Okay I Feel Like I Want To Make A Definitive Ranking Of Which Of The Gods Are The Best, Parent-wise.

okay i feel like i want to make a definitive ranking of which of the gods are the best, parent-wise. I honestly think Dionysus and Hades should be at the top and obviously Zeus at rock bottom but i need a full list

I am officially obsessing over this. There is so much I want to say on it so this might get a little bit long. I think, firstly, this would become a thing post-titan war. After Percy points out the godly parents suck the gods are, of course, a little indignant and start arguing about it like:

“He wasn’t talking about ME! He clearly meant you-”

“Um. No? I claim my kids-”

“He is Poseidon’s son so he’s talking about Poseidon!”

“I’m sorry, but no? My son thinks I’m awesome?”

And eventually the demigods kind of jokingly come up with a list and the gods get SUPER competitive over it. After realizing this, the demigods offer to make a real list because it kind of would be good to let the gods know how their kids think of them, but they have to be like ‘uhhhh we’re not going to smited over this, right?’ and once they are reassured the list is made. It actually changes a lot because their parents are... you know, working on it, but Zeus’ name is 100% at the bottom of the list always. He tries to be like ‘look, I have one Greek daughter and she isn’t even there-”

Except Thalia 100% visits CHB specifically to make sure his name is at the bottom and eventually when Jason gets to CHB he just kinda looks at the list and is like ‘...fair enough. Btw I know we’re all mad at Hera, but I like her so can we just put her above Zeus?’ so Hera is added onto the list for the sole purpose of being placed over her husband.

Ares is always at the bottom too. Frank tries to make a case for him, but CHB is adamant that Mars might be different, but this is Ares and he sucks so to the bottom he goes. Percy has never forgiven him for how he treated Clarisse (especially in Sea of Monsters), so if she isn’t there then he personally makes sure he remains there. Ares, in turn, has tried to win over his kids bc of this and gets bumped up a few times, but the highest he’s ever gotten is spot #7.

Hades is smug af bc Nico will every so often casually walk over and put his name at the top of the list with absolutely no explanation. He just does it and it’s kind of their thing bc while Hades and Nico don’t actively talk about that stuff they know the other tries really hard so that’s how they show appreciation. Everyone is SO bitter at Hades over it... especially Poseidon lol.

Percy is usually chill with keeping his dad high on the chart, but he’ll also knock him down for petty reasons. Like, Annabeth might comment that she went to the beach and the water was kind of cold and Percy is like ‘whoops, I guess dad gets knocked down two places’ and Poseidon is mad af because ‘I THOUGHT YOUR FATAL FLAW WAS LOYALTY, BUT WHATEVER’ (In truth, Poseidon acts bitter, but knows its not a serious thing for them bc Percy and him have reached the point where they can be a tad more upfront with each other if there's a problem)

Anyways. Before i ramble too much, here are current rankings + some godly commentary :D (I fully suspect everyone has different opinions on this so just remember this isn’t concrete and obviously I messed around with the circumstances a little to make it more fun *cough* sorry, Poseidon):

1. Artemis

Apollo: That’s cheating! She doesn’t even have kids! The huntresses just come and put her name at the top!

Artemis: I can’t help my huntresses think of my as family, brother.

Apollo: You shouldn’t even be counted. Whatever.

2. Hades

Hermes: I think that’s cheating too! His kid lives with him in the Underworld. That isn’t even supposed to be allowed-

Demeter: Did the girl have a say in this? Clearly, this is just the di Angelo boy’s work.

Hades: Is the di Angelo boy not my son? I can’t help that he is fond of me. And Hazel is Roman so her relationship with Pluto doesn’t count-

Zeus: IF ROMANS DON’T COUNT THEN TAKE JASON’S PETTY VOTE FOR HERA OFF OF THE CHART!

3. Dionysus 

Aphrodite: He lived with his boys for a long time AND he runs the camp. Hardly fair.

Hermes: Once again, the living situation dictates too much!

Dionysus: Stay mad (:

4. Hermes

Hermes: Really?!?! Yesssss I knew all my visits would pay off!!!

Apollo: ...alright, fine. You worked really hard after Luke. Congrats, Hermes.

Hermes: (: (: (:

Apollo: THE OTHER THREE ARE STILL A SHAM THO!!!!

5. Apollo: 

Apollo: YES!! I FINALLY PASSED ATHENA! TAKE THAT, NERD-

Dionysus: I kind of thought you would be higher after your time as a mortal, Apollo...

Apollo: Yeah, Will told me I’ll get bumped up eventually, but it is kind of hard to really keep up the ‘dad-vibe’ when you’re the same age as them and also keep stealing their clothes :/

Hephaestus: Fair enough.

6. Athena: 

Athena: Once Annabeth and I are on stable terms then I will rise to the top again. Patience is a virtue with these things-

Poseidon: Or maybe you can remember you have other children.

Athena: I’m sorry, what was that #8?

Poseidon: It is NOT my fault that my child is temperamental-

Hermes: Of course it’s your fault! Where the Hell do you think he gets it from?

7. Hephaestus:

Hermes: Pretty good considering you’re not a big socializer, Hephaestus! 

Apollo: Honestly, he might be higher up, but I noticed while at camp that his kids get sidetracked and forget to vote a lot.

Aphrodite: Oh, yeah, totally. My kids are the same way-

Hephaestus: Uh huh, sure.

8. Poseidon

Hades: You’re in number eight? What did you do to piss off your son this time?

Poseidon: Mind your own business, Hades.

Apollo: He didn’t wish Estelle happy birthday.

Poseidon: She isn’t even my child! Why do I have to like her-

9. Aphrodite

Aphrodite: I was higher up last week! What happened?!

Athena: You claimed another child.

Aphrodite: So?

Athena: So that child met Drew Tanaka.

Aphrodite: ...ah.

10. Demeter

Hades: You might get higher if you shut up about Persephone every once in awhile, sister.

Demeter: Shut up, Hades.

11. Ares

Everyone: Yeah, makes sense

Ares: WHAT?!

Aphrodite: Darling, remember when you told your daughter that your sons would do a better job on her quest?

Ares: REMEMBER WHEN HADES TOLD NICO THAT HE PREFERRED HIS DEAD SISTER OVER HIM?!

Hades: Okay, yeah, I messed up there, but have you considered that I gave him a chauffeur?

12. Hera

Hephaestus: I hope you know that’s a token spot, mother.

Hera: As long as I’m above your father, it’s fine.

13. Zeus

Zeus: Apollo... did you put my name at the bottom?

Apollo: Father, it was already there! But I did contribute to making sure it stayed there, yes. You turned me into a mortal, I don’t know what you were expecting.

Artemis: I also put it at the bottom.

Ares: Same.

Hermes: Same.

Athena: Same.

Hephaestus: Same.