I Want To Personally Thank Etc For Being There For Me When I Don't Feel Like Listing More Things

honestly, why is the only language we have for sexual trauma that of rape and assault? there are so many kinds of sexual trauma that are done a genuine disservice by trying to grapple with them using the language of rape.

there's "i consented to this for self-destructive reasons," there's "i didn't know what i was consenting to because i didn't have enough experience to tell that i would be upset by this thing," there's "i initiated something that i now regret," there's dozens, even hundreds, of sexual situations that are traumatic and that need community support and care and some real trauma work to heal from, that just aren't accurately described by the language we have to discuss rape.

and like, trying to shoehorn them in under the umbrella of rape and assault often does a disservice to the victims trying to heal--trying to cast a sexual partner as a malicious perpetrator retroactively is often really psychologically damaging to someone who is experiencing a complex trauma around an experience they consented to, especially when the trauma victim themselves initiated the experience.

I have a *thing* for Wolfstar fics when Remus thinks Sirius isn't going to stick with him because he's not good enough for Sirius, then it flips to Sirius's POV and he's tripping over his own feet because he's just so into Remus he can't think straight.

shout out to the biggest comfort character ever, sunil jha from loveless

like fully about to enter a depressive episode because of a BOOK. men used to go to war.

what is it with me and purposely revisiting media that has triggered me genuinely an insane evolution quirk

running to the hills (retiring every social media except for tumblr because i’m safe here nobody knows me)

a little fanfic

can't sleep and I think it's bc I desperately need the tumblr world know that A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara is: 1) camp (and brilliant camp, but that's a whole fucking dissertation); 2) fanfiction (which personally I would argue is inherently camp, so); 3) more specifically, Marauders fanfiction; & 4) even more specifically, remus/sirius aka wolfstar fanfic.

Jude is Remus, Willem is SIrius, J.B. is James, & Malcolm is Peter. I"m not talking strictly characterization or personality-wise (though there's some decent-ish overlap there), or saying that the plot of ALL has all that much to do with anything that happens to/among the Marauders in the plot of HP. But the relational dynamics, the tropes and archetypes solidifying these characters as a quartet, are so utterly parallel to mountains, fucking mountains of wolfstar fanfic. Precocious, quiet, tortured (not to mention literally scarred/self-harming) Remus/Jude; charming, effortlessly cool, hyper-protective Sirius/Willem; popular, charismatic, ringleader-ish James/JB; insecure, waffly, often-an-afterthought Peter/Malcolm. And the slow-burn love story between Jude & Willem - fucking wolfstar wolfstar wolfstar. The first, like, half-ish (idk, it's been a few months since reading?) of the book utterly teases the reader with subtextsubtextsubtext (or, in hp, canoncanoncanon) and then the rest of the novel actually *makes good* on that subext once Willem first realizes he's fallen in love with Jude (or, in hp, fanficfanficfanfic).

I have no idea if HY has ever read wolfstar and that is utterly beside my point because the author is dead and thank you for attending my brief lecture. also jesusfuckingchrist I have been holding this analysis in my little heart for so long bc no one irl even knows I know what fanfiction is lol.

It’s okay for you to grieve the life you thought you should have had.