within you but Hyunjin presses on. “And Minho, he tried to memorize all your favorite recipes so he could cook them for you. It isn’t a coincidence that every time we go over to their dorm it is your favorite food that we eat. He takes more pictures of his cats these days so he could send them to you because he knows it cheers you up.”

“You told me Changbin doesn’t know you well enough to fight for you but when we saw your ex across the campus one day he wanted to get up and beat him. He always asks me if you are well and if there is something he can do for you, anything.”

He inhales deeply, tears welling up in his eyes as well. “And me…” a tender smile graces his lips as he gazes at you, “you make this house a home. I feel like my true self when you are around and loneliness doesn’t come to me as often as it did. Because you are here. You are like a beam of sunlight that lightens up every life you touch, mine first,” he’s baring his soul to you, vulnerable yet resolute. “So tell me, Yn, what’s not to love in you when you yourself are so full of love?”

“Hyune,” you speak the nickname for the first time, and Hyunjin’s heart thrashes achingly around his ribcage. “If you keep talking like this I might end up loving you,” you smile sadly at him as if it is a terrible thing to be loved by you.

“But I don’t want to love you, because I won’t know how to, not anymore. So I'll end up leaving. And I'll long for you, and I don't think I can stomach longing for you from afar.”

“So please,” you place one hand atop his own, wipe away the lone tear rolling down his cheek. “Don’t make me love you, hm? You deserve more than to be loved by someone like me.”

You leave Hyunjin in the living room, alone before the white flowers you gifted him. He doesn’t want to put them away in a vase, for as soon as he grabbed them from your hold, everything around you both crumbled. So he leaves them there for the night, the creamy white petals aglow underneath the moonlight. He spends the night painting the bouquet from memory, but the petals end up too tinged with red, perhaps mirroring the blood his heart refuses to stop spilling still.

He did not realize it before, maybe he blinded himself so he wouldn’t see what was before him all along. But it is all the clearer to him now— that in his attempts to make you love winter again, Hyunjin only ended up loving you.

A week later.

hyune [1:25 a.m.]: i miss you

You and Hyunjin spent the last seven days avoiding one another, well you more than him. He just understood your silent plea when you took a step back the one time he tried to talk to you in the kitchen, swallowing thickly before inching away, allowing you to move past him.

You did not know how to face him after what he said, partly because you were embarrassed by your own response, mostly because even in your drunken daze, his words etched themselves permanently into your memory.

It is his reassuring words that echoed in your brain for the past week, not those of your ex.

hyune [1: 26 a.m.]: and i miss sleeping on the couch

You giggle, shaking your head before replying.

yn [1:26 a.m.]: no you don’t

hyune [1:26 a.m.]: no i don’t ㅠㅠ

but i finished the song

wanna hear?

Walking to Hyunjin’s room feels as familiar as going into your own. And when your gaze finally meets his you can’t help but break into a relieved smile. It was foolish of you to punish yourself, enough people have done that for you already.

“Hey,” he greets tentatively, and you respond with an awkward wave, a moment pregnant with anticipation passes before both of you dissolve into laughter.

“What is this? Are we in middle school,” he teases and you giggle, settling comfortably on his bed once more.

“I know. We are so lame.”

“You are,” he corrects with a grin and you gasp, pretending to leave but he quickly catches your hand, stopping you. “No, please stay. I meant it when I said that I missed you,” he repeats quietly, as if afraid that his confession would make you run away once again.

Your heart aches, the knots in your stomach tightening and unraveling all at once. “I missed you too,” you admit softly, and he smiles, his thumb tracing a gentle path above your pulse before releasing your hand.

“So it's done then?” you ask and he nods, running a hand through his hair with a hint of anxiety. “How do you feel about it?”

“Good. I hope you’ll like it, mostly.”

“I'm sure I will,” you reassure him with a soft smile, and he nods once more, pressing a few buttons before his melodious whistles fill the air once again.

Nothing could have braced you for the sound of Hyunjin's voice that followed, its timbre soft as silk yet imbued with profound sorrow. It's as though he recorded the song on one of his loneliest nights, his honeyed vocals dipped in an excruciating nostalgia that seeps into every corner of the room, every corner of your heart.

In the faded photo, I come across a smile spread across a youthful face, overlapped with the seasons.

Your gaze flickers to Hyunjin as a shadow of recollection dawns on you. You remember telling him that you couldn’t stomach looking at pics of your past, ones in which you smiled so freely because you were blissfully unaware of what was to come.

The night’s so cold that it’s almost unreal.

Because you weren’t aware of the winter that will follow and the biting cold that it would bear, for everything that will go astray in your relationship, for your ex's facade to crack like a glacier succumbing to the pressure of lies and pretense.

I wake up in another silence, and I close my eyes.

You remember Hyunjin confessing that silence haunted him more than words ever could, and you had agreed, sharing how sometimes you shut your eyes, pretending that the reality you woke up to wasn't the one you were living.

The white flower we planted together has bloomed. I do not dare pick it. Now it withers away.

You gaze at the white flowers you brought him, now wilted in the vase placed on his desk, yet Hyunjin refuses to throw them still. You see the card you wrote for him hung on the wall, right next to the dried red rose. He kept it. Though it withered, he kept it all.

So I long for you. And I long for you. And I'll long for you.

You remember the longing you both spoke of, how he understood a feeling you felt so incredibly alone in. How he tried to reassure you when he too was caught in the webs of the past. How you longed for him in the past week. How you wished he longed for you just the same.

So I can keep loving you. So I could be loving you. And morе.

The violin swells and so does the emotion in your chest. You remember him asking you ‘What’s not to love in you’ and how you've spun those words in your thoughts ever since. You remember thinking that if he gave you a few more weeks, just a bit more time, you might have found it in you to believe them.

You see Hyunjin’s glimmering eyes holding yours, you see his heart atop a platter handed to you, and you see the resignation in his being. Don’t make me love you, you told him. You didn’t dare to tell him not to love you in return, deemed it too foolish of thought to entertain.

For he was Hwang Hyunjin, the quiet producer who paints in his free time and who wears his heart on his sleeve. Who remains hopeful, loving, and tender, despite the thorns pricking at his side. Who is beautiful, so much so that he allowed you to see beauty in the universe once again, through his eyes.

How could he love you?

How could you not love him?

“The song,” you whisper, the words barely escaping your lips as you stand, trembling, on your feet. Hyunjin rises too, meeting you in the center of his room.

“It is about you. For you,” he says simply as if his words don’t cause your world to burst at the seams only to mend itself once again, too eager to fix itself and exist in the same timeline as Hyunjin.

“I don't… I don’t know what to say,” you say earnestly, feeling your heart pound in your chest, its beats resounding loudly in your ears.

It is wrong of you to assume he wishes you to say something. He is Hyunjin, the one who finds words in your silences too, after all.

“I don’t need you to say anything,” he shakes his head, taking another step closer to you. “I don't want an answer, I don't wish to pressure you. I just wanted to tell you that my love is here, it is yours to take or to leave, to cherish or to discard. But it is yours, because this is who I am. I am someone who loves you.”

“So do not tell me to forget you because I don't know how to. And don’t tell me that you’ll leave because I will love you still, because you’d still be you, near or far, you are you. And you are someone I long for.” He pauses, his voice softening. “And I long for you, Yn, more than anything I've ever longed for. And I've spent all my life longing.”

His lips meet your forehead tenderly, and you feel your entire being grow limp at the chaste kiss, as if your limbs wish to liquefy and form a puddle on the floor. His touch is soft, and you miss it the moment he parts from you.

“There must be something in this room that keeps on making you cry,” he smiles and you bring your hands to your damp cheeks, surprised to find there tears you didn’t realize had fallen.

“It’s you,” you pinch his arm playfully and he squirms away from your hold, stabbing his toe on the desk in the process. A loud fuck echoes around the room, and your laughter dissipates the tension clinging into the air.

“Can you play it again?” you request softly and Hyunjin’s theatrics fade as a shy smile tugs at the corner of his lips.

“Is it good?”

“It's everything to me.”

“It's called ‘long for you’, by the way.”

“Long for you,” you repeat quietly. There has never been a prettier combination of words.

The title all but makes sense as you lay on the bed, your gaze fixed on the paintings hung on the wall, Hyunjin sketching quietly on his desk, the song resonating softly in the background. You've longed for many things in your life—the person you once were and the tender love you once craved—but amidst it all, nothing has weighed heavier on your heart than the longing for the man sitting just two meters away, almost in your loving grasp. Almost.

❁ ❁ ❁

It is an excruciating five days that Hyunjin spends apart from you, the both of you too caught up in your assignments to find a moment to properly speak. But you do not shy away from him when he greets you, and your grin is kind as it drapes across his being, and Hyunjin swears he has never seen a prettier sight than you smiling.

On the sixth night, Hyunjin completes the cover for the song— a figure wrapped around itself protectively, mirroring the way you hug yourself in your sleep. He hangs it on the wall, right next to your thank you card and the white bouquet he drew once again, wishing to properly immortalize its beautiful flowers, to purify that memory from the tumult that followed it.

On the sixth night, the house is quiet, the full moon high up in the sky, snowflakes falling softly to the ground. Hyunjin wonders if you too mimicked the snow’s descent— both of you falling apart with it.

But then, there’s a knock on his door.

His heart catches in his throat, his body freezing as if it forgot how to move. You are here.

“Come in,” he manages to say, his voice barely above a whisper. You push the door open, and Hyunjin's words wilt on his tongue as he sees what you're carrying—another bouquet, filled with white flowers, yet again.

“Hey,” you smile, standing by the door.

He remains silent, unsure of what to say, or how to speak. He longs for you when you are away, even more so when you’re before him.

“We shouldn't let these white flowers wither away too, right?” you smile slightly, placing the bouquet on the desk before walking to Hyunjin’s bedside. His voice falters, vocal cords refusing to move and overshadow your voice.

You sit beside him, gently pulling his hand so that you’d both lie on the pillows. Your hand doesn’t leave his own, instead, it moves to rest on his cheek, reminiscent of the many times he had cradled your face before. Inch by inch, you close the gap between you, nuzzle the tip of your nose against his own. “Hi, Hyune”, you say softly, and he swallows thickly, his voice coming out just as quietly.

“Hi, my Yn.”

“If we take care of the white flowers together do you think they’ll survive a bit longer?” you ask, your gaze never wavering from his, countless stars twinkling in the depths of your irises.

“I believe so,” he says tentatively, too aware of the warmth of your palm against his skin, of the sweet ache unfurling within his being.

“Mm, and even if they wilt we can always buy new ones. We can learn how to care for them better, with time,” you say, and he nods in agreement, laying his hand atop your own, tilting his head to bestow a chaste kiss on your palm.

“With time,” he echoes softly and you smile, vulnerable yet secure in his gray sheets, in his hold.

“Will you give me time too?” you ask, and Hyunjin reads in your eyes what you mean, understands in the shake of your voice the question you are too afraid to voice. Will he give you time to heal in order to love?

“As long as you need. I’m not going anywhere,” he reassures, pressing his forehead gently atop yours, and you both close your eyes, as a running warmth encloses you both, blooms a blush on both your cheeks.

His arms wrap around your back, drawing you close until your chests are pressed together, your head resting naturally in the curve of his neck. And it is long forgotten in your mind, all the nights you slept in this very bed alone. You feel safe, safe enough to long for love knowing that it patiently awaits you behind the door, once you find enough courage to turn the doorknob. You feel serene, as Hyunjin’s warm palms glide soothingly up and down your spine, as every muscle, every nerve, every atom in your being relaxes in his hold.

You are healing, slowly, with each fleeting second that passes in which Hyunjin’s heartbeat resounds within your chest, as its melody runs through your veins, melds with your own as if it was destined to be there all along. As you rest in Hyunjin, as you find a safe home within his soul to discard your worries at the doorstep and breathe.

“It did get better,” you whisper, pressing a kiss to his shoulder blade. “Hm?” He leans back to look at you, and he’s so beautiful, so tender as he gazes at you, you can’t help but trace the contours of his face with your fingers, hoping to commemorate him with your eyes, with your touch.

“You promised me it’ll get better, and it did,” you smile, as your legs further intertwine with his, and his rose perfume becomes an indelible mark on your skin. “Too bad I can't hit your pretty face now,” you joke and he giggles, tipping his head back.

He's so beautiful, body and soul, and he longs for you, you alone.

“But I can still do this,” you murmur before finally pressing your lips against his like a boat finally reaching the shore after months of sailing. You both exhale, in yearning, in relief, as your mouths move together in a slow, languid dance, his hand finding the pulse on your neck, yours settling atop his jaw.

He would kiss you again, this intimately, in the coming months, when your heart expands enough to contain the love Hyunjin deserves. He would kiss you again, when your past comes to haunt you, and healing sounds like an elusive myth you’d never encounter in your life.

And he would kiss you again, over the kitchen table and under the fridge’s light, in between paintings and in supermarket aisles, while picking flowers and watching the first snow.

He would kiss you, this tenderly, in the next winter, and the ones after it, as if his longing for you never wanes. Till blow three disappears from your memory, till all you remember is the love, the true one, the kind one, the soft one Hyunjin alone could have brought you.

---

ok I'm back while in the middle of rewatching S2 HAHEHQJWYSJ WHY AM I SO INTO THIS BYE⁉️

Anyway, let me just get this straight.. the faces are what mainly confuses me, so.. Go Younjung is Cho‐yeong/Mu‐deok, while Jung Somin is Jin Buyeon/Naksu ??? 😭😭😭 (these are the actresses of the two characs btw, the answers to these will probably help me a lot in S2 more since "Naksu's" face was now used for Jin Buyeon

Alchemy of Souls: Naksu's Memories of Her Father Being Killed Were Actually Mu Deok's Memories

Memories can be distorted in a variety of ways. They can also be used by someone like Jin Mu to carry out his nefarious plans.

So let's start with the story of two little girls, Mu Deok and Jin Bu Yeon whose souls were swapped by evil Jin Mu when they were children.

Mu Deok's Memories

Since you all wanted to know Mu Deok's backstory. Here it is! And no she's not Jin Bu Yeon.

Mu Deok was the constellation mage's daughter. One night, her maid found her and hid her in the a shed and told her to stay away from her father. She witnessed her father change into a soul shifter. Following this, she saw the four families kill her father. She was alone and scared, but a nice man approached her. His face looked kind so she decided to grab his hand and follow him.

Mu Deok lived in a shack by herself in Danhyaggot for years until one day the man with the nice face brought her a blind friend. The next thing she remembered she woke up and she couldn't see anymore. She was confused and didn't know where she was. When she asked around, people told her she was in Sari Village. She couldn't find the man with the nice face because she was blind now.

Later on, someone mentioned to her that her blindfold had the Jin family crest on it. She had remember that name. They were one of the four families that killed her dad. She thought it would be best to stay far away from these four families because they were scary (or Jin Mu fed Mu Deok some sort of lie that made her stay away). In the meantime, she decided to use the blindfold with the family crest to earn a living.

There you go folks. That is Mu Deok's story. This how Mu Deok was used in Jin Mu's plan. As sad as it may be, her soul was nothing special. You see if Mu Deok was Jin Bu Yeon, she would've have asked around for someone to take her back to the Jin family residence. People would've noticed the Jin family crest and be willing to help her because they knew the Jin's would've paid a nice reward for whoever returned their daughter. Except she didn't. She stayed away. This meant Mu Deok's soul was stuck in another person's body (Jin Bu Yeon's body).

Jin Bu Yeon/Naksu's Memories

What Jin Mu did to Jin Bu Yeon was much worse than what he did to Mu Deok. Jin Mu used Mu Deok's story to brainwash Jin Bu Yeon. He convinced Jin Bu Yeon she had a father who was a constellation mage and he was killed by the four families for no good reason. Jin Mu gave Jin Bu Yeon enough information to believe it was true, but left out important parts (i.e father was a soul shifter) so he could use her to carry out his evil plans (i.e killing the four families).

[Side note: Jin Mu either brainwashed Jin Bu Yeon or she developed amnesia after she fell off the boat.]

Jin Mu (or Fake Queen Choi) gave Jin Bu Yeon a new body/face so that no one could recognize her from the outside (i.e soul swap with Mu Deok). The last step to transform Jin Bu Yeon into the best assassin was to give her a new name and identity. This name was Naksu, the shadow assassin who made mages' head roll.

What Jin Mu did not account for is that Jin Bu Yeon/Naksu would cast the Alchemy of Souls spell the 2nd time thereby returning her to her original body.

How Jin Mu Ensured His Identity Remained a Secret

Out of the two girls (Jin Bu Yeon and Mu Deok), Mu Deok was the only one who saw Jin Mu's face. She was also the only one that saw her father turn into a soul shifter. Given this, Jin Mu had to make sure she would never recognize him or be able to find him. He accomplished this by swapping Mu Deok's soul into a blind girl's body (Jin Bu Yeon's body). This guaranteed that Mu Deok would never be able to find him because she couldn't see anymore.

On the other hand, Jin Bu Yeon/Naksu didn't know what Jin Mu looked like before the swap because she was blind. After he swapped Jin Bu Yeon/Naksu's soul into Mu Deok's body, he wore a black cloak when he was around her. He made sure she would never know what he looked like.

How Jin Mu's Lies Started to Be Uncovered

Despite Jin Mu's best effort to prevent Jin Bu Yeon/Naksu from finding out what he looked like, she eventually did. After Jin Bu Yeon/Naksu swapped back to her original body, she saw Gil Joo at the bidding house. Jin Bu Yeon/Naksu had recognized Gil Joo and followed him and this is how she discovered what Jin Mu looked like. Recall that Mu Deok was the only one who had seen Jin Mu's face when she was a child. Jin Bu Yeon/Naksu never saw Jin Mu's face.

In Ep 8, Gil Joo once again helped revealed more of Jin Mu's lies to Jin Bu Yeon/Naksu. Gil Joo had told her that her "father" was a soul shifter. This piece of information was something Jin Mu left out on purpose during Jin Bu Yeon's brainwashing story time. Remember that Mu Deok was the only one who saw her father turn into a soul shifter. Had Jin Bu Yeon/Naksu really been Mu Deok, she would've already known this fact since she saw it with her eyes and therefore would not be surprised.

Kei’s phone buzzed as he flopped onto his bed, burying his face in the pillow before flipping over to check his notifications. No texts from Yn. Again.

It had been three days, three painfully long days since he last saw her. She’d gone on a work trip, and despite the constant messaging, Kei felt like he was starving. Starving for her voice. Her face. Her dumb little expressions when she talked too fast and got flustered.

He opened their chat.

Kei: Send me a pic.

Kei: I wanna see you.

Kei: I miss you.

He stared at the screen, waiting. Three dots appeared. Then disappeared. Then appeared again. His heart thudded like a complete idiot’s because, wow, she really had him wrapped around her finger.

Finally, her message popped up.

Yn: Miss you too, Kei. But I look gross rn 😭

He scoffed and typed furiously.

Kei: Not possible.

Kei: I’ll take whatever I can get. Even if you look gross.

Yn: So mean 😭

He rolled his eyes.

Kei: I’m serious, Yn.

Kei: It’s been 3 days. I’m dying.

Kei: Save me.

The little typing bubble returned, and then—finally—a photo.

It was blurry. Yn was in bed, bundled up in a blanket, hair sticking out in random directions. Her expression was half-asleep but warm, and Kei felt his entire body relax just seeing her.

Kei: Holy shit, you’re cute.

Yn: Don’t lie.

Kei: Not lying. Send another one.

Yn: No, you’ll get sick of my face.

Kei sat up, frowning.

Kei: I’ve literally spent the last 72 hours wishing I could teleport to you.

Kei: You think I’d get sick of your face?

Yn: Maybe 🥺

Kei: You’re insane.

Kei: And pretty.

Another photo came in, this time clearer. Yn was pouting at the camera, lips pursed in mock annoyance, and Kei actually laughed out loud.

Kei: I’m setting this as my lock screen.

Yn: You wouldn’t.

Kei: I would.

She sent him an eye-roll emoji, but Kei could imagine her smiling while typing it. He felt warm, even though the room was cold.

Kei: When do you get back?

Yn: Tomorrow night.

Kei: That’s too far.

Yn: It’s literally tomorrow.

Kei: Still too far.

She sent him a string of laughing emojis before pausing.

Yn: You’re being really soft today.

Kei: Shut up.

Yn: I like it.

Kei: Good. Don’t tell anyone.

Yn: Too late. I’m telling everyone you’re whipped.

Kei groaned and fell back onto the pillows, but his lips twitched.

Kei: I don’t care. Just come home already.

Yn: I’ll be home soon.

Kei: Not soon enough.

He stared at her last text for a while before setting his phone down, the tiniest smile tugging at his lips. Tomorrow couldn’t come fast enough.

---

I'm definitely not affection deprived

... 😭

My Baby - Yeonjun

warnings - gn reader, some angst, fluff, hurt/comfort, f l u f f, written in 25 mins or smth

w/c - something under 0.5k idk

~

A warm tear escapes from your eye, trickling down your cheek and landing on your linen pillowcase. The wet patch stains the sage green colour of your bedding a dark juniper. Bringing the pillow you’re clutching to your chest with you, you roll over so the soggy area stops sticking to your face.

There are no words to describe the horrible feeling in the pit of your stomach right now. Your loneliness is truly swallowing you whole. Of course, this is no fault of his, but your boyfriend is extremely busy recently. It’s impacting you both ; you are both the type to need constant affection and attention from your loved one most of the time, so when the loneliness hits, it hits bad. And right now, as Yeonjun is at the practice room extremely late once again, it is certainly hitting.

Just as you’re about to drift off into a heavy-hearted slumber, you hear your bedroom door creak open. With a little sniffle, you move to prop yourself up on your elbows.

“Junnie?”

Keep reading

literally sobbing rn

Love Lessons

Genre: husband!Chan, angst, fluff

Warnings: self hatred (Chan)

Request: no

Characters: Chan, Y/N

Word Count: 1.8k

"I wish I looked like him."

Bewildered, Y/N turned to look at her husband. Chan was looking at the TV a little wistfully, a sad smile on his lips as he studied the actor depicted on the screen.

"He's so handsome … " Chan continued with a sigh, and he leaned back into the sofa in slow defeat. "And have you seen his body? He's so … big."

Y/N blinked. She moved fully so her body was facing his, and she reached out to take his surprised face in her hands. "Well, I'm very glad you don't look like him. I'm attracted to you, not him."

Chan was confused. "Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why are you attracted to me … ?" Chan's voice came out in a whisper; it wavered and cracked towards the end, and Y/N bit her lip.

She had a feeling it was one of those days. One of those days where her husband hated himself more than anything. One of those days where her heart broke over and over again in her attempts at trying to get him to see what she could see.

But she'd never stop trying. Not until he could finally learn to love himself even a fraction of how much she loved him.

"Because you're beautiful," Y/N smiled, caressing his cheeks. "And I love you very much."

Chan frowned. He didn't seem convinced; but then again, he never did. "But … I'm ugly."

Y/N considered saying "no, you're not" or "don't say that" … but something in the back of her mind told her not to. She decided to try a different approach, one that hurt her a little more than she wanted to admit.

"Okay," Y/N nodded softly. "Let's say you are ugly."

Chan was taken aback; his eyes widened as he stared at his wife.

Y/N smiled gently. "If you're ugly, does that mean you deserve less love than anyone else?"

Her question hit him harder than he thought it would. He blinked slowly, and he began to shake his head.

"No," Y/N murmured as she shook her own head along with him. "It doesn't. Do you remember what you used to tell your fans all those years ago?"

Chan bit his lip.

"'It doesn't matter where you're from, it doesn't matter what country you're in'," Y/N quoted as Chan's eyes began to glisten rather brightly. "'You deserve love. It doesn't matter what you are, what you chose to be, you deserve love,'."

At that, Chan couldn't help the tears that began to drop down his cheeks. Smiling up at him with her eyes full of love, Y/N wiped the tears away with her thumbs as she pulled him a little closer to her.

"I know it wasn't exactly about looks," Y/N said. "But I know for a fact that if someone was hating themselves back then because they thought they were ugly, you'd have immediately told them they deserved to be loved."

Looking down at his lap, Chan shut his eyes tightly. He hadn't expected this; he had no idea his musings would result in his wife's words bringing the tears out of him.

"Why are you any different, hmm?" Y/N gently caressed the nape of his neck; his hair had begun to curl up there, and it was soft, so incredibly soft that Y/N couldn't help but feel sad. She didn't understand why her husband hated himself when there were parts of him that were so dear to her, that she had no idea what she'd do without them.

"Who are you to not love yourself?"

At that, Chan spluttered; the hems of his shorts had ridden up his thighs, and they now glistened as fat tears splashed onto his skin like sad fireworks.

Y/N let him cry; she rubbed his back and kissed his hands until he was finished. When he looked up at her with red eyes, she almost felt her heart physically shattering into smithereens like glass.

There was so much pain and self loathing painted in his eyes … the eyes that felt like home to her, the eyes that calmed the depths of her anxious soul on the most terrifying of nights. She was shocked that such beautiful galaxies could hold such hatred; hatred that was directed at himself.

She found it terrifying yet beautiful that the eyes that looked at her with such love were the same as these ones; hard, cold, and full of pain.

"Okay," she whispered, reaching out to slip her fingers onto his again. "Okay. Let's go through this. What is it exactly that you think is ugly about you, baby?"

"Everything," Chan whispered. "Everything."

"Everything is a very big word, my darling," Y/N smiled. "I don't think even you hate everything about yourself."

She knew him well; the corners of his lips lifted ever so slightly, and she couldn't help but inwardly smile even bigger.

"Okay, let's try this instead … you love me, right?"

It was remarkable; Chan's eyes immediately softened at the question, the sparkle that was so familiar to Y/N appearing in his pupils.

"Very much," Chan hummed.

"What is it that you love about me?" Y/N asked.

Chan smiled. "Everything."

At that, Y/N couldn't help but giggle. She leaned forward and kissed the man on his cheek. It was wet and fever hot, and she wiped the traces of tears away with her fingers again.

"Well … you believe in soulmates, don't you?"

He had no idea where this was going, but he nodded; he had said countless times since meeting her that he felt as though their souls were extensions of one another.

"If we're soulmates, then that would mean we share bits of each other, right?" Y/N asked.

Chan pondered this. He nodded slowly.

"If bits of you are in me, and bits of me are in you … " Y/N whispered, running her fingers over the backs of her husband's hands. "If you hate yourself, wouldn't that mean you're also hating bits of me?"

Chan's eyes suddenly widened. He seemed at a loss for words; he had no idea if what she was saying was scientifically correct or not, but he suddenly didn't care. The thought of him hating her, indirectly or not, was too much for him to bear.

His eyes suddenly flooded with tears all over again.

"Baby … " Chan whispered, dropping his face into his hands. Tears spilled through the gaps in his fingers as his body shook in front of his wife.

"Do you know one of the reasons why I began to love myself?" Y/N continued.

Chan shook his head.

"I started seeing pieces of you in me. The more time we spent together, the more I fell in love with you … I realised we were so much more similar than I thought was possible. And I thought … how on earth am I supposed to hate myself when so much of me is like you?"

"Y/N … " Chan was crying loudly now; his face contorted with pain as he gulped, his entire body shuddering. He didn't know what was going through his mind … all he knew was that he had never loved anyone as much as he loved the woman in front of him.

Before he could talk himself out of it, Chan pulled Y/N into him; he closed his lips over hers in a warm kiss, one that made Y/N's own eyes prickle with emotion as she shut them. She kissed him back, her lips gently caressing his. She was telling him something that no amount of words could ever say, and fresh tears spilled down his cheeks, and onto hers.

Y/N sniffed as she kissed her husband. She suddenly remembered reading about how people who didn’t love themselves couldn't love others; she couldn't help but feel that that was wrong. She had never felt as loved by anyone as she had by her husband. He loved her fiercely, passionately, so much so that sometimes she forgot he was even capable of hating in the first place.

She knew that people said it was impossible to love a broken person. She didn't think that was true. Difficult, perhaps.

But never impossible.

"You're beautiful to me," Y/N whispered now as she cupped his cheeks. "You're always going to be beautiful to me."

Chan nodded against her; her earlier words had flooded through him like a shock wave, and he suddenly felt incredibly guilty towards himself.

I was something he had never experienced before. He didn't quite know what to make of it.

"Whether you're ugly or you're not," Y/N said, her face breaking into a smile as she nudged her husband playfully. "Which you're not. But ugly or not, your body works so hard for you everyday. It does its best for you so you can eat and so you can walk and so you can talk and just … be alive. Don't you think it deserves a little bit of love for that?"

"Yeah … " Chan hiccuped. He leaned forward and Y/N immediately scooped him up into her arms. She held him tightly, gently rocking him as he cried into her shirt with an urgency that made her feel as though hundreds of little needles were piercing through her heart.

"I know you're always dissatisfied with your body and the way you look … " Y/N whispered against his shoulder. "But no matter how much your body changes, you're always going to be dissatisfied if you don't truly love yourself. You could be the strongest man in the world … but if you hate yourself, you'd still find a reason to be unhappy about your appearance."

Chan knew she was right. She always was. She knew him better than he knew himself - she seems to have somehow crawled into the depths of his mind and addressed the thought that constantly berated him throughout the day.

He knew he'd never be satisfied with the way he looked. He also knew there was only one way to go about fixing that.

Perhaps it was time he actually tried.

"You're right," he whispered, sniffing as he rubbed his cheek against Y/N's neck. "I know you're right. You're always right."

"This isn't about me being right, baby," Y/N smiled as she kissed his cheek. "I just want you to be happy in your own skin. I can't make you happy … but I can hold your hand and be right here while you do it for yourself, you know?"

Chab nodded. He nodded hard, and when he pulled away from his wife again, his face began to glow with a small smile.

"Aw, look at that," Y/N laughed quietly as she kissed his smile. "You're the most beautiful man I have ever seen."

He flushed; his nose turned pink and instead of denying the compliment like he usually would, he grinned.

"Thank you?"

---

Tag list ~ @koos-euphoria @raethethey @hugs4chan @hotmesshapa @manonblackbeak-trash @hendsernoodle @stanskzseungmin @ateez-babygirl @dalamjisung @dinosdawn @cookiemonstermusic258 @strwbrryfroyo @gazelle-des-pres @qtieskz @stigmvta @necromancersupreme @super-btstrash-posts @changlix-mp4 @exonations @changboobies @jeyelleohe @rae-blogging @planetdemon @dani41 @jumbocircus @octalalica @velvetand-roses @foivetimesacharm @anaaam @waverzzzzzzzz @peachy-flxwr @elizabeth11moreno @lenfilms @xhazmania @starshine-moon @justoutfromdead @snow-pegasus @lixiesbabyhands @bbychannie97 @laylasbunbunny @americanokisses @bluechans @bellamuerte1987 @meowmeowisdaname @chanssmiles @minunivers @septicrebel @bangchans-angel @spacegirlstuff @sstarryoong (let me know if you wanna be added or removed)

OFF MY FACE ( in love with you ) ⋆ lee heeseung

pairing : basketballer! heeseung x fem! reader

genre : strangers to lovers, romance, comedy if you squint, she fell first he fell harder, love at first kiss, literally no angst no problems they are in love with each other

synopsis : he’s talented, he’s smooth, he’s funny, he’s the popular basketball captain lee heeseung! when you find yourself saving him from a predicament, you muster up the courage to ask this long time crush of yours for a kiss in return. his mind tells him it’s just another kiss given, but why does his heart keep accelerating at the thought of you?

warnings : cursing, kys joke, mutual pining, sickening love that leaves singles ( me ) crying for one chance, heeseung comes so dangerously close you might faint imagining it, slight jealousy, suggestive? descriptions of making out, heeseung kisses another girl like twice ( booooo ), cucumbers

word count : 7.7k ( i have absolutely no vocab left in my head )

nella’s notes : long fics are so hard to write i am not fit for this?! kudos to those amazing amazing writers because how… again, not my best ( I’m past my peak ) so please please please give me feedback. i will read it when i stop being such a coward and face the fact that this is extremely mid.

for astrid : thank you so sososososo much for constantly hyping me up and cheering me on during the writing process. you were the first person i ever gave a spoiler to and you really make me feel like i’m floating whenever you say that you can’t wait for this very fic to come out ( i hope it lives up to at least half your standards )❤️‍🔥😻‼️

for rim : thank you cat woman, george, the cavity to my toothpaste for beta reading and helping me improve the flow of the whole fic ++ dealing with my dramatic ass cause told you not to text one too many times😈🕺🤨 this is the middest thing i’ve ever churned out but you actually read it so you’re literally on top☝️

important

part one of hylfab series :: series masterlist

LOVE is crazy and unpredictable, like the storm that comes after a sunny day. It washes you, drenching your whole body and soul in it. And some people decide to run, seeking for shelter desperately while others decide to dance in the shower of nature, accepting the love the earth blesses them with. But you, you were the type who waited for it with anticipation, crazily in love with the thought of love.

You feel a drop and then another. A kiss. A kiss. And then another kiss.

i. when your grassy lips touch mine

“With seconds left on the clock, Decelis’ Captain Lee Heeseung looks determined to score a tiebreaker, he’s driving towards the basket, and with a layup he-” You watch the boy whizz through the court, light on his feet as he dodges everyone in his way.

The way he moves is magnetic, you think, and he jumps easily tossing the ball into the basket.

“Scores!” And you’re on your feet, eyes wide and mouth agape as your scream blends into the cheers of your fellow schoolmates. “Lee Heeseung has done it once again, he’s led his team into the semifinals of the HYBE Basketball Tournament!”

The final whistle blows and you watch as the basketball team huddle together, specifically at a number 11, who was patting your good friend Jungwon on the back. The sweat from his temple rolls down to his chin as he pulls his jersey to wipe it, exposing the tiniest bit of skin that leaves you blushing.

“Would it hurt for you to look away once in a while?” Minjeong says, rolling her eyes, “I know you like him but god, get a change of scenery or you’ll get bored.”

The tips of your ears turn pink as you turn your head towards her, rebutting, “One, looking at him is a change of scenery from looking at you. Two, I was literally looking at Jungwon so that I could go congratulate him.” She scoffs, rolling her eyes at your pitiful attempt to explain yourself.

“Y/n! Minjeong!” Jungwon yells, capturing the attention of the both of you as you stop your bickering to congratulate him. As you walk down the steps, your eyes move to Heeseung, eyeing the way his tongue darts out to lick his lips as he listens to his coach.

You think he’s gorgeous, how his hands move to brush his hair back and how his skin glowed under the harsh lighting of the hall. His gaze shifts to meet yours for a split second before returning back, nodding at something his coach said.

“Congratulations Won, you were amazing!” Minjeong exclaims, giving him a big slap on the back. “Yeah Won, you’re the MVP of this game in my heart,” you add, passing him a water bottle like you always do after his matches. He holds back a laugh and you shoot him a sharp glare, cautioning him not to embarrass you in any way, especially when Heeseung was right beside him.

Before he can reply, Heeseung returns, patting Jungwon on the shoulder. “I have to get something for Coach Yoon, see you at the afterparty later?” Jungwon nods and he smiles, gaze darting from Jungwon to Minjeong to you before taking his leave.

“You’d think from the way you look right now, it’s the first time you’ve seen his face. But from the amount of times you’ve watched him from behind, I guess it actually is.” Minjeong jokes.

“Kill youself,” you reply, cursing her under your breath. It wasn’t the first time she’s teased you about your crush on Lee Heeseung. Just as you were about to call Minjeong out on the way she acted with her crush, your phone rings.

“Shit, sorry guys, I can’t hang out today. My brother just returned home yesterday, and he’s here to pick me up.” You apologise as you hurriedly grab your bag.

“Sunoo’s back? Tell him we said hi, and that we can’t wait to see him around school again!” Jungwon says, as the two of them wave goodbye to you.

The sky was turning a dark shade of blue as you finally breathed in some fresh air, starkly contrasting the musky smell of sweat that occupied the arena. Humming a song under your breath as you made your way across the empty hallway to the academy’s carpark.

“Hey, is anyone there?” The sound of rattling and thumping breaking the serene silence you were walking in. You turn, eyes at work, trying to find where the seemingly familiar voice was coming from. “Hello?” Your eyes dart to the equipment store.You walk towards the storage room, easily turning the knob on the door, opening it only to find Lee Heeseung, in all his glory, holding a door knob?

“Thank god, someone heard me,” he heaved a sigh of relief, hand moving up yet again to brush his hair back – which came to be useless as the strands of hair returned back to their places on his forehead. “Thank you so much, Jungwon’s friend,” he says, tossing the door knob into an empty basket.

“Jungwon’s friend?” You ask, head tilting in curiosity.

“Yeah, aren’t you Jungwon’s friend? I saw you with him just now. Thank you again for helping me.” He replies, meeting your gaze for the third time today and you feel a little faint.

“I helped you,” you repeated, processing his words, “well then, you owe me,” a lazy grin spreading on your face.

“What?” he says, slight shock evident in his voice, “what do you mean I owe you?”

You sigh exaggeratedly, “I was busy but I still helped you, and now I’m late for a meeting with a very important person. So, you owe me.”

“Okay,” he trails off, “so you want me to buy you lunch?”

“Lunch? Huh, is that how you ask out all of your side chicks,” you joke, having fun teasing the oblivious boy in front of you, “chuck them in a smelly room with you then tell them you’ll treat them for lunch?”

He scoffs, eyeing you for the first time. He thinks you’re pretty, how you were drowning in Jungwon’s oversized jersey with cheeks painted in streak of Decelis’ renowned navy blue and white. “No lunch then, so what exactly do you want, hm pretty girl?”

You look him up and down, and he’s intrigued. He’s used to girls falling to their knees for him. The kind with shy personas yet starkly contrasting gazes, as if they were going to eat him up. But he’s never really seen the look in your eyes, like you had him where he was supposed to be, and he was obliged to listen to your every beck and call.

“How about, “ you pause, thinking, “a kiss.”

“A kiss?” Heeseung’s taken aback. Never in his life has he been asked for a kiss this directly, especially not from such a pretty girl like you. He watches as you look up at him, doe eyes and glossy lips, and he thinks he’s gotten soft. “Sure,” he agrees cooly, keeping his composure.

You wonder where the surge of confidence had come from as you tilt your head up, gesturing to him to bend down before you move in.

He catches a whiff of your perfume before tasting the honeyed vanilla of your lips. It’s sweet yet subtle and he can’t help but yearn for more. His fingertips dance on your waist as he pulls you closer, hair softly brushing against his face as he drowns in the cream-like warmth of you.

He thinks paradise is between your lips and he’s in a dream. Like his heart is a stone that skims across the ocean of your skin, leaving dents of throbbing desire with every touch of your tongue with his.

But before he can go any further, you break the kiss, a frown etched on your face as you wipe your lips.

“Ugh, what is on your lips? Do you use some kind of olive oil lip balm? That’s disgusting,” you say, looking up to him appalled. “Don’t know if it’s you or the girl you kissed before the game, but whatever it is, it’s nauseating.”

Heeseung’s taken aback and wants to refute, but you were already walking out of the equipment room, the back of your hand trying to rub off the lingering taste of grass on your lips. He scoffs at your disappearing silhouette, ignoring the slight disappointment at the back of his mind.

It’s fine, he thinks, it’s just another kiss.

ii. stomach, meet butterflies

It’s been four days and Heeseung still can’t get you out of his mind. Suddenly you were everywhere, at basketball training, five people in front of him in line at the cafeteria ( he counted ), and his eyes constantly wandered, sifting through the different faces just to find a doe eyed girl with a sharp tongue and witty attitude.

The arm wrapped around his bicep tugs him down, bringing him for a kiss. It’s bitter and sour all at once, and he can taste it, the hint of the grass-tasting product on Sooji’s lips.

“Hey, what product do you use on your lips?” Heeseung asks her, curious of the disgusting flavour of the girl’s lip gloss.

“You like it that much, huh?” She purrs, shifting closer to Heeseung. “It’s actually cucumber, all natural as well, makes my lips softer. My mother actually bought it for me when she went to –” Heeseung nods, tuning out the girl’s annoyingly high pitched voice as he finds himself looking for you in the midst of the crowd of the cafeteria yet again.

To his surprise, he finds you already staring at him and he awkwardly shifts in his seat, moving away from Sooji. He doesn’t know why, but it suddenly feels wrong to be sitting so close to a girl, kissing and touching Sooji who he’s barely had five full conversations with when you were around. ( even if you were sitting across the cafeteria )

Heeseung can’t hear your soft voice that keeps replaying in his head, so he results to just watching as you break eye contact to wave your hand at Jungwon, who was walking towards your table. The way your eyes sparkle as Jungwon approaches you and your friends, and the grin plastered on your face as you call him out by his nickname irks Heeseung.

‘Won’, one simple syllabus and a silly nickname. So why is he feeling envious?

You’re just another girl he’s kissed, nothing more. He thinks, trying to console himself. It didn’t matter that you were confident, hilarious, or the prettiest person he’s ever met. Nor is it about how your lips felt so so soft against his, the taste of delicate vanilla that stayed on the tip of his tongue.

“Seungie, are you even listening to me?” a shrill voice interrupting his thoughts, and he turns back, annoyed at the fact that his line of sight was no longer you, but a cakey face of makeup paired along with a sickening amount of perfume. “What was I talking about?”

“Uh…cucumber lip balm?” He’s dazed, all his attention on you, not sparing a single glance at the girl leeched onto his arm. He can’t help but be mesmerised at how alive you were as you laughed along with your friends, the strong glare of the sun somehow cradled your figure, like a natural spotlight.

It’s like you have him wrapped around your finger, unknowingly tying up his heartlines like telephone cords. And he doesn’t know what to do.

So he results in asking Cupid. “I’ve retired Hee,” she says, “I’m not cupid anymore.” Her boyfriend Jay’s arm slung around her shoulder, as he twirls the ends of her hair.

“I’m not asking for matchmaking, I just don't know what to do next,” He mutters, slightly embarrassed. He’s Lee Heeseung, the basketball captain who led his team to the championships, the guy who could get any girl he liked, yet he finds himself stumbling over one small kiss with you.

Jay examines his friend’s expression, “if she really asked you for a kiss, then why are you the one chasing her around, following her like a lost puppy?” The girl beside him stifles a giggle, unable to fathom how the tables had finally turned. That after constantly teasing the both of them for following each other everywhere, it was finally his turn.

“Am not,” he argues, arms crossed and eyebrows furrowed.

The couple looks at him in disbelief, “you’ve literally been asking around about her, looking for her every second you’re free, or do you not remember?”

Heeseung remembers. How could he ever forget when all he does these days is stare at you.

“You’re down, bad.” Jay’s voice bringing him back to reality, “so? She liked the kiss, right?”

Heeseung sighs, not knowing how to answer. He enjoyed it, but did you? Most probably not. Not when his lips were smothered with Sooji’s all-natural cucumber balm ( they make your lips soft, but at what cost? ) “You promise not to laugh?” he casts knowing looks at the duo who loved making fun of him, “she said my lips taste like grass.”

He watches as Jay and his girlfriend hold back their laughter, looking at each other in amusement. “Oh god, she’s way out of your league,” he says, “we have to meet her.”

Heeseung groans, palms rubbing his face as he deliberates why he ever came in the first place, “just fucking tell me what I should do.”

iii. if i had two hearts, i would fall for you twice

You think it’s pathetic; you’re pathetic — as you watch the boy you’ve liked for a year bend down to kiss a different girl with his lips, as if nothing had ever happened just a few days ago. Maybe you were being dramatic, making a big deal out of such a normal act from Lee Heeseung, but you couldn’t help but frown at the thought of your unrequited feelings.

Though you were the one who broke the kiss up, you had to admit it was one of the best kisses you’ve ever received in your life. An intricate memory of your first kiss with your crush that should be stored in the treasure chest of your heart. You wished it could last forever. But tasting another girl’s gloss on his lips made you feel so worthless, like you were a side piece – even if he wasn’t really yours to begin with.

“He’s a wuss, he’s a coward,” Minjeong exclaims as the both of you sit on the bleachers of Decelis’ indoor sports hall, “he gets the kiss of his life, follows you around school like a bitchless loser, and when you finally look at him he kisses someone else?”

You slap your palms onto Minjeong’s mouth, nodding your head towards the hall full of basketballers practising. “Way to be secretive,” you groan, “but I guess it’s normal for him to kiss people. Plus, he does not follow me around, he’s always with Sooji.”

“We literally saw him outside our class just now, looking directly at you through the window,” she comments, “you’ve definitely caught his attention.”

You sigh, watching Heeseung as he bends down to catch a breather, body flushed like roses as he mouths something to his teammate. And you think it would take you more than a lifetime to get over the boy. He never needs to know how you replay your conversation with him in your head all the time. The way he smiled when you opened the door, the lovesick feeling that only he could give you.

“No, I-” you start, turning to face Minjeong, before you are interrupted by her furious tapping, “yeah, you did, because he’s on the way here right now.”

“Hey Y/N, hey Minjeong,” he greets, standing in front of you looking like a god. Your eyes widen in shock as your name rolls off his tongue and you’re buzzing, burning, flying.

“Hey guys,” Jungwon follows, hands reaching out to ruffle your hair and you scream.

“Won, it took me such a long time to do my hair today,” you complained, whining as you glare at him in anger, completely forgetting the fact that your crush was right in front of you at the thought of your messed up look, “and your palms are sweaty.”

“This is the one I told you about, the brat,” Jungwon explains to Heeseung, a playful glint in his eyes as he points towards you. Heeseung looks at you, an amused smirk forming on his lips.

“I know what she’s like,” he says, “we’ve talked before.” Your heart squirms around your chest under his gaze. We’ve kissed. You think, as you calm the throbbing heart of yours.

“So,” you start, attempting to change the topic at the price of your embarrassment, “what brings the almighty captain of our basketball team here? Doesn’t really seem like you’re in need of any saving.” You trail off, smiling at the thought of getting back at him.

“Of course not, pretty girl,” he challenges back, neither of you backing down, “but if you want, you can save me anytime.” You don’t know when he moved in, so close you shuffle back.

And you think that God was so unfair, that the universe hated everyone but Lee Heeseung. Because it was criminal, how he looked so good drenched in sweat with flushed cheeks and pretty eyes so powerful one gaze could easily knock a faint hearted out.

“Do I look that easy?” You tilt your head, the tips of your lips curving up forming a sly smile, “you might be smooth, Lee, but I don’t save just anybody.”

“Well, thank god I’m not just anybody,” he mutters before moving back, a cocky smirk plastered on his face, “so, would you come save me?”

Heeseung’s words bury itself in every layer of skin belonging to you, and he owns every feeling that blossoms in the pit of your stomach when you think of him. You hear him, and almost plead for him to save you as you stargaze at the opaque galaxies in his irises.

“Since you so earnestly begged,” you answer, catching a small falter in your voice. And he crushes you with his reply.

“You promised,” the creaminess of his voice wrapping around you as the shrill sound of his coach’s whistle cuts the tension between the both of you. “See you soon, pretty girl.”

He runs off, leaving you tongue tied, numb, as your heart falls again and again.

iv. language is so miserably insufficient when i talk about you

Heeseung makes lists in his head about what he wants in a lover, like brown hair and a sweet voice. Athletic, and maybe someone soft, gentle, and caring to him. And it’s all bullshit. Because people aren’t lists and the girl he’s staring at across the hallway is showing him that.

You’re different from the list in his head, equipped with a sharp mind and a sense of humour that actually makes people laugh like they mean it. And he finds you spilling into him, but for once he doesn’t care. His veins brimming, bones soft, and lungs inflated as his lips smiles at the remembrance of the imprint of your mouth on his.

He doesn’t know when it happened, barely catching himself slipping away from his past antics of having random cheerleaders on his arms or giving kisses because he felt like it. Now, he felt the need to save. To save his unlimited kisses for someone, you, who stood across the hallway with perfume that smelt like a fleeting dream.

“Bro’s too love struck to even look at us when we talk,” Jake says, eyeing the boy with hearts in his eyes.

“Just go for it,” Sunghoon pipes up, “how hard can it be to get a girl?”

Heeseung’s head whips back, eyes slitted as he glared hardly at him. “You wouldn’t even know, you’re too busy arguing with that neighbour of yours.”

“Just give her flowers and shit, girls like that.” Sunghoon rolls his eyes, unable to even imagine why his friends were all so infested with their love lives now.

Jay slaps Sunghoon on his back, face contorting into slight annoyance. “Not all girls like that, you have to get to know her, what she likes, and what she doesn’t. Don’t take advice from a idiot who shows his liking by being a nuisance to his crush.”

“I do not like her, she is the most annoying person in the universe.” Sunghoon refutes. And Heeseung stares at the scene — of two of his friends bickering.

He turns to Jake, gesturing as if asking him to tell Heeseung his thoughts and Jake sighs, “not me bro, I’m literally fake dating my crush and she thinks every gift or kiss i give her is fake. You should listen to Jay.”

So Heeseung turns to Jay, face with an expression ever so vulnerable; with the innocence of a love struck puppy and the wish to become a lover.

“I mean,” Jay starts, and Heeseung’s eyebrows furrow in concentration, wanting to capture every last detail of Jay’s love advice. “Do you like her?”

It’s a simple question but it wrings the life out of Heeseung. Liking someone is simple, but admitting it is not.

And he thinks back, to the time when he felt as if he kissed the garden of eden on the lips, tinted mosaic love, heart soft in soft hands, warm fingertips grazing warm skin. He smiles, and fuck, he likes you. A lot.

He opens his mouth, but is too overwhelmed by the enriching feeling washing him down. So he results in just nodding, and for once his eyes sparkle; so bright it puts the sun to shame.

“Then go talk to her, ask her out, find out what she likes to do, what she despises, and go for it.” Jay answers, reminiscent of the time he first felt the intense feeling of love, of crush.

Heeseung doesn’t need to be told twice as he makes a beeline to you. It’s not the first time he’s approaching you, yet his palms are sweaty and his breath is staggered when he reaches you at your locker.

You look up from your phone to the boy who stands in front of you, shadow casted onto the screen of your phone. “Lee Heeseung, fancy seeing you here. What’s up?”

Your voice is tranquil as it kisses his eyelids, that he can now no longer see anyone but you. His mind turns a blank sheet — the flower petal used to write you the sweetest letter erased.

“Uh, Friday?” He stutters, and he mentally kills himself for losing composure in front of you. “I mean,” he pauses, catching his breath, “hey, are you free Friday?”

You stifle a laugh at the poor boy’s lack of speech, his obnoxious confidence replaced with fragile dandelions at the tip of his tongue.

“Sure,” he’s cute, “see you Friday Heeseung.”

And he feels like he’s scored a winning basket.

v. my heart is so full of you, i can hardly call it my own

The devil works hard, but Lee Heeseung works harder. With his muscular arms crossed against his chest, body leaning against the metal frame of your locker as he waits, like he has for the past hour, scanning the crowd for you.

“Sorry for the long wait, Heeseung.” you say as you approach. Hearing his name come out from your lips made the hairs on the back of his neck stand. He’s never known a better sound than his name on your lips.

“No problem,” he replies, staring into the same eyes that got him hooked and he thinks, “she’s so pretty, I could cry,” a pretty girl, his pretty girl with pretty hair and pretty eyes. “I’ll always wait for you.”

You look away nonchalantly, but he’s observant enough to notice the blush forming on your cheeks. “Okay, loverboy, if that’s what you want to do.” And he laughs, fingertips sliding around your wrist as he pulls you out of school.

“Hey! Where are you taking me,” you exclaim at the sudden movement from the boy who opens suns in your heart, “this is so ungentlemanly of you! Is this how you take all your side chicks out? Manhandle them?”

Heeseung stops in his tracks, turning his body around before pulling you in by the wrist. His eyes etched onto yours, “stop being such a princess and just follow me.”

And with that he continues to lead you into the mall, a winner’s smile etched on his face at the thought of your shocked expression.

He pulls you into the mall, guiding you to the arcade situated on the ground floor, professionally swerving through the crowd of children to the basketball machines tucked in the corner of the bustling place.

“This? You want me to save you, the almighty basketball captain, from an arcade shooting game?” You say, a baffled expression on your face.

“I hold the highest score, sweetheart,” he replies cockily, as he watches you scoff at his arrogance.

“Oh, so this is a challenge?” You say as you jokingly stare him down, and he smiles. He smiles because he sees the warmth in your eyes, so intense he was sure you could read all of his thoughts, everything he felt and thought about you, written on his pupils.

“Yeah, whatever you wish,” he mumbled to himself, his heart swelling at the sight of you so adorably eager to win.

You turn to him, snapping him out of his thoughts, “play with me, Hee, I want to see your face when you lose.”

And he goes mad at the way your eyes morph into crescents when you laugh, stars glittering your smile and your face so colourful. He slowly finds that with you around, everything's a blur and time moves too quickly.

You laugh and he feels…relief. Relieved that you simply exist, and he’s privileged enough to exist with you in the same lifetime, in the same world, right beside you.

It’s an easy win for you, but only because he’s distracted by the pureness of your giggles, his eyes constantly moving away from the metal netting of the basketball hoop to you.

“Loser,” you exclaim, sticking your tongue out in sheer happiness. It wasn’t often that you would beat a captain of a basketball team in his sport after all, “now you have to treat me to ice cream.”

He’s about to refuse before he holds himself back, wanting to blurt out how it was you who caused him the loss. “Don't’ be a sore loser, Hee, not everyone can be blessed with such immaculate talents,” you teased.

You are not wrong. You are immaculately talented with the way you spin his heart dizzy, lightheaded, drunk on the tiniest of memories he has with you. You may not be the world, but you are everything that makes the world good. And now that Heeseung’s met you, he thinks all he’s done in his life was just existing, not living.

A soft tug snaps him out of his daydream of you, tiny fingers bunching the fabric of his shirt. “Excuse me, can you help me?”

Before he can register the unfamiliar voice, you’re already bending down, squealing over the cute boy, “Aww, you’re so adorable!”

You interact excitedly with the little boy, eyes practically shaped into hearts as you stare at him in adoration. “I’ll help you, let’s go! Don’t ask this sore loser, he’s still crying over how I absolutely trashed him in basketball!”

Heeseung bends down as he gasps, feigning hurt. “You wound me, princess,” a hand on his chest as he entertains the small boy in front of him.

“Hyung, why is your girlfriend so mean to you?” His eyes wide as he asks ever so innocently, scratching the side of his head in confusion.

“Ah, he’s not-”

“Yeah, why are you so mean to me, my girlfriend?” He sided with the little boy, turning to face you. He’s amused as you shoot him a warning look, mind racking for a response in your flustered state.

He wishes that he could hear about all the thoughts flying through your head at the moment. He wishes that inside, there’s a garden blooming just for him.

Do you think about him the way he thinks about you?

The question gnaws at him, because even though he knows that you have had a crush on him, he doesn’t know what it feels like.

But maybe now he does.

It’s like he’s hell bound and you’re heaven sent, and he’s never really believed in love at first sight ( or kiss ) till he met you. But there was no other explanation, of why his eyes looked for you in the midst of the crowd even when he barely knew your name and just the taste of your lips, or why his pulse would jump whenever he hears your name even though he’s at the other end of the hallway.

You haunt him, and he loses sleep as he stares at the countless stars in the sky, looking for one that’s shaped like the stars in your eyes.

Pouting, you try to explain yourself, “he’s mean to me first,” you say, putting the blame on Heeseung. But to your dismay, the little boy doesn’t believe you one bit.

“He literally looks at you like how a dog looks at a bone,” Heeseung’s laughter rings through your ear and into your heart as the tips of your ear blush red.

“You make it seem like he wants to eat me,” you say, hands moving up to soothe the heat of your ears.

“But he looks like he wants to kiss you so badly,” and Heeseung wonders how the little boy is so accurate in his observations. You’re stunned, and he takes the chance to dip down, finally tasting the sweet vanilla dripping from your lips again.

“Come on, I’ll help you,” Heeseung says as he stands up, grasping the tiny hand of the boy, “my girlfriend is a little preoccupied right now.”

vi. one boy, thousand feelings

You presume that you’ll never finish falling in love with Lee Heeseung now that he’s planted himself firmly in the garden of your life, conducting the butterflies in your stomach with how he waits for you after school at your locker, in the same leaning stance that has slowly become familiar after the past two weeks.

You remember when you asked him why he waited in that stance, with his arms crossed leaning against the locker coolly. And you remember calling him a hypocrite when he said it was the position he looked best in, because all he was in your eyes was a loser.

Or because he always looked his best in your eyes.

Even so, with his charming tactics and smooth ways, here you are; with a sour aftertaste in your mouth and a sunken heart as Minjeong asks you about the basketball game this evening.

“So he didn’t ask you to watch him at the basketball game?” She scoffs, “what a boyfriend he is.”

“He’s not my boyfriend,” you reply, bashful at the intimate label. “And maybe it’s because he knows I always go either way.”

“But still,” she reasons, “with the way he goes around proclaiming and calling you his girlfriend, he should’ve at least asked.”

You sigh. Maybe it’s a sign, you think, a sign that he doesn’t actually like you as much as he seems to, a wake up call that this will never be real, that it’ll forever stay a coin that you’ve thrown into the wishing well.

“Don’t worry Y/N,” Minjeong consoles, “we’ll be going together, matching in Jungwon’s jerseys! Who wants to match with Lee Heeseung when you can match with the Kim Minjeong instead?”

A small smile forms at the words of your best friend, “okay then, let’s go get ready, I can’t wait to match with the Kim Minjeong.”

She squeals, pulling you into her room, where two of Jungwon’s white jerseys hung. And you spend the afternoon with Minjeong, giggling and gossiping, as you dress up to watch the basketball game.

The both of you finally reach the indoor hall, seated at the usually second row of your school’s bleachers. Eyes scanning the crowd of boys on the basketball court, only to find Heeseung in the midst of the chaos.

The gradual beat of your heart suddenly accelerates. No, you were supposed to be upset that he didn’t invite you, get your act together, you think to yourself.

Curse him, curse Lee Heeseung, because with that face and skill, it was near impossible to look away. He dazzles on the court, easily manoeuvring past everyone, and you’re way too distracted by trying to keep your gaze off him you barely focus on the scores.

‘Jungwon, I’m here for Jungwon’ is the mantra you tell yourself as you fix your gaze on your other best friend, who was proclaimed to be the upcoming ace of Decelis’ basketball team.

And he proves it himself, with the way he catches the ball thrown to him by Heeseung, eyes focused as he shoots a clean three pointer.

You and Minjeong immediately stand up cheering, hollering like crazy fans. “Oh my gosh, with the way he’s playing, he’s definitely getting mvp tonight instead of Heeseung.” A wide smile on her face starkly contrasting yours, “looks like lover boy isn’t doing so well today.”

Turning to look at him, your heart squeezes, not only because of your deep feelings for the boy, but also due to how drained he looks. Face pale as sweat drips down his hair onto the court in droplets.

You hate yourself. For not paying attention, for being petty, for missing out on how his legs tremble ever so slightly as he struggles to stand straight.

He looked fine at a glance but the more you observed his actions you realise how much of a bad shape he was in. A huge sigh of relief exits you when the halftime whistle blows and you fly down the stands to the barrier, sourness replaced with worry.

“Heeseung,” you call, and amidst the bustle of the hall he hears you clearly, jogging to you with shining eyes.

“Hey my pretty girlfriend,” he says with a small frown as he examines your outfit, “why are you wearing Jungwon’s jersey?”

You ignore the boy’s envy laced comment, “Hee, are you feeling okay? You didn’t look too good on court today.”

He musters up a tired smile, “only because a pretty girl is watching me, makes me nervous.”

You sigh as your words enter his left ear and exit through his right, “I think you should sit out for the last half of the game,” your eyebrows furrow in worry, “don’t overwork yourself.”

You wonder if the boy in front of you is even registering your words when you see the dazed look in his eyes, as if he was ticked off by something on you.

“Lee Heeseung, are you listening to me?”

“Why are you wearing Jungwon’s jersey?” He repeats, this time in a stern tone that sends shivers down your spine. His voice raspy as he asks.

“I always do, you know that,” unaware of the situation you were in, “not like it matters.”

“It does,” he grunts, “how can my girlfriend wear another boy’s jersey to my game, cheering his name, and waving a sign for him.”

“You never gave me yours,” you mutter under your breath, not wanting to seem too dramatic in front of him, “and I’m not even your girlfriend.”

A string of curses leave his mouth under his breath, and he pauses for a moment, “yet,” he says, “you’re not my girlfriend yet.”

And you feel like you could look into his eyes forever, memorise the mesmerising patterns of his irises. More than that, maybe you could recognize him by his touch alone, by smell even; you would know him blind, by the rhythm of his breaths, the loudness of his footsteps.

The call of Heeseung’s name breaks your gaze from his, and you gesture to him to go back. But his eyes are etched to your face, as if you were an angel bestowed upon him.

“Hee,” you echo his teammate’s calls, “your teammates are calling.” And he snaps out of it at the sound of your voice, nodding before placing a soft kiss at the corner of your lips.

“Wait for me,” he says, expression serious. And you liked it, how it softened slightly when he looked at you. Like the way he looked at you differed from how he looked at anyone else.

Heeseung turns away but you pull him back, fingers encasing his wrists, cheeks sullied the colour of love, “don’t strain yourself out there, you’re always the best player to me.”

You don’t know how your reassurance melts him, thaws him down to his raw emotions and bones. You squeeze his wrists, offering him a comforting smile, and he thinks he’s fucked.

vii. i think i’ll call you love !

Heeseung thinks the universe must hate him, as he blows his nose into the nth tissue of the day. He had so much planned; to finally treat you to ice cream from your previous date, and to ask you to finally be his girlfriend. But he thinks it’s all ruined.

He doesn’t know the exact moment he fell for you, nor did he know that he would fall. But he thinks that’s the beauty in it, that he wasn’t even looking when he found you.

“We could get ice cream,” he suggests, voice low and stuffed as he sniffs. Watching the adorable way your face scrunches up in disbelief entertains Heeseung as you scold him for not taking care of himself properly.

“Ice cream? When you’re sick?” casting a stern glance at the tall boy, “do you want to die?”

He smiles at your cute expressions, and god he wants to kiss you so badly. There wasn’t a single word in the universe to describe how he felt about you.

There’s nothing in the world he’ll ever find more beautiful than you. Not the sun. Not the moon. Not even the galaxy compares to the light you radiate.

Yes, as long as the last thing he’d see was you. He wants to reply, but instead a few coarse coughs exit his throat as his hands fly up to cover his mouth.

“I think you should head home, Hee,” you say, anxious for him, “you’re burning up.” Your hands push his hair back gently as you gauge his temperature from your touch on his forehead. “I told you that you should’ve sat out from yesterday’s basketball game.”

“Guess I’m in need of saving again,” he mumbles, resting his forehead on your shoulder, nausea drifting away at the smell of your vanilla perfume.

Your hand caresses him back, softly asking him to stand up before pulling him to the direction of the nurse’s office.

“No,” he groans, “let’s go out.”

You tsked at Heeseung’s childish complaining, “stop being such a big baby and follow me.”

“I hate the smell of the nurse’s office,” he whines, “let’s go.”

And he pulls you, hands encasing your fingers as he walks out of school. “Where?” You ask, not even trying to persuade the boy to go back, as if he would listen to you.

“Home,” he says, pulling you across the road, passing a few houses before he stops.

“This is your house? I never knew you lived so close to school.”

“You don’t know where your boyfriend lives?” he teases, masking the dizzy feeling in his head, “and yet I know so much about you. Like how you like to dance, how you’re called the pretty girl of your year, how you devour strawberry covered chocolates like you’re starved.”

You’re blushing and Heeseung is proud. “Asking around about me now, Hee? Don’t make it so obvious, or else people might think you’re obsessed.”

Maybe he was. Obsessed with you. He sees you before he sees anything else in the room, vanilla was never his favourite scent till he smelt it on you, and he’s tangled, blurred into you.

He unlocks the door and welcomes you in, watching as you look around in awe, “Oh my god, you look so cute here!” You point towards a framed picture of a baby Heeseung placed on the top of a drawer.

He flushes, quickly moving to turn the photo down before awkwardly changing the topic. “How about we watch a movie?”

“Didn’t we come here so you could rest?” You say, “You should go to sleep Hee, I’ll let myself out.”

He shakes his head furiously, distasting the idea of missing precious time with you. “No, let’s watch a movie,” he insists.

“Fine,” you sigh at the stubborn boy, “just for a while then you go to sleep.”

Heeseung randomly chooses a movie, unable to focus as he flops back onto his sofa. He moves his head, laying it on your shoulder, shifting to find a comfortable position.

And it’s silent as the both of you watch the movie, with Heeseung’s head propped on your shoulder, curled up against you.

Heeseung, for once, feels at peace. His head is void of basketball strategies or maths equations, filled with just you. With the lovely silken murmur of your breath, like an angel clad in wings and the soothing feeling of strawberries, cherries, and kisses during spring.

He can’t take it anymore, it’s killing him. He hates how nothing goes according to plan, how he couldn’t take you out today, tease you in front of the world and ask you to be his. But he guesses this is what love really is, not really showing you off, no. But more so the urgency to trace over the spots you last touched, a gentle graze, a pat on the shoulder, or even a simple hug. He feels you even when you’re not near, and your scent has perfectly settled into his senses.

“Be my girlfriend Y/n,” he blurts out, “my real girlfriend.”

You freeze up, in shock and he feels the need to explain, to confess, to cough up all the words that are stuck in his throat.

“I like you, so much I can’t put it into words. You’re stuck in my head, everywhere I go you’re the first person I’ve come to look for. Anytime someone looks at you, or speaks to you, I’m jealous. I want all your minutes and all your words. I want all of you, to myself, all the time. I-”

You cut him off, lips pressing against his. This is what it’s like to kiss Venus, he thinks. And he never thought a kiss could be such a dream. His heart intoxicated, his mind derailing into madness, anaesthetised bodies against each other as the both of you run wild like the fire in your veins.

Giving in and pulling away, taking it all in with smoke in the air, in the comfort of each other's arms and sedated beings. Just you and him.

“So, is that a yes?” He’s dazed and worried, worried that you would say no and he’d never be able to forget about you.

You crack a big grin, giggling at his stupid question. Your cheeks dusted in fairy red as you glow, “I guess you’re my real boyfriend now, Lee Heeseung.”

viii. i don’t know how you do it, but i’m forever ruined by you

Instead of the usual #04 on the back of your shirt, you’re donning a #01. Definitely because your boyfriend was a jealous brat, and not because you wanted to. ( Actually you instantly agreed when he asked you to )

It’s been two weeks and you’re absolutely sick. Sick of the butterfly galore fested in your stomach, and even more so of the handsome boy who owns it, constantly clinging onto you like he was right now.

“Babe, I can’t believe you’re not going to give me a good luck kiss, I’m literally going to faint right now.” He says, dramatically flopping into your arms.

“I know you’re weak Hee,” you say to the boy who looks extremely happy in your arms, “but I can’t be saving you all the time.”

“But you’re a hero. My hero.” He replies, his words working past the interlacing fingers of your ribs, there, into your heart. And you can and never will get enough of Heeseung, with his tall figure and messy hair, deep voice and words that come out of his mouth like waves you ride on into the ocean of love.

He says what he means and some people may mistake this for simplicity, but it doesn’t take a genius to cut into a heart. Especially with your boyfriend being a #01 idiot. ( your #01 idiot )

“Go to your teammates Hee, you’ve got a game to play.” You shoo him away, and his eyes widen, turning glossy as he crosses his arms at your words.

“Trying to get rid of me already? You hate me that much, huh babe?”

You huff, stepping into his embrace, hands snaking around his neck and his, your waist. You press a kiss onto his pillow lips, and you beg each other for warmth, till you’re rubicund flushed, till your lips and cheeks and sun-splotched.

He breaks the kiss, and both of you stay; forehead against forehead, your heavy breaths mixed with his. And he smiles, it’s sweet and easy, like milk, dribbling through your fingers in a laugh warm as the melting of a love scented candle. And it’s all the better for no one else to hear it. Because this is your loveline, this, you think, is living.

“Go kick their asses, boyfriend.”

bonus. somewhere far far away, in the land of eumpapas, nella presents ‘not so love letters’

Dear Y/n ( My Prettiest Hero ),

It’s been three years since we’ve started dating yet I’m still mad about you. This is the cheesiest shit I’m ever going to write so this is a warning to never use this as blackmail against me or show this to my family members when they ask you how I’ve been performing as a boyfriend. ( as if I’m not the best boyfriend in the world )

For the past three years, you’ve made my life so much easier to bear. My repetitive routines felt more lively, and you make my life better, all by just being you. In my long long life to come, it’s you, who will forever be the most special moment.

Though we may have argued over many petty things, especially during your senior year and my first year in uni, I wouldn’t change a thing. And I’ll choose you, over and over and over. Without a doubt, in a heartbeat, I’ll keep choosing you just like how you’ve chosen me.

Everything has a reason for falling, and I have you. I love you so much, I’m so glad heaven sent you to me.

Ps: stop laughing at my hair colours or I’ll replace your vanilla lip glosses with those cucumber ones you love.

A boy who's off his face, in love with you.

Lee Heeseung ( Your Hee )

exeunt. he kisses you even when the sun sleeps.

© eumpapas, 2023

3am and touch deprived. this imagine is just my touch deprivation in a fancy font because, damn, this is so well-written.

HOLD ME LIKE YOU ALWAYS DO — s.jaeyun

PAIRING: jake x fem!reader GENRES: angst, fluff WC: 8.3k+

WARNINGS: mention of cheating and toxic relationship (not between jake and yn). fights, bruises, swearing, mention of alcohol consumption, kissing.

NOTES: i love reading angst and i thought about this one for a while. of course it's all just fiction, jake would never subject himself to that kind of thing. and another, if you live/lived/know someone who goes through a relationship like that… be supportive, or seek support. you deserve much more and no one has the right to be toxic with another person. for absolutely nothing!

masterlist

"Hey, Jake?" your voice came out as a whisper, afraid to wake the rest of the house as you tiptoed to the kitchen. Your route had been interrupted as soon as you passed the living room, noticing the boy sprawled on the couch.

With a quick movement, Jake stood up and sniffled softly as he wiped the tears that were pouring down his face.

"Hi y/n, I didn't know you were here" the shaky voice indicated that, once again, that scenario was repeating itself. He didn't even have to look at you to know that Jake was crying again.

With the sound of your tongue clicking inside your mouth, displeased to see him like that, you approached in quick steps until you were standing next to him in the center of the room.

"Lori again? What did she—"

"Let's not talk about it, okay? Just…" Jake felt his lower lip tremble as he began to cry copiously again "Hold me like you always do, please?"

Never that you would refuse that request, so your arms quickly wrapped around the body bigger than yours for sure. Jake wrapped his arms around your waist and buried his face in your neck to keep crying until he had no more strength.

As he said himself, you've always done this. Ever since you started going to the house he shared with his best friends a few months ago. You met Jake through Heeseung, your university classmate and your best friend's boyfriend. Thanks to you Heeseung and Kimi were dating. And thanks to Kimi you started to meet at Heeseung's house and his friends more often in addition to the campus parties that were always going on.

These encounters resulted many funny stories, many moments when you would have movie sessions and hear Jay's scream echoing throughout the room – and him denying at the end that that sound had come out of his mouth – even though everyone knew who had done it. And besides the fun stories, you also got to know the little painful moments.

It didn't happen because you wanted it to, but Kimi and Heeseung liked to vent to you and that led you to be a good listener. Always trying to understand what was going on and even listening about how Sunghoon felt like a bad student or how Jay was frustrated because he didn't know how to propose to the girl he loved. Everyone was there to talk to you. Except Jake.

Jake was the one you had the least contact with since you arrived there, and the stories about it reached your ears before you even introduced Kimi to Heeseung. Because the boy was venting about how sad his friend was. The reason? Dating. Or as you heard his friends call it, hell on earth itself.

You spotted Jake at a few parties you attended on campus, he was always a nice guy, and from the cool stories Heeseung told, he was great. But his shine dimmed when he was betrayed by one of his teammates on the soccer team. Jake Sim was the epitome of beauty and kindness, taking away any and all stereotypes of the varsity player being a real son of a bitch. Jake was not like that, on the contrary. And with that said, many girls would fall at his feet and he would have an equally beautiful girlfriend. Who has been turning ugly in his eyes since Heeseung told the whole story.

Lori and Jake studied together for a few classes in the semester, which brought them closer and they started dating. Jake gave all of himself, thinking his growing love was reciprocated until he saw his sweet girlfriend clinging to the team's quarterback inside the locker room.

That's dumb and very disgusting, you almost threw up your lunch when Heeseung was telling you all that, almost punching your salad with so much anger that the tomato flew off your plate.

It wasn't a long courtship, by the way. Jake wouldn't consider five months something he could suffer through like he did at the moment, but what hurt him was all the deception he went through. To feel that while he was trying to give of himself, he was being stabbed in the back by the person he thought he loved next to one of the guys he thought was his friend.

"Bro code and lack of character, he has to leave the team" Sunghoon wanted to punch the face of the man who made Jake be in that state, but he asked Jay, the team captain, not to do that. He didn't want to be in a situation that wasn't his fault.

Or at least he wanted to feel like it wasn't. Even with the constant encounters with Lori and her newest boyfriend, she seemed to make it a point to humiliate Jake until the boy simply wouldn't answer her and walked out of there. For her, that was a victory. For Jake, it was getting out of there in time to not cuss out every last generation of her and not offend her. Because he was too good for this world. Jake, unfortunately, cared about treating well those who didn't even think about how he would look in that whole situation.

Because he still frequented a few common places, the boy kept running into who he least wanted to be on that whole huge campus. He wanted to avoid, sidestep or just not look at Lori in his entire life, but she sniffed. She sensed Jake was around and always had a way of wiping out what shred of sanity he had and making him feel bad for nothing.

"You never get tired of seeing me, do you Jakey" her voice had become unbearable to him, causing his stomach to churn at the mere fact that his nickname had left her lips "Miss me?"

"Never" he managed to speak a little more firmly, making her raise her eyebrows in disbelief. Lori couldn't believe this was happening, in her mind, Jake was suffering for something she had caused.

"Oh, how rude" she laughed, and he rolled his eyes. With a little more closeness inside that library, Lori raised her hands to touch Jake's face, sliding along his jawline "That's why I did what I did to you, I was so bored I needed some fun in our boring courtship."

And those were just a few things he listened to relentlessly until he went home late at night and cried all he could. That's how Jake finally met you.

Having movie nights at the boys' house that Jake didn't attend, you'd hang around to sleep in Heeseung's room because he was taking Kimi home and everyone knew he wasn't leaving. So between hearing any noise coming from your friend's room with your friend, it was better to sleep in his room and dawn with unkempt boys who still made a great breakfast together.

But your nocturnal thirst prevented you from lying in your friend's bed all the time, so as if your biological clock sensed it, as soon as Jake was in the room quietly crying, you went downstairs.

Your first date with him wasn't that long, Jake just apologized for scaring you and went upstairs to his room. The next few nights followed equally until you decided to dare. Before he could pass you and go to the staircase leading to the bedrooms, you gently grabbed Jake's arm.

He shuddered at the touch but stopped walking instantly while keeping his back to you. Your next movement stiffened the boy's muscles, but he felt strangely welcomed as your hands passed around his waist, landing on his abdomen as you buried your face in Jake's back.

"You can cry, it's okay to do that…" your words felt like magic to him, because after that day, Jake would unconsciously wait for you to come down to get water so he could feel your embrace again.

You never said much and he said even less, being aware that Heeseung had already told him the whole story he had been going through lately. So words could be spared and Jake wouldn't feel his tears getting stronger and stronger if he had to relive the worst moment of his life so far. He wanted to focus on just being held by you and maybe feel your breath against the back of his neck as you held each other tighter. It calmed him down in a way, and the boy had no problem admitting it.

And you would also admit if they asked you that lately, you asked Heeseung to sleep at your house more with Kimi so you could silently help Jake. Because you were the only one who could get something from him, at least. None of your friends had gotten a single word from Jake Sim. They would have called you a good luck charm if they saw you hugging him in that living room.

It had been two months since you and Jake's nightly encounters. By this time, Heeseung only knew how to sneak glances at you during class and sometimes write in the corner of his notebook some teasing with it.

Have you kissed yet? He wrote this time. You rolled your eyes, huffing at the stupid question your friend had asked.

No, idiot. Your answer below is from a different colored pen to indicate your sentence.

He seemed to take a moment, looking straight ahead when the teacher gestured near where you were sitting. The focus was on two students sitting right in front of you, so Heeseung sighed and went back to writing.

I think you two match. You widened your eyes and quickly turned to Heeseung, letting your jaw drop at that.

"What's your problem?" you whispered as low as you could, pulling him by the sleeve of his sweatshirt as you spoke.

"What? You're the only one he listens to" Heeseung whispered back, afraid the teacher would scold you both.

"Does that mean we have to kiss?"

"Look, from the number of hugs you've given each other these past few months, I wouldn't be surprised if you two have already kissed" he smiled showing all those perfectly aligned teeth you always told your best friend, one day you'd break them.

But it wasn't the moment, because Heeseung's line was now echoed in your mind. He could be right, even if only in the slightest. Because you and Jake were meeting more often at the boys' house, you made Heeseung's room almost like your own. Now, apart from crying a little less, he kept a gentle caress on your waist until he dozed off on the sofa hugging your body.

It wasn't something to complain about, but to think about because his friend sitting next to him could be an idiot with good reason. It would be a lie to say that you didn't think about kissing Jake. But not while he was crying, only after the whole weight off his back moment that he released you from his embrace. Smiling in your direction and kissing your forehead before walking you to Heeseung's room.

"You're thinking too much" your friend nudged you "Is it Jake's kiss?"

"God, I hate you" you huffed "I regret introducing you to my best friend."

"Hey, you introduced me to the best thing in life, don't say that" Heeseung pouted, you rolled your eyes, but laughed it off.

Taking the conversation that way could take the focus off your friend's fixation on you kissing Jake. It wasn't something to deny, but you saw yourself as his source of escape, someone Jake trusted enough to see him vulnerable. You also didn't know how much he'd healed from everything he'd been through before you could try something, so just hugging him might be enough for you. That would content you, at least.

And with that thought you let the class go on without any more problems, Heeseung also didn't write in your notebook anymore until the end of the period, when you both put your things in your backpacks and he held his shoulders to divert you from the crowd of your classroom.

"I'm starving" he grumbled as soon as you left, abandoning your shoulders so he could walk beside you across campus.

"Do you want something to eat? I'm meeting Kimi and Sarang in five minutes."

"Tempting, but I can't" he groaned sadly, throwing his head back dramatically when you both stopped walking "I have practice now and Sunghoon already got us something to eat before we play. Will you tell Kimi I miss her?"

"You two saw each other yesterday" you grimaced "You slept together, Heeseung."

"I can't miss my girlfriend? You're annoying, y/n" he came closer and hugged you, messing up your hair "Wait until this happens with you and Jake, I'll laugh at your face."

Before he could get a slap from you, Heeseung rushed away only hearing your grumbles behind him. The cursed and mumbling of other words that he couldn't understand because he was too rushed to meet his friends at practice. He wanted to run enough so he could get home in time to shower and finish something from the university before meeting Kimi.

"He's here, finally" Sunghoon celebrated when Heeseung appeared on the lawn. Panting but smiling, the boy greeted all his friends until he let his backpack fall off his shoulders onto the bleacher bench.

"Were you expecting me? How sweet" he feigned commotion as he took a piece of sandwich Jay had offered him. Gratefully, he bit into a large piece listening to the captain and one of his best friends say a few things.

"Where were you?" Jake stopped beside him, nudging him with his shoulder. Heeseung swallowed the food before smiling without showing his teeth, but Jake knew that smile well. His friend's response would be less than malicious or pleasant to him.

"With your secret passion" he said once he made sure there was nothing on his teeth. Jake kept looking at him trying not to bite his lips in anticipation, then Heeseung sighed and said low "I was in the last class with y/n."

Jake choked on his own saliva rather loudly, his teammates looking directly at Heeseung since he was the one eating. The boy denied it, turning his gaze back to Jay who was instructing how today's game would go.

"Where the hell did you get that from? For God's sake, Heeseung," Jake said in a low tone, not wanting to hit his friend because he was eating and might drop his snack.

"Come on, you two walk too close. It's not time to—"

"You know it's not like that" Jake interrupted him.

"So you've thought about the possibility?" Heeseung's eyes flashed in anticipation and Jake couldn't help himself, slapping his friend's arm and yelping in fake pain. It hadn't even been that hard, after all.

"Am I getting in the way of you two lovebirds?" Jay raised one eyebrow at the two, who just looked at him with an apologetic nod afterward "Okay, let's start practice."

Running across the huge field after getting ready with their uniforms and helmets, they split into subgroups to start their training. Nothing too different from what they were used to. Excited shouts when someone caught the ball and scored a point, or when they managed to knock their opponent to the ground. Sunghoon was the one who celebrated the most, even more, if he had knocked Jay or Jungwon down.

Jake preferred to stay in his seat, waiting for someone to pass him the ball or call him over to assist on a point. Quickly his eyes ran over his teammates and soon stopped on Heeseung. The boy had a twinkle in his eye that Jake couldn't see, but he smiled broadly every time he looked at Sim. In a mixing motion, Heeseung formed two beaks with his hands, linking them together as if to make his fingers kiss. Jake froze.

He'd be a big hypocrite if he said he'd never thought about kissing you because it had already crossed his mind. But see this, Jake was still trying to heal from something that had been haunting him for a long time. He knew it would be completely difficult to try something with someone else if his ex-girlfriend was still a burden in his life. Not because he wanted to, but because he just didn't know how to get rid of it.

Jake felt that need, and he knew Heeseung was right in some ways. Because it was impossible not to feel like kissing you every time your lips touched his forehead gently after he sighed when he was done crying. Your lips curved into a small smile as you spoke words of endearment close to his face. Jake held back so much internally not to pull her face close to his.

Even more so when you nestled into his body pulling him into a hug. Your body was much smaller than his, it was obvious, but the way you held him was incredible. Every time your face was buried in Jake's neck and the shivers he felt could be put down to the intensity of the moment. He wanted to think it was because he was crying and venting all his frustration at that moment, not because his breath was beating against his skin involuntarily.

Jake wanted so badly to curse himself for thinking about your reddened, ajar lips, while you watched him ramble through what had happened and looked at him carefully on every subject. He would get lost sometimes and try to pick up again because he was glazed over by your lips. Maybe kissing them was something he wanted as much as you did, even if he had no idea about it.

"Jake, look out!" Jay's shout snapped him out of his thoughts as Jake looked forward, realizing he'd spent too long thinking about what it would be like if he'd kissed you. The ball hit his helmet so hard that he fell to the ground in seconds.

"Fuck" he groaned in pain, eyes closed and squeezed together as shadows loomed around him. His friends were already close enough to cover all the sun that shone on the soccer field that late afternoon.

"What the fuck, man. Didn't you hear me call you?" Jungwon scolded him with a concerned tone of voice. Jake felt his body being lifted and he knew Jay had taken off his helmet, opening his eyes slowly to see all his teammates standing there.

"Sorry, I… I guess I got distracted."

"We get it" Sunghoon joked "What were you thinking?"

Jake opened his mouth to answer, then closed it when he heard a short laugh from Heeseung.

"Son of a bitch" he didn't have the strength to get out of Jungwon's arms, otherwise he would have run to the other to hit him on the head too.

"Okay, we'll take a break from practice" the coach announced afterward, hearing from Jay that everything was fine and it was just a scare.

As the boys dispersed across the field, Jake decided to sit on the bench for a while and breathe deeply as his head ached. Maybe from the hit or, at worst, from thinking too much about you.

Jake doubted himself when he accepted that invitation after soccer practice. It had been months since he had known what it was like to attend a party properly without having his ex-girlfriend pestering him. He knew he was missing his friends since he always partied – as much as possible – with the almost weekly parties of the fraternities of that college. The boy sighed, letting those thoughts be pushed from his mind as he filled his glass for the second time, having Sunghoon's gaze and Jay's smile accompany him as the beer keg hose finished pouring its contents.

"Are you sure you're feeling okay being here?" Jay asked when it was his turn to fill the glass. Jake drank some of the contents, smiling with the plastic between his teeth as he did so.

He truly appreciated all his friends' concerns. And he also felt a little guilty because this situation involved everyone he cared about, and not in a good way. Because everyone ended up, in a way, feeling bad about the state Jake found himself in… Since he met you. That last part was new to him ever since Heeseung started pushing his buttons, even more so after he brought up the subject of kissing. It was just making him nervous.

"I'm sure" Jake snapped out of his thoughts when he felt Jay's arm go around his shoulder. He looked at Sunghoon, his glass full and a wide smile on his lips "Where are we going now?"

"To look for Heeseung, he's arrived" Sunghoon announced and was led the whole way into the busy house.

"And she came, you know, right?" Jay's whisper couldn't have stirred Jake as much as he would have liked. Shit, the boy thought, was he really looking forward to her arrival that much? Why did Jake feel his legs getting shaky as he walked with his friend by his side? Even though he knew it wasn't, in fact, to meet just you. But knowing that you were there waiting for the boys was one thing that made Jake a little more nervous.

With that, the boy decided to drink the entire contents of his glass to try, in a useless way, to clear his throat which was already starting to dry out due to his state.

"You've all finally arrived" with Jay's announcement, Jake froze as he looked straight ahead.

There you were, completely perfect. He always saw you in casual clothes because the settings were his house or college. The times Jake had bumped into you at a few parties, they were quick things and he was always accompanied by Lori, so it wasn't like the guy really remembered what you were wearing. When needless to say, he barely had any fun at parties being with the other girl.

"How nice to see you here, Jake" Kimi approached him, quickly hugging the boy who returned the act of affection with the same intensity.

"I missed that, actually" he said sincerely, smiling when she pulled away to give him space. The space he knew he couldn't fill because he was shaking too much to move.

When your eyes locked onto Jake's, he swore everything stopped for a few minutes. No music was heard but the sound of your heartbeat speeding up just because you had smiled at him. That smile that he used to see during the last few months as you consoled him for crying like an idiot. But even more so, it was the smile he looked for almost every night, even through the tears, just to feel good and be able to sleep peacefully.

"Hi" Jake blinked rapidly at your proximity, noticing you were standing right in front of him.

Now all your friends had scattered and he hardly knew where they were, leaving you two alone – not to mention the world of people surrounding you – but that didn't matter. It was just you and Jake, through both of your eyes.

"Hi" the boy smiled finally "Would you like a drink?"

"I'd love one" you smiled a little more because Jake was smiling broadly in your direction now.

Without much thought, as if it were a natural thing, he took your hand and entwined his fingers in yours. In response, you squeezed his hand and let him guide you to where the drinks might be. And all the way Jake followed like that, holding hands with you as if it was meant to be. As if the two of you had to stay like that until you reached the kitchen.

"What do you want?" he asked.

"Hm… Beer?" you didn't know what you had, and you weren't going to start with something unknown either. Maybe beer could help you get used to the alcohol in your system until you interspersed it with other concoctions Heeseung would probably bring in the middle of the night.

Jake agreed with your request and went to the fridge to get a beer, and even that didn't make him let go of your hand, so you had to follow him walking beside him. With his free hand, Jake grabbed two bottles of beer and handed one to you, smiling in thanks as he closed the fridge to walk over to the counter.

"Want me to open it?"

"Please" you asked, and just at that moment, Jake released your hand to take the bottle and twist the cap with the edge of his t-shirt. It was a simple act, you had seen Heeseung and Jay do it when you went to the boys' house at night.

A normal thing between them. But why with Jake had it made you sigh? A silly sigh that had certainly not gone unnoticed by him. Because the boy had smiled so shyly that your cheeks were red now.

"Thanks, Jake" you said before picking up your drink and taking a long sip. It was hot, your throat was dry and you were nervous. Putting it all together and adding the fact that Jake's eyes never left your face, you needed to finish that bottle as soon as possible. And that's what happened.

By the time Jake opened his bottle and took a small sip, you had already finished yours and felt the bitterness of the drink in your mouth, grimacing.

"What? Is it that bad?" he laughed, pouring his bottle and taking a long sip since the two drinks were the same. Then another sip until he finished all the beer "You didn't like it?"

"I found it a bit bitter, I don't know" you shrugged, feeling the taste still against your lips.

"I think I can make it better" Jake didn't know with what courage he had pulled it out of his chest to make it come out of his mouth. And he also didn't know what courage he was having to be slowly pushed against your face.

His face inches away from yours, his nose brushing so slowly against hers that it was tickling lightly against your skin.

"With your mouth? But you drank the same thing I did" you were supposed to shut your mouth when you were nervous, or you'd spoil the fact that Jake Sim was leaning towards you, his breath hitching against your lips.

"I had a few other things to drink before you arrived too, I think that might help" he shrugged, laughing nonchalantly at your nervousness. Perhaps he was a little braver than you now.

"It's okay, you can try."

It was all he needed to hear to touch the icy fingers to your skin and pull your body to him. Touching his forehead against yours, Jake slid his head to the side to get his lips to fit slowly, torturously long before his lips brushed against yours. He started slow, just feeling the pressure of his mouth against yours before he asked for permission to intensify. You gave in you wouldn't be silly to deny something you wanted and that was instigating you as much as he was.

Jake's kiss, although tasting different from the beer you two had been drinking, tasted good. It was slow and intense, his hands squeezing you so carefully as if you were going to break at any moment. Your hands, on the other hand, rested against his cheek to feel the movements of his jaw as he kissed you even more. No speeding up so he could feel every inch of your mouth and no rush to tangle his tongue in yours.

"Jake, we— Holy shit" Heeseung cried out. Jake parted your lips from him in a quick pop but came back to seal them properly as he turned his head towards his friend who had just entered the kitchen.

"What is it, Heeseung?" he laughed at the older man's astonished expression, he swallowed an outraged cry as he bit his lips.

"You… You two…"

"What did you come to say?" Jake still had his hands on your waist, keeping you in place as your hands slid from his face to his arms, holding yourself against him.

"I said… I wanted to talk… About, you know… You know…"

"I think we broke him" you whispered, hearing Jake's laughter once more.

"Come on, Heeseung! Talk soon" the boy hurried.

Heeseung seemed to come to his senses and sighed loudly, unable to contain the huge smile that adorned his lips.

"Game outside in two minutes, the boys want you to go" he finally said.

Jake agreed with a small nod, looking at you this time.

"Want to meet Kimi while I go with the boys?" the concern in his voice and the intensity of his gaze made your knees wobble. You could only smile as you quickly agreed with a nod.

Jake kissed your lips once more, still slowly and holding your face between his hands.

"Holy shit, I love you both so much" Heeseung shouted again, jumping up and down from the kitchen door. Jake laughed against your lips and pulled away, pushing Heeseung out of the kitchen and letting you breathe a little.

It was your turn to look for your best friend and tell her what had happened. Your eyes scanned the huge room when you came out of the other room, not to mention the pair of eyes that stared at you all night.

"I don't believe it!" Kimi shouted as excitedly as her boyfriend did a while ago.

You laughed at her excitement together with Sarang, who hugged you non-stop almost knocking you down on the lawn.

"I'm so happy for you two, I swear" she squeezed you a little tighter, waiting for Kimi to join the pair to hug them too.

"Jake deserves this so much" Kimi whispered after she hugged you both "And so do you, after all, you've been with him all this time."

"We just kissed, come on" you laughed a little nervously at the statement of one of your best friends.

"But I'm being honest" she walked away with Sarang "It's impossible for you two not to have developed a crush on each other in this time of closeness…"

"Sure, it's months of helping him with all this shit" Sarang sat back down on the lawn, enjoying the night from the front of the house. She had these moments when she thought everything was too crowded inside, so she would call you and Kimi to join her for some fresh air "And you two are beautiful together."

"Visually and emotionally too."

"Idiots" you rolled your eyes, laughing and unfazed by it. There was no way they could have left you speechless any longer, why were your friends describing you so well? Was it too apparent how you and Jake were with each other?

"Okay, let's go inside. Y/n is turning red and we don't have any drinks for her to blame her embarrassment on" Sarang held her arms out for someone to help her up. You and Kimi joined in, pulling her off the ground and waiting for her to clear herself off the grass before you went inside.

Before your steps became solid back to the party, your eyes traveled to the person at the entrance. Your stomach almost churned at the sight of Lori staring at you.

You tried to look away and even felt Kimi's hand hold yours for a moment, maybe they could divert the path and go in the back, but something in you didn't want to go another way but to pass her. But the girl was quick to get down from the driveway and walk towards you.

"Y/n, right?" she asked as soon as she approached your trio of friends along with a friend of hers. The girl looked at the three of you with a disgusted expression, surely mirrored by Kimi.

"Do you know my name?"

"I had to go find out who the bitch who kissed my Jake was" at her audacity, the only thing you could do was laugh. Laugh with all your heart as you took a step forward, almost knocking the girl over by the way you leaned towards her.

"Yours?" your voice came out between your teeth "Claiming something you lost months ago? Please, honey, get better."

"Oh, y/n, where does all this courage come from to talk to me like that?" she pressed her forefinger against your shoulder, pushing your body slightly.

"Don't touch me" you slapped against her hand on impulse, seeing Lori's countenance stiffen. She ignored the fact of that and went back to pressing her index finger against your shoulder.

"I suggest you stay away from Jake, you know" her nail dug into your skin, and this made a sigh come out of your lips "It's only a matter of time before he comes back to me…"

"He'll never do that, I'll make sure it doesn't happen" you tried to smile and ignore the sting of her nail against your skin "And I told you not to touch me, bitch."

You felt your body being pulled back entirely, widening your eyes and wondering how Kimi had gotten so strong to pull you like that. But it wasn't her there. Immediately you found Jake's eyes riveted on you while looking forward, you could notice your other friends assisting the girl who was trying to get out of her own friend's arms.

Your tongue itched at the roof of your mouth to ask how he had gotten that far without you noticing, or your attention and anger were so well directed that you weren't even able to hear him yell from the front door when the game was over. Jake knew he had to run as fast as he could, thanking God for his position on the soccer team. He was fast enough to sneak up on you all and take Kimi's place to hold you back.

"I'll finish her off" Lori's voice brought you back to reality, finally facing the girl who was trying to get out of Hyunjin's grip and her friend's as well.

"I hope you make sure you do this well, because if I catch you—"

"That's enough!" Jake said sternly, but low enough that only you could hear him. Without waiting long – and knowing that you wouldn't leave without first trying a fight – he spun you around between his arms and used all the strength he had to pick you up and put your body over his shoulders.

"Jake, put me down" you struggled, knowing it was useless because the boy was much stronger than you and his grip on your body wouldn't be gentle enough for you to get out.

Your eyes were still agile enough to see Lori's even angrier face as Jake carried you over his shoulder into the house again, setting you down on the floor after he closed the door.

Without saying a word, he took your hand just like earlier in the evening, but it wasn't as subtle. The grip between your fingers would have hurt if it wasn't for the adrenaline still coursing through your bloodstream. He ran up the stairs with you, so quickly that your feet almost wobbled and tripped on some steps. Entering the room Jake had designated, unaware that it was a dimly lit room that served as a study area in the fraternity house.

"You have to let me down, Jake" you finally said, sighing heavily as he stood in front of the door after locking it.

"Only in your dreams" he smiled without showing his teeth, turning serious again when you took slow steps towards him.

"I need to" your teeth quickly clamped down on your bottom lip, taking a deep breath when he denied your request again "Jake, I'm not done talking to Lori."

"And you won't, y/n" he leaned in close enough that his face was level with you. Swallowing dryly with Jake's breath so close to yours, you closed your eyes "You need to do like me and ignore any shit she says."

His calm voice contrasted with his serious countenance. You let out a snort with your eyes still closed, feeling your whole body shiver.

"Of course, to see you look bad like that… Jake!" your eyes opened to meet his, so expectant that the boy would let you out of that room "She needs to hear me. I've kept this for a long time and—"

"And you don't have to do that, y/n. It's not up to you…" he didn't mean to sound rude and you knew he hadn't been, after all, Jake was right. It wasn't about you and his willingness to say anything to Lori was only to protect you.

"Just let me…"

"Stay away from her, please?"

Stop asking me like that, you idiot, you mentally screamed, knowing you'd already broken down the instant Jake's hands roamed your waist, pulling you closer to his body.

"But—"

"For me, can you do that?" a whisper so sweet against your lips as Jake slid his bottom lip between yours. You sighed loudly, letting your hands sprawl against his chest as you felt him hug your body even closer.

When you nodded slowly in agreement, Jake smiled weakly before taking your lips and kissing them gingerly. He wanted to take his time kissing you once more, feeling every little part of your mouth as he tried to calm you down from the little incident minutes ago. You could feel his heart beating against the palm of your hand and Jake could feel your rapid breathing gradually calming down against his lips.

The same way you had calmed him all those nights, he wanted to do it right then. Jake wanted you to feel all the care he could offer you.

The kisses, even as they intensified, never stopped being careful until you both needed to catch your breath and pull away from each other this time. No interruptions, no one watching. Just you and him.

"Now we can go home if you want" Jake said after a while, forehead still against hers and a smile adorning the plump lips reddened from the fresh kiss.

"Why? It's early…"

"I'm not going to risk leaving you down there right now" you didn't know Jake's level of concern, but seeing his gaze take over your entire face as he waited for an answer, it was clear he wasn't going to let you stay there unattended.

"Alright, we can go home" you sighed, receiving a grateful smile from him.

But deep down, something in your mind screamed that it wouldn't be easy to stay away from Lori. Because if she stalked Jake even after the breakup, what wouldn't she do to you after tonight?

You didn't know what was hurting more: the pressure of the ice pack on your face or Jake's glare in your direction.

Yes, you practically promised in a roundabout way that you would stay away from Lori. For him. But what about when she comes in with all the rage in your being throwing you to the floor of the university hallway? Should you stay quiet and just take it, or stand up for yourself and manage to twist her nose in the process? Of course, you did the second option without even thinking about the consequences.

It didn't matter that your best friends took you to the university infirmary, just to take care of the little bruises on your face while Kimi called Heeseung. That was the cause of the information and that was why Jake was in the infirmary room with you now.

He paced back and forth, his hands running through his hair frantically and occasionally squeezing his lips as he ran his hands over his face.

Now and then Jake would glance in your direction, catching your eyes on him or – often – seeing you with your eyes closed enjoying the fact that that ice was working on your sharp pain in your cheek.

"Jake" you decided to call him, annoyed by the sudden silence since he had walked in, only exchanging words with your friends before they decided to leave and leave you two alone.

He turned around, staring at you and waiting for you to continue. But nothing came out of his mouth. Just a sigh that he tried to ignore and went back to pacing around.

The silent treatment was making you nervous, even more, painful because it made your whole face contort from the expressions, while Jake barely said anything or mumbled anything. So you thought about getting up and abandoning the ice pack you were holding. Without making any noise, your steps slowly approached the boy who was now standing in the middle of the room with a loud sigh escaping his lips.

"Jake, hey" you called him once again, he turned around so fast by the fright of your voice so close to him. Seeing that your figure was only a step away, he sighed again. Their eyes dropped to the reddening on his cheek.

"What?" Jake finally said, the voice hoarse from lack of use making you – this time – sigh.

"Why are you acting like that?"

"I asked you, y/n. I told you…" his voice raising a little in pitch, he cringed and eased when he saw you shrug "I told you to stay away from her, but you didn't listen."

"Hey, it wasn't my fault!" a groan of pain left your lips as you felt your cheek hurt. Jake approached you so quickly that you barely realized his hand was touching your face now. "It was your fault" you whispered, making him widen his eyes and stop touching your face.

Jake stared at you for a while, hearing your breathing so close to him that the boy swore you could hear anything too. Even more so his heart racing even faster.

"My fault? But I… Why?" he cupped his hands and put them in the pocket of the pants he was wearing. It was your turn to move closer, your hands brushing against his shoulders to slide up to his neck, where you found support to intertwine your fingers in the back of Jake's neck.

"Well, I'll be honest, okay?" you asked, Jake nodding in agreement as his hands went to your waist. The contact made you sigh, smiling with a bit of pain at seeing him so reluctant in his words, but his actions showed otherwise.

You also felt your heart racing from remembering Lori's words, from every little syllable hammering in your mind while – ironically – a smile filled your lips. Jake frowned before he felt yours lean there. Faces close together as you continued to smile.

"She came in furious, screaming down the halls that I was a slut… Again" you shrugged, feeling a slow caress of Jake's fingertips on your waist. That wasn't going to make you lose focus, so to pull yourself together, you took a deep breath "I knew it would happen after that night, but what she said to me made me think about a lot of things."

"What did she tell you?" your eyes quickly traveled over Jake's face, the Adam's apple slowly swaying as he swallowed dryly. The boy's eyes in front of him were closed, dreading his words because, in a way, he could assume what was coming.

"After swearing at me so much, she said you two fought in the library…" Jake opened his eyes, already wide at you.

"Y/n, I—" you kissed his lips quickly to make him stop talking, without deepening the act because you needed to finish. When he understood your actions, the words died in your mouth and Jake remained still, already feeling his whole face burn.

"You finally stood up to her after months of this hell, Jake" your voice sounded cheerful, and with a hint of pride at seeing him finally get over it. Jake smiled just from being completely flustered and embarrassed, but your next words almost left him breathless "She kept wondering how you were able to fall in love with someone else" your face turned away just enough for your gaze to meet that of a static Jake "So you fell in love with me?"

Another dry gulp from your throat and you were able to turn Jake's lips ajar and quivering. He stared into your eyes, but his words wouldn't come out. Nothing was able to roll off his tongue and form something coherent to say to you.

Jake's fingers pulled away from your waist, his hands falling to the side of your body. He wasn't able to hold you while you were shaking.

It was true, he had fallen in love. And even more true, standing up to Loir was – a large part of it – because he'd gotten tired. Tired of all that humiliation she thought he should have to go through. The other part was because Jake, slowly, fell in love with you. Without effort, it flowed so naturally that when he realized it had been enough.

As he listened to his ex-girlfriend swear at him, offend him, and try to offend you as well, Jake stood up. He had never raised his voice with anyone off the soccer field. But this time the boy never felt so free.

"Enough of this shit, Lori. I don't care about you anymore" the look on the librarian's face would have been priceless if it weren't for the anger Jake felt at the moment. He saw the girl in front of him cringe, but pull herself together immediately to try and get out of the situation. He didn't, of course, raise an eyebrow when he remembered all the things she had said "You're going to leave me alone from now on. Because nothing you say to me will have any effect."

"Why?" she tried to laugh, failing when he lifted his lips in a smile "I know it messes with you, Jakey…"

"It did. Past" Jake's smile widened as he sighed to finish his sentence "I'm in love with someone else and she's taking very good care of me. Not letting me be affected by all that shit that comes out of your mouth."

He wouldn't stay in that place listening to whatever it was. Jake felt victorious after you left, even though he knew now that Lori had gone after you because she wasn't satisfied. It was true that you had taught her a lesson after what Jake heard from his friends, how you managed to defend yourself enough to put that crazy woman in her place.

But he also didn't know that Lori would count every word he said.

"Jake" your voice called him back to the present, blinking frantically when he saw you smile. As if catching his breath, Jake nodded his head. Enough for you to reach out again and pull him by the t-shirt he was wearing. Jake tilted his neck to level his face to yours, welcoming your soft lips that pressed against his.

The shared kiss was so full of feeling that he could only sigh against your lips as he fought for dominance inside your mouth. Jake's hands pulled you closer around your waist, pressing your body against his and being careful with the force exerted because he knew it could hurt if he tried any harder.

"I'm in love with you too, Jake Sim" your voice still being muffled by Jake's lips, who smiled between the kiss before finishing and sealing your lips with his.

That was music to Jake's ears. To feel good about someone again, even though he thought it would be impossible because of everything he had experienced. But when you arrived, without even asking permission, you had already completely changed the course of his feelings. He knew he was meant to have you in his life as soon as your arms went around Jake's waist that night, holding him without knowing him. Just to hear him cry and vent. There he knew.

"Come on, let's go home" he whispered before kissing you again, slowly and leaning his forehead against yours in the process.

"But I need to find the girls—"

"I'll call Heeseung and let them know we're going home, they'll find you there" Jake pulled away, taking your hand and entwining your fingers together with his.

"What's the rush, Jake Sim?" your hand slowly squeezed his, causing Jake to laugh as the boy grabbed his belongings from the infirmary room to leave.

Stepping through the front door, leading the way while still holding your hand, Jake felt your face lean against his shoulder. Gently as he still felt a little pain. Jake leaned down to kiss the top of your head quickly.

"Because I want you to hug me like you did the first time" you stopped walking as soon as you heard his words, your heart racing even more after seeing him smile at you. That smile so beautiful and bright right next to your face, you could only kiss him again, hearing him whisper against your lips "Only now I can earn some kisses too, right?"

Laughing, you nibbled lightly on Jake's lip before pulling away. Hugging him like the first time, on the couch at his place while kissing him now… It was everything you imagined before, but it felt a thousand times better now that it was happening.

© ikeuverse, 2023. do not copy, translate or steal my stories.

★ TANGLED IN LOVE, STUCK BY YOU FROM THE GLUE. tsukishima kei

.ᐟ Content summary: Boyfriend Tsukishima headcanons.

.ᐟ Includes: Tsukishima x fem!reader

.ᐟ Word count: 1.4 k

.ᐟ Content warnings: none, just fluff, sfw, kinda realistic?)

.ᐟ A/N: i’m never understanding why people see Tsukishima as someone completely mean, without feelings and horny all the time. The title of this are lyrics of this song of beabadoobee btw.

☆ His glasses have small stickers you put on them, sometimes they are in the lenses in a place where they don’t block his vision of course, or sometimes they are in the temples part of the glasses. Tsukishima never takes the stickers off, he lets them fall on their own and when this happens he always casually lets you know so you put on new ones. He doesn’t mind at all if the stickers are glittery, or pink, with strawberries or something girly, he doesn’t care as long as those stickers are chosen by you for him to wear everyday until they fall off.

☆ He learned origami out of boredom with youtube tutorials and learned to do several animal figures that he threw away after making them, usually he makes origami when he needs something to fidget with when he’s watching a tv show or a youtube video so the figures don’t matter. But then, he learned to make origami flowers and instead of throwing them away, he started to give them to you. The first ones he gave you were made in plain white paper and then he bought a pack of paper in different colors so the flowers would look more real. He usually hands you the origami flowers without comment and tries to be nonchalant as if it wasn’t a big deal but it’s obvious he gets flustered when you smile and tell him how pretty the paper flower is, he would grumble about how it isn’t a big deal and they are tedious to make, and yet you’ll receive another flower from him not too long after that.

☆ Tsukishima is not someone who likes PDA, so he won't be kissing you and hugging you in front of other people or in very public places, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t affectionate. In public he shows you his affection in small touches like holding your hand, staying close to your side, letting you cling to his arm and when he has to leave your side he’ll discreetly kiss your temple or your cheek. In private he would be a little more touchy but not too much because he’s shy, okay? In private he would be more comfortable in placing his arm around your shoulders or around your waist, he’ll rest his chin on the top of your head while hugging you and he’ll even peck your lips sometimes.

☆ The dates Tsukishima likes the most are picnics in the park, museum visits, going to the movies and having a movie night at his place. He likes the kind of dates that don’t require a lot of planning and are more spontaneous and in which you can be comfortable so you both enjoy each other's company, if you like dates like dinners and all that, he wouldn’t dislike them at all but the kind of dates that are more chill are his favorite ones.

☆ One of his favorite activities to do with you, is building lego sets. They don’t even have to be those expensive official lego sets, the cheap ones that are figures of anime characters or sanrio characters work perfectly fine by him. Usually you take turns in buying the sets either online or in a store, you always get one or two for each of the characters or things you like. Usually, the day of your lego date it’s in the weekend when neither of you are busy; you order food and get some snacks to eat, while building you talk and watch a show or youtube videos. Tsukishima actually loves to be doing something he enjoys to do with the company of someone he cares a lot for.

☆ He gets nervous and hyped everytime you go to his games.Your presence gives him a boost to do his best in the matches to show you how much potential he has, but at the same time he gets nervous of you being there in the public because he doesn’t want to make a fool out of himself in front of you. It makes him flustered everytime he hears you cheering for him, the tips of his ears get red and he tries to ignore the funny looks the rest of the team gives him or else, his face goes completely red. Even so, he actually smiles big and feels a little giddy when you hug him after a match, and tell him how amazing he looked and how well he did it.

☆ If you’re part of the team, he tries to focus on the match but at the same time keeps an eye on you and it’s quick to let you know what you should be improving during the game so the team can win. Of course, he doesn’t tell you what you should be doing better in a bad way, he just wants the team to win and wants you to exploit your abilities in the best way possible so if you don’t win, you won’t blame yourself. After the game, he will hug you and tell you you did a good job, he will tease you by faking to be arrogant when you compliment his performance but he will actually feel happy that you think he did good, it makes him feel good with himself to know that he was useful to the team.

☆ He's not the jealous type, but he is wary of other guys getting too close to you. He doesn’t like it when guys get too touchy or too close to you, it makes him uncomfortable and kind of self-conscious. He knows he isn’t the most nice people out there, or the best good-looking, he knows his personality it’s one of his biggest flaws and he’s afraid that you might realize all of this things and leave him for some guy that it’s better than him, that’s why he gets tense when other guys tries to flirt with you or gets too close. He has never tell you this because he thinks it’s embarrassing and dumb, and he can only hope that you don’t realize all his flaws, or that at least, you don’t mind them.

☆ He got matching bracelets for you. Tsukishima is not someone that likes matching clothes so he went with something basic like matching jewelry for both of you, but it made it meaningful so it wasn’t just an ordinary thing. He got two affordable bracelets first in the same color, then he bought two pendants that matched for the bracelets that would resemble you and him respectively, he went with pendants with the first letter of your names with a little fantasy diamond encrusted. When you were given the bracelet, you never took it off and neither didn’t he. It was an obvious but subtle way of letting everyone know that you two were together and that you belonged to each other, that was why Tsukishima bought the bracelets, he loves to see you wearing his initial and also loves the fact that everyone can see you are with him and only him.

☆ One of the songs that completely describes what Tsukishima feels for you it’s Glue Song by beabadoobee. The first time he heard the song, was kind of accidental but as soon as he heard the lyrics and searched for it’s meaning, he found a meaning to all of that he felt for you inside his heart. He can not describe all of what he feels for you or how important you are to him, but as the song says, he found himself being attached to you in a very unexpected way and soon enough, you became one of the most special people for him, it’s something he has never felt before. He can’t bring himself to be away from you, or to let you go, he just can’t even imagine it without feeling a heavy stung on his chest, so he is planning on spending his whole life with you, he knows it’s soon to be taking a long term decision like that one but he is sure that he wants to put a ring on your finger and spend his whole life next to you. You are just like glue and are stuck with each other, and if you ever consider to split up, Tsukishima would try his best to glue you two back together.

---

YUNKI PLSLSLSLSLSL GOT ME WHEEZING AT MIDNIGHT HWHSHWHSHHW

enhypen texts when you have plushies of another idol

this is for goofs - crack - 9 screenshots - funny haha - masterlist - i have a ton of these plushies so i thought this would be cute

*･゜ﾟ･*:.｡..｡.:*･'(*ﾟ▽ﾟ*)'･*:.｡. .｡.:*･゜ﾟ･*

jungwon- ˚✧₊⁎❝᷀ົཽ≀ˍ̮ ❝᷀ົཽ⁎⁺˳✧༚

open for the rest of the members (ᵔᴥᵔ)

heeseung- (๑>◡<๑)

jay-(-_-)zzz

jake-ʕ•̫͡•ʕ•̫͡•ʔ•̫͡•ʔ•̫͡•ʕ•̫͡•ʔ•̫͡•ʕ•̫͡•ʕ•̫͡•ʔ•̫͡•ʔ•̫͡•ʕ•̫͡•ʔ•̫͡•ʔ

sunghoon-(°_°)

sunoo-٩( 'ω' )و

riki- ヾ(๑╹◡╹)ﾉ"

THE INTERVIEWS: PARK SUNGHOON

member: sunghoon | type: drabble | wc: 1.7k+ | genre: fluff, somewhat interview/documentary, future setting, canon compliant, established relationship with a woman (she/her)

summary: a series of interviews for some of the members of ENHYPEN a few years into their future, detailing their life and love, and everything in between. 

a/n: its not the best but this is kind of a new thing im trying out. it’s not centered on the romance as much as on sunghoon’s character i headcanon, but pls do give it a try <3</p>

A cup of coffee sits in focus in our first frame. Behind is a backdrop of grey curtains that allows us to see just a thin wisp of steam curling above the beverage.

It is, however, short-lived. With the strong stride of our arriving guest smudging it away, the camera is moved to follow the man. We only see his black slacks for now, making their way towards a two-seater couch, similarly black.

When the man sits down, he does so with a sound that’s a cross between relief and excitement, taking on a position with his palms on his knees. He looks up behind the camera awaiting the clap of the slate, then expertly schools his expression into that of more professionality. Witnessing this, it is no wonder now that our guest has thirteen years of experience in the industry under his belt.

“Hello, this is Park Sunghoon.”

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