“I Am Kind To Those Who Are Kind To Me, And Of Course That Comes Easily. I Try To Stay Kind To Those

i lost friends and money this year, i just want the money back.

thank you so much

You thought but this isn’t what you really want

I thought this was the life I wanted, but here I am, waking up to the same old walls, and phone calls from unknown numbers.

I thought this was the life I wanted, going to a city that seemed like home, but it’s hard to call these people a friend of my own. it’s hard to fall for those whose intentions brings shivers down my spine, and a trigger in my mind.

I thought this was the life I wanted, that freedom I once craved, to live wild and free without the fears of my childhood. I believed this was the place I was meant to be, but along the way, I blended in with the crowd and became who they wanted me to be. This isn’t the life I wanted. The life I wanted was you and me, hearing the sound of your laugh, and waking up to your head rested on my chest, with my fingers running through your hair. The life I wanted was to be with you, the only one who made this mess feel alright, whose heart beat became my home.

—- Topaz Pantoja

July 22nd, 2018

You were like a warm day in the dead of winter. Beautifully out of place. A reminder of the better things.

J.c.A

I find it kinda therapeutic to find old photos of me that I like and crop the people out that have hurt me. It might sound petty, but I like that picture just not the person who turned out to be hurtful in it. Sorry not sorry 😊.

Some words to use when writing things:

winking

clenching

pulsing

fluttering

contracting

twitching

sucking

quivering

pulsating

throbbing

beating

thumping

thudding

pounding

humming

palpitate

vibrate

grinding

crushing

hammering

lashing

knocking

driving

thrusting

pushing

force

injecting

filling

dilate

stretching

lingering

expanding

bouncing

reaming

elongate

enlarge

unfolding

yielding

sternly

firmly

tightly 

harshly

thoroughly

consistently

precision

accuracy

carefully

demanding

strictly

restriction

meticulously

scrupulously

rigorously

rim

edge

lip

circle

band

encircling

enclosing

surrounding

piercing

curl

lock

twist

coil

spiral

whorl

dip

wet

soak

madly

wildly

noisily

rowdily

rambunctiously

decadent

degenerate

immoral

indulgent

accept

take

invite

nook

indentation

niche

depression

indent

depress

delay

tossing

writhing

flailing

squirming

rolling

wriggling

wiggling

thrashing

struggling

grappling

striving

straining

“Thank you for everything. Whenever you tell me that you love me, it has always given me so much strength.”

— Manga: Hananoi-kun to Koi no Yamai (Vol. 002, Ch. 008)

“Is there life after death? Nobody knows for certain if there is life after death, or if life ends when our heart stops beating. I believe that our earthly life is both a gift and a blessing from God. Consider for a moment, the billions of potential human lives that have never been given an opportunity to hear a bird sing or to smell a flower or to watch a sunset or to experience love. Certainly, everyone should be able to appreciate the fact that we are alive, and to be grateful for our existence, right? Then why are so many people depressed and seemingly ungrateful? Perhaps we set unrealistic expectations for ourselves and for others. Or maybe we are simply too selfish and self-centered to appreciate the significance of our life, or to appreciate the inherent abilities that we possess to make the world better, or even to take the time to acknowledge the beauty that surrounds us. Or is it that we just do not care and are ambivalent and too lazy to manage our fears and prejudices in order to control our negative thoughts and dysfunctional and self-destructive behaviors? Whatever the reason, our unwillingness or inability to appreciate our existence, does not alter the absolute truth that we experienced birth and it is our destiny to also experience death. Try as we might, death cannot be avoided. The beauty of death is that ALL humans will experience death at some point, and nothing that humans can say or do, will ever change that universal truth or outcome. Death conquers all, whether we approve or not. For me personally, death is the “great equalizer.” No matter your status, wealth, education, attitude, accomplishments, sins, strength, size, intellect or physical beauty; every human who is alive in this moment, will ultimately experience death. And so, there are two reasons why I believe in a magnanimous, loving and merciful God: (1) God created life and (2) God created death. And…both of these events are predetermined and therefore we have no choice in who, what, when, where, or why. Now that’s what I consider an intelligent design created by the hand of God. The truth is that God’s love for all life can be understood by this axiom: life suffers death and is reborn again. There are many examples of life reborn that occur within nature as reflected in our four seasons, where winter represents death, and spring represents a rebirth of new life. This continuous life cycle is proof that God’s love for us is both infinite and omnipresent. God’s unconditional love is clearly on display whenever a new born baby is delivered into a cold and calculating world that may or may not receive this gift of life with a corresponding measure of love and affection. And the baby’s response to its unfamiliar environment is to express its anxiety and fear by crying, until it receives the warmth of tender arms and an assurance that the transition from their mother’s womb into its new world is safe and secure. Birth is simply one of the many challenges that a person will need to confront and manage throughout their entire life. And yet, isn’t this first experience, an unavoidable reality that all humans must experience? Isn’t birth and death part of our shared human experience that we should all celebrate? So God lovingly provides a young child an opportunity to exist and only asks that the child will do his or her best and to love others as his son Jesus loved us. And in return for this gift of life, God also knows that we have an earthly life expectancy and that when we experience death, we will not know the day or the time of its arrival. Yet, God has commanded that we prepare ourselves for this final journey. And we can only anticipate and imagine the joy that awaits us upon making this transition. And so we entered this world in the same way that we will leave it i.e. unexpectedly and with reservation, not understanding why we were born or why we must die; when, in fact, we were never asked to be born in the first place. How unfair and cruel this must seem to some people. So what do we do? How do we deal with this life…this reality….this world that we had no choice in becoming actors in? An analogy might help us to understand. People say that cats cannot swim, right? So given that assumption, one might conclude that if you place a cat in water, that it will drown, right? That is not what happens at all. In fact, if you place a cat that has never seen water, into the water, it will swim to save its own life. I perceive life in a similar way; for example, when a baby is born and placed into an environment that is harsh, cold and often times abusive and uncaring, the child will learn to eat, walk and talk. Why? The obvious answer is because the child has no choice. Actually, the child has two choices i.e. The child can decide, for whatever reason, that they do not want to walk or the child can decide that it is in its own best interest to learn to walk. In either case, the child must make a decision and choose whether or not he or she will make the effort to learn how to walk. Here is our dilemma, as humans attempting to navigate this chaotic and dysfunctional world we live in. - Birth - We were born and this event occurred without our expressed consent. - Life - We live in a complex world that on the one hand claims that all life is equal but then creates laws that favor one group over another group and intentionally discriminates based upon race, color, gender, education, intellect, physical attributes, religion, ethnicity, etc. In fact, these ideological groups are so dysfunctional that they cannot even agree when life begins, so they create and justify arbitrary laws that punish and eliminate certain groups of people while simultaneously justifying their ambiguity and disingenuous set of beliefs. But…there is another group of individuals comprised of thoughtful people who are logical and analytical in their reasoning and ability to solve problems, whether technical, mechanical or human. We call these individuals: doctors, physicists, engineers, philosophers, scientists, etc. The difference between a politician and a scientist is that a true scientist makes decisions based upon scientific evidence and not emotion or politics; while a politician makes decisions, forms opinions, and passes laws based upon emotion, politics, power, money, greed and self-interest. - Death – As we are born, so too will we experience death. Said differently, death awaits us all. This is why I believe in God. How could we truly live or learn to appreciate life without the knowledge that death awaits us? Does death not provide a sense of urgency or perhaps provide some of us with a motivation to create, to contribute, and to love ourselves, while also taking the risk to love others? For without death, life would be meaningless. And so death, gives life meaning in the same way that silence gives music meaning. So, the next time you are wondering why you exist, or whether or not life is worth living, try reversing the question, and contemplate why you die, and if death is worth living for. Then ask this question: What choice do I have? I believe in God because of his unconditional love for his creation, and because he sent his son Jesus to educate us, and to suffer and die to save us from our own sins; but, I also believe that God’s greatest gift to humankind, is Free Will. It is almost incomprehensible to imagine the love that a father has for his children, where he would give them the free will necessary to make their own choices in life, knowing full well that these life choices could result in injury or even death. And yet, GOD gave his children free will so that they might learn from their experiences. Remember, no matter what happens in your life, or how impossible or difficult your life experience may be, GOD has given you Free Will so that you can make your own choices and learn from your personal experiences. Happy New Year 2020”

—

“Free Will” by Nico and Photography by Jude Beck

😌😌😌