Churches In Toruń

— BUT WHEN YOU PULL THE TRIGGER, IT FEELS SO RIGHT

RECEIVERS。stalker!nikolai gogol x fem!reader

WISHCARD。He is just watching quietly and does nothing other than keep his eyes still. He is enjoying the sight—you look very his, just existing, standing still like a good baby doll, like you are fucking his, in his room, in his place—“You look so mine.”

BOUQUET。stalker au, 18+ content, dark content, harsh languages, dubious consent, heavy depictions of violence and blood, limbs mutilation, gun violence, emotional manipulation, toxic relationship, smell fetish/olfactophilia, male masturbation, cunnilingus, obsessive and possessive behaviour, hints of masochism, anxiety struggles, struggling to breathe, mentions of attempted suicide, heavy hints of stockholm syndrome, intentional repetitive words, everyone has fucking issues, dead dove do not eat (please read this add. notes!)

PRICE。approx. 25.2k

FREEGIFT。hit me right (johnny goth), manipulate (mxze, clarei), bathroom (montell fish), skins (the haunting) — spotify playlist

OTHER SHOP。also available in AO3

❝ Sometimes I wish you are the one who kill me. And perhaps by then, I won't feel regretful about it.

I have tried to push myself to the brink of death. But every time—every fucking time—the sight of you, the vision of our future, the moment of our encounter, all appear in my very fucking eyes, as if I'm living through the whole moment before my brain decides that I need to stay alive although my heart tries to keep me dead.

I can't die. I don't want to die. I don't want to leave you. I don't want to miss everything I can do with you. I do not want you to leave me. You're killing me and yet you're keeping me alive.

I used to say I would choose my own soul over my happiness. But lately, over the year, I find myself choosing you over anything. You are my death who gives me hell and the angel who gives me heaven. It's almost ridiculous how I still fall no matter how hard I try to isolate myself. I tried, my love, I tried to stay away from you. I tried to not chase over you. That is why I don't pursue you, only watching from afar for a year. But indeed, no matter how long I hold myself, you and your beauty, your face, your attitude, your hobbies, likes, dislikes, kinks, quirks, looks, presence and just your mere existence—they all pull me back to you. I swear, my love, I think God has fated you with me, so I would believe Him again. I think God sent you so I would feel something so strongly after I tried my very hardest to dim my emotions and empathy towards another human being. I used to hate you for that—how dare you!

And hereby, my little dove. I declare to you, from the bottom of my heart, I am hopelessly in love with you. I have envisioned our future together—in Hell and Heaven. I will take your hand every time you appear in my dream before I try to push my body to the brink of death. Run as far as you can and I’ll chase you. Hide as quiet as you can and I'll find you. Love as much as you can and I'll love you more.

I will always be with you.

P/S: I won't tell a soul about anything you have written in your journal. I like reading your experiences, your fantasies, your frustrations and your stories. Perhaps by the time you notice this secret note in your little book, we are already one with death. Ah, this is embarrassing to confess. ❞

― ♧

“Vanilla…”

You sniff slightly Nikolai's jacket that you got from your encounter with him in the haunted escape house. It still has his scent, albeit already fading over time. It has been days since that incident though.

Nikolai still ‘visits’ you. He has gotten so good at hiding himself now. Sometimes you do not see him at the window but then he will give you creepy messages about how you look so beautiful in just your skimpy panties. And then it hits you that he has been watching and he is around. He is just not in your sight.

“Come out if you have balls, bastard.” —you remember that message you gave him when he sent you a picture of yourself cooking. But he refused to leave his hiding and just kept bothering you with messages and pictures.

However, yesterday, he did come out. He appeared, sitting at the dining table with a cup of water. He has made himself too comfortable in your own house.

“What the fuck are you doing in my kitchen?!”

“You called me.”

And what ends up last night is just you bouncing on his cock shamefully.

Bam! — you slam the washer.

“Fuck you if you're watching me!” you shout out to nowhere. Just loud enough so Nikolai would hear you if he is around. You huff before you put away his jacket and start doing your laundry. It has been hard for you to keep doing your chores when all you can think of is your stalker who still wants to play this hide-and-chase game.

After you start the washer, you grab his jacket and look at the material. You know he is rich, somewhat. His accessories and his shirt are just from a luxurious brand. This jacket is also from a brand you recognise. You wonder if his circus business has been spiking up so much lately that he could afford such things.

Or maybe he does have another job. That would explain his criminal talents.

Suddenly you remember the early memories you had with Nikolai. You noticed him. And then you called the police on him, only for him to kill them. You actually did not know the police were killed until you came back to the station to make another report. The police on duty told you the story and it was easy for you to put the puzzles together.

You feel guilty still. You want to believe that you are not the reason for those police to be killed. But…

Ding! — the doorbell rings and you are snapped out of your daydream. You walk out of the laundry room and get to the door as it rings once more. You put Nikolai's jacket on the couch before you walk to the door. You take a peek through the peephole, expecting Nikolai. But surprisingly, it is a man you do not expect. You open the door, just a little.

“Alex?”

Alex smiles at you, but it does not look like a happy smile.

“May I come in?”

― ♧

“I just wanna ask…”

Alex is in your house now. You two are just standing. You hug Nikolai's jacket close to your body, seeking comfort in it. Alex does not look like his usual shy boy persona.

“Is it about what happened in the haunted escape house?” you cut him off before he could even open his mouth. He looks surprised when he hears that but regardless, he nods slowly.

“Can you… tell me everything?” Alex says. You purse your lips. He then looks at you and steps forward. “Please, I need to know.”

“You know enough.”

Alex brushes his hair back and seems to be frustrated. “That man who chased me with a fucking knife stalked me. He stalked me…! And you know him. I deserve to know everything..!” Alex pursues harder, making you flinch as his voice raises a bit. He takes a deep breath.

“Is he your lover?”

“No… No, he's not…”

Alex looks at you, visibly confused. But you remain silent. You do not want to give him the answers to everything. And this is for his own good too.

But this fucking man is insisting.

He grabs your arm, pulling you closer. You become tense as you eye him in caution. He says your name, softly, as if he is trying to reassure you.

“Listen. Listen to me. You can trust me ‘right? Please, just tell me the truth. I care about you. I know it's obvious already that I like you, in a… more romantic way… I do not try to lure you to like me back. I am genuinely worried and care for you. So please, tell me. Was that man your lover, or just someone you happened to sleep with? Who is he actually? Why did he stalk me? What kind of person you're involved with?” Alex demands as his grip on your arm gets tighter. You frown, starting to get frustrated by his action. He then shakes your arm, stepping closer to you until your body is practically brushing against him. You wince, trying to make a distance as you feel really uncomfortable with him right now.

“Let me go!”

“Not until you tell me the truth.”

I can't. I don't want anyone else to get murdered just because of me.

I don't want to put Nikolai in danger too.

Seeming to have failed trying to get his answers, Alex lets you go and sighs softly. He looks down to the floor, solemn. For a second, he glances at you, which makes you wonder if he has made any assumptions for himself.

“…. Can you leave?” you ask slowly. Alex looks surprised and he sighs once more before he backs away to the door. You trail him at a good distance and finally, he steps out of your house. Alex turns his head to you, eyebrows connected as he whispers,

“I promise I’ll help you.”

You say nothing, only looking at him. In the back of your head, a question pops up—something you have found weird for a while but never get the chance to ask it. It would be rude if you ask him now, expecting his honesty while you're also being dishonest to him. But still, you need to know if—

“I never tell anyone about myself that much, only for a selective few like the higher-ups. A friend from a different department in our office has no right to seek the other’s private confidential information,” you speak and Alex stops in his tracks. He eyes you, confused by your sudden change of topic. You press your lips together.

“Alex, how do you know where I live?”

Your eyes are on the ground, scared to look up to the man in front of you. You hear Alex sighs deeply and you glance at him, seeing that he is avoiding you.

“You were drunk, remember? Your friend told me…”

Is that so?

“Oh… Oh, yeah, that… makes sense, I guess,” you mumble. Alex gives you a small smile, nodding as if to affirm his words. But for some reason, your heart is screaming at you, panicked.

“I… I’ll go first… Goodnight… And yeah, I’ll... I will try to help you…” he says before he walks away, almost trying to leave the area as quickly as possible. You close the door and you lock it. You realise your hand has been shaking terribly.

You turn to the window where Nikolai would always be. But it's dark and empty. He is not here tonight.

Paranoia coursing in your head as you roam around your house, locking all the windows and doors. You turn off all lights and run to your room, where it's the safest place for you to be—well, not anymore. Not when Nikolai admitted he did hide in your closet once unnoticed.

“Get out!” you scream at the closed closet, expecting something but unfortunately, nothing happens. Nothing emerges. It's just you and your heavy breathing in your dark room.

“I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine—” the same words are repeated at the tip of your tongue as you try to make your bed and prepare to sleep. You need to sleep. You need to let your consciousness fade away. You need to escape to dream.

You palm your face, trying to calm your heart that is suddenly fearing everything. You sit on your bed, wrapping your whole body under the blanket, curling inside, legs close to the chest as if there's a monster under the bed.

You wonder what you should do in this situation. There is no normality in your life. Everything seems to flip just a bit when Nikolai gets even closer to you, and everything is turned 180° when he starts to involve your coworkers— Gosh, you cannot even call them coworkers because of how different they treat you after the event at the haunted house.

Of course, you did try to pretend everything was fine after you were practically ‘lost’ in the haunted house. You tried to go to work unbothered. But perhaps Julia and her friends have caught onto something.

Their strange looks, their curious mocking smile, their sarcastic remarks.

“Hey~! Do you wanna go to the haunted fair again? I think we want to try more funhouses!”

“Of course you would like to go again right? Who knows if you could find a boyfriend there?”

“Hey, you know, if you have someone you can introduce to us, we’d be happy to celebrate for you.”

You want to ignore their remarks. So for the past week, you ate alone, you left work five minutes early, and you made yourself busy, adding more tasks to your empty to-do list. You wonder what Julia and the others know. You wonder if Alex tells or asks them anything since he is in a completely different department. What did they think about you suddenly having to leave? What did they think about the mysterious jacket you suddenly possessed? What did they think about your messy appearance?

You feel regretful to not think about the consequences before you ran away from the group—just because you needed to escape at that time. It's your fault that this treatment is happening to you. It's your fault that you decided to stop Nikolai like a fucking hero. It's your fault that you wanted to feel that feeling of having friends enjoying your hobby too.

It's my fault, it's my fault, it's my fault, it's my fault—

“You're crying.”

Your breath hitches. You feel your cheek, wet with tears. You do not even realise you are crying, too drowned in your thoughts. Your face is also a bit sweaty from being under the cover. Hearing his voice, you slowly pull the blanket off your head. Your eyes meet with a pair of mismatched eyes, staring at you deeply.

“What's wrong, my love?”

Nikolai's voice is sultry and soft as his hands reach out to cup your face. He is crouching by your bed. He is wearing black clothes. His porcelain skin and white hair are glowing under the moonlight shining through the window on the wall.

“Tell me? Who made you cry? Why are you crying?” he asks again. You sniff and shake your head, not wanting to tell but your heart betrays you when it becomes so heavy that you start to sob again.

Nikolai frowns, concerned. He gently pulls you to sit up as he sits right beside you on your bed. His chest is heaving slowly and he looks pained. His hands are still warm on your cheeks, thumb wiping your tears. He scoots closer, leaning forward to kiss your forehead as his hands roam to your neck and back, caressing you gently. He whispers sweet nothings to you, assuring you that you can cry to him.

“It's okay, sweetheart. Take your time.”

“It's been hard, isn't it? You’ve done so well, love. You really did.”

“I'm here for you, alright?”

You feel loved.

It is weird to feel loved by a stalker—a murderer, a dangerous person even. It is something more than just a simple crush indeed. He is too intense, too obsessive, and yet he loves you.

And maybe you are smitten by him too. His weird way of affection, his obsession, his craving, his touches, his attention—they are probably the reasons why you find it hard to pull yourself away from his embrace—secured, safe, loved.

I love him too. — your heart admits.

I do not love him. I do not like him. I hate him. I hate him so much. He ruins me. — your head denies.

“Hey,”

You finally look at him. You find it a little surprising to see Nikolai looks like he is in pain. You wipe your tears with your arms, receiving a chuckle from him. “Adorable,” he whispers.

“What's with that face?” you ask, voice hoarse and slow. Nikolai tilts his head, confused. He touches his own face before he laughs a bit.

“I think I am in pain.”

“Y-You got hurt somewhere..?” you ask, eyes scanning his body. Nikolai chuckles before he touches your chin, bringing your face up to his gaze.

“It hurts me to see you're hurting, love.”

How can he be so sympathetic? How can a bad guy like him feel that?

“I saw him,” your eyes widen. Nikolai's gaze turns serious, emitting danger as his voice drops. “Did he make you cry? Did he hurt you? Do you want me to kill him?”

He holds your face. “Just give me your words, dearest.”

You shake your head. “N-No… No, please just… don't do anything bad.”

“You sure?”

“Yes...”

Nikolai is silent. Then he nods too. “Okay. If that's what you want. But, that does not mean I won't though. If he lays a hand on you, I will gift his head to your door.”

“But why though?” he asks shortly after. You wager your answer silently as your fingers fiddle with the hem of his shirt.

“Because it's wrong… and murder is bad.”

“Such a heroic answer. That’s what your head tells you, no?”

You swallow hard, looking at him. He is waiting for a response, so you nod, just once.

“And… what does your heart tell you?” he asks as his finger traces from your collarbone, down to your chest, twirling a circle on your skin. “Does your heart wish the people who wronged you unfortunate? Does it scream death to them and backtrack once you realize, it is wrong to feel so? Do you feel guilty about it?”

Nikolai leans forward, kissing your cheek before he whispers to your ear, “Isn't that caging for you?”

You push him away, just enough to make him pull away his face from you. “W-What’s your point?”

“My point is, if you abandon your morals, maybe you would take my hand right now.”

You look down. You do agree to an extent but still, you wonder if it is the right thing to be with someone like him, knowing that he committed atrocities. Will you be fine, living with the thought of your lover managed to kill a few people because of you?

For a second, you want to ask, why did he fall in love with you anyway? What did he see in you that makes him so hopelessly in love? What is so special with your basic ass that makes him so obsessed?

But your weak heart does not dare to receive any answer regarding that. You are afraid that he would reply with shits like “Because your body is sexy,” “Because your face is cute,” “Because you have the same kinks and fantasies as mine,” —no, no, no you are not ready to hear anything that would crush your already destroyed self-esteem.

Perhaps one day you would ask him—Why do you love me?

“Something in your mind, dear? You starin’ me hard,” he says, shutting your thoughts.

“Just… thinking about something.”

“You ain't telling me?”

“Maybe one day.”

Nikolai's smile widens. He grins. “I’ll wait for that day.”

“You’d wait? What if I take forever to tell you?”

“Then I will still wait.”

He wraps his arm around your waist, pulling you closer. “I will always wait for you.”

continue reading in AO3

©cherikolya 2023 — do not copy, plagiarize and repost my works to any platform, reblogs are very appreciated

if you like my works, consider buy me a ko-fi!

ꜱᴛᴀʟᴋᴇʀ ɴɪᴋᴏʟᴀɪ ʙᴏᴛ

ᴛᴡ: Stalking behavior, unhealthy/toxic relationship

ɪɴꜱᴘɪʀᴀᴛɪᴏɴ: Based on a fanfiction by @cherikolya.

ᴄʜᴀʀᴀᴄᴛᴇʀ.ᴀɪ

ᴊᴀɴɪᴛᴏʀ.ᴀɪ

ɪɴᴛʀᴏᴅᴜᴄᴛɪᴏɴ ᴍᴇꜱꜱᴀɢᴇ:

Dry, colorful leaves crunched underfoot as Nikolai casually walked through the haunted funfair. Autumn was in full swing, the cold night breeze biting at his bare arms almost making Nikolai regret being out of costume. A few of his actors hurried past him in gruesome costumes adorned with fake blood and scary masks. He scanned the attendees illuminated by the red and yellow lights, dull and unimportant figures that faded into the background. But not you, no you were something special, the only person who shone so bright, was so captivating, that he couldn’t help but crave you. He knew you’d be here, and he would find you.

Deft eyes scanned the audience until they landed on you, his dove, looking around with a small smile. You were in your own little world, lost in the thrill of the fair and the darker sides of reality. Dodging between a few guests shrieking in horror at a jump-scare, Nikolai made his way over to you, your back turned to him until he deftly grabbed your arm, "Hey sweetheart, are you enjoying the fair so far?"

Do you think you could expand more on your Otto ramble? :3

You'd never be safe from his prying eyes or ears. He could set up cameras and microphones in your home and install a GPS tracking chip in the back of your neck without you even noticing.

That is, all assuming that he hasn't already moved you into his home yet.

If you're a Valkyrie/work for Schicksal, don't be surprised when you're suddenly barred from going on missions and are "promoted" to be his personal assistant who does nothing but paperwork all day and follows him around to meetings and announces his daily schedule.

Otto collects items that you've used, anything to get his hands on a source of your DNA. Things like your used toothbrush, a piece of chewed up gum, your pen that has your fingerprints on it, a lock of hair, and of course - the "Holy Relic" as he calls it - your used undergarments.

Anyways, Otto is a fucking loser and drinks jizz out of solo cups and that's all that has to be said about him.

🐀🕊️

Warning: angst | a little ooc (?) | reader is herrscher | reader's death

Both conquered powers clashed against themselves in full force and theirs glory. Smudges of their potency cut night sky with angry and fervor of fight, which warmed up to the highest, fire level.

He tried everything to defeat you without hurt. He tried speak to your conscience and your human ego. But it was only tilting at windmills. Your angry – or angry of this something – for humanity only grown up, you even refused to call you as human.

He really tried help you with control your herrscher identity, but his efforts wasn't enough. He didn't want fight with you. He already couldn't look at your eyes...

Your eyes, once full of warm and happiness, was fully of hate and clear willingness destroy everything, what's related with humans and humanity.

And he couldn't allow this to happen.

— I give you last chance... — he wanted to his voice sound powerfull and threateningly, but your reaction for his words was only insanly laugh.

— Chance!? — you asked him with irony. — Is humanity gave me this chance when their could!? No! So you don't bluff my eyes your „chance”, Welt of Humanity!

I love you...

He created thousands launchers, which was leaded towards to you. Your gaze became a little bit nervous and you tried use your powers to block this missiles. But it was pointless compared with Power of Reason.

...but I must use my the most powerfull resourcess. You don't give me a choice...

Finally, when missiles stopped shots to you your flabbily and weak body has fallen from heights and with loud bang landed to ground. Welt approached to you and you looked at him with horror in your eyes and fear that he'll delived this final blow, but it never didn't happen.

After a few moments staring to your dying silhouette, he knelt down next to your body and grabbing your hand, he started cry with guilty in his voice saying:

— I'm sorry... — he sobbed, and tears running down his cheeks. — I'm sorry... I'm sorry that I don't save you before this madness... I...

— Welt... no... Joahim... — you interrupted him with serious, but at the same time weak voice. He looked at your face with shock and disbelief. — I was weak... please... accept my apologise... and safe humanity... I was blinded by hate and... despite my promises... I wasn't... enough strong... to do this...

Welt stopped your tiring speech kissing. Suddenly your lips became cold and he stopped this. Tears still dripped from his cheeks and chin, but with bigger quantity.

Welt of Humanity...

Your mocking words still bounded walls of his mind.

Protector of Humanity...

And he couldn't save this human, who's he loved the most...

Warning: a little ooc (?) | fluffie-smuttie (?) | sugestive

Clouds of steam covered every touchy places, but you was still nervous seeing Otto waiting for you in the bath, half-naked. Only steam and towel on his hips protected you from seeing him in full his naked glory. He gave you warm smile, but in this was something... different. It wasn't the same smile, which he bestowed to you usually, but you felt that his message in this smile was a little bit... ambiguous and heralded something a bit different than only a shared bath.

It's not like that you're shy or... something similar. It's not like that... you don't like it...

You marched with perky step to the edge of bath and after a few moments dipped in warm, relaxing water, joining Otto, who chuckled at your suddenly confident behavior. He bring his body closer to you, and surrounding you warm water instead calming you only intensified the baking and pink coating in your cheeks.

This fucking warm water don't help me...

Otto, despite his closing to you, didn't touch your skin even small finger. He only took a glass of his favourites, red wine and started drink this with undisguised pleasure. You tried didn't staring at his delightful lips and you tried didn't think about his unspoken promises. You blushed more, when your imagination jumped out in a bigger works.

— Are you okey, my dear? — he asked tearing you off from your fantasies.

Perhaps, it's only my imagimation... Perhaps, he's normal, but I add at this second bottom...

Suddenly, his fingers touched your shoulders. Otto's second hand landed at your waist, he asked, this time closer at your ear, again:

— Are you okey, my dear? Can I help you?

You clenched your legs at his words and tone. Sweet of honey for his voice mixed with a little bit lower tone led your mind to strange condition. His fingers still made circles on your shoulder. Second hand moved to your face a full of blush.

— We can relocate to my room and I can help you here. — his voice wasn't nothing bigger than silent, seductive whisper. Your body trembling under his touch, as always when he promised you help in his room.

— Ehhhh... what this help is supposed to be about? — you wanted to your voice was more confident than this, but those hands.

His hands didn't left your skin and body; those finger already touched every your body parts in this moment, sending shakes of pleasure. You really wanted be quite, but how this can possible, when the most handsome man in your life touched your body with almost surgical precision.

— So... how will it be? — his lips touched your earlobe.

Your mind was empty; you stood up to attention, but your towel...

You tried found towel using your gaze and luckily you quickly found it in water. As fast as you found this towel, you tried cover up.

— Hahhahaha... — his laugh bounded the wall of bath. — Don't worry, I already seen your naked body.

It's true... It's even more than true. He already seen you naked, not the first time, and not the last time...

Your mind was messy, and his move as grabbed your hips, didn't help your condition. Obviously, he got up too and towered over your silhouette.

— So... I guess must ask again... — he started but you break his monologue.

— N-no. You d-don't need r-repeat this. A-and y-y-yes... — you swallowed saliva. — I c-c-can go with you to your r-r-room...

— Excellent. — he smiled with a little bit more dark smile, which you already didn't see, because you both leaved bath and headed towards hangers with bathrobes.

— LET THE FEAR YOU HAVE FALL AWAY

RECEIVERS。nikolai gogol x fem!reader

WISHCARD。dad!nikolai deserves the happiness 🩷

BOUQUET。fluff, mild angst, babymama!reader, oc kids (yuri, mari, karol), mentions of pregnancy and abortion, focused on nikolai's pov, the setting might be confusing

PRICE。approx. 2.6k

FREEGIFT。say yes to heaven (lana del rey)

CUSTOMER。massive thanks to @quansoda! i really love what we have created and discussed 💞

“What?”

“I'm pregnant...”

You show the pregnancy test that you have put in a small transparent plastic ziplock. Nikolai laughs, shaking his head. He brushes his hair back, and he looks extremely nervous.

“You're joking.”

Your quivering eyes hearing his refusal break him, perhaps, to thousands of pieces. Nikolai could see the realization hit you. You're a smart girl, of course you could read him just as well as how he reads you — he takes you as his other half, after all.

Nikolai is a great lover. He really is. Although morally and ethically, he is not a good person, you are willing enough to keep dancing in his own maze, tangling yourself with him. Nikolai appreciates that — he really does, especially when you're one of the rare people who sees him truly beneath the jokester masquerade he puts on twenty-four seven.

But now, he feels,

angry.

He is not angry with you as much as he is with himself. How does this happen? How did you get pregnant? He's very sure that you two have taken measures before getting intimate. Of course, sometimes you two get carried away — mainly because of his actions, he will admit.

Who else does he want to blame? You? No, this is not right.

I should've known better.

He knows he can't get angry now, but he is. This news makes him frustrated, for his carelessness and his ignorance of the consequence — ah, so much for living freely, huh?

But he could avoid it. This path, this unknown path of fatherhood and family — yes, yes, I can avoid it. If only, the baby...

“Kolya?”

Your sweet voice shakes him out of his inner monologue. He looks at your face — worried about him. Even when you are dealing with something concerning yourself, you always make sure he is alright. Nikolai knows how much you adore him, and he wants to return your love full, and much greater if he could — redamancy.

Your pursed lips and your tender gaze. Your arms are around your belly. That action alone just tells Nikolai that you do wish to keep the baby. You want to have the child. But Nikolai does not. Nikolai is not ready for any of this. He expects less of this.

“Kolya, I...” your words falter as your gaze drops.

Nikolai gets angry again, at himself. He grips his hair, infuriated at how he just thought of trying to make you go through an abortion. If you do not want the baby, sure, he will support it. But in this case, you want to have it.

No, I can't talk to her right now. I can't communicate like this.

“My love.”

You look up at him. Nikolai gives you a soft smile, despite the clear frustration he showcased earlier. He tries his best to keep his voice gentle. He knows he can hurt you if he speaks the wrong way — he learned that from a mistake in the past and he oaths to himself to keep himself sound first before he communicates through this conflict.

He knows how his own emotions can affect you. He is well aware of it all.

“I... I really need some time to think about this. Please, I need—”

“I understand.” you return his smile, nodding. You know how differently Nikolai processes things. He may look silly all the time, but you know what he has been hiding beneath it all. That is why you also take the time to announce this pregnancy — Nikolai would react to this negatively.

Nikolai swallows hard. Your loving gaze is enough for him to know that you're respecting his time. He holds your shoulder, gently leading you to the bed. “I... I want you to rest, okay? Don't move so much. And I will... Uhm, I promise I'll come back to talk about this. I don't think, we should talk now...”

You almost chuckle, finding his confusion about pregnancy adorable — you're still early in pregnancy and yet he's telling you to rest and not move too much. He probably feels lost about this but you don't blame him. Perhaps he grew up without the fatherhood he needed to learn. Perhaps he grew up mainly by himself. Perhaps he learned too much as a child.

Nikolai does not know who to turn to regarding this. He wagers his choice to call a friend from the past, asking for his advice. But now he has left that past of him, trying to reach his freedom in another way, he does not think it is right to ask that person now.

Nikolai feels lost. Him, being a father? What a joke! He finds noisy toddlers annoying. He finds babies weird and slimy. He finds kids to be fun to scare — he used to prank the kids in the neighbourhood before you told him to stop after the kids cried and complained to their parents.

But Nikolai's main unanswered question is — “What am I going to do?”. He does not have experience being a father. His past still haunts him and it still puts you at risk for housing a criminal. That's just you, but what about the kid? Someday, the kid would know what their father did. He knows he can avoid that path by convincing you an abortion or he just agrees to provide you money for the kid if you want to keep the child so badly — co-parenting is normal. Furthermore, the worst he can do is just run away.

Are you going to run away — again?

“No, that's not right.”

Nikolai hates himself for even muttering those words. That's not right — who cares if it's not right? If he wants to prove his free will, he will commit what is not right! To hell with this system that dictates how he should live his life — he chooses his freedom.

And yet, it's not right.

It's not right to rob the wish for motherhood from you. It's not right to leave you alone through this pregnancy that will definitely take a toll on your physical and mental health. It's not right to leave someone he sacrifices his freedom for. It's not right to leave the person who understands him, the person who makes him genuinely happy, the person he enjoys being with.

He knows he will feel regret. He will feel sad if he leaves you. He will feel disappointed and resentful of himself. He hates those emotions.

But happiness is an emotion too. “Over happiness, I choose the freedom of my soul!” — remember?

“It's just the same as choosing between the two devils. One is a lesser devil.” Nikolai thought that deeply. Maybe, rather than being free while overwhelmed by regret, disappointment, frustration and solemnity,

Perhaps it's also fine to be free and happy.

When he confronts you about it, your reaction sparks that feeling again in his heart. The moment you hug him, crying on his chest, Nikolai feels that rush of relief and joy in his whole system. He feels the butterflies in his stomach fluttering again. It hurts, he does not know how to explain it, but it hurts so good. His chest tightens into a bundle of emotions. The smile and the tears you let go when he has decided, just convinces him that maybe, there is a way to his ideals through this bliss.

“I promise we'll get through this together...” you say as you hold his hand, kissing it. Nikolai chuckles, and his usual mischief slowly emerges, very slowly as to not scare the little songbird in front of him.

He does not promise you that he will be the best father. He does not promise you that he will be a good parent. But he does promise to do what he can.

“It's already enough for me, Kolya. I'll hold your hand and we will walk this journey together, alright? We will figure it out.”

It's a lie to say you do not notice how Nikolai feels lost, terrified about this new path he's about to take on. It's a strange new world for him. You know well about his bloody past and you did make yourself blind about it — you see the human in him that he wishes to push away so badly.

So you pull Nikolai that night, holding his face. Gently, you bring his face closer to you. He closes his eyes. Then, your lips touch softly with the scar of his eye, and he breathes slowly yet heavily.

“Fear nothing, my dear, I'll hold you forever.”

Maybe what he feels that night is the closest thing he could describe to freedom.

Even if he closes his eyes for so long, as long as he feels your touch on him, he will gladly stay in slumber.

And it is expected for someone like him to get slightly panic when he opens his eyes, only. for him to see the spot beside him is empty.

Nikolai wakes up immediately. His brain goes fresh and the dream of the past is lingering at the back of his mind. He groans when he sits up too quickly, but he does not mind that when he sees the absence of his wife.

He mutters your name, like a lost child. But really, he feels a bit lost now. Usually, you are hard to wake up early and it becomes an unspoken rule between you two that he will prepare breakfast. He knows how hard you work in your job too, so it's normal for him to take over the work in the house more.

Nikolai gets up from the bed, grabs a shirt he found on the rack and wears it. He looks around and finds a red hairtie. As he walks out of the room, he makes a quick ponytail of his long hair.

The kitchen is noisy with the voices of children. When he reaches there, he can see a girl and a boy standing on the chair, excitedly waiting for their mama.

“Papa!” Mari, his girl, cheerfully greets him. She jumps down from the chair and runs towards Nikolai excitedly. Nikolai grins and crouches, opening his arms to embrace Mari.

“Good morning, malyshka,” he says as Mari hugs him, kissing his cheek. He carries Mari into his arms as he walks to the table, seeing his youngest son, Karol, looking at him with that weird grin. He puts Mari on her chair and looks at Karol.

“Morning, Karol,” Nikolai says, ruffling his hair. Karol raises his arms, making grabby motions for some uppies. Nikolai laughs shortly at his son and carries him up too. Karol holds Nikolai's face — directly putting his tiny hand in the middle of his face and pulls Nikolai closer.

“Mwagh!” he gives Nikolai an open mouth kiss which makes Nikolai look at Karol with a rather, judging face.

“You should learn how to kiss better.”

“Stink!”

“Oh, wow. You little sh—”

“Hm? Good morning, dad.” Yuri, the first son, comes out from the kitchen with a bowl of fruits. Nikolai puts down Karol, giving him a gentle flick on his arm for the stink comment. He turns to Yuri — his second favourite victim to annoy. First is you, obviously.

Yuri, oh, dear Yuri... If only this boy knew how much dilemma his dear parents went through just from the pregnancy news...

“Morning, Yurochka! Already being a good boy, huh?” Nikolai is quick to mess with Yuri's hair. Yuri whines at the chaotic touch of his dad, especially when he is the only one who has showered — he grows up quickly and Nikolai is more than happy to teach him a lot.

“Kolya, don't tease the boy so much.”

Ah, finally.

Finally, that's the voice he waits for.

He looks at you — and, O' Heavens... Nikolai could stare at you forever. You are just gorgeous, with that pair of shorts, the loose tee that actually belonged to him and the messy hair, and it's barely ten in the morning.

“Good morning, beautiful.”

You shoot him a confused look as you put down the jug of cold milk on the table for the kids. You rub your face and chuckle at him. “What beautiful? I haven't showered yet.”

“You're.... always beautiful, always so pretty,” he says, voice slow and dreamy. He looks at you with the softest smile and hazy gaze. “I want to stare at you all night, really.”

You huff a shy giggle. “That sounds stalker-ish. Tsk, tsk.” you pinch his nose lightly, only for him to scrunch his face cutely. “I'll go and make some coffee for us two,” you say before you peck his cheek sweetly.

“Mam! Papa so stink!”

You burst a laugh at Karol's comment while Nikolai only grumbles, dissatisfied. Karol cackles at his dad, raising his cup high. “Papa, zero! Karol, won!”

“Huh? I don't agree with any competition!”

“Big words! No, no, no!”

“Karol, be quiet and give me your cup.” Yuri scolds lightly and Karol coos sadly as he gives Yuri his blue cup so his older brother can pour the milk for him.

You laugh again, almost leaning to Nikolai's chest at your kids' theatrics. Nikolai's heart melts almost immediately and he wishes he could hold you right now, but no matter how shameless he is in public, definitely he feels a bit shy in front of his kids.

You leave the dining table and to the kitchen. Nikolai watches you until your figure disappears but his stare is not for long when Mari tugs his shirt. He turns to his little princess quickly. “Yes, malyshka?”

“Papa, I want strawberries,” she says and Nikolai notices the fruit bowl only has blueberries and grapes. Mari loves strawberries but he remembers there are no more strawberries in the fridge. You never leave Mari's favourites so he expects there's no more in the stock.

“I'll see if there's any strawberry. If there's none, you eat the fruits, m'kay? Mama already prepared it for you.” Nikolai says softly. Mari nods and grins.

“Okay, papa.”

Nikolai walks to the kitchen, glancing one last time at the table. Three kids — three small kids who are from his blood. If he had told himself several years ago that this sight was possible, he would laugh so hard, ridiculing the impossible.

But here he is, in a house, complete and content. The joy of the noises from kids he never thought he would have and the peace he still holds tightly.

Ridiculous, ridiculous. I wish this is a dream, but it's not — here I am still on this path that feels right. It feels right to stay here. It feels right to be in this time.

“Darling?”

Nikolai turns to you. As soon as he sees you, he knows it does not feel right.

It is right.

Abruptly, he stumbles toward you, leading you deeper to hide yourselves in the kitchen. Nikolai leans forward, pulling you close and hugs you tight. He nuzzles his nose against your neck, inhaling your scent that reminds him of home.

“Kolya, you okay?” you ask softly as you hug him back, returning his love in full.

Nikolai is just silent. Just the two of you hugging in the kitchen, with your kids enjoying their breakfast. You are swaying in the hug, perhaps to the melody of the chirping birds, or perhaps to the happy giggles and cackles out of the kitchen.

“I love you so much,” Nikolai mumbles and you hum, tilting your head to kiss him and your lips could only reach his neck and jaw.

“I love you too, very much so,” you whisper.

“Fear nothing, I'm here.”

What he feels right now is the serenity he's yearning for, the freedom he's reaching for.

And if this is the cage he's trapped with, he will gladly stay inside — haven.

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