I Want To Be His Favorite.

i am so fucking tired

We are meant to be together! We always have been and always will be together! There's nothing you can do about it! We will be together one way or another! You love me and I love you! Why is it hard for you to see that we are meant to be together?! It's destiny!

feeling abandoned over the smallest things ever slay

i wish so deeply for someone to love me. for once, someone to love me with my best interests in mind, the same way i have been selflessly loving others my whole life. love me like a person, not a concept. love me like a person, not a toy. love me like a person, not a distraction. love me like a person, not a buffer for the in-between. love me like i love them. with all their heart.

Am I the only one who doesn’t improve because they refuse to try.

I always say “I don’t like deep breathing”. “It doesn’t work” I say. But I don’t even try.

“I don’t like meditating” I say, “it doesn’t work” i say. But I don’t even try.

“I can’t journal” I say, “it doesn’t help” I say. but I don’t even try.

Why? Because it can’t be that simple. If it’s that simple than I’m not as traumatized, or as damaged, or as far gone as I thought I was, and it almost feels like all of this was for nothing. I feel like I don’t have it bad enough and therefore I don’t deserve help, nor do I want it because of that.

It almost feels as if when I heal, all this suffering was for nothing, all this time struggling to get better was for nothing, all those panic attacks and dangerous driving and self harm, when it was always just…that simple.

So I don’t even try. Because if it works, it’s been too simple all along and I have suffered at my own expense for nothing.