Tony Stark + Grief

Tony Stark + grief

I’ve been thinking a lot about Tony’s characteristics and how he shows grief/emotional distress, and I haven’t seen anyone else mention it on here so far, but I just think it’s really important and worth mentioning.

One of the best examples of this is what happens to Pepper in IM3. We first watch Tony find out that she’s being experimented on by the Mandarin - the love of his life is in extreme pain - and his reaction? 

He flinches. Like full-on grimaces and shuts his eyes and turns away. It’s not exactly the reaction you’d expect. There’s no shouting or hurling of insults. His pain manifests as denial, like he’s trying to wish it away. I have never witnessed a character embody the term “ to bottle up your emotions" so thoroughly before.  

Exhibit b. Pepper falls into the fire shortly afterwards. Tony is watching the love of his life crash to her supposed doom, and…what does he do? He stares in horror, (quiet, gut-wrenching horror) then turns his head and closes his eyes. 

It’s the same deal as exhibit A! His reaction to Pepper’s supposed death is so knee-jerk and vulnerable, but it is also entirely silent. 

Think about that. Like, think really hard about that. How many characters have you witnessed portray loss like this? Because I can’t think of a single one. 

Not many actors are talented enough to show that level of heartache and sorrow without any dialogue as well as RDJ can. 

Alright, last but not least:

Exhibit c. When Rhodey falling to the ground in CACW. 

This one is not quite the same as the other two. After Rhodes crashes, Tony sits there with him, obviously internalizing his grief and panic, breathing heavy, staring around as though he’s confused or dumbstruck that this could’ve happened - how did he let this happen?? 

The anger on his face is apparent. Anger with Cap, maybe even with Vision - almost certainly anger at himself. 

It’s a perfectly reasonable time for him to shout and hurl insults, but he is, once more, silent.

I’m probably missing some examples. 

My long-winded point is: 

When I was watching Avengers: IW for the first time, I remember I felt sort of…underwhelmed by the ending. Granted, I hadn’t watched any Marvel movies except Black Panther in a very long time, so I was super out of touch, but when Peter was turning to ash, I remember thinking that something was missing, and I remember feeling Tony’s reaction to Peter’s “death” was almost a let-down. 

Where was the theatrics? Where was the emotion? The crying and the shouting? 

But then I re-watched all the movies, and I saw how Tony grieves and experiences loss. His silence isn’t a lack of emotion. It’s just the way he is. I think traditionally we see grief and loss portrayed on the big screen in very loud, agonized, crying scenes. Heartfelt screaming, painful sobs. 

But Tony doesn’t do any of that - and it’s such a profound layer to his character, one that had to be intentional and thought-out. 

So when Peter has turned to ash and Tony just sits there quietly, it’s so reminiscent of how he acted when Pepper “died”. 

Even before that, when Tony tells Peter “you’re okay”, we got to see that same instinctive knee-jerk sense of denial once more. 

Like he wants to just will Peter’s impending doom away. 

I don’t blame him for trying. 

After all, if anyone is strong enough to will someone to not die, it’s Tony Stark.