“What If The Unsub Sees A Freedom In His Victims He Wishes He Had Himself”— JJ 3x17

“What if the unsub sees a freedom in his victims he wishes he had himself”— JJ 3x17

I can’t stop thinking about JJ’s character being such a poignant example of comphet. I know in canon she is “straight”—though the above example happens to be directly from canon— and for those of us who ship Jemily she is generally portrayed as bisexual, however, to me she’s such a subtle but extremely accurate portrayal of a closet lesbian.

Will is a good husband and a great dad, I don’t want to discount that, but JJ being with him doesn’t discount her being gay, it might actually reaffirm it. For me the little clues like this scene above, her wearing Emily’s watch starting when Emily “dies”, her reaction to the conversion camp in “Broken” (8x15), her hallucinating Emily, all the way to the absolutely stunning and slightly heartbreaking delivery of the line “It gives me you” in 17x6 paint a totally different picture. It feels like a trail of bread crumbs for us to follow.

So let’s talk about how a woman who was married to a man for over a decade never loved him—not as she should have. She may have even thought she was bisexual for a long, long time, trying to reconcile her attraction to women with the life she ended up in—these might have even been feelings she recognized very early on but tried to push down because they were confusing. Maybe she even had strong feelings for a close female friend, but felt rejected and in that rejection bottled those feelings, that realization that she wasn’t quite ready to deal with, back up and rushed into the arms of a guy who was right in all the ways she had grown up thinking a partner should be. Because sometimes, especially when we feel vulnerable and rejected, it’s easy to confuse the desire to feel wanted, and liking male attention with attraction. And even though she recoiled from his touch, shrunk away at the idea of being with him all the time, didn’t want her friends to know, spent years terrified of actually committing to him she cared deeply for him and it was easy to ignore those signs. Something inside her was telling her that it wasn’t right, that part of herself, that fear was trying to speak to her—yelling stop. But they had a child she never planned, but loved with everything she had and she couldn’t imagine parenting that child alone. So life kept going on around her, feeling out of her control. And her relationship was hard—work— but that’s what it’s supposed to be right? When you grow up without real examples of what a loving relationship is supposed to look like it’s easy to think that actually desiring your partner, feeling giddy when they are around, wanting to kiss them or tell them about what’s going on in your day that’s a fairytale, that only happens in the movies. And living in parallel to someone you have developed a comfort with through years and years of togetherness is fine, until it’s not. Until you realize that it’s killing you inside and you need more.