“our My”

My Journey to Escape the War in Gaza

My name is Abdelmajed. I never imagined I’d be sharing my story like this, but life in Gaza has become unbearable. I am a survivor of the war here, and in the blink of an eye, everything I once knew—my home, my safety, my community—was ripped away from me.

The war has transformed Gaza into a graveyard of broken dreams. The buildings that once stood as symbols of life and resilience are now piles of rubble. Every corner is filled with the echoes of explosions. Every moment is shrouded in uncertainty. There is no security. There is no stability. There is no light at the end of the tunnel.

Basic needs have become luxuries. Food is scarce. Clean water is even scarcer. Hospitals are overwhelmed and under-resourced, and there is almost no medical care to be found. Every night, families go to bed hungry, praying they’ll wake up to see another day. The cost of basic necessities has skyrocketed, and it’s become a daily battle just to survive.

I’ve seen things I never thought possible—standing in long lines for a piece of bread, rationing every drop of water, and watching my people suffer in silence. I have lost everything—my home, my safety, my dignity.

Escape from Gaza is my only hope, but it’s almost impossible without financial help. The cost of evacuation is far beyond my means, and without support, I’m trapped in a warzone with no way out.

I’m reaching out to you now, in the hopes that someone, anyone, can help. I am not asking for luxury. I am asking for a chance—just a chance—to live. A chance to escape this never-ending cycle of fear, destruction, and loss. A chance to rebuild my life somewhere safe, where I can begin again, where I can find hope once more.

Chuffed

Help Abdelmajed Escape Gaza and Rebuild His Life

My name is Abdelmajed, and I am a survivor of the war in Gaza. Everything I once knew has been taken away—my home, my safety, and the people

Any amount you can give will help me get closer to safety. Even the smallest donation will make a difference—it could be the lifeline I need to survive. If you are unable to donate, please share my story. The more people who hear it, the better the chance that I can find the support I desperately need.

Your kindness and support mean the world to me. You’re not just helping me escape a war; you’re giving me a chance to live, to rebuild, to breathe again.

Thank you for listening. Thank you for caring.

Vetted by @gazavetters

i’m getting my nips pierced tmmrw. i am so scared. so nervy.

Okay. Breathe, Satoru. You can do this. It's just a sleepover. Just your girlfriend. Just the person you're absolutely, irrevocably obsessed with. Who you're trying really, really hard not to scare off.

Standing in your apartment, hands shoved deep in his pockets to keep from touching everything. You’re flitting around, casual, relaxed, while he’s trying to memorize the shape of your furniture, the smell of your space, the way you hum when you walk into the kitchen.

Satoru's baby-blues locking onto the bathroom door. “I’ll, uh... shower first, if that’s okay?” like it’s the most neutral, chill request ever. It’s not. He’s sweating. His ears are pink. You nod like it’s no big deal - of course it’s no big deal - but to him? It’s a very big deal.

He gently closes the bathroom door behind him. Worries if he makes too much of a sound, he will be banned from your fine establishment. Your things are everywhere. Shampoo bottles, conditioner, your razor, a little candle half-burned on the sink, your loofah hanging from the shower knob, the loofah. He stares at it for too long.

Are we at the loofah-sharing stage? Satoru wonders, frozen in place. It’s pink. Fluffy. It looks soft, and it’s yours, and he’s fighting every stupid urge in his body. “Don’t be weird,” muttering aloud, as if he can command himself into normalcy. Still, his fingers twitch. He holds it. Briefly. Gently. Just for a second. Just to say he did.

Then comes the body wash. He squirts out the tiniest amount and rubs it between his hands like it’s precious perfume. The scent hits him and he nearly slides down the wall. You smell like this. You smell like this all the time. How is he supposed to survive? Because now he smells like you.

Pressing his face into the steam and pretends it’s your neck. He’s sick. Maybe a little pathetic. He knows it. But he’s also just so in love. What can a guy do?

When he steps out, face flushed and hair damp, he feels like a teenage boy at his crush’s house for the first time - which, in his mind, he kinda is. You’re waiting for him in pajamas, makeup wiped off, looking soft and sleepy and so perfectly you. He thinks he might pass out.

And then… brushing teeth together. Should be simple. Should be normal. But nothing is normal around you. He’s beside you at the sink, trying to play it cool while your shoulder brushes his. You hum to yourself while brushing, glancing at him through the mirror, and he nearly foams at the mouth. Or maybe that’s the toothpaste. He’s not sure.

Then he sees it.

A little blob of foam at the corner of your lips.

Something happens to him. Something dark and unspeakable. He wants to kiss it away. He wants to lick it off your mouth like a psychopath. He stares. Blinks. Shakes his head like a wet dog. Absolutely not. No. Stop it.

What’s wrong with you, scolding himself. She’s just brushing her teeth. Like a person. A very pretty, perfect person.

He spits. Rinses. Avoids eye contact. Looks at the drain. Looks at your spit down the drain. Another weird thought. One that must be suppressed.

And then it’s time. Bedtime. Final boss.

Your bed is small. Cozy. Absolutely infested with plushies. He pretends to be annoyed but he secretly loves them. Even if they are plotting to kick him off the edge of the mattress. He climbs in carefully, unsure which plush is your favorite. Unsure what you'd do if he accidentally knocked one little guy off the floor. The blanket smells like your laundry. Like home. Like the future he wants with you.

You’re already under the covers, blinking at him sleepily, smile soft and content. Wearing his shirt and not much else. The fabric rides up your thighs and he has to look away before his brain fully melts. He deserves a prize for not making a move. Deciding to lay on his back, stiff, hands folded like he’s in a coffin. He doesn’t touch you. Not even a pinky. Be good, chanting to himself. Be good. You like her. You love her. You’re not a perv, you’re not a perv.

You shift closer.

A leg brushes his. A sigh escapes your lips. Your hand settles gently on his stomach like it belongs there.

He almost cries, something between a half whimper and a wheeze leaves his throat.

Slowly, carefully, he slides his arm around your waist. You don’t flinch. Don’t pull away. You lean into him.

He swears he hears wedding bells.

You fall asleep just like that, face nestled against his shoulder, breath even and slow. And he lies there, heart racing, brain fried, blinking up at the ceiling, Satoru would be getting no sleep tonight.

His thoughts are a mess: She’s so pretty. Is she really mine? What if I kissed her forehead? No, too soon. Maybe not. God, her skin is soft. I should move in. Tomorrow. Today. Right now. No, bad. Calm down. Be cool. Be a good boyfriend. Don’t get a boner. You’re cuddling. It’s fine. Just breathe. You’re okay. This is okay. Everything is okay.

He wants to. Touch you, that is. Just your waist. Just a hand on your back. Just to pull you closer and feel your heartbeat against his chest. But he doesn’t. He stays perfectly still. He doesn’t want to push anything. You haven’t done that yet, and he’d rather die than make you uncomfortable.

Except nothing’s okay. Because he’s so in love it physically hurts. Because you’re sleeping peacefully and trusting him with this little moment, and all he wants is to stay like this forever.

How are you sleeping so peacefully while he’s over here thinking about nothing but how perfect yoh are?

tw cannibalism

Sukuna would definitely eat your corpse after you die. No, he's not desecrating you. He simply does not want your body to bear his burdens any longer. You did not need to share his burdens anymore as that is what had gotten you killed.

Burying you meant someone would defile you. Disturb you. Use your corpse against him because at the end of the day, humans and sorcerers alike would do anything to break the wretched four eyed demon that brings chaos and destruction where ever he went.

He doesn't cook you. Prefers to eat you raw to savor your exquisite taste. He would take his time to savor each bite. His mind replaying each and every memory he had spend with you as he chews on your flesh slowly. From the day he had met you to the day he had lost you.

He saves your heart for the last and when he sinks his teeth into the organ, he thinks back to the time you had taken his large hand into your smaller ones and placed it against your chest, showing him just how wildly your heart beats for him.

I love you. You had admitted to him shyly.

And then nothing but a deep pool of blood remains on the futon the two of you had shared together as Sukuna looks up and gazes at the forest from the parted shoji screen of his bedroom.

The silence is deafening.

mommy!sugu on the brain... just imagining the first time you refered to him as that and just!! you have melted my brain with your posts i need more

Anon i feel personally responsible for this newfound interest of yours, i insist that you let me take care of it.

He's literally just....the most doting, motherly, tending, caring man to ever walk this planet , how could you NOT LOVE HIM??? He ties your shoe laces for you and cooks your food and bathes you and makes sure you dont leave the house unless you're dressed in warm clothes and talks to you in a baby voice when you're being pouty and fussy its so sick 😔

THE FIRST TIME YOU CALL HIM MOMMY!!! yes, oh my god, he would be caught off guard, that's for sure. He's in the middle of cooking dinner for the both of you, and out of no where you call him mommy and he slowly turns around to look at you like this 🤨 then chuckles and goes "mommy huh? You're so sweet, baby" Then it's back to stirring his pot 😭😭 he responds this way because to him, taking care of you like this runs in his blood, it's such a normal thing to him he actually never expected you to find it unusual, if anything suguru thinks you should raise your standarts a tiny bit lmaoo.

But he does think about it during dinner when you've both sat down to eat, he's noticeably silent the whole time, when it's time to clean up, you pick up your dishes and he stops you with a hand on your waist and a smile then goes "let mommy take care of it" before smearing an exaggerated kiss on your cheek <– horrible man, I'd faint Victorian noble woman style.

hey. hi. wtf. anyways toji and shiu meowww

"biiiig stretch baby" as my friend slips into your other hole

roomate!geto x reader

it's 1am, and geto suguru is freezing. he's got a hot water bottle, a comforter, and two thick blankets, yet he's still shivering like a naked mole rat in midwinter.

why am i so fucking cold? geto thinks, feeling ridiculous as he rubs his legs together like a giant cricket. he wonders if he's inexplicably lost fifty pounds in the night and his body is shutting down. or maybe the apartment has been magically transported to a remote arctic wasteland.

"suguru?" the door creaks open, and geto sits up, squinting at your face, illuminated by the hallway light.

"oh, hey," he says, pulling his blankets up to his chin. "you okay?"

"yeah," you say, slipping into the room and closing the door behind you. geto reaches over and flicks on his bedside lamp. "i think our central heating switched off. it's, like, unbearable."

you look small and vulnerable in the yellow lamplight. so different from your usual put-together state. geto raises an eyebrow at your penguin-patterned pajama pants, and you flush.

"a gift from my grandma, asshole," you say, straightening your tank top. geto tries not to dwell on how thin and semi-see through it is.

"mhm," he says, flashing you what he knows is a charmingly ironic grin. he shifts under his covers. "yeah, it's cold. i honestly don't know how i'm gonna fall asleep again."

"well," you say, glancing down at your feet. you're uncharacteristically bashful. "i was thinking, maybe—and it's totally okay if you're not comfortable with this—i was wondering if i could sleep with you? just for the body heat. my room is, like, super cold and—"

"you wanna sleep with me?" geto repeats, just to see you squirm. he knows he's being a little mean. but he can afford to be, especially when he already knows exactly what his answer is.

"not like that," you're quick to say. you blush harder. "i mean, obviously. obviously i would never—"

"aw," he says with a melodramatic pout. "never ever?"

the two of you have teased each other like this before. joking that you'd get married if you were both still single by 40, bringing each other as plus-ones to various work events and telling coworkers you'd been together since high school—but somehow the teasing felt very different when you were both in various states of undress.

"maybe if you got a haircut," you say with a small smile, rubbing the chicken skin on your arms. geto feels his eyebrows shoot up his forehead. "anyway. please? can i sleep here? just for tonight."

"sure, kid," he says, pulling back the covers for you. he knows you hate it when he calls you that, but tonight you don't protest. "c'mere."

you slip in, instantly curling up against his side. geto feels his whole body thrum when your ice-cold skin presses up against his. his body automatically wraps around yours, tugging your waist closer, slipping his arm beneath your head. he's never been this close to you. it feels wrong, but it also feels natural.

"better?" he says, lips brushing the back of your neck. he feels you stiffen a little at his warm breath.

"much," you say. you pull his arm tighter around you and nestle into the curve of his body. "and just so we're clear: no funny business."

"i wouldn't dream of it," he says, voice low. you smell so good. so you. he feels something instinctive, something evolutionary in himself say this is it, isn't it? "as i've said many times before, you utterly repulse me. we could never be more than roommates."

"never ever," you say, and as you do, you bring his knuckles up to your lips and press a warm, soft kiss on them. geto bites back a gasp. he's suddenly very aware of his t-shirt and shorts being the only barriers separating his body from yours.

"get that haircut, suguru," you whisper, so soft he almost doesn't catch it. "then we'll talk."

"okay," he whispers back, then, closing his eyes, he settles into the bed, with you in his arms. slowly, slowly, his breathing falls into step with yours: inhale, exhale. inhale... exhale. (just before he drifts off, he makes a mental note to call the nearest salon tomorrow.)

♥︎: fluff ♡: angst ☆: suggestive ★: smut

♥︎♡ something stupid

extras: ♥︎★ ☆

BRINGINF RECEIPTS!!!!!!!!

So Nae and Mist rejected my application to join their relationship as the chain-smoking model tit addicted degenerate for reasons beyond my understanding, uh I suspect that it's because they hate me and want to kill me with hammers but what do i know :/

suguru x f!reader ~ atonement!au

cw: angst mainly, some fluff(i think?), suggestive, one(1) consensual almost sex scene w suguru (someone walked in), historical setting(wwll) likely with many inaccuracies, lying, misunderstandings, romance (childhood friends trope), war, major character deaths. mentions of injury, disease, sexual assault, prison. hopefully not but probably confusing timelines, etc.. . a/n: i apologize in advance and so sincerely about hiromi

ah, summer. the sun burning bright in the clear blue sky of the lovely morning. the warm air, warm earth, warm skin, all being warmed by its light. all except for you in this moment.

your body shivers, drenched. cool water soaked through the thin fabric of your undergarments and doused in your hair. little goosebumps have formed on your skin now.

no words are spoken as you hold your glare at the man who stand only a few feet away. no words are spoken but there is communication of sorts that you cannot comprehend. your eyes pour all the emotions you are yet to understand onto the other. it's a language you don't have the knowledge to translate. a fruit yet to ripen enough to fall from its branch, it's holding on. barely, but still holding.

although you are in open air, there is an incredibly low ceiling weight down on you. crushing. your spine can only carry so much weight before it shatters; the the delicate porcelain of the fine china you dine from.

there is a piece of the the broken vase in your hands, and one in his. your clothing, a skirt and a blouse, lay in messy pools on the ground near the fountain where you left them.

it's an easy moment to misinterpret, and it feels so much longer then it truly is.

bravely, you take the first step and break that odd connection. the link severed and conversation of no words interrupted.

pulling your skirt back up to rest at your hips, and your blouse over your shoulders, you dress yourself quickly; it's rather hard to do even simple things with quick efficiency when frustrated. you pick the almost whole vase of the stone side of the fountain; the smaller piece that got you here, clutched tightly between your fingers. through out, your lips are pressed tightly into themselves in a firm unmoving line.

you nearly bump into him as you walk past. just close enough to grab the last piece of the broken vase held between his fingers. there isn't a moment where you look back or try to find his gaze again.

he can't even get a word out, you didn't wait to hear it — didn't bother to. you miss the way his hand clenched at his side. tightened into a white knuckled fist with his nails digging into the warms of his palm before relaxing.

there are still ripples in the water of the fountain you were just in. it's angry and along with something else he can't point.

suguru extends his hand reaching for it. hovering over the disturbed water before touching the whole of his hand to it as gentle as he would you. resting on its surface, he's quelling it, it's anger and frustration. soothing it in the way he is unable to do for yours.

it may well only be his imagination, but the warmth of you that had been stolen by the fountain, leaving you shivering and cold, he could still feel it against his palm.

the touch of his hand to the water in the fountain suddenly feels incredibly perverse.

~~

she was clever.

though she did give herself too much credit for how clever she could be. in all her cleverness she still had a lack in experience and was filled to the brim with naïveté and ignorance she failed to recognize.

a rather lonely young girl who found solace in the click click of her typewriter. fingers moving fast over the keys. it's always in the background of her mind. so far removed and far in her own world, the young girl felt like a god amongst the simple people. the all knowing narrator; the all powerful author.

she found solace in the printed word. something that cannot be taken back once the mark on paper had been made.

she's in her room now, listening to the words of her cousin as she confides in her (staying with them because of her parent ongoing divorce.)

unfortunate as it may be, it's a story she's heard before. it's been done countless times and is just eo overused. it provides no novelty and no inspiration. it is of no interest to the young writer as it does nothing to support her pursuit for a good story. that won't come from her aunt and uncles divorce.

~~

suguru's back home, greeting his mother on his way in. he's been invited to dinner with your family tonight; although.. he was not a part of it, only the son of your family's housekeeper. he was raised like he wasn't one — grew up being treated kindly and raised along side you and your siblings. suguru felt at home in your home. he felt at home in the company of your family, he felt at home in the company of you.

he decides he'll write you a letter of apology to give you before dinner. to clear the air and avoid any unnecessary awkwardness or tension at the table. you're both adults, good friends, it was a small conflict (though he could hardly even call it that).

you will work this out.

he sits at his little desk, sliding a piece of paper into his typewriter and takes a deep breath before he starts. the clicks of his fingers on the keys fill his ears.

suguru has got just about a million crumpled copies of failed apology letters thrown aside when the frustration finally settles in.

it's become an unreasonably difficult task to write you, his oldest and closest friend, a letter. it's truly ridiculous.

the image of you, with your undergarments soaked through, hair wet and skin glistening. your eyes were wide; somehow, you were glowing in the light of the sun and yet shivering like a leaf. he can still see it. feel it.

a moment that had felt infinitely longer than it was. a moment that could stretch for an infinite more moments without any complaints from him.

the deep rise and fall of your chest, the pink hue that had taken over your face, the water droplets dragging down your skin — below your clothing — and back in his line of sight again.

how teasing. never could he have imagined feeling jealousy towards a droplet of water.

suguru managed to have picked up on all of this while maintaining kinda the contact of your gazes. for as long as he could; up until you made the first move to break it.

a heavy sigh leaves his lungs. it's quite hard to feel apologetic when such thoughts busy his mind. there is a tightness in his chest. and one in his pants too.

suguru faces his type write once again. his intentions this time, far less innocent than an apology to a dear friend. it's only between him and his typewriter, a rather private affair, but it's intense. his adams apple bobs in his throat when he sallows. he begins.

pressing the keys slower now, with much more force. as if a punishment. punctuating each letter printed on the paper.

it's short and it's concise, but it's descriptive and honest. he's so focused, like he's been tasked with writing the word of god from memory.

suguru laughs to himself a little when it's done. its more of a short pleased hum of satisfaction. relief. signing his name at the bottom to complet it. sighing as he hovers his fingers over the still drying ink.

he feels ready for that apology letter now.

~~

with the folded and sealed letter in hand, suguru's steps feel lighter and that weight on his shoulders lifted. a giddiness of sorts creeps up his throat; anticipation.

a little away, he spots your younger sister and calls out to her. he hands her the letter with instructions to deliver it straight to you. the girl gives him a quipped nod in affirmation and runs off quickly. the letter held in her hands like it hold all the secrets of the world.

it's only a moment later that the lightness in his earlier steps becomes a haunting, sinking feeling in his chest. a cold sweat quick to pool over his tan skin., and the worst taste he has ever had the displeasure to taste claws its way up his throat and finally erupts in his mouth.

as loud as he possibly can, he yells. calling out to her. for her to stop, to get that letter out of her hands.

~~

the girl was running fast, as fast as she could. overtaken by curiosity and interest, finally she has something she could work with. what did suguru feel he needed to write you instead of telling you himself at dinner later tonight?

she runs and runs and doesn't stop until she reaches her sanctuary, the door of her room slammed shut behind her. opening the letter with careful greedy hands, she's sitting on the edge of her bed as she reads through it.

the contents of the letter, the words written, hitting her face. the feeling somewhat similar to having your face splashed with cold water in an effort to wake you up. it's also awakening, enlightening if you.

~~

my dear y/n,

in my dreams, i kiss your cunt.

your sweet, wet cunt. in my thoughts,

i make love to you.

all day long.

suguru.

~~

she reads it once, then she reads it twice, and then she folds it back the way it was using the deep red wax stamp to seal it once again. composing her self quick. between this and the fountain incident she had witnessed, she feels older now. also a new sense of responsibility fills her. a responsibility to protect you, her beloved older sister, from the threat that had never been anticipated; suguru.

there's a knock at her door that snaps her out of it, her cousin. the other poor girl, comes in hardly containing her tears. she tells her about her two younger twin brothers have been so incredibly horrible to her, not understanding that it wasn't her fault they were staying with your family but the ongoing divorce of her parents.

the young girl does her best to try and console the other. in an effort to do just that, to distract her and taker her mind off it (as well as the fact that the young writer felt the need for a second opinion, this was so far out of her realm after all), she tells her about the letter. the two girls read it together.

the cousin is quick to believe that suguru is manic, her own diagnosis for him. the new friends split a short while later, each to get herself ready for the dinner tonight.

on her way, the girl remembers to seal the letter perfectly, and hand it to you. you deserve to know the truth about your so called 'friend'.

~~

the dinner table is a rather uncomfortable place to be at the moment. the air is suffocating from the heat of summer and the awkward tense weight dampening the atmosphere.

short, quipped, forced conversation with long stretches of silence. you are sitting at the edge of your seat, sweating bullets now as your eyes try to avoid suguru's however you can. he appears calmer than you're sure you do, but he obviously is not at ease either. the weight of your earlier encounter still heavy, still new.

your hands meet beneath the table. tracing along each others fingers and the lines in his palms.

the young writer is doing her best to act natural, shooting suguru piercing glares from where her head is lowered to face her plate. she knows.

your younger cousin tries engaging in conversation with your fathers friend, hiromi. your mother, her aunt, is quick to call the girl on her actions. "wipe off the lipstick dear, you are far too young for that." there's an underlying meaning, a reminder to her that she is just a girl. a child.

there's tense banter, back and forths and the

you strangely feel like an outsider at the table. in your own home you are an onlooker. removed from the innermost circle of your family.

the dinner, it's a transition of sorts. a shift. one filled with unease and an impending feeling of crisis on the rise.

~~

when suguru first arrives for dinner, dressed in a well pressed tuxedo and his hair tied neatly at the base of his neck with a few pieces framing his face. you're the one to answer the door. his eyes find yours before they unwillfuly drag down your form. it's only a quick glance, it doesn't last long. clearing his throat and his eyes are back to looking straight into yours.

"it was a mistake."

your response is quick, there's more he wants to say, you know that. "she read it."

though in part it could be expected, still its not a pleasant thing to hear or have to realize is the truth. "i'm so sorry. it was.. the wrong version."

mhm, "yes.", you've gathered that much, but regardless, that hardly changes the situation.

"it was never meant to be read. by anyone."

"no." of course it wasn't.

you weren't giving him anymore than one word yes or no answers. there is no room for conversation, in fact this interaction was hardly a conversation at all.

not granting him another word from your lips, you turn away and venture into the house — leading the two of you into the library. it's a dark room, illuminated only by the little light in the desk your flicked on upon arrival. leaning your hands on the desk as you turn to face him.

"what was written in the version that was meant to be read?"

he feels nervous, scared in this moment; he's walking on eggshells, his words measured and careful. "well i don't know it was.." he glances up at you "more formal. than that."

"less anatomical?"

he can't contain the short laugh that leaves him, it's rather silly in a way. pushing it down and clearing his throat, "yes"

the ticking of a clock in the background, a steady, constant sound. you can't decide if it's one you find comforting, filling the quiet moments, encouraging you. or whether it felt like a threat, counting down the limited moments you have before some horrible inevitably happens.

you look rather apprehensive now, next words coming out vulnerable and honest.

"i've never done anything like that before. i was so angry with you and with myself. i thought that if you'd went away then, i'd be happy. i don't know how to believe i could be so ignorant about myself,"

your steps pause and you turn towards suguru once more, "so stupid." your eyes sting. they burn. wet and ready to spill out over the confines of your eyelids.

he searches your face, eyes darting over it, not missing a single part. tentatively taking steps towards you as you take steps back. he isn't closing the space between you, only trying to keep it the same as it's been.

"you do know what i'm talking about. you knew even before i did."

realization can be such an interesting experience emotionally.

his expression now mirrors your own, eyes burning with wetness from what he feels in this moment, "why are you crying?"

"well.. don't you know?"

in two steps, the space between you no longer only maintained, it is closed, "yes, i know exactly."

you're pressed to the book-lined shelves of the library wall, and a kiss is to your lips. your first.

its urgent and eager, but it only last a second before he's pulling away; only a little, just enough to be able to look you in the eyes. and he waits.

your movement hesitant at first, pretty eyes fitting between his eyes and lips until the second kiss finally lands. it's slower, sweeter, kinder; though it remains just as eager as the first.

arms wrapping around his neck, bringing him further into you. suguru's hands are pulling the delicate straps of your dress down, holding them in his hands as he holds you. feeling you.

the kisses move from you lips to your cheek to your jaw. he moves down to kiss your neck and nip at your collar bone before he decides he misses your lips against his.

you bring your leg up to rest at one of the steps on the libraries ladder, opening yourself up further to him. his hands glide over your skin, making there way to the target destination.

gentle firm hands guide you. steady you.

you've never been this close to somebody before, it's exhilarating. and embarrassing. his touch on your skin so warm, gentle yet firm. it feels so good. you're lost in one another; in each others touch, each others breath, each others skin, you equally belong to each other now. you think you might always have.

"y/n"

"suguru"

"i love you" and all you could only return the sentiment to him tenfold. "i love you"

"y/n.." the voice is small, broken. and it neither yours nor sugurus. your younger sister. you pull away from each other, disentangling your limbs, left on the edge of what could've been. what should've been.

you leave the room without a word or glance in the young girl's direction. suguru follows shortly once he's tired his appearance. running through his disheveled hair in an attempt to smoothen the inky locks and brush out any knots. he ties it at the base of his neck once again, and fixes up suit.

on his way out of the library room, there's a pause. like he wants to say something, clarify, but ultimately he decides against it. leaving the room without a word to the distraught girl, who in the rooms now emptiness try's to calm herself and process what she had witnessed.

how could.. . someone do such a cruel thing to another person?

~~

the twins, your cousins had left the dinner table earlier. gone out to play they said. your sister finds a note on one of their chairs declaring that they've run away because their older sister had been mean to them. you, your younger sister, suguru, and your fathers friend hiromi, had set out to look for the two boys.

their older sister had made a rather dramatic exit at the table when the letter was read aloud.

your mother sits alone at the front step of the house refusing to call the police because she would have to hold conversation with the constables wife whom she found to be incredibly tiresome company. she instead thinks of how your father will be calling soon, saying he'll have to stay in the city a little longer to finish work. a lie so poorly concealed it's insulting. nothing significant will happen until my death. it's a sad bleak reality the woman had long fought but accepted for herself.

you return shortly after, along with your younger sister and cousin arriving with you. the twin boys not yet found.

~~

during the search for the twins, each person heads on differing direction.

your younger sister first makes her way to the pool, looking for the boys there. in her head she imagines the vivid image of them drowning and tries to express it in words. the young girl is also thinking about how she, for the first time in her life, has gotten to meet a real villain, and gotten to save someone who she cares for when in danger.

she decides to head to the island temple next to see if the twins had gone there. although she was frightened by the dark, she was no longer a child, and as such had a responsibility to go forth. it was more an action to prove to herself he'd truly become a grown up rather than just a child.

as she approaches, she she's a rather large figure she can't recognize, it begins moving when she casts her flashlight on it and breaks apart.

it had been two people?

the larger of the pieces had run off, a smaller figure left in the grass. trembling and teary and disoriented, a little voice she recognizes calls her name, it was her cousin.

the larger figure gets away from the scene quickly and your sister, rather than consoling the other girl, asks if her cousin could identify her attacker. quickly she follows up with the question, "was it suguru?"

it sounds more like a statement than. question. the write has a narrative in her head, written out so clearly she could never feel mistaken. the story in her mind of what she had seen needed no evidence.

the cousin, the poor girl, still firghtened and shattered doesn't confirm the suspicions, only saying that she didn't get to see who the attacker was as he had covered her eyes during the assault. she didn't know who it could've been, eventually though, she gave up on her attempts to explain. maybe she was right, after all if anyone might've seen him it would be her.

after returning to the house, the still frazzled girl is taken upstairs to her room to rest. meanwhile, your sister, a narrator who has the whole case figured out is the first to speak to the constable and investigators. with full confidence, she says the attacker had been suguru.

"are you sure about what you saw. did you see this with you mr own eyes" the man would ask again.

"yes."

"then tell me, what did you see"

"i saw suguru attacking her. he attacked my sister before. i saw it. i know what i saw. it was suguru im sure."

suguru on the other hand, is still yet to return. him, nanami, and the twins who have yet to be found.

when hiromi does return a short time later, you brief him on the situation, letting him now what had happened.

during the investigation with the officers, your sister remembers another piece of evidence she could present to them. the letter. surely it would be enough to prove that suguru would be capable of doing such a thing.

the house is a mess, there are police everywhere, investigators still conducting interviews, the twins and suguru are still missing, and everyone is convinced now that not only did he attack your cousin but you as well.

a ridiculous tale born from a childs immaturity and wild imagination, though there is no proof of that.

hours later, suguru returns with the twin boys safely in tow. his blazer removed and thrown over his arm, he's holding one of them by hand and carrying another on his shoulders. obviously m, he's glad he got to find the two boys safe and return them home, so he's rather confused when he sees the expression you make upon seeing him.

it's not at all what he'd have expected, from you or everyone else present.

glares and dirty looks are shot his way, when the boys realized the house was in sight, they let go of him and ran into it to try and avoid getting into any trouble for running away.

your mother sends your sister up to her room, asking that she follows the twins and ensures they make it to their room and she goes to hers after.

it's upsetting, she feels worry that her claims would be dismissed with the saviour act he'd put on. it would absolutely ruin her goals to make herself appear less child like. she wasn't a child, she had proved that much. she was thirteen.

when she gets to her room, she watches the window only to be met with the image of suguru being handcuffed by the police investigators. she can't help but breathe a sigh of relief, he'll be taken away, you'll be safe. he'll be punished. the sparks she needs to write her story have been ignited.

truly, a god amongst the people.

she sees you approaching him, speaking to him. the girl believes you're chastising him for his actions, for the assaults. from where she's looking down at the scene, she can't truly see either of your faces and she can't hear the conversation so when you take his hands in your own it confuses her.

nonetheless, the manic man will be taken away. in the end of it all, she has won.

~~

"suguru, i'll wait for you. come back. come back to me."

you sound exasperated, god does he feel that too, but that is a promise he cannot make to you right now.

he can't do anything right now. no more talks of studying to become a doctor, no conversation with you about well, you. it was all on hold for a possibly indefinite amount of time.

your argument by the fountain, your silly banter and teasing remarks,

his whole life, stolen from him in a single night.

~~

three and a half years later, suguru is on the front lines; a soldier stationed in france. his beautiful long hair has been chopped off and shaved so close to his scalp. he's lost weight and his bright mauve eyes turned sunken and gloomy. in passing, he's thought about whether they would still be capable of having wordless conversation with your own.

suguru is navigating the french country side, with two other solders (they've been separated from the rest of the unit earlier when the retreat in dunkirk began. it is where they're headed now). and though the two men outrank him, he has experience navigating in the country side while they do not, so he find himself leading the small group over to the coast.

the three men end up seeking shelter in an abandoned barn for the night before they're back continuing there journey the next morning.

it's not all the letters you've sent him, back when he was in prison and now, that would be too many for him to carry comfortably; but he has a small stack hidden in his uniform. right above his heart is where he keeps them. there's a little bloody injury in his chest, shrapnel, next to the space for his stack of letters.

that night, he thinks back to his days in a cell, the last words you said to him before he'd been dragged away. visitors weren't allowed, so he hadn't gotten to see you again until he joined the military.

suguru remembers the last time he seen you so well, memories of an ancient yesterday still so clear in his mind; memeories that can now only ever me memories. he'd been offered a reduced sentence, to be let free early if he joined the army. you'd began working as a nurse and cut off all ties with your family for their hand in his false conviction.

they should have known him. the did know him, or so he believed. to think of himself as your family and to feel at home there was a naive and all overly optimistic way of thinking.

at the cafe, it was then the last time he'd seen you. stuck working a job you were far too overqualified for because of him. it was a nervous exchange, uncertain and uneasy.

he felt a guilt seeing you there, waiting for him though he may never return again. he needed to tell you that.

"you don't owe me anything."

you don't need to leave your family. you don't need to leave your future. you have so much ahead of you.

this is his burden to bare and he refuses to share it with you. of course you're far to stubborn to allow for that. when ever have you failed to challenge him?

"have you not been reading my letters?", all he can do is stare, "suguru. if they allowed me to, if i was allowed to i would have visited you, everyday. i would have been there everyday without fail."

it hurts to says the words, coals burning in his chest and the fumes burning his throat on their way out, leaving a nasty taste in their wake.

"yes. yes i know, but y/n if all it is we have going for us, is a few mere moments in a library three and half years ago, then i don't think-"

the words make it seem small. they make the moment seem insignificant and it is in reality, to him, anything but. perhaps that's the truth, there is no justification for holding onto something so dearly. for making such a small moment bigger than you both. hoping that that momentary connection will save you both from the nightmare you've found yourselves living.

your hand comes up to cup his face, it's so gentle, there are little callouses on your fingertips now, still he relishes in the feeling of its coolness on his skin. "suguru, come back . come back to me."

oh, the look he gives you. his eyes look so sad, you can feel it; hopelessness. he's trapped.

he walked you to the bus stop after, you had another shift at the hospital coming up soon. you boarded the bus after you shared your last kiss. he's ran after the bus until he could no longer, and your eyes focused on him as you disappeared into the horizon until you lost sight of him.

the war had broken out soon after and he'd been drafted, you promised to keep writing him, to wait for him.

~~

the horrors of war had taken their toll on suguru. he's chest injury from the shrapnel aches, there are blisters forming on his feet from the walking, he's thirsty and he's hungry and he's dirty and he could have it so much worse.

when things get especially difficult, he returns to your promise. he returns to the morning by the fountain. he returns to you. suguru takes out a post card you gave him — back at the bus stop, from the stack he keeps; a picture of a white house with a blue roof by the ocean. it was so beautiful. it was a future with you.

"come back to me" he'll make sure of it.

as suguru and the two corporals he is temporarily leading make their way to dunkirk. the devastation of the war so clear around them. the ruins of towns and villages, bodies scattered around, the smell of blood, rotting flesh, and gunpowder is inescapable; a reminder of the looming threat to their survival. images of people being blown to pieces make themselves familiar in suguru's mind, it no longer fazed him; it's a familiar sight. though it's one that's consuming him.

how is it things came to this?

~~

six years ago, three years from the incident, suguru recalls a moment that had been nearly forgotten by him.

she was ten at the time, he'd went out with her to the river for a swimming lesson. he was tasked with teaching her how to swim. the lesson had gone well, she did learn fast. truly a bright child.

when the lesson was over, suguru now dried off with a towel over his shoulders to dry his hair, she asked him a question. "if i feel into the river, would you save me?" she asked. it was strange but he hadn't thought much about it, "of course." besides that the girl wanted to be a writer, maybe it was a line she was testing to see how it would land.

but then he heard a splash. she had jumped in. suguru didn't really have a choice but to save her. now he's dripping wet again, scolding her about being so reckless. it was not have been the reaction she had expected at all.

suguru being angry enough to scold her? she only wanted to see if he was telling the truth about saving her.

the girl explained that she jumped in to see if he would save her because she loved him. suguru didn't conceal the way his eyes had rolled at that, because however annoying that moment may have been, it was entirely insignificant.

maybe that's why. maybe it was jealousy?

~~

at long last, suguru and the two men that have grown to be people he considered friends, find their way to the shore. they have reached dunkirk.

it's loud, crowded, and chaotic. a few fights had broken out between the men, blaming someone for something or the other had caused death. it's a scary thought but, even when suguru returns to you, he won't be a free man. he's completed his sentence for the crime he did not commit, he fought in the war to atone for something he never did and to gain his freedom, but in that suguru had truly become a guilty man. he's committed murder. more than he has the heart to count.

he tried to in the beginning, to in some cruel way try to honour the lives he took, but it got out of hand. the numbers too big and growing too fast. is it possible for a man to leave the battlefield with a clear conscious?

that night, suguru and his two mates found an old abandoned house by the shore to rest for the night. there were other soldiers already there but the found themselves a spot.

exhaustion is quite a funny thing because you don't feel it in its full until you rest. his bones are heavy and his muscles ache from the strain. the little wound in his chest from the shrapnel is taking longer to heal than previously expected, but to complain or worry about a such a small gash in a space with others who have lost limbs doesn't feel right. to take up a space for care or use up supplies would be wrong.

despite everything, suguru has it good.

before he falls asleep, suguru thinks outloud about staying in france. maybe he could find a way to save more than he's hurt.

one of his friends reminds him there are boats on their way to take them back to london. he asks that they wake him up when the boats get here, his hand clutched over his chest where he keeps the stack of your letters and the post card of the house by the ocean.

you're waiting for him, and against all the odds, he will come back to you.

~~

back in london, your younger sister, is now working as a nurse in training at a hospital. not the life she'd imagined of going to study at cambridge like you had, but it's keeping her occupied.

she still writes. she writes letters to you ( there's never a response but she never stops), she writes to your mother but is keeping her distance, she writes short stories she submits to local newspapers in hopes of getting published (nothing so far). she writes mostly in her journal now. the click click of her typewriter set aside.

there is an aid of dread and despair. it came after news of the english retreat. the girl had also received a letter from her father informing her of the marriage of her childhood friend and cousin's marriage to nanami. they are to be wed the following week.

the news she receives in her fathers letter brings to the surface her years old guilt. she's known for a while after the incident that summer that she in fact did not know what she saw.

the knowledge she carried with her for sometime now: the attacker that night had not been suguru, it had been hiromi.

she couldn't free herself from the guilt. no matter how much of her life she has given up, no matter how good of a nurse she is, she could never make up for what she had done.

on her walk to the hospital, she sees people. friends, family, couples, engaging in mindless chatter. what ever could be so interesting? they're lives seem so lovely, so carefree. what would that be like she wonders. would she ever get to experience it?

her and a friend she made working at the hospital meet up on their way to work. an ambulance approaches the hospital, the two young women rush towards it wanting to help in anyway they can.

as she's cleaning and dressing the leg of one of the injured, she takes in how many injured men have arrived this morning alone. could suguru be among them? could he forgive her if she cared for him the way she did for this soilder now. would he free her if the torment she subjects herself to if she healed him?

after the rush in the hospital that morning, she learns her short story had been published and received lots of praise for it: a retelling of the moment at the fountain, starring you and suguru and herself as a child.

a week later, she takes the morning off to make her way to the church where her cousin is to marry hiromi. she takes a seat in the back row, watching the two read their vows. when the vicar asks the small crowd if there were any objections to the union, though merely a formality. she considers objecting, halting the wedding, and naming hiromi as the attacker that summer three and a half years ago.

who would believe her now?

she goes to visit your flat later. she's been trying to get a hold of you, but it's been difficult. you're difficult to track and incredibly talented at avoiding unwanted company. to her suprise, when she gets there, you let her in.

it's a small place, not in the best condition either, but she's glad you have somewhere to return to. you talk, she tells you about the wedding she had just attended, and you talk about clearing suguru's name. in the middle of your conversation the afore mentioned man comes out of the bedroom.

it's a mixture of shock and relief. the idea that he may have died in france now seeming ridiculous, it would be so unlike him.

suguru turns furious at the sight of her. overcome with the emotions he's gathered from his time in prison and in the war. yelling that she leaves, that she'd ruined not only his own life, but yours as well. she tells him she wants to make things right, to clear his name.

"i want to help. let me help. ive realized the horrible mistake ive made. i was a child, and i i didnt understand. it wasn't you. i know that now."

oh how ridiculous she still sounds. there is damage that cannot be undone through apologies or recognition that the damage exists. it feels cruel and stupid of her to be here to begin with.

suguru, come back. come back to me

soothing him. you hold his face in your hands, keeping him from looking at her. "look at me. suguru look at me. come back to me."

the three of you discuss what you want her to do. first of all, she'll go to your parents and tell them the whole truth of the situation and what she had done. next, she'll withdraw her initial testimony against suguru.

on her way out, she apologizes to you a final time, and secretly hopes you'll let her see you again.

she can see the two of you from where she stands through the window of your flat. holding each other close. embracing one another with so much love no matter your circumstance. it's so beautiful.

if for nothing else, than she is glad that she at least was unable to hurt the love you and suguru felt for one another. it's been left unmarred by her and the war. safe from all the destruction that surrounds you both.

~~

"three.. . two.. . one... .we're live again!"

the year is 1999. the war has long been over, the world has moved on. the young girl, now an old woman, has gone on to become a renowned novelist. with ths release of her twenty first novel on her seventy seventh birthday.

"ms s/n l/n, welcome again. we wanna talk now about your new novel, atonement. a story of star crossed lovers and love that persists beyond all odds. it's set to come out on your birthday, only a few days from now. it is your twenty first novel and-"

"it's my last novel. i won't be able to write for much longer. not that i am retiring, i never really considered this a job. it's just all i know how to do.

i'm. i'm dying.

i am told, by my doctor that is, that i have vascular dementia. my understanding of it, is that my brain will slowly begin shut itself off and eventually i will die of it.

i think that's why i could finally get myself to complete the novel. it would be my last and i felt i had to get it out and into the world.

it's strange,

umm, this novel is my last. also this novel was my first. my first ever novel.

i've been writing it, countless drafts and copies, since i worked at the hospital during the great war.

i could never quite find the right words for it."

"so then this novel is autobiographical. was that perhaps the problem that you found in writing it?"

"yes, it is entirely autobiographical.

i had made the decision to tell no lies, only the complete truth. no play on words or use of any rhymes. i got first hand accounts for all the events i hadn't witnessed and wrote the content of the story exactly as it had happened.

but... i found no worthiness in it. "

"no worthiness in the truth..?"

"yes. no worthiness in the truth.

because the truth is, that i never went to visit my sister. in truth, i was too much a coward to do that. to face her, and suguru. that was all imagined, it never truly happened.

it never could have happened.

suguru geto, had died of septicaemia, blood poisoning, on the beaches of dunkirk on the last morning of the evacuation. from what i was told, the cause was a small untreated wound from a piece of shrapnel that had pierced his chest. he never did see her again.

they never had their reunion.

my older sister y/n, well, i was never able to set things right between us. in part due to my own cowardice and in part because she died in a bombing at balham underground station during the blitz. i.. the last i saw of her was in my attempts to visit her where she worked at another hospital, she would always brush past me when she did see me. wouldn't even yell or scold me like i was used to as a child.

and so.. . my dear sister and suguru had never gotten the thing they longed for and deserved more than anyone i know. they never got time together, or a life together.

something that i felt i had prevented.

you see, i understand why people read. i understand why people write; likely, i understand better than most.

and as i wrote and read the drafts of the novel that told the truth of this story, i thought to myself, what hope.. what gratification or fulfilment or satisfaction can be given to a reader with an ending like that?

hopeless? pain? suffering? that is not why we read.

so in the book, i wanted to give suguru and y/n what they had lost out on in life, all the things they could never have.

i don't like see it as evasive or cowardly but rather as kind.

i gave them their happiness.

i let them love one another.

i gave them a life in that house by the ocean. one filled with laughs and love and sincerity. it's all that they wanted. it's all they deserve.

its all that i.. took away.

soon i will die, and all the characters in the novel, who are real people who still live will too. we will only exist in those pages and in those lines.

all that will exist of y/n and suguru is the story i have written.

all that will be exist for them too"

"the title of the book, 'atonement', it's referring to yourself. correct? your own atonement."

"yes."

"have you atoned ms. l/n?"

"hmm" it's a small sound. unexpectedly, it's rather pleasant too. the woman's eyes softened age from the sharp ones she had as a child, though they remain just as piercing.

"it's difficult for me to say. one cannot decide for themselves if they have atoned can they? and the only two people who could say, well, they're gone.

maybe that makes this easier."