You're Smart Enough To Know The Difference Between Resting And Rotting. You'll Be Happier When You Choose

On Being Socially Accepted / Well Liked

Human beings are sociable animals. No matter the degree of sociability, there’s a part of us that wants to be loved, nurtured and accepted by those around us.

I didn’t want to make a guide of how one should be likeable, because if you think a little - from all the people you like, do you like them for the same reason? Not necessarily. You may like one friend for their humour; another for being a solid person thick and thin; a third for their extroverted personality… we’re all different and should be!

Now, you may have certain qualities that you want in all your relationships, regardless of the person. For instance, I’m very adamant about transparency and loyalty. Loyalty to me doesn’t mean standing up for me even if I’m wrong - it means caring for me enough to tell me I’m wrong. However, these qualities wouldn’t make you likeable per se - they would make you accepted within a social circle.

So how does one become likeable?

1. Ease up on the doormat culture

You’ll notice that most of the people you like are capable of having an independent opinion and thought. People pleasers may come across as inauthentic and dicey, especially the ones who change their opinion to agree with the majority. So start cutting out the people pleasing behaviour.

2. Have hobbies

You’ll generally gravitate more towards someone who seems to have their life together as opposed to someone who doesn’t. I’m always keen to talk to someone who does something a little different in their free time. I remember talking to a physicist who also wrote poetry - I was very intrigued by his work, and I invited him to my NYE party along with his girlfriend.

Now, there’s nothing wrong with not having your life together as long as you’re at least trying to make it better. Hobbies don’t have to be expensive. It’s also a better way to expand your circle- not all your friends will enjoy pottery or tennis, for instance.

3. On emotional/ trauma dumping

The worst people to guide you in life, my father always told me, are your friends. Blind leading the blind.

Your friends may have a good heart but not necessarily good advice. Keep the trauma dumping to a minimal unless your friend is okay with you sharing more. Bear in mind that even as a listener, when you hear someone’s traumatic experiences, you may feel emotionally overwhelmed.

Never share your private experiences, current situations, drama, problems, gossip with acquaintances or friends who you’re not particularly close to. Trust me, it can be tempting to engage in catty behaviour but there’s a good chance it’ll bite you in the ass.

4. Figure out your strengths

I know what I bring to the table when it comes to friendship - gentle honesty, alternative solutions and perspectives to issues and I’m always a planner.

One of my friends is a blunt critic and I always speak to her when I know I need a reality check about life.

Another friend is very non judgemental, she’s the one I open up to about the weird things I think of.

A third friend is my party friend, who is 100% the life of the party and I love his energy.

We can’t share the same relationship with everyone. Understand your strengths and hone them.

5. Likeable people don’t care about being likeable

Become detached from this idea of “I want to be liked.” Rather than that, I feel the statement “I want relationships who accept me for who I am” make more sense. As you grow older, you’ll realise that this teenager definition of popularity is nothing but inauthentic bullshit. You deserve friends who care for you and cheer you on.

The idea of “I want to be liked/ popular” also low-key reeks of desperate behaviour. It shows that you don’t really care about your thoughts or opinions as long as you’re accepted and you’re ready to modify your opinions to fit in. That’s the worst way to making friends because you literally can’t be yourself.

6. Yes, looks do matter

Looks do matter to a degree. I don’t mean that in a sense of physical features - I mean it from a sense of grooming.

I’ve noticed that people will be taken more seriously if you look a certain way. That doesn’t mean you have to buy stuff until your money runs out - it just means being at a healthy weight, dressing well, practicing personal hygiene.

7. Observational skills

Whenever I’m at an event and I notice someone feeling left out, I go and talk to them.

I remember being in the shoes long ago and feeling uncomfortable going to places. So when I see someone in the same position, I try to be the person I wanted at that point of time.

It’s important to have keen observation skills but what’s even more important is dealing with it subtly. I remember a girl at a party wearing a dress with the price tag still attached to the neckline at the back. I casually went over, put a hand on her back, discreetly whispered that her tag was out, should I put it back in? She said yes, and I put the the tag inside her dress without people around us noticing me. Discretion is a must in life. Don’t shout your good deeds- do them, don’t get flattered by compliments when people tell you that you were nice, and just play it off like it’s not a big deal.

8. Being impolite

I read a study that polite people are harder to connect with. Overly polite people can be seen as boring and that you need more energy to talk to them because the conversation only revolves around a few “polite” topics (studies, career, life in general, how nice the establishment is, the weather, common friends… surface conversation). I’m not saying don’t be considerate - I’m saying don’t be overly polite. Don’t be over accommodating to other people. You can disagree with things respectfully. You can share a different perspective or crack a joke.

9. What are you like?

Are you better one on one or in groups?

I’m a much better person one on one. I resonate with people better when we have a conversation - when it’s a group, it’s just the usual hi-hellos.

You may prefer groups, if one on one conversations seem too vulnerable.

How do you figure this trait out? Ask yourself a simple question : if you had a meet a new person, would you rather meet them alone at a cafe or at a party with your friends?

Figuring this out is important because it gives you a sense of the relationships you value and how you can take them forward.

10. A balanced ratio of talking and listening

Try to listen more than you can talk. This advice is useless if you’re talking to an introvert. With most introverts I’ve noticed that they WILL talk to you - as long as they don’t have to make the first move. Once you set the ball rolling, they’re happy to talk.

So you have to understand how and when to switch being an active listener and speaker.

A simple generalised guide:

When dealing with extroverts: ask basic/ generic/ yes or no questions, give opposing opinions (most extroverts are generally up for a challenge) and listen more in the beginning, switch to talking more later.

When dealing with introverts: again, ask questions but you can make them more subjective than objective, less generic and definitely no yes/no questions. Talk more in the beginning and then listen more later, to make them comfortable.

to all of my dolls finding themselves:

originality is the "aesthetic" you are looking for. individuality is the "it factor" you are looking for. from your personality, pieces, hair, cadence of voice...even down to your favorite foods or special interests. you aren't supposed to change every aspect about yourself to be more palatable for everyone you meet. that actually makes you BORING!!!

"but so and so is doing this" "but what if people don't like it" ... so??? don't take people disliking your aesthetic as a sign that you need to do something different. like, of course they don't like it or have second thoughts - it's because THEY wouldn't do it themselves because it wouldn't go with THEIR given aesthetic. HELLOO??????

unless they are like minded, stop asking other people to weigh in on the things you CLEARLY like about yourself. especially if it's a core personality trait or interest. your LIFE isn't a group project. your LIFE is not a co-op game.

and yes... people will try to force you to assimilate and follow the crowd by speaking misfortune on your rebrand, your expression, your hobbies, your chosen path out of jealousy. however, that jealousy is lowkey unspoken respect for the fact you have the candor to go against homogeneity.

your authentic dedication to everything that makes you YOU is what will bring you the illustrious life you so fervently seek in the end...not some book a celebrity wrote or a youtube video. it's in YOUR DNA to be a star already in anything you want to do.

there isn't one tutorial on this world wide web that will help you if you don't realize you have the components within you first. there is NOTHING wrong with you!!! you are EVERYTHING that is right already!!!

NEVER conform to the way they think you should shine.

Don't fall for the lie of "doing everything in moderation", following that line of thought will never lead you to achieve anything exceptional. Some things you simply do not do, because you prioritize your end goal and vision above quick pleasures that are counterproductive to your growth as person and we'll being. Don't let anyone shame for being "extreme" in areas you refuse to compromise on, extreme people produce extreme results.

Your environment shapes your self image & mindset more than you imagine. Deep cleaning instantly makes everything feel lighter like you’re wiping away old energy and making room for something new. Moving your bed to a different spot might seem small, but waking up from a new angle can literally shift your perspective. Adding a plant to your bedside table brings you fresh energy. Throwing away things that remind you of your old self – If it carries weird energy or feels tied to a version of you that no longer fits, it’s gotta go. Make space for the new you. Your space is a reflection of you so when you refresh it, your mindset naturally follows

Charles James Ball Gowns, New York, 1948

Photograph by Cecil Beaton

Elegance is about simplicity and timelessness. It is about being unapologetically authentic, with no concern to following any trends or social conventions of beauty. It is about carrying yourself with confidence regardless of what you are wearing or how you look; it’s not about possessions or material wealth. It’s the grace of one’s heart, a lovely poise, and integrity. It does not seek to boast or demand attention to itself, because it knows its own high value.

people will really be bothered from you for being soft, and living life at ease. i’m sorry, i don’t run on chaos, cortisol, and victim mentality. i show up for myself. i put in the work. i’m kind because it keeps my spirit light, not for applause. you should try it, and you’ll feel less triggered from others living with calmness and appreciation.

40 Examples of Self Abandonment 🤕👎💭💔

Self-abandonment means not taking care of yourself, your needs, and your feelings. It's like ignoring what's good for you and not being kind to yourself normally in a way that benefits everyone but you.

Not eating well or exercising.

Pretending to be happy when you're not.

Working too much without breaks.

Staying in a bad relationship.

Letting people use you.

Forgetting about things you enjoy.

Not saying what you want.

Always doing things for others.

Not asking for help when you're sad or stressed.

Being alone when you need friends.

Saying mean things to yourself in your head.

Giving up your dreams for others.

Avoiding problems instead of solving them.

Never taking time to relax.

Ignoring how you look or feel.

Not asking for help when things are too hard.

Trying to be perfect all the time.

Doing things that hurt you, like drugs or danger.

Changing who you are to fit in.

Not being yourself and doing what others want.

Ignoring your body when it needs rest or sleep.

Letting others make decisions for you all the time.

Keeping your feelings bottled up inside.

Surrounding yourself with people who bring you down.

Not pursuing your interests or hobbies.

Saying "yes" to everything, even when you're overwhelmed.

Putting up with disrespect or mistreatment from others.

Not giving yourself credit for your accomplishments.

Skipping important appointments or check-ups.

Holding onto grudges and negative emotions.

Comparing yourself unfavorably to others.

Not taking breaks when you're stressed.

Neglecting your financial well-being and overspending.

Ignoring signs of burnout or exhaustion.

Avoiding seeking help for mental health struggles.

Ignoring your own intuition and gut feelings.

Overcommitting and spreading yourself too thin.

Constantly seeking validation from others.

Letting fear hold you back from trying new things.

Dwelling on past mistakes and not forgiving yourself.

My Self Love & Acceptance Tips🤍

Every day isn’t easy, remember that self love isn’t an overnight thing. It takes time, and work. Be patient with yourself, and go with the flow learning about who you are. Your time will come to flourish and be your best self, every journey goes at a different pace. And remember that self love has a different meaning for everyone, what works for some, may not work for others.

Your Self Image

It all starts with how you view your own self, and value your own worth. Because when you start to love yourself, and value who you are, your whole life changes. Such as the people around you, your mentality, your appearance, your successes, etc. So change the way you think, and talk about yourself into a more positive tone. Avoid doubts, or toxic self talk.

Deep Inner Work.

Shadow work is highly important. We get to know ourselves on a deeper level, and learn about what we need to do to become high vibrational beings. It’s important to work on the deeper layers of our minds, where we hide all unresolved fears, blockages, wounds, and traumas. Shadow work is important for our physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health.

Explore what is holding you back.

Having low self esteem is often the result of false and unrealistic thoughts that are deeply within our minds. Such as assumptions, beliefs, comparisons, doubts, expectations towards ourselves and others. Learn about what is holding you back, and what needs to be done in order to break the bad habits/behaviours. Dissociate yourself from everything, and anyone that brings these emotions forward.

Be comfortable in your own solitude.

Every day make time for yourself to rewind, relax and reflect alone. Being alone gives us time to think, work out problems, reflect on our goals, express gratitude for our gifts and blessings, and helps us listen to ourselves, and what we need. It builds independence. And you’re also less likely to accept bad behaviours from others, because you’re very much aware of who you are and what you want.

Trust your intuition.

Trusting your intuition will help you live a life true to yourself and your deepest needs, being aware of your surroundings, emotions and intentions from others. Be aware of how you’re feeling around certain people, and situations. Take these feelings into consideration, as it’s your subconscious trying to tell you something.

Set boundaries

Setting boundaries is highly important. It shows others how you view yourself, and how they should treat you. Don’t be afraid to say “no” more often, and set boundaries. If something is going to make you unhappy or uncomfortable, say no. If you simply don’t have the energy for something, say no. If you want to say no, say no! And cut ties with those who make your life unecessarily stressful. Think about what your values are, what you believe in and what you’d like out of others. This also applies to yourself, make sure you’re setting limitations on what isn’t good for you from you!

Explore your passions.

What gives you motivation? What fills you with pure joy? When we tend to forget about our needs, and push them to the side, we often lose sight of what truly makes us happy in life. So make time for your hobbies, and passions. Do whatever makes you happy, and awakens your inner child.

Reduce your stress levels.

It’s been proven that stress contributes to so many health issues, so it’s important to learn how to reduce, and deal with it when it happens. You can do so in so many ways by reducing your expectations for yourself, and others, healthy routines, good diet, working on how we view ourselves, and so much more.

Accept your flaws, celebrate your strengths.

We are all imperfectly perfect. Everyone has something that they’re amazing at, and not so good at. It’s normal, it’s human nature. It doesn’t make you any less of a person for having flaws, it’s what makes you uniquely and beautifully you. Instead of focusing too much at what you’re not good at, bring your attention to your strengths and how you can become the best version of yourself.

Stop comparing.

Comparison is a killer to your self esteem. When we invest our time watching what others are doing, and how they look, it’s time wasted that we could invest in ourselves. Spend energy nourishing and building your path. Remove anything that makes it harder for you, whether it’s social media, a friendship with someone, etc. “We don’t grow green grass by focusing on our neighbor’s garden, we do it nurturing our own.”

Stop seeking validation.

The need for approval kills your freedom. Strengthen your self acceptance, so that you feel strong enough to go with what feels right for you, and not what others are saying. Our life was made for us to live however way we think is right, and living for others leads you to a path of pure unhappiness. Figure out why the need of approval from others is so important to you, where does it come from? Is it something that you haven’t healed from? Learn how you can change these habits, and live freely on your own decisions and acceptance.

Create healthy habits/routines.

Start truly caring for yourself. Create habits that are healthy, mentally and emotionally. Be intentional about what you put into your body, not because you want to look good but because you want to feel good. Feeding your body nutrient rich foods will have you feeling your absolute best. Have a self care day once a week. Create more self love + care rituals. Upkeep your beauty maintenance. Dress your best. Work out more often, something as simple as walking every day. Have organized morning and night routines that make life easier for you. Do whatever it is that’s important for your well being, and what will make you feel more confident, and happy.

Own a journal.

Keep a journal to store all your thoughts, emotions, and capture your life journey in writing. It’s a great way to keep yourself in check, and look back at how far you’ve come. Give yourself goals to accomplish, and what you need to do in order to reach them. Create lists about what is great about you, what you need to work on, and what you need to let go of.

Do more of what you’re good at.

Spending more time doing hobbies you're good at will not only boost your endorphins, but will also boost your self esteem. Do more of whatever brings you to your happy place!

Protect your inner peace, vibration and energy.

The less likely you are to react towards others, the more at peace and powerful you’ll be. Teach yourself to be so calm, and safe within yourself. That no one and nothing can take away your peace. Understand that anyone that chooses to be negative towards you without good reasoning, are only projecting their own problems, and insecurities onto you. Remember that our energy will effect how we feel towards ourself, so choose wisely on what you give importance to.

Be more grounded.

Being grounded means you feel at home with yourself. You are present and at peace. You’re less worried about past moments, or the future. You’re more grateful of everything around you. You feel overall happier, and radiant.

I really can’t with these ‘femininity guide’ posts that want to have women behaving like they just time-travelled from 1955. Getting in touch with your divine feminine is fundamentally about authenticity, not performance. Marilyn Monroe, Rihanna, Meghan Markle, Monica Bellucci, Dita Von Teese, Saweetie, and Amal Clooney are markedly different types of women but they are all rightfully considered feminine. 

If the vintage, old Hollywood vibe is authentic to you, then by all means, please embrace it. But if that is just not who you are, you will end up performing for the rest of your life. The unifying factor that makes all the aforementioned women attractive is their confidence. They carry themselves with an air of grace and self-assuredness that is irresistible and undeniably feminine. Obviously take care of your appearance, move with grace, and practice etiquette, but don’t put on a costume. You won’t be able to keep up the act forever, and people will eventually see right through it.

Here are my personal tips for cultivating divine feminine energy:

Practice following your intuition. Our patriarchal society places a huge premium on logic but it is very healthy and necessary to honor your emotions. Check in with yourself to gauge how you’re feeling in different situations. This makes it easier to set healthy boundaries and choose what is right for you.

Connect more deeply with your body. For me, this looks like yoga, breath work, and dry brushing. Practice listening to your body and honor what it tells you.

Practice self-inquiry. Interrogate your assumptions. Ask yourself why you have certain reactions to things. Engage with your shadow self, don’t run away from it. 

Cultivate openness, compassion, love, and gentleness towards the world and yourself.

Explore your sensuality. Make it a point to appreciate and celebrate beauty in your life. Surround yourself with aesthetically pleasing things and enjoy sensual pleasures. 

Explore your sexuality. Female sexuality is often policed which leads to sexual hang ups that need to be overcome. Interrogate and heal hypersexuality as well as hyposexuality. Get to know yourself intimately. I took burlesque and pole dancing classes to learn how to tap into the more sexual part of me.

Create ritual and sacred space. My nighttime routine is very important to me. I do my skincare, haircare, and bodycare, pray, and just get in touch with myself. Carve out some time in your day to do the same, whatever it looks like for you.

To put it simply, getting in touch with your femininity should be a spiritual practice. I’m happy to elaborate if anyone has questions.