I Just Had To Take It Easy. So Much For Rushing. Good Night!

Woke up with a blurry right eye

So, here I am, sitting by the window, and I can't help but wonder—what's up with the weather today? It's one of those bizarre days where the sun is shining like it’s trying to convince us it’s summer in full swing, yet at the same time, it's raining. And not just a light drizzle. Nope, proper rain. But here’s the kicker: there are no rain clouds in sight.

It’s like the weather couldn’t decide what kind of mood it wanted to be in today, so it thought, “Why not both?” The sun is out in all its blazing glory, making everything glisten, and yet there’s rain falling from what appears to be a perfectly clear sky. Honestly, it’s kind of funny and confusing at the same time. I keep looking outside, expecting to see dark clouds rolling in, but nope. Just blue skies, light clouds, sunshine, and a very confused me.

It’s one of those surreal moments where nature decides to remind you that it doesn’t play by the rules. It's like the universe is saying, “Who says rain and sunshine can’t coexist?” If you look outside, it’s like a scene from a dream. The ground is wet, but the air is warm. Raindrops are hitting the window, yet there’s light pouring into the room. It’s like the sky is crying and laughing at the same time.

In a strange way, I kind of love this kind of weather. It’s unexpected, and there’s something magical about the contrast. Plus, who doesn’t like a good rainbow moment after the weird mix of rain and sunshine? It’s like the weather’s way of saying, “Okay, I might’ve been a little confusing, but here’s something beautiful to make up for it.”

At the end of the day, it just goes to show how unpredictable and wild nature can be. It’s one of those things where all you can do is sit back, laugh, and enjoy the strange beauty of it all.

There’s something irresistible about seeing the world through rose-colored glasses, isn’t there? The way everything glows with possibility, how hope somehow softens reality’s harsh edges. I’ve always been that person—the one who walks straight into the fire, not quite realizing until it’s too late that I’m bound to get burned.

When I meet someone new, be it a friend or a lover, I’m quick to embrace the beauty in them. I’m captivated by their quirks, their charm, their flaws that I somehow convince myself I can fix. It’s as though I’m spellbound by the idea that, despite what everyone else sees, this connection is different. "No," I think, "they don’t understand." And while the people around me see warning signs flashing like bright neon lights, I remain oblivious, wrapped in the fantasy I’ve built around this person or situation.

Perhaps it’s my unwavering belief in the good in people, or maybe it’s the romantic in me that refuses to let go of the narrative that love, friendship, or loyalty can conquer all. Others whisper in my ear, gentle but firm, “Can’t you see? This is going to hurt you.” But their words are like smoke in the wind—there one moment, gone the next—unable to penetrate the dream I’m living in.

Time and time again, I find myself drawn to those whose hearts are closed off, whose intentions aren’t pure, or whose presence in my life is anything but good for me. Yet, I stay. I convince myself that if I just hold on a little longer, the tide will turn, the light will shine through the cracks, and things will change. I remain, steadfast in my denial, until—inevitably—the story crumbles, and the weight of reality hits me like a wave.

And then, there’s the aftermath. The unraveling of everything I thought I knew, the sudden clarity that leaves me breathless, wondering how I didn’t see it all along. It’s a bittersweet symphony, really—this constant cycle of falling for the wrong people, making excuses, ignoring the inevitable, only to be left standing in the ruins of what could have been.

But I suppose that’s the price of seeing the world in a way that others don’t. I chase after the dream, the ideal, the promise of something beautiful, even if it’s fleeting. And though it often leaves me with scars, there’s something tragically romantic about the fact that I’m willing to risk the fall. Because deep down, I believe that one day, amidst all the red flags I so easily ignore, I’ll find something real, something worth holding on to.

Until then, I’ll continue to stumble blindly through the mess, still hopeful, still searching, and still seeing the world with those rose-colored glasses—until they finally shatter.

Good night!

A list of items that I take for granted, which might not be available to people in other parts of the world.

Wow. This is tough. Just thinking about it makes me realize how unappreciative I am of the little things that would mean a lot to other people if we were to trade places.

House - I own a house, though it's not entirely mine yet. This place is where my trauma began, and every visit brings back painful memories. As a result, I often find myself in other cities, feeling out of place. While I am thankful for having a house, I can't call it a home. It's a gift that I dread because of the emotions it evokes. However, through therapy, I've started to adjust and view it from a different perspective.

Food - I sometimes skip meals intentionally, driven by my concern for my weight due to scoliosis. I feel guilty about not eating regularly, knowing that many people struggle with hunger daily. I should appreciate the privilege of having food readily available and make healthier choices.

Water - Clean, running water is something I seldom think about. I can turn on the tap and expect it to be there, but many people around the world have to walk miles for access to water, and even then, it's not always safe to drink. I'm grateful for this basic necessity that's so easily accessible to me.

Electricity - From charging my phone to lighting my home, I rely on electricity every day. Power outages are rare inconveniences, whereas for some, electricity is a luxury they can't afford or only have sporadically.

Healthcare - Access to medical care is something I often take for granted. When I'm sick or need a check-up, I can see a doctor without worrying too much about the cost or availability. Many people don't have this privilege and suffer from preventable or treatable conditions due to lack of access.

Education - I had the opportunity to go to school and pursue higher education. This has opened many doors for me, but for millions of children and adults, education is out of reach due to various socioeconomic barriers.

Internet Access - The internet is an integral part of my life, providing endless information and opportunities for connection. Yet, there are many areas in the world where internet access is limited or non-existent, cutting people off from these resources.

Clothing - I have a wardrobe full of clothes for every occasion, while others have to make do with the bare minimum. Having adequate clothing for different seasons and activities is something I often overlook in terms of privilege.

Transportation - Whether it's public transit, my car, or even a bike, I have multiple options to get where I need to go. In contrast, many people have to walk long distances or rely on unreliable and unsafe transportation methods.

Safety - Living in a relatively safe neighborhood is something I take for granted. The peace of mind that comes from feeling secure in my environment is a privilege that not everyone experiences.

Freedom of Speech - I can express my opinions and beliefs without fear of persecution. This freedom is not universal, and many people live in fear of speaking out due to oppressive regimes or societal norms.

Job Opportunities - Even though I have faced setbacks and challenges in my career, I still have access to job opportunities and the ability to seek new ones. Many people struggle with unemployment or underemployment, unable to find work that provides a livable wage.

It's true that life can sometimes feel overwhelming, but taking a step back to appreciate what we have can bring a lot of peace and motivation. What are some things you're grateful for today?

Dear Diary,

It's hard to put into words the heaviness I've been carrying lately. The constant battle with my old self, always comparing and competing, is utterly exhausting. It's like I'm stuck in this never-ending contest, and it feels like I'm losing at every turn.

In my mind, there's this imaginary competition, a race against the version of me that used to be. It's haunting to witness, as if I'm continually falling short of my own expectations. It's suffocating to grapple with the idea that I'm not measuring up to the person I once was.

And then there are these other competitions I've conjured up in my head, comparing my life to the lives of those around me. It's as if I'm in a race with shadows, competing against illusions of success and happiness. The pressure is overwhelming, and it seems like I'm drowning in an ocean of self-doubt.

Tonight, the weight of it all feels unbearable. I find myself yearning for an escape, a release from this relentless struggle. The idea of ending this suffering crosses my mind like a dark cloud. I envision a peaceful departure, just drifting away to somewhere unknown, free from the weight of these imaginary battles.

In my darkest moments, I even entertain the thought of becoming a ghost, liberated from the constraints of life. The idea of floating somewhere, scaring people as an ethereal presence, almost seems like a twisted form of freedom. It's a morbid fantasy, I know, but in this state of weariness, it's hard to see any other way out.

I write these words not out of a desire for sympathy but as a desperate attempt to release the turmoil within me. Maybe tomorrow will bring a glimmer of hope, a shift in perspective, or the strength to confront these haunting thoughts. For now, I'll close this entry with a heavy heart, hoping for a brighter tomorrow.

attachment issues?

I am used to keeping things to myself. I am afraid of telling people about how I feel, or what should I do about it. I’d rather deal with it myself. 

There was a time when I tried to open up to people about some of the things I find a burden to keep to myself but then I am ignored and told that I am just overreacting about situations, or I’m playing with my head. They call me a drama queen. I felt humiliated. I tried to trust someone with what I feel but they just laugh at you and ridicule you, just dismiss it like it doesn’t matter.

On social media, some see people with mental issues as people who just love to create drama to be noticed. Even though how much you try to be understood, others will still think differently. 

Sometimes, if I think I can’t handle the pressure, or the anxiety, I break down. I retreat to my room. Write about it and just try to forget it, at least for a while. I don’t know. As long as it’s off my head I’ll be fine. It will just go away, unless something triggers it. It’s a cycle. Goes on and on and you do not know when it will stop. 

Thank you everyone for all the birthday greetings! 💗

Happy New Year everyone! It’s noisy out here! ♥️ Despite of all the noise around, I’m doing a movie marathon of LOTR and The Hobbit. Hope you’re having a blast tonight! 💗

I was already in the process of writing a love story but I stopped. I do not have the drive. Maybe I'll just wait for ideas.