He’s The Cutest Stop It

Star Wars AU Masterlist

(The Naruto Masterlist, previous pin)

Under a cut so I can edit as it grows. Since this list got long enough that tumblr started glitching when I tried to add more links, I’ve made other posts as well.

I have hit the maximum link limit… many times over.

Modern, Historic, Crossovers, and Otherwise Not Canonverse

Time Travel AUs: I have enough that they get their own list

Headcanons: Exactly what it says on the tin

Ships Masterlist: ships I do a lot with, not including nsfw

That Which is Unsafe for Work: You know the drill, folks. Tread carefully, for 18+ only.

Shitposts Collective: Shitposts

Wider AUs masterlist: masterpost for the AUs that have more than two parts

In the Big Leagues: for posts about fics that have made it to AO3

Miscellaneous: Star Wars Fic Writing Jokes, Discourse, Rec Lists, and Liveblogs

Meme Fills: What it says on the tin

If a line has an asterisk (*), then it’s been reworked into a proper fic on my AO3.

LAST UPDATED: Jan. 15th, 2023

This is currently separated into:

Random AUs (organized by era)

Modern AUs

Children and related (organized by era)

Weiterlesen

a very distinguished gentleman…..

Enoch is my only character who ill concede to being unironically pretty, but they make up for it by being a perfect idiot

So, Anakin mowing down the younglings is pretty well known atp, but I randomly wondered... was it absolutely necessary to do that?? Could you not simply re-educate the young Jedi, create your own messed up little army of darkside force-wielding children?

Born from a joke during a conversation with @pjo-tvs-version, here's a star wars crack AU, laughingly dubbed...

SITH SCHOOL AU

Anakin doesn't kill the younglings, and doesn't go to Mustafar. Instead, he stays behind on Coruscant to establish a new institution, a.k.a the titular 'Sith School'. Pulpy Palpatine thinks it'll be a good idea to fortify the place and start brainwashing teaching the younglings ASAP. Catch 'em young, as they say.

Obi-Wan catches wind of the turn of affairs and, still reeling from the shock of it all, decides to not confront Anakin/Vader. He informs Padmé of what has happened and stops her from trying to go find Anakin. They leave Coruscant as fast as possible to find a safe place to regroup with the survivors, bide their time and decide upon their next move.

Flash forward a few years, Padmé is now one of the leaders of the Rebellion and raising her twin children along with 'Uncle Obi-Wan'. Anakin/Vader is running the 'Sith School' along with Palpatine while keeping an iron grip on the state of affairs. The Rebellion clashes with the Empire and he manages to sense that his kid (I'm going with the headcanon that he can only sense Luke) is alive somewhere, presumably with Padmé. How wonderfully convenient would it be, he thinks, if he could bring his kid to the Sith School!

He decides to contact Padmé while Pulpy looks on this development with growing alarm and starts to play Mind Games^TM again. Not only will this throw a potential spanner in his plans, but may also disrupt the regimented manipulation of the minds of the students of the Sith School!

Anyway, so Vader holocalls Padmé who is desperately trying to control two powerful force-wielding toddlers and is understandably furious like

"HOW DARE YOU HAVE THE AUDACITY TO PROPOSE THIS YOU PIECE OF BANTHA-"

"Padmé, listen to me, this is about our child's education-"

"Correction: Children. And trust me, you wouldn't last a day with them." *cuts the holocall*

Vader is miffed, distracted and shocked ("Children?? PLURAL???") while Palpatine is losing his mind in the background.

Cody gets bitten by a werewolf sometime during the war, and can transform at will with no full moon requirement, effectively becoming himself as a very large dog

he and Obi-Wan conspire to keep this fact hidden, as they're very aware of the danger of the Kaminoans finding out and disappearing him into their labs

when Order 66 goes out, Cody has a split second to fight it

and, well. wolves aren't exactly good soldiers, and you can only sort of expect them to follow orders.

transformed, Cody runs straight to the General, but when he gets there, he realizes that he can't actually warn him of the danger, because he can't transform back to explain without the Order taking hold

but he can whine sadly and pull on Obi-Wan's ridiculous sleeves with his teeth until Obi-Wan gets the hint and lets him lead him away to safety in a stolen ship

they make the rendezvous with Bail and Yoda

(Bail: what's with the dog Obi-Wan?

Obi-Wan, sweating: it's, um, a service dog

Yoda: ...fake, that sounds, but okay)

and then Cody and Obi-Wan make the trip to the Temple to disable the beacon, with Cody fighting off his brothers as nonlethally as he can while Obi-Wan does his best to follow his lead

after they find the evidence of Anakin's betrayal and receive Yoda's assignment, Obi-Wan sobs into Cody's fur the whole flight to Padme's apartment, and then silently the whole flight out to Mustafar hidden aboard her ship

while Obi-Wan is busy fighting with Vader, Cody manages to drag Padme's unconscious body back aboard her ship, then sneaks back closer to the fighting just in time to see the end of the duel

(if he waits to act until Obi-Wan is just far enough to not notice when Anakin's screams cut out, well, that's his own business)

he follows Obi-Wan back to the ship and drapes himself across the man's lap the whole way to Polis Massa

after Padme's death and her children's birth, Cody demands that they keep at least one of the babies

(look at his puppy dog eyes. how can you so cruelly deprive him of tubies like this.)

so Luke grows up with his Uncle Ben and their very strange, very large dog, Cody

when they end up on the Death Star nearly two decades later, Cody materializes from wherever he'd been lurking on the station just in time to drag Obi-Wan to safety during his duel with the Grand Inquisitor

as soon as their bedraggled group arrives on Yavin, Rex shows up to eagerly greet his former General; Cody, while thrilled to see his brother alive, starts viciously growling at him as he approaches: he might not understand in detail how the chips work, but he knows what he experienced that day, and he's seen what his brothers have done since then

Obi-Wan explains the situation to the man from the Cody-approved distance of half the hangar away, how Cody transformed one day and has refused to turn back since, and Rex immediately expresses his confusion, asking if they haven't removed Cody's chip

(Cody: I assure you, I did NOT let anyone microchip me!)

following Rex's explanation, Cody rushes them all to the medbay to undergo surgery, leaving Obi-Wan to explain to Luke how their 'dog' is actually his other Uncle

while Obi-Wan and Cody are distracted desperately making out with each other in the medbay, Luke sneaks off to destroy the Death Star, setting them up to all live happily ever after

Pls what 😭😭😭

Carter from Hogan's Heroes keeping his nitroglycerin in a furniture polish container with the label "shake well before using" lives in my mind rent free.

emperor palpatine is so fucking cringe dude he doesn’t even have a court jester

So that video with the montage of Obi-Wan 'sneaking' around the Death Star just. Man.

What always gets me is that he isn't even particularly sneaking, he's just wandering around looking confidently lost and just a touch confused. He could just say he's an elderly man looking for the bathroom; his son ranks highly here and brought him along for whatever reason, and he got turned around looking for room his son got him.

Tatooine aged him enough that he could convincingly claim dementia.

He just. He just wanders around. He's barely hiding. I know it's the Force but he's just VIBING. He looks like he barely cares if anyone spots him! He looks like he's almost supposed to be there. Like he didn't see a security cordon and wandered into the employees-only section of a museum, but it's not even the humidity-controlled storage of priceless artifacts, it's the security breakroom. That's the level of out-of-place energy he's exuding. Innocently not quite right.

The Stormtroopers could literally just. Look at each other. Like. Yeah he's probably not some important guy's somewhat addled father, but what if this is like. Tarkin's dad or something. What if they arrest this guy and it's a Moff's dad. Tarkin could get away with bringing his father to the Death Star despite security concerns. What if that's what's going on?

(Joke's on you, troopers, that's Vader's dad.)

More fics where Ben Kenobi gets spotted by a squad on patrol, and just asks if anyone could lead him to the wash closet, letting someone guide him by the arm as if he really is just a nursing home escapee, and then knocks out the trooper and escapes once they've turned the corner and gotten away from the others.

Me and my friend had some fun trying to rewrite the sequel trilogy a while ago and I think the best idea we had was Luke dies and Han and Rey get stranded on some nowhere planet where he has to haphazardly attempt to teach her years of jedi training in like a week entirely by reading out of Luke’s notes (somehow even worse than Luke’s extremely DIY training in the OT).

This isn’t at all based on the ‘Han has the force’ theory it’s literally just crabby atheist old man Han Solo and his dead best friend’s religious texts that are totally useless to him vs the world.

i LOVE that, disney needs to get you two rewriting the sequels STAT

(commission info // tip jar!)

After all the events of the past day: being hijacked, the inexplicable crash, and absolutely everything to do with this 'Ben', Jango was at his wits' end. While the adult jetti was a good actor, his ad was not.

"I know you are hiding something from me." He demanded, breaking the tense silence that had smothered the cockpit. "Where are we? What planet was that?" A wiser man would probably shut up and not shoot the rescue, but Jango was not about to play ignorant to the glaring red flags for potentially a tenday stuck aboard this ship.

(Jango POV on Sithspawn!Obi-Wan drabble with some headcanons below.)

The preteen to Jango's left tensed with a scowl, he opened his mouth to speak but was quickly interrupted by his baji.

"Set. Please go to your bunk." He said with a jett'la mildness.

His ad whirled on him. "Master!" Jango stifled a twitch at that address.

"Please." 'Ben' repeated. Something unspoken passed between them, before 'Set' relented, storming out of the compartment with an angry huff to poorly conceal his nervousness.

Once the door to the cockpit closed, 'Ben' turned and gave Jango a stony look that made his hackles raise further. It was only the presence of the jett'ad--the padawan--outside, and Jango's own precarious transport situation that stayed his blaster.

"Bac aliik, gar haat'mando'ad, ni tion'serim?" The jetti demanded.

Jango startled, narrowing his eyes at the sudden switch from Basic. "Gar jorhaa mando'a." He growled. Where was a jetti that spoke his language and recognised his symbol during his last encounters with the jettise, he thought bitterly.

The jetti ignored his statement and continued in his oddly accented Mando'a. "I have heard that True Mandalorians have honour, so I will be true with you." Kalevala, an uncommon accent nowadays, but with hints of his foreign Coruscanti and... a slight Keldabe twang? "If you tell anyone of the coordinates of that planet, it will not end well for you."

"You're threatening me." Jango laid out bluntly. Ballsy of this jetti.

"I am stating a fact. It won't just be me that follows after you, in the case that happens". He spoke fluently but with the occasional phrasing that sounded off to a native speaker like Jango. He idly wondered how long he had been studying, but there were more pressing matters at hand.

"What was that planet?" He demanded once again.

The jetti pursed his lips and sighed through his nose. He was reluctant, but he already seemed to know that he could not get around this. "We're in the condemned space of the former Sith Empire right now. That planet is called Stewjon, but you might know of it as Halasar."

Jango stilled. Condemned Space was a relatively small region consisting mostly of abandoned Sith planets and their neighbourhoods. While the original no-fly-zones around death-traps like Moraband and Ziost weren't enforced anymore, not for centuries, they were still known to be treacherous. As the seat of the dar'jettise Empire's abominations, the entire area was an old minefield of traps, dark magics, scorged lands, and even bioweapons: pathogens and monsters alike. After the fall of the Empire and the Sith Space Exodus, the hyperspace beacons had been destroyed, and many debris and obstacles had been scattered to order to essentially baracade the region from the rest of known space. Of course that didn't stop the clandestine, the arrogant, and the desperate from attempting to navigate it using old starmaps, but everyone knew that one risked simply disappearing, and becoming yet another cautionary tale.

There was a reason that the dar'jettise were still infamous even a millennium after their extinction, those ancient demagolkase truly scorched everywhere they once walked.

While Condemned Space was a well-documented no-one's-land, Halasar was a myth. An ancient Sith outpost full of old labs and cursed ruins, absolutely infested by sithspawn abominations left to reproduce unchecked. It was clearly a myth, because if it had existed, it would have been glassed long ago.

Jango thought of the grass and the lichen of the mystery planet, the fresh rain, and laughed. He would buy that they were near, or possibly somewhere within Condemned Space, given the large patches of devastation and scarring on the various continents when viewed from orbit. But the jetti trying to sell him that the planet was Halasar? How gullible did he believe Jango to be? He would be offended, if the whole lie wasn't so ridiculous.

The jetti smiled ruefully, called out on his banthashit. "You don't believe me." Jango snorted and gave him an incredulous stare through his visor. 'Ben' must have sensed it through his force, because he had the gall to look ever so slightly amused. "Very well."

And then his form distorted.

Jango was emptying blaster charges on battle-hardened instinct before his rational mind could catch up, but it was useless. Pale pink Human skin hardened into deep crimson-brown chitin. Legs cracked and reformed, and creature's body elongated and sharpened. Spines, tail, teeth, claws. Were those mandables?!

His eyes roamed, cataloguing the threats the creature posed. He needed to get out of this enclosed space to have a fighting chance, and to preserve the ship's controls from damage. But outside the cockpit he potentially had a stubborn jett'ad to manhandle out of harm's way. Osik.

Jango was about to launch at the thing with a vibroblade before the creature held up a long fingered hand and an unseen force froze him in place.

Peace. No harm. Jango reeled. "Stay out of my kriffing head!"

Just as suddenly as it had appeared, the creature collapsed in on itself, process reversing until the pale Human jetti stood before him once more. Jango strained against the magics, carefully regulating his breathing. A Clawdite? No, Clawdites weren't capable of such transformation.

His brain already had the answer for him, planted by the jetti's words. The insectoid exoskeleton and mandables, the mammalian teeth and tail, the crown of warped montrals, the long horns, (the jewellery? His brain whispered). The jetti had just mutated into a sithspawn and back again. Me'sik'ven.

The jetti(?) still looked amused. "While there are many wild rumours about my species, our shapeshifting abilities are, ironically, understated." He spoke again, still in Jango's native tongue. "I will let you go and explain if you agree not to stab me. I still wish to be narudar, if you are amenable."

"Fine." He gritted out, and the pressure slowly eased. He didn't sheave his blade, but gestured for Ben to continue.

Ben's face turned grim. "Stewjon is my homeplanet. During the time of Empire, the Sith used it as a base for their organic engineering. Their favourite subjects were the people they enslaved, and when the population became smaller, they stole from further to bolster it. Those people were my ancestors."

He let his words soak in before he continued. "The Sith enslaved both our bodies and our minds. To the point where we are remembered as monsters born from the corpses of sapient people. The perfect predator of ambush to invade and suppress worlds, able to change shape and hide within their prey.

However, the Sith are no longer, and those that the galaxy remember as sithspawn were able to fade into obscurity, to choose again, to heal, to be people again.

I don't wish to harm you, but I cannot let you endanger their security. I need your vow, haat, ijaat, haa'it, that you will not share this information."

Jango shook off the heaviness of his shoulders as the adrenaline come-down started to hit. He wasn't faced with a beast, he realised with some resignation, but a person with something, someone, to protect. Was the ad the same as him?

Fighting now seemed even less of an option. This day was so kriffed. "If my knowing this is so dangerous to your people, why am still alive?"

Ben hummed. "Honestly? The only reason I brought you with us is because the Force whispered so."

Mando'a sentences:

"Bac aliik, gar haat'mando'ad, ni tion'serim?" That symbol, you're a True Mandalorian, am I right?"

"Gar jorhaa mando'a." You speak Mando'a.

Vocabulary:

aliik - symbol (usually of allegiance)

ad - child

baji - teacher

dar'jettise - Sith plu.

demagolkase (plural of demagolka) - someone who commits atrocities, a real-life monster, a war criminal. From the notorious Mandalorian scientist of the Old Republic, Demagol, known for his experiments on children, and a figure of hate and dread in the Mandalorian psyche.

jetti - Jedi sing.

jettise - Jedi plu.

jett'la - Jedi adj. (e.g. "How very Jedi of you.")

jett'ad - Jedi child

haat, ijaat, haa'it - truth, honour, vision. Words said to seal a solemn pact.

me'sik'ven - what the shit

narudar - temporary allies

Hi! Thank you for reading all the way to the end of the post. This wee thing snuck up on me at midnight last night and I shockingly managed to finish it. I'm not a writer so this won't be going anyway, sorry! But if anyone wants to expand on it in any way, you have blanket permission and my eternal love and delight. Also I purposely wrote Obi-Wan less eloquently in this because he's speaking in Mando'a for most of it. If some of the phrasing was weird to you that's on purpose, because it's weird to Jango too. Obi-Wan is very good as Mando'a but not totally fluent/native.

Some worldbuilding rambling:

In this AU in my brain I've based Sithspawn!Stewjoni off of xenomorphs in the sense that that's how the galaxy views them. I do also love the idea of eusocial societies in worldbuilding. I tried to see if anyone had done anything for Geonosian worldbuilding but no dice :( In my headcanon Stewjoni don't actually have parasitic reproduction (if anyone does parasitic!Stewjoni though I would be excited and impressed) like people think they do, but they are eusocial apex predators who could theoretically reproduce quickly enough to be an invasive species. Of course they don't do that, because they collectively have a very long generational trauma around bodily and reproductive autonomy, and would never force a fertile member of the colony to bear children.

Obi-Wan in this was given to the Jedi by his colony (small at around a hundred members, and from a temperate island because I'm Scottish and must have some space-Scotland in this) because he was a strong enough force-sensitive that he was being negatively affected by the lingering darkness of the planet's Force presence, and his shapeshifting was enough that he was able to pass as non-Stewjoni (Human in his case). How does this work? Anything is possible with the Force is my excuse.

The Stewjoni have maintained an amicable relationship with the Jedi after the Order helped them get back on their feet once they were freed, and this is common practice. However, some force-sensitive Stewjoni children are not able to pass and thus are not able to spend extended periods off-planet around other sapients. The Jedi aid them where they can but they often become sickly in some way.

The disabled and elderly are usually well supported by their colonies and Stewjon's medical infrastructure. Some disabilities are widespread due to the Sith fucking up their bodies so much. No one even remembers what their ancestors were like before the Sith. Were they insectoid? Mammalian? Carnivores? Omnivores? A colony of another known species? There are some theories but that information has long been lost.

Stewjoni colonies in this can range from under a hundred to thousands. Megacolonies of hundreds of thousands to millions like the capital tend to be made up of lots of smaller colonies. Stewjoni!Scotland in this is has a few hundred different colonies. There are other regions with different biomes and different cultures as well. Stewjoni Jedi aren't numerous or structured enough to truly be a colony within themselves, but many consider their Jedi temple or Corps to be their colony. They are often also still considered 'outmembers' of their birth colony, and part of their regional culture and of course greater Stewjoni culture, but of course how connected they are varies between the individual person.

Body modifications of various forms are popular. Jewellery and decorations are also more common for everyone than not.

Anakin in my mind is also considered an outmember of Obi-Wan's birth colony as Obi-Wan's apprentice because that sparks joy. There's a generation of the colony around his age (around 10-ish kids) who essentially adopt him when Obi-Wan takes him to visit for the first time. They're absolutely smug and excited to have the cool Human Jedi kid as a sibling/cousin and laud it over everyone else. Obi-Wan's generation (the Wan generation) are less than impressed. Anakin may not have a crèche clan but he does have a bunch of Stewjoni kids who will holocall him on an encrypted line regularly to bug him for news and anecdotes about the rest of the galaxy.

Anyway that's all my rambling for now. I welcome comments and tags if anyone wants to throw stuff at the wall with me :)