Cherry Red Aesthetic

— BUT WHEN YOU PULL THE TRIGGER, IT FEELS SO RIGHT

RECEIVERS。stalker!nikolai gogol x fem!reader

WISHCARD。He is just watching quietly and does nothing other than keep his eyes still. He is enjoying the sight—you look very his, just existing, standing still like a good baby doll, like you are fucking his, in his room, in his place—“You look so mine.”

BOUQUET。stalker au, 18+ content, dark content, harsh languages, dubious consent, heavy depictions of violence and blood, limbs mutilation, gun violence, emotional manipulation, toxic relationship, smell fetish/olfactophilia, male masturbation, cunnilingus, obsessive and possessive behaviour, hints of masochism, anxiety struggles, struggling to breathe, mentions of attempted suicide, heavy hints of stockholm syndrome, intentional repetitive words, everyone has fucking issues, dead dove do not eat (please read this add. notes!)

PRICE。approx. 25.2k

FREEGIFT。hit me right (johnny goth), manipulate (mxze, clarei), bathroom (montell fish), skins (the haunting) — spotify playlist

OTHER SHOP。also available in AO3

❝ Sometimes I wish you are the one who kill me. And perhaps by then, I won't feel regretful about it.

I have tried to push myself to the brink of death. But every time—every fucking time—the sight of you, the vision of our future, the moment of our encounter, all appear in my very fucking eyes, as if I'm living through the whole moment before my brain decides that I need to stay alive although my heart tries to keep me dead.

I can't die. I don't want to die. I don't want to leave you. I don't want to miss everything I can do with you. I do not want you to leave me. You're killing me and yet you're keeping me alive.

I used to say I would choose my own soul over my happiness. But lately, over the year, I find myself choosing you over anything. You are my death who gives me hell and the angel who gives me heaven. It's almost ridiculous how I still fall no matter how hard I try to isolate myself. I tried, my love, I tried to stay away from you. I tried to not chase over you. That is why I don't pursue you, only watching from afar for a year. But indeed, no matter how long I hold myself, you and your beauty, your face, your attitude, your hobbies, likes, dislikes, kinks, quirks, looks, presence and just your mere existence—they all pull me back to you. I swear, my love, I think God has fated you with me, so I would believe Him again. I think God sent you so I would feel something so strongly after I tried my very hardest to dim my emotions and empathy towards another human being. I used to hate you for that—how dare you!

And hereby, my little dove. I declare to you, from the bottom of my heart, I am hopelessly in love with you. I have envisioned our future together—in Hell and Heaven. I will take your hand every time you appear in my dream before I try to push my body to the brink of death. Run as far as you can and I’ll chase you. Hide as quiet as you can and I'll find you. Love as much as you can and I'll love you more.

I will always be with you.

P/S: I won't tell a soul about anything you have written in your journal. I like reading your experiences, your fantasies, your frustrations and your stories. Perhaps by the time you notice this secret note in your little book, we are already one with death. Ah, this is embarrassing to confess. ❞

― ♧

“Vanilla…”

You sniff slightly Nikolai's jacket that you got from your encounter with him in the haunted escape house. It still has his scent, albeit already fading over time. It has been days since that incident though.

Nikolai still ‘visits’ you. He has gotten so good at hiding himself now. Sometimes you do not see him at the window but then he will give you creepy messages about how you look so beautiful in just your skimpy panties. And then it hits you that he has been watching and he is around. He is just not in your sight.

“Come out if you have balls, bastard.” —you remember that message you gave him when he sent you a picture of yourself cooking. But he refused to leave his hiding and just kept bothering you with messages and pictures.

However, yesterday, he did come out. He appeared, sitting at the dining table with a cup of water. He has made himself too comfortable in your own house.

“What the fuck are you doing in my kitchen?!”

“You called me.”

And what ends up last night is just you bouncing on his cock shamefully.

Bam! — you slam the washer.

“Fuck you if you're watching me!” you shout out to nowhere. Just loud enough so Nikolai would hear you if he is around. You huff before you put away his jacket and start doing your laundry. It has been hard for you to keep doing your chores when all you can think of is your stalker who still wants to play this hide-and-chase game.

After you start the washer, you grab his jacket and look at the material. You know he is rich, somewhat. His accessories and his shirt are just from a luxurious brand. This jacket is also from a brand you recognise. You wonder if his circus business has been spiking up so much lately that he could afford such things.

Or maybe he does have another job. That would explain his criminal talents.

Suddenly you remember the early memories you had with Nikolai. You noticed him. And then you called the police on him, only for him to kill them. You actually did not know the police were killed until you came back to the station to make another report. The police on duty told you the story and it was easy for you to put the puzzles together.

You feel guilty still. You want to believe that you are not the reason for those police to be killed. But…

Ding! — the doorbell rings and you are snapped out of your daydream. You walk out of the laundry room and get to the door as it rings once more. You put Nikolai's jacket on the couch before you walk to the door. You take a peek through the peephole, expecting Nikolai. But surprisingly, it is a man you do not expect. You open the door, just a little.

“Alex?”

Alex smiles at you, but it does not look like a happy smile.

“May I come in?”

― ♧

“I just wanna ask…”

Alex is in your house now. You two are just standing. You hug Nikolai's jacket close to your body, seeking comfort in it. Alex does not look like his usual shy boy persona.

“Is it about what happened in the haunted escape house?” you cut him off before he could even open his mouth. He looks surprised when he hears that but regardless, he nods slowly.

“Can you… tell me everything?” Alex says. You purse your lips. He then looks at you and steps forward. “Please, I need to know.”

“You know enough.”

Alex brushes his hair back and seems to be frustrated. “That man who chased me with a fucking knife stalked me. He stalked me…! And you know him. I deserve to know everything..!” Alex pursues harder, making you flinch as his voice raises a bit. He takes a deep breath.

“Is he your lover?”

“No… No, he's not…”

Alex looks at you, visibly confused. But you remain silent. You do not want to give him the answers to everything. And this is for his own good too.

But this fucking man is insisting.

He grabs your arm, pulling you closer. You become tense as you eye him in caution. He says your name, softly, as if he is trying to reassure you.

“Listen. Listen to me. You can trust me ‘right? Please, just tell me the truth. I care about you. I know it's obvious already that I like you, in a… more romantic way… I do not try to lure you to like me back. I am genuinely worried and care for you. So please, tell me. Was that man your lover, or just someone you happened to sleep with? Who is he actually? Why did he stalk me? What kind of person you're involved with?” Alex demands as his grip on your arm gets tighter. You frown, starting to get frustrated by his action. He then shakes your arm, stepping closer to you until your body is practically brushing against him. You wince, trying to make a distance as you feel really uncomfortable with him right now.

“Let me go!”

“Not until you tell me the truth.”

I can't. I don't want anyone else to get murdered just because of me.

I don't want to put Nikolai in danger too.

Seeming to have failed trying to get his answers, Alex lets you go and sighs softly. He looks down to the floor, solemn. For a second, he glances at you, which makes you wonder if he has made any assumptions for himself.

“…. Can you leave?” you ask slowly. Alex looks surprised and he sighs once more before he backs away to the door. You trail him at a good distance and finally, he steps out of your house. Alex turns his head to you, eyebrows connected as he whispers,

“I promise I’ll help you.”

You say nothing, only looking at him. In the back of your head, a question pops up—something you have found weird for a while but never get the chance to ask it. It would be rude if you ask him now, expecting his honesty while you're also being dishonest to him. But still, you need to know if—

“I never tell anyone about myself that much, only for a selective few like the higher-ups. A friend from a different department in our office has no right to seek the other’s private confidential information,” you speak and Alex stops in his tracks. He eyes you, confused by your sudden change of topic. You press your lips together.

“Alex, how do you know where I live?”

Your eyes are on the ground, scared to look up to the man in front of you. You hear Alex sighs deeply and you glance at him, seeing that he is avoiding you.

“You were drunk, remember? Your friend told me…”

Is that so?

“Oh… Oh, yeah, that… makes sense, I guess,” you mumble. Alex gives you a small smile, nodding as if to affirm his words. But for some reason, your heart is screaming at you, panicked.

“I… I’ll go first… Goodnight… And yeah, I’ll... I will try to help you…” he says before he walks away, almost trying to leave the area as quickly as possible. You close the door and you lock it. You realise your hand has been shaking terribly.

You turn to the window where Nikolai would always be. But it's dark and empty. He is not here tonight.

Paranoia coursing in your head as you roam around your house, locking all the windows and doors. You turn off all lights and run to your room, where it's the safest place for you to be—well, not anymore. Not when Nikolai admitted he did hide in your closet once unnoticed.

“Get out!” you scream at the closed closet, expecting something but unfortunately, nothing happens. Nothing emerges. It's just you and your heavy breathing in your dark room.

“I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine—” the same words are repeated at the tip of your tongue as you try to make your bed and prepare to sleep. You need to sleep. You need to let your consciousness fade away. You need to escape to dream.

You palm your face, trying to calm your heart that is suddenly fearing everything. You sit on your bed, wrapping your whole body under the blanket, curling inside, legs close to the chest as if there's a monster under the bed.

You wonder what you should do in this situation. There is no normality in your life. Everything seems to flip just a bit when Nikolai gets even closer to you, and everything is turned 180° when he starts to involve your coworkers— Gosh, you cannot even call them coworkers because of how different they treat you after the event at the haunted house.

Of course, you did try to pretend everything was fine after you were practically ‘lost’ in the haunted house. You tried to go to work unbothered. But perhaps Julia and her friends have caught onto something.

Their strange looks, their curious mocking smile, their sarcastic remarks.

“Hey~! Do you wanna go to the haunted fair again? I think we want to try more funhouses!”

“Of course you would like to go again right? Who knows if you could find a boyfriend there?”

“Hey, you know, if you have someone you can introduce to us, we’d be happy to celebrate for you.”

You want to ignore their remarks. So for the past week, you ate alone, you left work five minutes early, and you made yourself busy, adding more tasks to your empty to-do list. You wonder what Julia and the others know. You wonder if Alex tells or asks them anything since he is in a completely different department. What did they think about you suddenly having to leave? What did they think about the mysterious jacket you suddenly possessed? What did they think about your messy appearance?

You feel regretful to not think about the consequences before you ran away from the group—just because you needed to escape at that time. It's your fault that this treatment is happening to you. It's your fault that you decided to stop Nikolai like a fucking hero. It's your fault that you wanted to feel that feeling of having friends enjoying your hobby too.

It's my fault, it's my fault, it's my fault, it's my fault—

“You're crying.”

Your breath hitches. You feel your cheek, wet with tears. You do not even realise you are crying, too drowned in your thoughts. Your face is also a bit sweaty from being under the cover. Hearing his voice, you slowly pull the blanket off your head. Your eyes meet with a pair of mismatched eyes, staring at you deeply.

“What's wrong, my love?”

Nikolai's voice is sultry and soft as his hands reach out to cup your face. He is crouching by your bed. He is wearing black clothes. His porcelain skin and white hair are glowing under the moonlight shining through the window on the wall.

“Tell me? Who made you cry? Why are you crying?” he asks again. You sniff and shake your head, not wanting to tell but your heart betrays you when it becomes so heavy that you start to sob again.

Nikolai frowns, concerned. He gently pulls you to sit up as he sits right beside you on your bed. His chest is heaving slowly and he looks pained. His hands are still warm on your cheeks, thumb wiping your tears. He scoots closer, leaning forward to kiss your forehead as his hands roam to your neck and back, caressing you gently. He whispers sweet nothings to you, assuring you that you can cry to him.

“It's okay, sweetheart. Take your time.”

“It's been hard, isn't it? You’ve done so well, love. You really did.”

“I'm here for you, alright?”

You feel loved.

It is weird to feel loved by a stalker—a murderer, a dangerous person even. It is something more than just a simple crush indeed. He is too intense, too obsessive, and yet he loves you.

And maybe you are smitten by him too. His weird way of affection, his obsession, his craving, his touches, his attention—they are probably the reasons why you find it hard to pull yourself away from his embrace—secured, safe, loved.

I love him too. — your heart admits.

I do not love him. I do not like him. I hate him. I hate him so much. He ruins me. — your head denies.

“Hey,”

You finally look at him. You find it a little surprising to see Nikolai looks like he is in pain. You wipe your tears with your arms, receiving a chuckle from him. “Adorable,” he whispers.

“What's with that face?” you ask, voice hoarse and slow. Nikolai tilts his head, confused. He touches his own face before he laughs a bit.

“I think I am in pain.”

“Y-You got hurt somewhere..?” you ask, eyes scanning his body. Nikolai chuckles before he touches your chin, bringing your face up to his gaze.

“It hurts me to see you're hurting, love.”

How can he be so sympathetic? How can a bad guy like him feel that?

“I saw him,” your eyes widen. Nikolai's gaze turns serious, emitting danger as his voice drops. “Did he make you cry? Did he hurt you? Do you want me to kill him?”

He holds your face. “Just give me your words, dearest.”

You shake your head. “N-No… No, please just… don't do anything bad.”

“You sure?”

“Yes...”

Nikolai is silent. Then he nods too. “Okay. If that's what you want. But, that does not mean I won't though. If he lays a hand on you, I will gift his head to your door.”

“But why though?” he asks shortly after. You wager your answer silently as your fingers fiddle with the hem of his shirt.

“Because it's wrong… and murder is bad.”

“Such a heroic answer. That’s what your head tells you, no?”

You swallow hard, looking at him. He is waiting for a response, so you nod, just once.

“And… what does your heart tell you?” he asks as his finger traces from your collarbone, down to your chest, twirling a circle on your skin. “Does your heart wish the people who wronged you unfortunate? Does it scream death to them and backtrack once you realize, it is wrong to feel so? Do you feel guilty about it?”

Nikolai leans forward, kissing your cheek before he whispers to your ear, “Isn't that caging for you?”

You push him away, just enough to make him pull away his face from you. “W-What’s your point?”

“My point is, if you abandon your morals, maybe you would take my hand right now.”

You look down. You do agree to an extent but still, you wonder if it is the right thing to be with someone like him, knowing that he committed atrocities. Will you be fine, living with the thought of your lover managed to kill a few people because of you?

For a second, you want to ask, why did he fall in love with you anyway? What did he see in you that makes him so hopelessly in love? What is so special with your basic ass that makes him so obsessed?

But your weak heart does not dare to receive any answer regarding that. You are afraid that he would reply with shits like “Because your body is sexy,” “Because your face is cute,” “Because you have the same kinks and fantasies as mine,” —no, no, no you are not ready to hear anything that would crush your already destroyed self-esteem.

Perhaps one day you would ask him—Why do you love me?

“Something in your mind, dear? You starin’ me hard,” he says, shutting your thoughts.

“Just… thinking about something.”

“You ain't telling me?”

“Maybe one day.”

Nikolai's smile widens. He grins. “I’ll wait for that day.”

“You’d wait? What if I take forever to tell you?”

“Then I will still wait.”

He wraps his arm around your waist, pulling you closer. “I will always wait for you.”

continue reading in AO3

©cherikolya 2023 — do not copy, plagiarize and repost my works to any platform, reblogs are very appreciated

if you like my works, consider buy me a ko-fi!

Longtime followers will know that there used to be a time when the entire blog was covered head and toe with Nikolai Gogol! It's raining horribly where I am, I'm alone in a coffee shop and listening to Melanie Martinez and then the idea to write for this clown came to mind.

𝐘𝐀𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐑𝐄 𝐍𝐈𝐊𝐎𝐋𝐀𝐈 𝐆𝐎𝐆𝐎𝐋, who's a lot more subtle than anyone could ever have predicted. He has been in your life much longer than he ought to be but that was his special way of keeping tabs on you. Like most things in life, this infatuation was not planned. He doned on the disguise of a simple waiter who worked in a coffee shop near your campus. As most of his work he needed to be undercover but newfound delights took place instead of his task.

𝐘𝐀𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐑𝐄 𝐍𝐈𝐊𝐎𝐋𝐀𝐈 𝐆𝐎𝐆𝐎𝐋, who is so charming that you can't help but come to the coffee shop daily. It was a little humiliating how much you liked the man but it could not be helped. In your eyes he was just a simple man working a minimum wage, a regular Joe... Who just happened to be out of this world charismatic and charming. You were confident that he could charm the pants of anyone he desired but he kept casual... Most of the time!

𝐘𝐀𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐑𝐄 𝐍𝐈𝐊𝐎𝐋𝐀𝐈 𝐆𝐎𝐆𝐎𝐋, who stops charging you for drinks because this isn't actually his job and is not taking it 100% seriously - but he also wants you to feel special! It's fun to gauge out your reactions and study your mannerisms. It was nothing but a fun little game to him, just something cute to pass the time. You were adorable, so easy to rile up, so easy to amuse. He loved cracking dumb jokes and occasionally asking you some questions. You may have the beauty, but do you have the brains?

𝐘𝐀𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐑𝐄 𝐍𝐈𝐊𝐎𝐋𝐀𝐈 𝐆𝐎𝐆𝐎𝐋, who starts to see that his feelings are becoming more serious as time flies by. He resents you a little, for trapping him in such a manner. He is usually good at separating work and pleasure but if he kept you around that line would start to blur. Being your humble waiter was just not enough anymore. He started to masquerade as other random passerbys in your life such as the cashier, mailman, garbage man. It was only a matter of time until you started to catch on that something was off but Nikolai continued to pull the strings of this play just a little more.

𝐘𝐀𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐑𝐄 𝐍𝐈𝐊𝐎𝐋𝐀𝐈 𝐆𝐎𝐆𝐎𝐋, who leaves you gifts and hints of him and his whereabouts. Sometimes they're normal such as roses and chocolates. Hey, they're a classic for a reason! But the fright in your eyes was dazzling to the jester, it made him want to do things he really had no business doing. He was horrible but human. He had needs and feelings too, no matter how depraved.

♥️ TAGS: @yanroma, @oneoftheprettynerds, @misdollface, @sxy0ung, @rosemary108233, @c4xcocoa, @gettinshiggywithit, @ophticcus, @lakxcpsta, @ranposgirlboss, @robinaxolotl, @acornwinter, @enomane, @ishqani, @hannzai, @bluepeanutharmony, @ficsreblogs, @kaithegremlin, @fyodorscockslut

Please go on more about yandere otto, I’m curious about your thoughts for the rizz loser man (affectionate)

Literally could not care less about what he had to do to have you. I'm halfway both impressed and taken aback by the logical leaps he makes on a minute-to-minute basis. Desperation in human form fr.

Bruh he'd listen to whatever the literal devil told him to do just to get a whiff of the new shampoo in your hair. You think he wouldn't directly kill millions for you?

Gaslight, gatekeep, manipulate, malewife-s his way into your life and refuses to leave no matter what. He could keep you locked in his personal bedroom you'd hate his guts, but it doesn't matter so long as he has you right where he wants you. He would absolutely prefer it if you did like him back, but if you don't he'll just gaslight himself into believing in a fictional version of you that does.

I'd bet my metaphorical left nut that he's programmed a hentai game of you for his own enjoyment. But he's not a pervert, of course. It hurts him to have you think so lowly of him. He's a man of culture, so of course he's made countless other games that aren't about sex, but they all have the two of you either getting into a relationship, being married, going on an infinitely ongoing date, etc.

Though, if I had to choose one, I'd say his favourite one is the one about your "perfect wedding day;" the one where he gets to see you walk down the aisle in the perfect attire, speak your vows, slip on the rings, kiss, and the honeymoon after the dance and banquet. Though if you're actually brave enough to peer into the abyss that is his deranged mind and play his cursed games, you'll notice that there are no other npcs in any of these games, only "you" and him.

mmmmmmmmmmmmm DAYUM YES

My phase for this man returns...

He is clown. He is bastard. He is a suspicious and shady type. He is demon. I know that as a demon, he could kill me without a moment's hesitation…

But I still love this clown-demon!

(I guess I have to get off my lazy ass and write something about him…)

𝙙𝙖𝙩𝙚 : 𝙪𝙣𝙠𝙣𝙤𝙬𝙣, 𝙡𝙤𝙘𝙖𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣 : 𝙖 𝙜𝙝𝙤𝙨𝙩𝙡𝙮 𝙘𝙞𝙧𝙘𝙪𝙨, 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙥𝙚𝙤𝙥𝙡𝙚 𝙬𝙝𝙤 𝙡𝙤𝙫𝙚 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙩𝙝𝙧𝙞𝙡𝙡 𝙤𝙛 𝙣𝙞𝙜𝙝𝙩𝙢𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙢𝙖𝙯𝙚, 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝙩𝙝𝙤𝙨𝙚 𝙬𝙝𝙤 𝙨𝙤𝙪𝙜𝙝𝙩 𝙩𝙤 𝙛𝙧𝙞𝙜𝙝𝙩

He brings himself in, and you embrace him tightly — both will never let go, at least that's what you think. He has seen what's yours, he has explored the very place you thought as a safe place.

“Oh, my love. You're just adorable. How I wish this is my sight every day. You look so mine, right now.”

“My, my! Just look at that cute pretty face! Yes, yes, you have found something? Mind to tell me what is it?”

“What's with the face, dear? What is it? What did you find?”

“What did you see in my place, dear? Tell me. Hey, tell me. Please, tell me, I'm itching to know—everything everything everything—that is on your mind right now, love.”

do read the first part (i'ma tear out your heart, it'll always be mine) and second part (gonna break his fxcking spine, wanna dance until we die) with the spotify playlist

I can’t believe this is my first drawing in 2024

Based on this tweet:

https://x.com/himitsuyusei/status/1741995172366266806?s=61&t=sWZfkkXVEjq5r0ZgLGAh7A

Kolya, my beloved...

I know that rose would spurt a water at me if I take it

Been obsessing over this unhinged clown more bcz of @cherikolya stalker AU fanfic (tysm for indirectly motivating me to be productive)

Go give it a try sinners, it's amazing and addicting 👊🏻💀

Killing a character you don't care about:

Killing a character who genuinely love and put a lot of effort into making: