Hey. Psst. You. Yes, You. You, Who Thinks That Andrew Choking Kevin For Neil Is Sweet And Romantic.

But yeah Andrew is the softer one in the relationship:

- This is a part of him he thinks must be in new bloom. The world says rough, the world says weapon, the world says joyless and so there must be some truth to it, right? Yet he finds himself wanting to cradle Neil’s hands to his chest when he needs steadying from a nightmare, have Neil’s bare wrist pressed flush against his ribs so that he can feel their pulses thrumming against one another. And he can’t sleep at night until he’s ran slow, deliberate fingers through Neil’s soft hair, every comb-through an indulgence, fingers massaging Neil’s delicate scalp, learning the structure, the very shape of it. He wants to press his lips to every scab, every contusion, everywhere Neil tore himself apart in hopes of survival. He wants to alleviate and cradle and absorb.  - Neil often ends up kicking his own blankets off of himself at night, and in the winters it drives Andrew absolutely crazy, so he’ll wake up a couple of times in the middle of the night just to fix Neil’s blanket and pull the covers back up over his shoulders to keep him from shivering too much, right before closing his arms down over Neil’s middle like a brace like a ring of fire. - Andrew likes to tease Neil about being clingy, but there are times when it’s difficult to say if there’s something wrong with his system or if being separated from Neil for longer than a few hours at a time has him emptied and aching in more ways than one. One particular evening at Sweetie’s, while watching Neil, Nicky and Kevin engage in some idle conversation he doesn’t remotely care to pay attention to, Andrew subtly tilts his cone in Neil’s direction. Neil regards it a moment before gladly accepting the soft serve and taking a small bite out of it. They share the rest of the cone together. Nicky attempts to tease them about it at one point, but stops mid sentence when he catches Andrew’s murder-glare from his periphery and changes topic. Andrew will never admit it, but once it becomes a quiet, shared ritual; he likes getting a little ice cream on his nose on purpose so that Neil has the urge to kiss it off. Slowly it becomes ok, even in  public. - There are nights when Andrew lets Neil wrap his arms around his stomach and pull him close, his chin on his shoulder, Andrew’s back digging into Neil’s chest. Andrew sleeps better when he can feel Neil’s heart beating against his spine. It leaves him strangely warm and punch-drunk.  - Sometimes in the midst of exploring, Andrew will take Neil’s hands and press them to his own diaphragm over his t-shirt so that Andrew’s breaths can do the speaking for the wordless, happy hum that he’s feeling. He likes Neil’s palm resting there, at the centre of him. - Andrew anchors his fingers in the back collar of Neil’s sweatshirt whenever he feels Neil tense by his side. As soon as Neil’s on edge, all it takes is for Andrew to hook his fingers and give a light tug on his clothes to reground him. Other times he’ll bunch his hand in the hem of Neil’s t-shirt and twist or press a steering hand around the back of his neck, but never to control. Always to guide. Neil will never not be amazed by the impact the slightest contact with Andrew can make on his nervous system. - Andrew strives to smoothen out his hard edges, catches tail ends of hushed conversations where the Foxes relay mutual shock at noticing the incurvated places where Andrew lets himself cave in, allowing himself to be vulnerable, allowing himself to be worshipped. The devotion and unrepentant trust that builds a monolith within him when Neil fiercely defends him. “I don’t need your useless concern,” he’ll mutter. “Too bad because you’ve got it,” Neil will usually reply. “They have to stop preying on you at every given chance. You’re not a monster to me. You shouldn’t be a monster to anyone. If they fail to understand that, they’ll be sorry.” Andrew’s tone is offhanded. “I don’t care about what they think. Nor should you.” Neil just shakes his head. “We’re family. We have to treat each other like one.” The words bite at the crumbs of Andrew’s nonchalant demeanor and he lets his guard down wholeheartedly. It’s an understanding. He and Neil have something that the rest of the world can only dream of, and nobody can take that away from them. - Neil often spends time bare-chested with Andrew so that he can further familiarize himself with the feel of Neil’s lacerated skin and by the time they’re falling asleep, Andrew almost invariably ends up wearing Neil’s oversized hoodie he shed earlier to bed.       - He doesn’t feel particularly gentle, but Neil insists that he is. “You’re always so careful,” Neil’s voice is thick with some unchained emotion, yet conversational as he runs fingers over Andrew’s split knuckles. The night air is humid and dark, rain-heavy clouds blot out the stars. They feel exhausted after a particularly grueling game, like battlefields after war, but the heat of Andrew’s body is lilting and makes Neil feel kind of dreamy. “With me, I mean. Nobody else has ever been that considerate.” Andrew’s blank amber eyes stare back at him, shone like opals in the campus lights reflecting from down below. “It’s not concern,” Neil nods in agreement. “No, it’s not.” Andrew then wordlessly takes their entwined hands and holds them against the side of his jaw, just below his cheek. Neil reacts with an elaboration. “Even though it’s always yes with you, you understand that some days it might be a difficult yes. You don’t touch to feast, you touch to steady. You make me feel safe and like I exist. You go about it like flower picking, if that even makes any sense. Cautious but hot, never incomplete and still somehow leaving me wanting more.” Now Neil’s smiling and nudging Andrew’s foot with his own. Their hands still twined at Andrew’s throat. “It’s really sweet.” Neil expects a comeback, an evasion, an immediate it is not but instead Andrew’s silence is pensive. Neil can feel him swallow against his fingers. The swift bob up and back down. “I don’t ever want you to feel like you have to.” He finally declares. Neil’s heart enflames as he leans in, close enough to Andrew’s mouth that he can taste his breath on his tongue, an inch keeping from tipping over into a kiss. “And I don’t ever want you to feel like I don’t want to. Because I do. I want so much it scares me. Pretty weird, right? Going from being nothing to wanting so much.” They gaze patiently at one another, not kissing, breaths spreading against lips like ripples in a pond. “What if I stopped asking?” Andrew’s voice is barely a whisper, hoarse; afraid almost. “I would like that, but only if you feel comfortable with a decision so big. You don’t have to make it now. Not for me.” Neil replies. Andrew closes his eyes. “Tell me one final time.” Neil traces one of Andrew’s eyelids with a barely-there finger and takes a breath. “Yes. Eternally yes.” Andrew crushes his lips hard against Neil’s: a chemical reaction. The kiss is a languid drink sipped by a man who’d been thirsting for years. The kiss is a game changer and Neil feels it in every single one of his arteries. If such a gesture could be measured, it’d stretch on for eternity. Neil is so thankful when they come apart for air that he’s stunted speechless. Andrew’s expression, once an uprising, now lays its armor down and then, the barest, shortest of burning smiles. Neil thinks he’ll forget how to inflate his lungs. And sitting there, atop their little pocket dimension of a rooftop, with Neil’s face moon-bright and stained red with surprise, Andrew thinks this gentleness will become a bad habit.

My adaptation of the God of Arepo short story, which was originally up at ShortBox Comics Fair for charity. You can get a copy of the DRM-free ebook here for free - and I'd encourage you to donate to Mighty Writers or The Ministry of Stories in exchange.

Again it's an honour to be drawing one of my favourite short stories ever. Thank you so much for the original authors for creating this story; and for everyone who bought a copy and donated to the above non-profits.

You told her the wave was seven feet. You ran to her on the beach. There were seagulls. She wore a hat with a blue ribbon, a long dress with a blue and red flower, and yellow sandals covered in sand. She was pretty. She was really pretty. And you…you were happy.

Sometimes you have to beg your best friend to leave the only place he’s called home since his mother died because he will not survive if he stays - even if that means leaving you. Sometimes you have to mop up your best friend’s blood and try not to look at bone sticking out of skin. Sometimes you have to convince your bestfriend that the person he loves (the person you hate more than anything) does not love him and will never love him and never did love him because love doesn’t look like sacrificing someone else’s dream for the sake of your own pride. Sometimes you have to let your best friend go even though it might end with you soaked in your own blood because you know that you were always stronger than him and you can endure it - you have to endure it. Sometimes you are Jean Moreau and you are very very alone.

People on Twitter pissed me off, so now I need to talk about Kevin Day. With a new wave of "Kevin was selfish for leaving" discourse happening, I legitimately have to ask, do you all understand what a cult is??

Even putting the psychological effects being in a cult had on him aside, Kevin is not a perfect person. Nobody in the aftg series is perfect, characters are not black and white. This is one of the big points of the series. You have got to put yourself in his shoes. Imagine this:

You are 19 years old. Your mother was killed when you were a child by someone involved in this cult; even if you do not know this for a fact, you have a suspicion. The identity of your father is kept from you in an effort to keep you where you are. You are number 2, supposed second in command of the other members. You can not piss off number 1; you have seen what he does to number 3 when he is angry. You are challenged to fight number 1 and know that if you win, he will be irrationally angry, so you pull the fight and let him win. He knows you did this. He attacks you, and you start begging. First in English, your native tongue, then in Japanese, his native tongue, and then in French, the language you should not know. This implicates number 3, and number 1 lashes out and crushes your hand almost beyond repair.

You are left alone with number 3 there to pick up the pieces. Your mind is absolutely reeling; you are no longer useful to the cult like this, and you know what they do to things they do not deem useful. 3 will do anything for you. You know this to be true. You have to get out, and a solution comes to your mind: number 3 distracts number 1. It is your only opportunity. Do you take it?

Personally, I don't understand how you can read this series and not come out of it feeling incredibly sorry for Jean and Kevin. Should Kevin have used Jean's feelings for him to get out of the nest? In a perfect world, no, but this is not a perfect world. He was desperate, and scared, and vulnerable, and he did whatever he could to get away. If he was selfish, he would not have felt the insane amounts of regret we can practically feel radiating off of him during the series. Kevin is a victim, and I need y'all to stop overlooking that.

Neil & Jean

About how Kerejeandreils cope with their traumas

Jean often has nightmares on his bad days. When the boundaries of anxiety grow to an exorbitant size, he go to Jeremy.

Neil's triggers can be triggered by any little thing (words; sudden movements). Of course, he won't admit that he's not okay, but Andrew doesn't need to say anything. He himself will take Neil away from everyone, where they will smoke in silence.

Kev may not eat for weeks and lock himself in a room, but that doesn't mean the guys won't find a way to get to him. Their sunny boy just picks the lock, but no one comes in until Kevin himself lets them in.

That's how they find out that Jeremy didn't have a sweet life either. And even if his teenage riots and escapes from home are not the nightmare that the guys had to go through, his problem are not devalued.

Andrew never talks about his bad days. He is a defender, and it behooves him to be strong and not show weakness. This delusion, which he has convinced himself of, doesn't suit Knox, so Minyard can no longer ignore his condition.

Jean asks Andrew to teach him how to fight with knives. This is far from the best way to deal with trauma to rape, but Minyard agrees to help with the only condition: Jean will sign up for a session with Bee. If necessary, they will go to it together.

Neil's "I'm fine" eventually loses weight completely in their company. Everyone understands that this is utter nonsense.

One day, after a grueling interview, Kevin just finds Jeremy and lies with him in silence for several hours. He was tired. It infuriates him how journalists try to get into his personal life. He feels bad. But next to Jer, everything gets a little better.

Evenings Andrew barricades himself in the kitchen, devoting himself to cooking. Maybe it's stupid, but that's how he calms the demons in his head.

Neil, stepping over his fears, takes Jean by the hand, and runs his palm over his scars. He doesn't avoid touching, unlike Andrew, but this is also an important step forward. Especially after what happened in the Nest.

They're not fine, but it's okay. They overcome their demons together.

matt & andrew friendship!!! (extension to this)

matt had a fairly easy time becoming friends with nicky, kevin, and aaron, mostly because once all the issues in their respective lives had been somewhat solved they were more open to branching out

andrew was another matter

matt was beginning to see andrew differently because of the way neil talked about him, and also because of the way renee was starting to talk about him (she used to be more private about their friendship)

hearing about andrew’s devotion to the people he cares about reminds matt a LOT of himself, so one day he finds him alone in the dorms and properly apologizes to him for how he used to be treated by the team

he makes it clear that he understands if andrew isn’t interested in being friends with them, but matt is willing to give it a try if he is

nothing happens for a few days, and then during practice renee calls matt over to join in on a “debate” she and andrew are having on their stroll around the court

matt has the earth shattering realization that andrew is hilarious

and not only does the man have some serious deadpan comedy going on, he’s also wildly intelligent and profound

(unbeknownst to him, andrew has also been hearing about matt from renee and neil, and perhaps….he is a little curious)

the other foxes are so weirded out because during practice matt will just be chilling next to andrew and then suddenly burst into laughter

neil is Very Happy about this

the two of them start having more one-on-one conversations, and they actually get along really well?? matt is a good listener, and he has this way of getting andrew to talk that surprises both of them

but they also very quickly master the art of just sitting in comfortable silence and keeping each other company while they both do homework or something

matt also figures out oh. andrew’s expression does change. you just have to look very closely. it’s all in the eyes!!

andrew, during rooftime, staring into space and Thinking Hard: “why the fuck does matt keep on staring at me” 

neil, flicking gravel off the ledge, barely thinking at all: “he’s not staring he just wants to know how you feel” 

andrew, realizing he’s gonna add a 6′4 himbo to his Protection List: “shit”

they have a very deep understanding of each other

there is more to matt than just the outgoing chaotic extroverted friend

he gets so deeply invested in his friends and sometimes it overwhelms him because he doesn’t know what to do!! he doesn’t know where to put all of his love for them!! kinda like that mary oliver poem

and he was so lonely growing up because both of his parents were pretty absent (but his relationship with his mom got stronger in middle school) and he always feels like he doesn’t deserve the foxes

so he quietly pours all of himself into them, into buying their favorite snacks when they’re sad, listening as they vent, giving them the last of his water at practice, just being the Ultimate Dad Friend

and andrew gets it. he really gets it.

in the girls’ senior year the team takes another road trip to a skiing lodge, and it is an absolutely perfect week of nothing but a good time

at some point matt mumbles something about needing to call his mom and disappears and andrew gives him like 5 minutes before he goes to check on him

matt is curled up with his earbuds in and trying to Deal With His Emotions because he knows nothing lasts forever but he wants it to last forever

he remembers the days when his parents were happy together and they were a proper family and how it can all fall apart overnight

andrew nudges him with his foot and he looks so unimpressed but matt knows better

“matthew. hey matthew. matthew donovan. matthew donovan boy-” “i’m fine just vibing” “if you think we are going to leave you then you are even stupider than i thought.” 

they go back to the rest of their team together

their friendship quickly turns into a “YOU ALWAYS TAKE CARE OF EVERYONE ELSE BUT WHO IS GOING TO TAKE CARE OF YOU?? ME!! I AM GOING TO TAKE CARE OF YOU!!” type thing

and then it eventually becomes a “let’s take care of ourselves but together ❤” type thing

whenever one of his friends sits next to him, matt reflexively rests his arm along the back of their chair/the sofa

it’s not at all territorial or patronizing, it’s just his brain responding to friend is near!! and all the other foxes think it’s kinda funny

one day andrew sits down next to him in the lounge, and matt’s arm twitches, but he stops himself because he is always very mindful of other people’s boundaries

andrew, not looking up from his phone: “it’s fine.” 

a photo of the two of them ends up on the lounge wall the next day, matt turning away to hide a giant grin with his arm chilling along the back of the couch, andrew’s expression flat but his body relaxed

matt says it’s probably his favorite photo

(neil agrees)