I'm Shitting Tears Rn

Bills dread era definitely makes me feel something….

Just look at him, how could you not fall in love ????

混濁した気持ち掠れる燈

synopsis: before my good will crumbled away, i should have told you everything. those words play like a broken record in geto suguru's mind as he walks away from jujutsu tech knowing there's no way that he's going back. not after everything. he can't free himself from this, so why live the way that he wants before the chains bring him down and he loses himself? where shall i go tomorrow? his mind questions. but he knows he has no home, not anymore. his only home was you.

word count:

author's thoughts: i just needed to make this angst right after trying to make it a college!au, sorry to my friend who loves geto too much, and sorry to everyone who hates geto angst lol. but listening to akari is going to kill me and the english translation breaks my heartttttt ... you stupid monkeys. bring geto back to life or everyone dies right now by my hand. this used to be called 'メロンパンのキス' someone murder me

going to tag @aphelioszn @kaiserkisser and @h4nman <3 if you want to be part of my new taglist, just send me an ask!

if you'd like to be on my taglist for jjk or any other fandom that i write for (genshin, hsr, bllk, and snippets of my own new novel, red blood black skies), just shove an ask up my box!

it was around the later part of the year of 2006, you believe it was.

all four of you, the second-years, were stupid teens who didn't know a single thing about what they were doing, just going along for the fun of it. especially gojo satoru and his best friend, geto suguru.

the latter just happening to be the very same person that you looked up to, the very same person that you expressed strong feelings for.

it was a day when all of you were out with the first-years, cans of cola being passed around and the boys searching aimlessly under vending machines just for a precious glimpse of coins; spare change that the monkeys of the public did not wish to find.

you remember suguru screaming something about not being paid enough, and gojo telling him that he was from 'an underling clan' and 'broke' in bursts of jokingly irritating phrases.

you remember suguru taking none of it seriously, just hiding under the vending machine more, his hair messy and falling out of its bun. you remember going under there with him, laughing and searching for coins while the dust from the pavement and the underside of the vending machine littered itself all over the both of you.

it was just another day where the spring of youth beat down its warm sun on the crazy lot of you, another day of pure, serene immaturity. another day, where the sunshine that made up satoru, suguru, shoko, kento, and haibara would always tag along with whatever new stupid thing you were doing. all before everything else happened.

you wished those days would come back - especially that day. that day, when geto suguru taught you to kiss.

it was the same day that you were both hiding under the vending machine.

you brush yourself off, hands getting coated with a thin layer of dust, all coming off from your jujutsu tech uniform. "ew, the dust got all over me. how come you always manage to look so clean? you were there with me under the vending machine, weren't you?"

suguru looks back at him, raising an eyebrow. "oh? i thought i was pretty messed up as well. i guess i'm not alone now, y/n." his words drawl out, most probably because of the heat that radiates completely from the air around you, humid and almost dewy, sweet to the touch and taste. he smiles, and you swear that the world brightens up by a thousand times, at least.

then, suddenly, his hand's on your cheek, rubbing off some of the dust that was on there. it's a weirdly cliché scene, but it's a scene that you'll take - mostly since it's suguru doing it. but, oh, if it was anyone else, they'd be taking punches to their face and kicks between their legs. "you got a little .. somethin' on your cheek, so ... yeah."

you never thought that geto suguru could be awkward in any way. he was always so suave about everything he did, whether it was playing basketball with satoru, or whether he was disobeying yaga's orders. but right now, in this moment, he was awkward. sweat threatens to fall down his face, and not just from the heat of the atmosphere. suguru fiddles with his fingers, chuckling softly. you look at him, almost startled by the sound.

"what were you just doing?" you can hardly believe it, your lips hardly stretching apart to create the mere sounds of these words. "i mean, i'm not .. like ... saying that that was bad ... but still. what was that?"

"can you not get hints, or do you just not watch romance movies?" suguru brings you closer to him, and you grin.

"i can bet that you watch less romance movies than me, sugu. most of the time, you're on the hub. don't think i don't know you're watching girls get .. y'knowed ... out of their minds while pretending you're doing something cool with satoru." you sigh. "you know that stuff makes me uncomfortable."

"hey, look, if it makes you uncomfortable, then i'll gladly stop it. you're my first priority, y/n. even before shoko, even before satoru. heck, i'd give up my cursed technique just to make sure you're safe. not that i want it in the first place."

"eating balls made of curses is cool, though. also manages to give you some practise for the future, hmm? like kissing. i haven't ever kissed someone before, and when i do, in the future, i bet i'll be so bad at it that the person i'm kissing won't want to be with me anymore once they taste my lips."

"i'm sure that no one will do that. anyway, curses taste bad. like, really bad. like ... a rag that's used to wipe up vomit and shit, that's pretty much it. and as for the no kissing thing, how come you haven't kissed anyone before? you seem like a nice person - hell, the best person i've met in the jujutsu society. everyone else either just wants money, or are narcissists, or even more than that."

"yeah, i guess. but no one likes me in that way, not when they get to know me like you do. no one could ever."

"that's not true. that could never be true. i could prove that you're wrong, right here, right now." his stance straightens up, and suguru squares his shoulders slightly, eager to prove his point.

"and what do you mean by that?" you want your comment to sound teasing, but apparently, to suguru, it's a cry that you really can't get any of the messages that he screams at you with each action, each word, each letter. he's almost exasperated with you, until suguru realises - he can't be exasperated with you. every second, every minute with you is a refreshment to him, a reminder that maybe, not everyone out there is bad.

but sometimes, his second thoughts still take over.

"you really can't take any hints, don't you?" suguru smirks. "then ... let me teach you to kiss. so whatever or whoever's your future partner will know. you're good at smooching."

suguru makes this topic sound innocent, almost childlike, in a sense. but then again, you guys were old enough to talk about this stuff. it wasn't a time to put topics like love and crushes aside. you wouldn't get a chance to gossip about it when you were older, especially not when all of you were budding jujutsu sorcerers.

"so, what you're saying is ... you want me to practise kissing. with you?" it sounds like a lucid dream, one that you would make up in the middle of the night when your thoughts are just occupied by suguru and geto suguru only. it's a trend for you, but you never thought that it would actually happen in real life. suguru ... asking you to kiss him.

but it was only just a practise, right? it was nothing more than that. plus, the others were all off getting hamburgers or something. the whole scene was just suguru and you, so there was nothing to be ashamed about. of course, whenever anything was to do with suguru, there was never going to be anything to be ashamed or embarrassed about in the first place.

"yes? isn't that basically what i just said?"

"yeah. i just ... couldn't comprehend it for a second." suguru seems eager. way too eager for your taste. but who are you to reject it when it's a cute guy with cute raven-coloured bangs asking for a kiss?

it was just one, wasn't it? there was nothing wrong, and though your inhibitions told you not to, that they tugged at you and told you something was going to go wrong, you oblige.

"you initiate or i initiate?" suguru's question is straightforward, but you have a hard time understanding it. or maybe it wasn't the understanding bit, but rather, the acting bit. if you start the kiss, then it would be awkward, as you didn't know how to kiss. if suguru starts the kiss, on the other hand, it would always be awkward, because you didn't know how to kiss.

you point to him, seeing that there's no other solution.

he nods, almost as if he knows what he's doing (suguru looks like he knows what he's doing, in reality, he doesn't), and leans in, letting a hand escape to the back of your head and stay there, not willing to move. his other arm snakes around your waist, and you swear that a shiver runs down your spine at that very moment.

and, without even thinking about it, you wrap your arms around his neck. you two already look like a proper couple, and yet, it was just a kiss. just a practise, a tryout that suguru had decided to just ... pop the idea out of nowhere.

"three, two, one." his voice echoes in your ears with each countdown of each number, and you find yourself drowning in every tone, in every inflection that his voice creates, in an illusion of truth and false, a line in the sand that you can no longer make out.

and then your lips crash messily, and in that split-second, that fracture in time that can't be repaired, you realise, as well, that suguru has no experience in kissing. you don't know what he was thinking, getting you to believe that he was amazing at this subject and was going to guide you along the way to pressing your lips against someone else's, but in this moment, you realise that he's just a newbie.

but he's just as willing as you to kiss.

you both pull apart, and the only words that escape your mouth are, "you've never kissed someone apart from me, have you?"

and his only words are, "yeah. you caught me, y/n."

before you know it, another kiss comes between the two of you. and within the space of another minute, a few more. and a few more. and a few more, so many that you can't count. with each one comes a sense of improvement, a sense that things might get better with each love-filled sensation.

deep inside your mind, though, you know. this sensation won't last. this sensation will be a one-off, and then it'll never happen again. enjoy it while it lasts, l/n y/n.

after that moment, time seemed to just run away for all of you. there was no sense of days, weeks, months.

just the same little time loop, repeated again and again and again until you all dived into oblivion and crumbled into dust in what seemed like a shakespearean tragedy. no more was the blue spring of youth. it faded in all of your minds.

from what you recall, it all started with the introduction of act 1 of the 'amanai riko' play - the play that would soon evolve to become the 'premature death' play, and even more.

you didn't know anyone who would be brave enough to give up their whole position in life to become the star plasma vessel. master tengen was bad enough, so why would you just ... throw away everything for the sake of the jujutsu world? why not just live your life as a free person instead of dedicating your own heart and soul?

but you never got a chance to ask riko, and even in the times when you did want to question, it was already too late for that.

and, oh, the sounds were so loud. every shout, every scream, every fall from a building, every save, every cup of tea drank, every new person beat up by the best friend duo, everything. and those sounds only got worse as you headed further and further into the play. they rolled around and had fun in your mind, and only became louder with every step you took, every breath you heaved out.

if there was one thing that you knew about jujutsu sorcerers now, it was that they were selfish. and, before, you honestly thought that you weren't. but, usually, when a person thinks that they are not something, they most probably are. and it was too late, after he left, that you realised - you were just like the rest of them.

selfish. self-centred. unable to see what was going on around themself.

especially when it came to suguru. you failed to see just the direction he was going in. but how could you? he was fine during the mission, but the moment .. she .. fell down, dead, something snapped. but he still stayed around, so it probably wasn't that moment that made him make that choice.

it must have been something after that, you think. loneliness under crying, loneliness under crying, a cycle that he hid from the lot of you. it made you wonder - did suguru ever really trust you the way he should? did he see you as friends in the first place? or were you guys just people who would, in the end, disappear from his life?

bang went the gun. both you and suguru merely stare as the figure in front of you falls to the floor, landing on her side, a bloody patch forming on both sides of her skull.

amanai riko almost looks like a perfect little mannequin, except the fact that her headband has now been ripped by the sheer force of the bullet shooting through her head and exiting through the other side.

it was cruel. no, it was more than cruel. you could hardly describe the scene even years later; it was just too terrifying for anything of the sort.

if the context of riko dying wasn't existent, it would be almost comical and ... humorous ... to see suguru's expression change from a sweet smile, asking riko to come back with him to the upper world, to live the life that she truly wanted ... to horror as she tried to take his hand, but failed as she was shot. your hands drop to your sides, not sure what to do.

just a few seconds earlier, it seemed like .. it seemed that everything would be okay. that the light would take over the darkness and everything would be fine. you'd would get riko up there and you'd live your days happy - with satoru, shoko, kento, haibara - and of course, suguru.

just a few seconds earlier, you were actually relieved for once in your lifetimes.

suguru's eyes drift down to the girl on the floor, and within split-seconds, realise that there's no going back for her. even in this silence, he knows.

if he tries to save her, there's no point. but if he stands there, the guilt will end up filling his systems and overspilling. therefore, the only choice right now is to attack the guy that shot riko.

he looks at you, unsure. but you don't give him an answer, whether it's with your facial expression or your words. so you've changed as well, he thinks. maybe you weren't the right person, then. maybe you really just .. didn't want to be here with him and really was just using him for your own purposes.

maybe you really hated him, like how he thought that everyone else hated him. satoru looked like he liked suguru enough, but not enough to try and save him from this abyss, save him like a best friend should save their other best friend from something that was attacking them and eating them from the inside-out. but how could someone save someone else from their own persona?

suguru didn't know. they should have figured it out themselves.

in a way, sorcerers were just as bad as monkeys. it wasn't just the selfishness that all of them adopted for no singular reason, it was even more than that. it was the fact that they didn't care - didn't care about anyone else, whether they were close to the sorcerer themself or not. there was no way that they could care about anyone else ... because this world wouldn't allow it.

the moment you cared for somebody else, the 'silly' story that you were living ... just dissipated. everything would just crumble - all the goodwill, all the cheerfulness, and everything left was a barren land of regret and darkness. at least, that was what suguru now saw of the world.

maybe, once upon a time, he'd look upon your blushing face and laugh. once upon a time, he'd be content with what was going on, and smile along with the others. but now, when satoru asked him how he was, he'd say nothing. he'd hide in the shadows and use that darkness to try and cover up, try to erase all the curses that rose up inside of him.

every time he tried consuming a curse, it would come back to bite him in the ass. that power, all that power, would turn against him. suguru could feel it, crying out and writhing inside of him like there was no end. but there was going to be an end - just not for the curses, for him.

bang went the foot on his face as fushiguro toji stepped on him. suguru felt his consciousness waver, and his walls get wrecked. sleeping, sleeping, sleeping until the brand-new morning, his mind told him.

the brand-new morning, when he would finally be able to escape from the very same place that had sheltered him from the rest of his inner thoughts, and brought them away from him so that the ploy of 'geto suguru' would somewhat be sane.

he wished that everything would change. but no matter how much he wished, he wouldn't be able to change his feelings.

you cut the memory short. you don't want to remember that. your mind switches back to better memories - heated nights but nothing more than makeout sessions - hugs and cuddles - suguru benchpressing you while you read a book - the first time both of you got caught smooching each other by shoko and satoru - falling into suguru's arms as you failed to attack him using your cursed technique, and even more.

but there were times when he'd go missing - for longer than any of you would wish he'd go for. you knew his heart hurt - more than it should be hurting, but you never knew why. was it because riko died? was it because his apparent 'moral argument' wasn't really a moral argument after all? was it because you'd all pushed him to the brink and left him there, unable to help?

and suguru was only the first of the losses. your mind was unable to recognise anyone else that died - it was all a blur, a replaying of the recording of suguru leaving all of you. you wished that, the day that he met up with shoko ... you wished that that was you. you didn't know why you wished that he'd talk to you instead of shoko.

maybe it was because he was no longer comfortable with you, that he didn't trust you anymore. maybe it was because he knew that you would immediately try to fight him, to bring him back to the person that you knew he could be. but to suguru, he knew that he couldn't be a person that he'd left behind ages ago.

monkeys had changed him. so, in the end, the only thing he could do to make another one of those 'blue springs' was to massacre all monkeys and make sure none of them came back. 112 people, all gone.

there were so many more to go.

if it's worthless, then i'll just destroy it, his mind said to him that day. and, from then on, no matter who tried to call to him, they could never get him back.

geto suguru was no more than an illusion after that, someone who had no use for yesterday, only tomorrow, someone who had nothing to look for, had nothing left, someone who found no significance.

but if there was one, one single thing that he regretted, it was not telling you everything. everything, from the beginning, until the very end. would you accept him, then?

would you say the words that you were so obliged to say to him, or would you give suguru the answer that he dreaded so much? would it be a 'you aren't the only one going through this' or would it be a 'just who the fuck do you think you are?' or a 'are you faking this?'

you wonder, again, if this was all a ploy. you knew well enough that through his years at jujutsu tech, suguru had basically pretended to be the good kid. well, compared to satoru, anyone could be considered a good kid, so it wasn't a hard task.

but it was just something about him that made him different to the traditional class pet. was it his stupid bangs, or was it his deep eyes? was it his calm demeanour, or was it something more than that? you know that girls swarmed to him more than they swarmed to satoru (like that bruised his ego at all), but he never wanted them.

as you clasp your hands together, your mind slowly starts to malfunction, like the cogs and spirals that make up your brain have gone completely. it just might be a sign, you realise. a sign telling you that you should stop thinking about him.

because no matter how you try to picture it, and no matter how you try to make it seem better in your dreams, nothing will change.

a/n: shoko is an underrated character and i should have put her more in this fic ....... asdfghjjggff so much geto angst

SO ITTY BITTY

🦁️👼🌟

I can never message someone, I'm so socially awkward 😔😔😔🐎☝

another angsty geto fic coming out, maybe later today or tomorrow

HOW CAN MEDIA MAKE HIM LOOK LIKE A VILLAIN

I love Max so much 💙

Imnhavinhwithdrawalsympotms

CILLIAN MURPHY, M le Magazine du Monde

F u c k

FIA penalty system is a joke because for them:

saying "fuck" = 10.000 € fine

changing the tyre pressure before the race = 5.000 € fine

I MIGHT, be able to make this 🙏🙏🙏🙏,but I'm still busy with school 😔

Is it too much to ask someone to write a lestappen fic based on “Agora Hills” by Doja Cat? That song has been all over my fyp 😭

Like one of them really wants to get caught kissing and wants to show the other off too 🙏🏻 maybe max wants to do it after the pics we got of Charles from the Ferrari gala in NYC.

give me an exact time, date, hour, minute, second, millisecond GRRRRRRR

another angsty geto fic coming out, maybe later today or tomorrow

I don't get why they still let the drivers out, knowing the horrible weather conditions, Lando said half of the drivers were at the medical after the race, like wtf

*sigh*

This temperature shit is the reason why Logan retired, okay?