Warsan Shire, From "For Women Who Are Difficult To Love"

unfortunately i DID take what you said to heart and now i’m sobbing and debating on whether i should kill you or kill myself

“I wasn’t an easy child”/“I was a bad child and hard to love” is such an upsetting thing to hear people say. I used to believe it about myself before I got my autism diagnosis and reevaluated my childhood behavior and realized most of it wasn’t born out of a desire to be a difficult little monster. but even if you were an evil child on purpose 24/7, it’s fucked up that your parents/caregivers made you feel that that was just an innate part of you, a literal actual child.

"it's okay, i can peel back the layers of you until i find the soft and gentle core of you you've had to work so hard to hide"? no. no, it's okay, i know you're hollow; i'm here anyway. you don't have to pretend it isn't masks the whole way down. whatever face you want to wear, i still love you. i don't need you to be good or unflinching or the antonym of violence. if i did, i wouldn't be here. i wouldn't ask that of you.

“but is it still abuse if the abuser doesn’t seem to realize he’s doing it?”

YES IT IS. Abuse is defined by the pain and trauma victims go thru, your suffering and fear don’t go down one bit because “abuser may not be aware of what they’re doing”, actually, it goes up! Being tortured by someone who doesn’t care enough to even freaking realize they’re damaging you is much more dehumanizing and emotionally taxing than at least knowing the abuser’s intention clearly and that they’re achieving exactly what they want to achieve. Being lost about abuser’s intentions adds on to the trauma!

It doesn’t matter if they meant to do it or not (in most cases they absolutely meant it or didn’t actually give a shit if they’re hurting you or not as long as they get what they want). Staying safe from this person is important. Stopping the abuse and preventing any future abuse is important. Healing is important. Label the abuser with whatever you need that helps you to heal. Forget abuser’s side of the story and focus on yours. What they agree or disagree, what they’re aware or aren’t aware isn’t nearly as important as stopping that person from harming you, and preventing them from hurting you ever again.

thinking about how when you experience a lot of shame in your formative years (indirectly, directly, as abuse or just as an extant part of your environment) it becomes really difficult to be perceived by other people in general. the mere concept of someone watching me do anything, whether it's a totally normal activity or something unfamiliar of embarrassing, whether I'm working in an excel spreadsheet or being horny on main, it just makes my skin crawl and my brain turn to static because I cannot convince myself that it's okay to be seen and experienced. because to exist is to be ashamed and embarrassed of myself, whether I'm failing at something or not, because my instinctive reaction to anyone commenting on ANYTHING I'm doing is to crawl into a hole and die. it's such a bizarre and dehumanizing feeling to just not be able to exist without constantly thinking about how you are being Perceived. ceaseless watcher give me a god damn break.

How abusive childhood teaches you to stay in abusive relationships:

you have to be obedient and submissive in your childhood if you don’t want to get beaten, you’re taught this is normal in life, so why should you doubt it when it happens in your relationship?

you’re supposed to care about everyone else more than yourself, you’re taught to provide comfort and be minimally or completely non-demanding of other family members, always put yourself last, and this is exactly what abusive partner will demand of you as well, how would you fight it if you’re taught this is just your place in life?

your appearance, interests, skills, achievements, and faults are constantly exposed to criticism, insults, humiliation and ridicule in abusive childhood, and you’re taught it’s normal, how are you supposed to fight it when it happens in a relationship?

you’re humiliated and ridiculed for seeking intimacy or try to express yourself in your childhood, how would you know it’s okay for you to desire understanding, consideration, reassurance and intimacy in your relationship?

if you’re used to being hit, humiliated, and having your objections to it ignored, or even worse, minimized and punished by even worse violence, how are you supposed to defend yourself when it happens in a sexual situation? how would you be able to know it’s wrong for another person to harm you if your parents have been doing it, and they supposedly love you?

if you’re taught to always be grateful that things aren’t worse, always compare yourself to someone who is tortured worse, how are you ever supposed to reach out and get help for being abused? how are you supposed to know when your situation is really, really bad? There’s always going to be someone somewhere in the world tortured worse, and this becomes a reason for you to suffer in silence.

Abusive parents are direct cause of abusive relationships, if your boundaries aren’t destroyed and your sense of what’s acceptable and to be tolerated in your close relationships skewed to allow abuse, you have much easier time rejecting abusive relationships later in life. 

I finally cracked down on the whole ‘why don’t you know this by now’ and ‘you’re too stupid to be independent’ issue with abusive parents so I’m going to break it down.

So lets make two things clear; first: Parents ARE responsible for TEACHING you basics of life, which includes survival, your rights, and basic knowledge that you don’t get in school, and second: Yelling at you for not knowing these things already, is not teaching, and they’re aware of that.

Abusive parents don’t care for their responsibility towards the children at all, but they are very interested in making you useful and appearing as great parents to everyone outside the family. So, if they’re teaching you anything, it’s only for the sake of you doing things for them. Hell, sometimes they’ll just tell you to 'pick it up by watching’ or 'figure it out on your own’ and give you dozens of responsibilities without even asking if you know how, or offering an explanation. Maybe they want you to do menial jobs, maybe you’re responsible for raising your siblings, or restocking groceries and cooking, maybe cleaning or cutting grass or carrying wood or caring for animals; it will be allowed for you to know these things but nothing outside of it, so you wouldn’t start thinking you’re actually competent. You will do all these things correctly and still be called stupid, lazy, worthless, and be reminded that you are nothing without them; all the things you don’t know or can’t do will be thrown into your face, you’re told you are incapable of learning them.

That’s how they get that nice balance of keeping you working for them but still completely in the dark about how to survive without them. The less you know the easier to keep you from leaving; they will sometimes even devalue things you learn at school, just to get your confidence down.

But then, in their infinite masterplan to keep you uninformed, they will forget that it must appear to other people as if you know things, or it will be suspicious; why didn’t they teach their child anything? They’re all pretty paranoid about being found out, so they have to make some counter-measures just in case. So then they gotta paint this picture of 'oh I did teach my child everything! But the child doesn’t listen! If they still don’t know something it’s their own fault!’ And they pre-emptively act as if they have already taught you everything, but you, dumb slob, retained nothing of it. And they need you to act guilty of this in front of other people too, so they’ll often yell at you 'How old are you? How do you already not know this?’ in front of others, as a display of their narrative. They’re saying 'oh we did teach the child and we say it constantly but the kid doesn’t listen even at this age!“

But what it does to you is actually gaslighting. Because you know you never heard this information from them before. They never even came close to comprehensively explaining anything to you. But the scenario playing out in front of you suggests they not only did, but you forgot, and if you try to defend yourself how will you convince anyone that you didn’t forget? It’s a not such a big deal to go fight them on it, but as it happens again and again, you start doubting your memory. Sometimes they even act surprised when you don’t know something, as if they spent days teaching it to you? You start getting worried that you’re missing out on all this vital info, but watch how even when they’re fake surprised you don’t know, they still don’t give you the info! They shame you for not paying attention and what you’re supposed to take from this is to pay attention in the future where they still just never fucking tell you anything relevant ever.

Because it’s just a show of charades to keep all the useful information that would help you to freedom safely hidden away from you, while having you look forgetful and guilty for any witnesses. It’s more likely you’ll learn something asking your neighbour who doesn’t have any stakes in keeping you uninformed.

Being treated like this for long term can make you doubt your own ability to learn, will make you worried that everyone knows more than you and ashamed for being stupid. It will not only discourage you from learning but make sure you have way less context for new knowledge you acquire; you will struggle to place new concepts without the basics and new information will feel arbitrary and irrelevant.

If you want to test if your parents are doing this, try telling them you’re reading resources for abuse; see how quick they are to either devalue or forbid it as a 'wrong and manipulative’, and likely throw a tantrum for good measure to make sure you don’t do it again. Now don’t really do it. If you could have imagined them reacting like this, then yes, they’re definitely aware they’re abusing you and ready to cover it up and isolate you from the information that would have helped you escape.

What you can do is slowly come to terms with the fact that no, you’re not stupid; nobody took the time to actually teach you. The information denied to you, is not actually intimidating and impossible to retain, it’s simply threatening to abusers, but you are capable of learning it. Once you do learn it, it will make sense they wanted to keep it away from you, in fact you will find out among the things they did tell you, there was a lot of guilt-inducing lies. You are not stupid for not knowing. You have had knowledge withheld from you, and then got gaslit into accepting responsibility for it.

I AM NOT INTERESTED IN LIVING A LIFE WHERE I COWER AWAY FROM BEAUTY OR GOODNESS BECAUSE OF THE POTENTIAL TO BE HURT. I AM BARRELING TOWARD IT. LIFE IS GOING TO CRACK ME OPEN LIKE A PIÑATA AND I AM GOING TO LET IT.

Tracy Emin, Take what the fuck you like, 2001