The Way She Can Touch Him, But He Can't Touch Her

911 calls from Jaime Lannister: Human Disaster

Jaime: 911? Yeah, my sister-in-law is going into labor.

911 operator: Is this her first child?

Jaime: No, this is her brother-in-law!

911 operator: *hysterically laughing*

~

911 operator: This is 911, what’s your emergency?

Jaime: Is this the operator I spoke to yesterday?

911 operator: I’m sorry?

Jaime: I’m Jaime Lannister. The guy who’s sister was in labor.

911 operator: Oh, yes sir. That was me.

Jaime: You laughed.

911 operator: I did. That was incredibly insensitive. I’m so sorry.

Jaime: What’s your name?

911 operator: Are you going to report me?

Jaime: No. I’m gonna ask you on a date.

911 operator: Absolutely not.

Jaime: Why?

911 operator: We don’t even know each other!

Jaime: Isn’t that the whole point of a date? To get to know each other?

911 operator: I’m hanging up now, Sir.

Jaime: Wait! Can you just tell me your name, please?

911 operator:...

911 operator: It’s Brienne.

Jaime, smiling: Goodbye, Brienne.

~

Jaime: 911? My niece is going to prom.

Brienne: Mr. Lannister, is- is that you?

Jaime: She’s only 16!

Brienne: *sighs* That’s usually when they go, Sir.

Jaime: I need a police officer here.

Brienne: You have an actual problem, Sir?

Jaime: Yes I have a problem! Somebody has to tell her she can’t go! And it’s not gonna be me!

Brienne: Sir...

Jaime: What would you do? How would you stop her?

Brienne, through gritted teeth: I wouldn’t. Let her go to the damn prom and quit being a jackass about it!

Brienne: I’m sorry. That was rude.

Jaime: No. You’re right. I like you Brienne.

Brienne: Goodbye, Sir.

~

Jaime: 911? I accidentally stepped on my dogs tail and I need to be arrested.

Brienne: *sighs* Mr. Lannister, you have got to stop this.

Brienne: I’m hanging up now. Tell your dog you’re sorry and give it a treat.

Jaime: Thanks, Brienne! I’ll talk to you tomorrow!

Brienne: Please don’t.

~

Brienne: This is 911, what’s your emergency?

Jaime: Good morning, Brienne!

Brienne: Mr. Lannister you have to stop-

Jaime: I’m pretty sure it’s a real emergency this time!

Brienne: How sure?

Jaime, hesitantly: 12%

Brienne: Goodbye, Mr. Lannister.

~

Brienne: This is 911, what’s your emergency?

Jaime: How’s your day going, Brienne?

Brienne: You know you can be arrested for this?

Jaime: For what?

Brienne: Making fake 911 calls.

Jaime: They’re not fake!

Brienne: They are.

Jaime: I say they’re not, and I’m the victim here!

Brienne: You’re not! You’ve never been the victim! The closest we got was when your sister-in-law was in labor.

Jaime: Hmmmm. Yeah, that’s pretty accurate.

Brienne: I have to go now.

Jaime: Are you gonna have me arrested?

Brienne: Are you gonna call me again?

Jaime: For sure.

Brienne: Goodbye, Mr. Lannister.

Jaime: Jaime. Call me Jaime, Brienne.

Brienne, softly: Goodbye, Jaime.

~

Brienne: This is 911, what’s your emergency?

Jaime: Hello, Brienne.

Brienne: Dear gods.

Jaime: Wait! Don’t hang up! Would you like to go on a date with me?

Brienne: *sighing* Not this again.

Jaime: Just one date! And if you don’t like me, I’ll leave you alone. I promise.

Brienne: Are you serious?

Jaime: Serious as a heart attack! Haha get it?

Brienne, rolling her eyes: Yeah, I get it.

Jaime: So?

Brienne: You’re not going to like me.

Jaime: Oh, I like you already. Very much.

Brienne, quietly: One date. That’s it.

Jaime: That won’t be it though, Brienne.

Brienne: Excuse me?

Jaime: I’m going to make you fall in love with me.

Brienne: I doubt that.

Jaime: Have you ever known a man to be so persistent?

Brienne: I should have had you arrested.

Jaime: But you didn’t. See, you like me already.

Jaime: I’ll call you tomorrow.

Brienne: Wait! Let me give you my number!

Jaime: I already have it.

Brienne: Not 911, you idiot!

Jaime: But it’s our thing.

Brienne: It’s really not.

Jaime: It is. Goodbye, Brienne.

Brienne, laughing: Goodbye, Jaime.

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