OH THIS IS SO SWEET🥹❤️❤️❤️❤️

SOMEONE ACTUALLY FUCKING SEDATE ME

𝐓𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐀𝐢𝐧'𝐭 𝐍𝐨 𝐄𝐦𝐩𝐭𝐲 𝐇𝐨𝐦𝐞 ♡

𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟐: 𝐏𝐞𝐧𝐧𝐬𝐲𝐥𝐯𝐚𝐧𝐢𝐚 𝐀𝐯𝐞𝐧𝐮𝐞

Spencer Reid x f!reader || Series masterlist || Series playlist

Previous chapter || Main masterlist || ao3 || Next chapter

summary: After having worked for the BAU for two years, you have seen and experienced a lot, but after a series of murders of young married couples, you’re asked to do something that you never had thought you would have to do; going undercover, as an expecting, married couple, with Spencer Reid.

word count: 4.6k

warnings/tags: Eventual smut! (18+, mdni!) Language. Angst and fluff. Slow burn. Mutual pining. Coworkers to lovers. Undercover as a married couple. Pretend pregnancy. Not set at a specific time, but definitely somewhere in the early seasons. Reader uses she/her pronouns. Mention of canon-typical violence. This chapter has not been proofread, and I'm honestly not that proud of how it turned out, but I'm just exited to get further into the story <3

Spencer glances over at you as he notices your head start to nod, he can’t keep the small smile from his lips as he sees that you have drifted off. He reaches over to adjust his jacket, making sure you are as warm and comfortable as possible before he focuses back on the road. 

He can’t help but feel a wave of protectiveness wash over him, knowing what lies ahead for both of you. Having to go undercover, pretending to be married, to be in love, to be expecting a child together… It is a lot, to say the least. 

For a second he can’t help but imagine that the two of you actually are married, that he isn’t giving a colleague a lift, but that he is driving home with his wife. Not to be creepy, just to… to what? To practice? To get used to the idea of being so close to you, of having to maintain that facade? In this moment, with you sleeping soundly on the passenger seat of his car, it’s strangely easy to imagine it.

But as quickly as the thought comes, he pushes it aside, feeling guilty for letting his mind wander in that direction. The two of you might have to act like a married couple soon, but that does not mean he should think like that. If there is one thing he’d never want to do, it is to make you feel uncomfortable. You have agreed to the assignment, not to him inappropriately using the scenario to imagine things. 

And it’s not like he has ever dared to entertain the idea of actually being in a romantic relationship with you. After all, you’re just his colleague, someone he respects and admires for your compassion, intelligence and dedication to the job. He also knows that you would never see him like that, and why would you? He is just the socially awkward genius who can barely keep a conversation going without tripping over his own words.

But as he drives through the silence of the night, with only the soft hum of the engine to keep him company, he can’t help but feel a sense of closeness to you that goes beyond just a professional relationship. As the car continues its way back to D. C., Spencer can’t help but steal glances at you, now and then, your features relaxed in sleep. Despite the seriousness of the situation ahead, despite the weight of the assignment on your shoulders, you look so peaceful in this moment.

As the city lights of D.C. come into view, Spencer can not help but feel a sense of gratitude for your presence in his life. He knows that this assignment will test the limits of his abilities and his emotions, but having you by his side gives him a sense of comfort and strength. And as he pulls up to your apartment building, he gently reaches over to softly shake your shoulder, gently waking you from your slumber.

“Hey, we’re here,” he says softly, watching as you slowly stir awake.  

You blink a few times, rubbing your eyes as you sit up in your seat. “Oh, we made it already? That was fast,” you mumble, stretching your arms.

“Yeah,” Spencer nods, a small smile on his lips, the drive had taken the time it always does, but to you it must have felt like it passed quickly cause you were asleep for most of it. 

“Thank you for the ride, Spence,” you say, gratitude shining in your tired eyes. 

“No problem. It’s not like I could let you take a cab back.”

You smile at him, the warmth evident in your expression. “Okay, but still… I really appreciate it.” 

Spencer just softly shakes his head at your words. “Anytime. Now come on, I’ll walk you to the door.”  

You nod in appreciation, grabbing your purse and slipping on your shoes before following Spencer out of the car. The two of you walk the short distance to your door in comfortable silence, the night air crisp and cool around you, Spencer’s jacket still draped around your frame.

As you reach the door, you turn to face Spencer, a small smile on your face as you hand him back his jacket. “Thanks again, and sorry I fell asleep on you. I guess I was more tired than I thought,” you say, looking almost a little sheepishly.

Spencer waves off your apology, he is just happy That he could help and make sure you got home safely. “No need to apologize, you needed the rest. Now go get some more, I have a feeling we have some demanding days ahead of us.” 

“Yeah, I think you’re right,” you nod with a sleepy smile on your lips. “Good night, Spence.” 

“Good night,” he replies, watching as you unlock your door before waving goodbye. He offers you a small half-wave back, the gesture ending up more awkward than he had intended to, but you just smile warmly back at him, before stepping inside. 

Spencer stands there for a moment, watching the door close behind you, feeling a strange sense of longing in his chest. Shaking his head to clear his thoughts, he turns on his heel and heads back to his car. 

· · · · ·

You kick off your shoes as soon as you step inside your apartment, letting out a tired sigh as the soles of your sore feet hit the floorboards. All you want to do is to crawl into bed immediately, to wrap yourself in the warmth of your blankets and escape into the blissful embrace of sleep. But you trudge off to the bathroom, fumbling with the zipper at the side of your dress. You need to remove your makeup and brush your teeth and you also want a shower to wash off the day before you can fully relax. 

You let out a little sigh as you finally free yourself from the tight fabric, and shred yourself of your underwear, before stepping into the shower cabin. You feel how your tense shoulders loosens up a little as the hot water cascades over your tired body, washing away the long day and the weight of the impending assignment. You let out a sigh of relief as the steam envelops you, the water soothing your aching muscles and relaxing your mind.

The calming and familiar scent of your shower products fills your nostrils, soothing your senses as you finish washing off. As you step out of the shower, you wrap yourself in a fluffy towel, quickly drying off and lotioning up before heading to your bedroom. You slip into your favorite pajamas, the soft fabric hugging your skin as you crawl into bed, feeling the exhaustion of the day finally catching up to you.

The events of the evening begin to replay in your mind as you step into the darkness of your room, the weight of the upcoming assignment looms overhead, but you take a deep breath, pushing aside the worries and the uncertainties for now, all you want to do is get some rest before the intensity of the case takes over your life completely. You collapse onto your bed, feeling the exhaustion of the day wash over you. The warm comfort of the soft duvet is reminiscent of the warmth of Spencer’s jacket and you can’t help but feel a small smile grace your lips. 

Despite the seriousness of the situation ahead, you feel a sense of reassurance knowing that it is Spencer that will be by your side. You close your eyes, allowing yourself to drift off into a peaceful slumber, the thoughts of the assignment and the challenges ahead temporarily fading into the background as you embrace the sweet serenity of sleep, wanting a couple of hours of respite before the storm of the case begins.

Four hours is what you end up getting before the shrilling sound of your phone pierce through the silence of the room, jolting you awake. It’s Hotch, sounding just as tired as you are feeling while he explains that you’ll have to go to the headquarters at Pennsylvania Avenue later. It turns out that, due to the extensive nature of the case, you and Spencer have to get greenlit from the higher authorities before you can be sent undercover. 

So that is how you end up spending most of your weekend at the J. Edgar Hoover building. You have to go through a psych evaluation, and get your gun qualifications renewed even though you just got yours renewed a couple weeks ago, and a mandatory course in basic undercover protocol. You don’t get to see Spencer in the two days that you’re going through the evaluation process. It’s a bit weird knowing that he is somewhere in the same building as you, going through the same process, and not being able to see him. 

By Sunday afternoon, after you have gone through your last evaluation, you get told that you have been approved. You had never been really worried that you wouldn’t, most of the things like psych evals and gun qualifications are formalities you have to go through on a semi regular basis anyway, but it is still a relief to know that you have been approved and you’re also ready to focus on the actual case again. 

As you finally leave the building, the sun is setting in the sky, casting a warm golden glow over the city as you make your way to the metro station. You can’t help but think of Spencer as you ride the train back to your apartment. You wonder how he’s been doing, if he’s been feeling the same nerves and exhaustion as you have been going through the approval process. 

By the time you step off the train and make your way back to your apartment, the sun has dipped lower in the skyline, casting long shadows over the street as you step up to your door, the key turning in the lock with a satisfying click as you step inside. The exhaustion of the weekend hits you all at once, and you feel the weight of the upcoming assignment pressing down on your shoulders as you make it up the stairs and into your apartment. You let out a tired sigh as you kick off your shoes and drop your bag on the floor. 

You quickly change into comfortable clothes and make yourself a cup of tea, finding a small sense of comfort in the familiar routine. You sink into your couch, wrapped in a blanket with your cup of tea in hand as you let the mild aroma of the tea soothe your nerves. The calm before the storm has settled over you as you sit in the quiet of your apartment, the warmth of the tea seeping into your bones while you take a moment to reflect on everything that has happened over the past few days and what’s to come.

You have become so used to living alone, to come back home to your empty apartment at the end of the day, and for the most part, you’ve liked it that way. But as you sit in the silence of your living room, a part of you can’t help but feel a twinge of loneliness. As you sip your tea, you can’t help but think of Spencer once again. 

You wonder if he is also now settling in at home, if he is feeling the same sense of anticipation and nerves that you are feeling. You are happy that you don’t have to go through all of this alone, and even happier that you will go through it with a friend. It is reassuring to know that the one you have to go undercover with is someone you trust completely, even though the nerves have started to kick in. 

With a deep breath, you finish your tea and set the cup aside as the late afternoon turns to evening outside your window. You should probably get some food, you contemplate cooking something for about five seconds before you decide to order some take out instead. 

Having called to place your order, you settle back on the couch, flipping on the TV to distract yourself from the thoughts swirling in your head. You find a mindless comedy to watch, letting the laugh track of the show fill the room as you wait for your food to arrive. 

After you have eaten and as the evening wears on and the darkness outside your window deepens, you decide to turn in for the night, the exhaustion of the day catching up to you once again. 

You wake up the next morning feeling slightly more refreshed, the weight of the assignment still looming but by now you have now entered that focused mindset that you always slip into when a new case is at hand. You go about your morning routine, getting ready for the day ahead, knowing that it will be a busy one as you prepare for the undercover operation. Soon you’re in your car and on your way to the office. 

Hotch has organized a briefing for you and the rest of the team this morning after which you and Spencer will have your own briefing, going over the details of the assignment and setting the expectations for the operation. You’ll be assigned your cover identities and the roles you’ll be playing and go over the plan of action and the timeline for the operation. 

As you pull up to the FBI building, you can feel the anticipation building in your chest, the gravity of the situation settling in once again as you make it inside, heading to the conference room. The team is already gathered when you arrive, the air in the room buzzing with a sense of purpose as the briefing begins. Hotch goes over the details of the case once again, outlining the specific details of the murders and the profile of the victims. 

As the meeting comes to an end, Hotch dismisses the rest of the team, leaving just you and Spencer in the room. He turns to the two of you, his expression serious and determined, but he is quick to soften up as he begins to speak.

“I want to thank you both again for agreeing to take on this assignment. I know that it’s a lot to ask, and I appreciate your dedication to the job and your willingness to take on this task,” Hotch starts, his voice filled with gratitude. “The evaluation team from D. C. had a lot of good things to say about you two when they rang me to let me know that you had been approved.” He adds with a small smile. “Told me if I wasn’t careful they’ll try to recruit the two of you for undercover work full time.”

You and Spencer share a look, a small smile tugging at the corners of your lips. 

“Said that eidetic memory of yours could make for the perfect deep cover operative, Reid,” Hotch adds, turning to Spencer with a small smirk. 

You can’t help but smile either as Spencer blushes at the compliment, his cheeks turning a shade of pink as he shifts in his seat. You secretly love it when Spencer gets flustered, he looks so adorable when he does, and it’s nice to see him get recognized for his abilities. 

“We have your identities ready,” Hotch continues, making you and Spencer sit up straighter, the seriousness of the situation settling in once again as Hotch passes you each a folder filled with details of your new personas. You and Spencer quickly scan through the files with curiosity. “We have determined that it’ll be safe enough for the two of you to keep your first names, but the two of you will now be the Baker’s. You met in college and got married last year. You’re expecting your first child and are now moving from the east coast to California for work. Your identities have been fabricated to fit the profile of the victims, we’ve done everything to make them as appealing for the unsub as possible. Your main objective is to draw out the unsub and gather evidence that will lead us to their capture. As you already know, we have good reason to believe that the unsub stalked the victims for some time before committing the murders, so we need you to act as a convincing couple that fits that profile.” 

You and Spencer nod in understanding as you go through the details quickly, taking note of the background stories you’ll have to maintain during the operation. 

“I have full confidence in both of you, I know you’ll be able to handle this assignment with professionalism and dedication. Remember, your safety is our number one priority. We will have agents nearby at all times to ensure your safety. We have arranged for you to move into a safe house in the area where you will spend most of your time. You’ll have constant communication with the team or local authorities, and we’ll be monitoring the area to ensure your safety,” Hotch explains, his expression serious but reassuring.

You nod in acknowledgment, but something seems to be bothering Spencer. “It says here that I’ll be working at the local college,” Spencer says, his brow furrowed in confusion. 

“Well, yes. You’ll be working as an assistant professor in engineering as part of your cover. We believe the unsub is targeting educated couples, so having you work in a university setting will make you more appealing as potential victims.” Hotch explains. “We have fixed everything with the university, and you have a PhD in engineering so it’s a fitting cover for you.”

“But it says Y/N will be staying at home?” Spencer adds, looking over at Hotch with furrowed brows. 

“Yes, that is correct,” Hotch confirms.

“So I’m just expected  to leave her alone all day... That doesn’t seem like a good idea, what if something happens while I’m not there?” 

“I understand your concern, Reid, but as I said, we have a team of agents that will be monitoring the area at all times, this is all part of the operation. We have calculated the risks and we have concluded that it is a safe choice to make. Your absence during the day will make you both susceptible to the unsub’s advances, which is our goal in drawing them out. We have taken all necessary precautions to ensure your safety and we will have agents nearby in case of emergency.” Hotch says, his tone gentle but firm. “We have security measures in place to ensure Y/N’s safety while you are not there, and you will have constant communication with her and the team. It’s important that you both stick to your cover identities in order to draw out the unsub and gather the necessary evidence. The unsub has only attacked when both partners are present, so if anything it should be more safe.”

“Okay, but-” Spencer begins, but Hotch speaks again.

“Again, I understand your concern, Spencer, and it’s valid,” Hotch says, his tone softening. “I appreciate your dedication to the safety of your partner. But we have taken every precaution and all of this has been thought out thoroughly. We believe that this is the best course of action. Your safety is our top priority, and we will have every precaution in place to ensure that both of you are safe at all times. Just trust the plan, trust your training, trust the team and trust  each other.”

Spencer nods, though his concerns are still evident in his expression, his jaw slightly clenched. You can see the conflict in his eyes as he processes Hotch’s words. A stretch of silence settles over the room, you are not sure if you should say anything or not, but you can see that Spencer is deep in thought. You are moved by his concern for your safety, but you trust Hotch and the undercover specialists have everything planned out and under control. Before you can say anything, Hotch speaks up again, this time addressing you. 

“We have an undercover specialist coming in to help the two of you going through your cover stories, but I was also told that we have a styling team coming, and I believe they asked me to send you by them. They should have arrived by now, so why don’t you get that done now and then you and Reid can focus on going through your cover stories in more detail later.”

You nod, understanding that Hotch wants to speak with Spencer alone. You grab your folder and stand up from your seat, getting ready to leave, but not before you reach out and give Spencer’s shoulder a reassuring squeeze, offering him a small smile before turning to leave the room, ready to meet with the styling team to finalize your cover identity.

· · · · ·

Spencer watches as the door closes behind you, feeling a mix of emotions swirling inside of him. He trusts Hotch and knows that the team has everything under control, but he can’t help the knot of worry settling in his chest. 

He knows that this assignment is risky, and he knew it when he agreed to it. But for some reason, the revelation that you will have to be alone for hours during the day, vulnerable to potential danger, weighs way heavier on him than he had anticipated. He knows that you are more than capable of handling yourself, but the thought of leaving you alone is unsettling to him. 

“Are you okay?” Hotch’s voice breaks the silence, pulling Spencer out of his thoughts. 

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Spencer replies, his voice tight with emotion. “I guess it is just getting real now…”

Hotch nods in understanding, his expression sympathetic. “I know this assignment is tough, Reid. And I’m not going to lie, I don’t like having to send you two into this, but I have full confidence in you both. You are both capable agents and I trust that you will handle this operation. And remember, you have a team behind you.”

“I know, and I trust the team and I trust you too.”

“That’s all I ask, Reid,” Hotch replies. 

Spencer nods, but he can’t shake the uneasy feeling in his body. A stretch of quietness falls over the room. Spencer. He does trust Hotch, just as he trusts the team, of course he trusts you. He is just not so sure that he trusts himself. That he will be able to pull this off. How is he ever going to be convincing as a husband? He might have an eidetic memory and an IQ of 187, but he lacks the social skills and experience in romantic relationships that would be necessary for this assignment. 

And the thought of having to act like a married couple with you, of having to maintain that facade, gives him a weird feeling. It’s a strange mix of emotions, and Spencer can’t help but feel a sense of unease at the idea of being so close to you in such an intimate context. What if he messes up, what if he can’t handle it? He takes a deep breath before he finally breaks the silence. “I’m not sure I’ll be good at this, I don’t think I’ll be able to convince anyone that I’m married.”

Hotch gives him a reassuring smile. “Of course you can. You’re a great agent, and I know you’ll be able to adapt and handle this assignment. We have established that you trust everyone involved in this operation, so I need you to trust yourself as well.”

Spencer takes a deep breath, nodding in acknowledgment of Hotch’s words. the room falling quiet once again as Spencer absorbs everything. “It’s going to be fun to dive into engineering again,” he finally says, attempting to lighten the mood. Hotch chuckles at his attempt, knowing that Spencer is trying to shift the focus away from his worries. Spencer wouldn’t be Spencer if he didn’t try to find some sort of comfort in knowledge and logic.

“I’m sure you’ll do great,” Hotch replies, giving him a small smile. “Just remember to stick to your cover story, trust your training, and work closely with Y/N. You two make a great team, and I have full confidence that you’ll be able to handle this assignment together. You’ll have support every step of the way.”

Spencer nods. He knows that this assignment will push him out of his comfort zone, but he also knows that he has a responsibility to the victims and their families to do everything he can to bring the unsub to justice. And if that means stepping into a role that he’s not entirely comfortable with, then he will do it. For them. He also has a responsibility to you, to ensure your safety. 

After a moment of quiet reflection, Hotch stands up from his seat. “We’ll reconvene later for a more detailed discussion of your cover stories. For now, why don’t you take a break, maybe get some coffee.”

Coffee does sound really good right now, Spencer has barely slept in the past few days and he feels the exhaustion catching up to him. With a nod of acknowledgment, Spencer stands up from his seat, his mind swirling with thoughts. Taking a deep breath, Spencer exits the conference room and heads towards the break room to grab a much-needed cup of coffee 

· · · · ·

The image in the mirror is truly bizarre, you can’t stop staring at the reflection of yourself, turning to inspect the surreal sight from every angle. “I look… pregnant,” you finally mumble, placing your hands on the fake bump. 

The padded prosthetic bump that has been attached to your body under your dress is surprisingly realistic, making you look like you have just entered the last trimester of pregnancy. It’s a strange feeling, feeling the weight of it against your body as you adjust to the added bulk. You can’t help but feel a mix of awe and discomfort at the sight of your altered appearance.

It is like getting a glimpse into a parallel universe, one where you’re married and about to have a baby, so far from the life you are currently living. 

“Well, that is the goal,” the woman from the styling team laughs. “Just be happy you don’t actually have a little one in there tap dancing on your bladder non-stop,” she adds with a grin.

You chuckle at her comment, but you can’t help but feel a little surprised that you actually wouldn’t mind it that much. You are nowhere near the point in your life where you are ready to have children, but the thought of having a family and sharing that kind of connection with someone does bring a sense of longing to your heart. 

But you quickly push those thoughts aside, that is a can of worms that you don’t need to open right now. Right now, you have a job to do, and you have to focus on being the best undercover agent you can be. You give yourself a mental shake, trying to banish the strange mixture of emotions that is suddenly swirling inside of you. 

“Yeah, that must be quite the experience,” you reply, offering her a smile as you try to shake off the unexpected surge of emotion. You turn away from the mirror. “You got everything you needed?” 

The woman nods with a smile. “Yes, everything seems to fit just right,” she reply, looking at you with a reassuring smile.

“Great, then I should probably get back to the briefing,” you say, feeling a sense of relief that everything, so far, is going smoothly with your cover identity. You quickly change back into your regular clothes, feeling the weight of the fake bump disappear as you slip out of the dress. 

Thank you for reading! Reblogs and comments are always greatly appreciated :) let me know if you want to be tagged in the next chapter ♡ edit: it would especially be nice if you reblog when you ask to be added to the tag list ♡

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there's no greater betrayal than finally starting to read a book you've had sitting for months on your shelf or your desk or your nightstand and then finding out it's bad. like. i gave you a fucking home.

Being a young adult is so strange. You enter a coffee shop. The 20 year old girl waiting behind you cried all night because she just came to a new city for university and she feels so alone. That 27 year old guy over there works a job he is overqualified for, he lives with his parents and wants to move out but doesn't know what to do about it. That one 24 year old dude already has a car, a house, and a job waiting for him once he graduates thanks to his dad's connections. The 26 year old barista couldn't complete his higher education because he has to work and take care of his family. The 28 year old girl sitting next to you has no friends to go out with so she is texting her mother. That couple (both 25 years old) are married and the girl is pregnant. The 29 year old writing something on her laptop has realized that she chose the wrong major so she is trying to start all over. We are not alone in this, but we are actually so alone. Do you feel me

Everything about this club is just so beautiful. The players, the fans, their celebrations, their traditions, their values, everything.

Nothing comes close to REAL MADRID 🤍

do you believe me now? | 4

in which spencer reid and inexperienced fem!reader are interrupted at the most inopportune of times. he calls you on the first night of his case. dirty talk turns into a hard conversation. we get a glimpse into spencer's past, and we finally learn why he's so hesitant to sleep with you.

part one | part two | bonus chapter | part three

18+ (smut) warnings/tags: dirty talk, phone sex/mutual masturbation, softdom!spence, obligatory he talks u through it, lots of graphic discussions of sex, established relationship, angst (sorrryyy!) a/n: so remember how i said you'd need the bonus chapter to fully appreciate/understand this part? i was wrong!! it will come in handy probably in the next part tho:) also idk how these parts keep getting so long im sorry! anyway, i love you all so bad. thank you for bearing w/ my craziness. PLEASE let me know your thoughts on this part!! i adore hearing from you!! kisses

(also special thank you to @fliesforeyes who convinced me phone sex w/ spence could be done!! i will link his phone sex blurb here :)) thank u binx!!

“Three million six hundred eighty four thousand three hundred thirty two times fourteen million seven hundred sixty one thousand nine hundred seventy one.”

You’ve lost count of how many stupid math questions you’ve asked your human calculator boyfriend, just to see if he can actually do them. Spencer is silent for a second, and you think you’ve finally stumped him. 

“That one is complicated.”

You sit bolt upright in his bed, looking down at him and pointing an accusatory finger. His brows raise at the manic look in your eye. 

“You don’t know.”

“I do know. I meant it would be hard to explain if you aren’t a math person.”

“Bullshit!” You scoff, “you don’t know!”

“It would display on a calculator as five-point-three-eight-eight-E-thirteen. It’s a really big number.”

“Oh, really big, huh?” you mumble, searching for your phone blindly in the sheets and scrambling to open the calculator app. “Um… what numbers did I say?”

Spencer repeats them back to you and you press the equals sign. 

You look at it. 

And then you set your phone down. 

“I was right, huh?” he smiles up at you, probably reveling in your pouty wrongness. 

Too proud to admit it, you collapse on top of him, burying your face in his shoulder. 

“I don’t like this game anymore. What the fuck even is an e? Why are we doing algebra?”

Spencer laughs, brushing your hair aside. 

“The e stands for exponent. It’s to the power of ten.”

“Ever heard of a rhetorical question?”

“Yes, I have.”

It’s hard not to snort even at his dumbest jokes. 

“You’re annoying. Let’s do something else.”

You roll over onto your back again, letting your head flop over to look at Spencer, whose hair is exactly the right amount of messy after a long day, falling in impossibly soft waves over the perfect lines and contours of his face. Despite lounging, he’s still in his suit from work—he’d left Quantico and immediately picked you up. There were no solid plans for the evening, so after both of you pretended that you wanted to go out for a while, you ended up back at his apartment. 

He looks good. Almost too good. 

“Something like what?” he smiles lazily, reaching over and tracing his fingers over your cheek. 

“Something… naked?”

His grin widens and he shakes his head. 

“Me naked or you naked?”

Pretending to think about it, you roll your bottom lip between your teeth. 

“Mm… why not both?”

“Hm. Why do I feel like I know where this is going?”

The mattress sinks underneath your elbow as you prop yourself up, dropping your head over Spencer’s to kiss him. 

“Because you’re so smart, and you think it’s a great idea.”

He entertains your kiss for a moment. Just a moment.

“You sound sure of yourself.”

“Because I am!” You finally give in to your impulses, tangling your fingers in his hair and looking at him meaningfully. “It doesn’t make any sense for us to have not had sex. I don’t care about any of your weird, cryptic moral reasoning.”

He grabs your wrist carefully. 

“It is not moral,” he scoffs. “We haven’t even talked about it yet.”

“Really? Because I feel like we’ve talked about it a lot.” 

He begins to reply, but you realize you don’t want to get into a debate over whether you’ve technically talked about it yet. “I don’t even care! If that’s all that’s standing in your way, then let’s talk about it. Right now.”

Spencer sighs, his eyes darting between yours as he reaches up to cradle your cheek. 

“Fine. But I have things to say you’re not going to like.”

“So business as usual?”

He rolls his eyes. You allow yourself a tiny self-satisfied smirk, forever relishing in his poorly-hidden soft spot for your constant teasing. Spencer ignores this. Which is probably for the best. 

“I know you probably won’t see it this way, but—sex is different than everything else we’ve done so far. It can be really fun, obviously it feels good, it facilitates deeper feelings of connection—that’s all true. Which is why, in my opinion, it’s incredibly important that you be selective with who you sleep with. Because it’s so easy to do something you regret, and sex is vulnerable. It should always be with someone you trust and—and… care about.”

A pink flush stains his cheeks like watercolor as he stumbles over the last few words. It makes your heart flutter against the confines of your chest.

Maybe best not to think about the absence versus presence of certain four-letter words and what they may or may not mean. You’ll move on to more pressing matters and pretend like it doesn’t ache just a little in your whole body. 

You cover his hand with your own. 

“Are you going to break up with me anytime soon?”

Spencer’s eyes widen, filling with genuine horror and confusion. 

“What? No!”

“Are you going to cheat on me?”

“Absolutely not, I—”

“Then I’m not going to regret it. Issue resolved. Moving on.”

“Honey, I just want you to be 100% sure that I’m what you want.”

“Oh my god,” you groan, flopping onto your back once more. “I have begged you to sleep with me on multiple occasions. We have been dating for months and I liked you even longer before that. I think about it literally every time I see you. I don’t know how to be any surer.”

It’s quiet for a moment as you study the imaginary pattern on the ceiling. The rebuttal you’d been anticipating doesn’t come—instead, the mattress shifts next to you. Spencer enters your field of vision, now leaning over you with a little smile on his face that gives you butterflies. 

“Every time?”

“…yes, every time,” you agree, voice considerably thinner than it had been a moment ago. Spencer glances at your lips as he speaks. 

“Interesting. And what is it that you think about exactly?”

You groan again, attempting to roll facedown, but he pins your shoulder to the bed. The way he’s sweetly kissing down your cheek and jaw is infuriating because you know it’s a false pretense. 

“Ugh, I don’t know! Don’t make me answer that!”

“You said if talking about it was all that was standing in my way, we would talk about it. Now I want to talk about it. Come on,” he says, voice low and cloying against your throat as he attempts to tease the answer out of you. “Tell me what you think about when you think about us having sex.”

You let out a shaky breath at the feeling of his lips skimming your neck, hating how easily he can reduce you to this. 

“I… I always wonder what it will feel like. Sometimes I wonder if it will hurt.”

Spencer sighs, interrogation by way of seduction momentarily forgotten. You silently curse yourself for saying something so un-sexy. 

“It might, sweetheart. That’s one of the reasons we’ve held back. I… really don’t want to hurt you. I don’t even know if I can.”

You grab his face in both hands, forcing him to look at you with more confidence than you feel. 

“Sometimes I worry about it, too. But I like you a lot more than it scares me. I still want to.”

He kisses your palm. 

“You’ll be okay. It doesn’t hurt for everyone, and even if it does, you’re resilient.”

“Exactly. So you have to get over yourself.”

Spencer laughs like he wasn’t expecting to, eyes sparkling as he regards you.  

“Yeah. Yeah, maybe I do.”

He’s smiling again as he leans down and kisses you—a slow, lingering thing which tastes like spearmint as you part your lips for him. 

“Please?” you whisper against him after a long moment. He hums, keeps kissing you. 

“What is it that you think you want? You don’t even know what you’re asking for.”

“Tell me,” you beg, chasing his lips. “Tell me what you’re going to do with me. We can talk about it. This is talking about it.”

Spencer exhales deeply, wedging a thigh between yours. Immediately you clamp around it, trying not to grind against him too overtly. 

“You want to know what I’d do to you?”

“Yes—” you paw at his jacket. Surprisingly, he doesn’t stop you from pushing it off. Your heart pounds. 

“Well… we both know how anxious you get,” he muses, pressing his lips so delicately to your fluttering pulse-point in emphasis, and then back to your mouth. His thigh pushes harder against you to supplant the absence of his lips as he speaks, though he kisses you sporadically and between sentences. “You’re hard to get out of your head when you’re nervous, you know that? I watch it happen. One minute you’re with me, and then you start overthinking, and getting self-conscious. The only thing that seems to relax you is letting me touch you—so first I would touch you like I’ve touched you before. I’d make sure you know how pretty you are and how good you deserve to feel.” You whimper inadvertently at his words, arching into him and grinding against his leg as he pauses to kiss the sensitive soft spot below your jaw. “You’re going to need to be really ready to let me in. Do you know what I mean by that?”

As he asks, he pushes his thigh against you harder. Your body responds immediately, arching into him and seeking more friction. When you squeak, he takes it as a no. 

“I mean I need you relaxed and wet. You’ll excuse my crude language.”

You pull at his tie, breathing heavier now and so turned on it’s almost painful. 

“What are you gonna do after that?”

“What else is there to do but fuck you after that?” he breathes. “You want me to tell you how I’d fuck you?”

Something about it makes you whine salaciously. You’ve heard him curse—you’ve even heard him talk about fucking you. But it feels more real now; when it’s low in your ear and you’re covertly undressing him and he’s pushing your shirt over your stomach promisingly. 

“Yes, please.” 

He hums against your jaw, nipping and brushing his lips over the skin as he considers. Leaves you waiting. 

“I would have to take my time with you. You’ll be overwhelmed. I know you think you won’t, but you will. I’m going to have to be so, so careful with you, angel. It’s going to drive me insane. But it will feel good for you.”

“Why careful? I don’t want that.”

He chuckles. A chill runs down your spine. 

“Yeah, you do. You’re going to want me to be careful when I’m—” he pauses, pressing his thumb to your bare lower tummy and dragging up to a spot below your belly button. He presses down lightly again. “Right here. Approximately.”

The surface of the sun has nothing on the temperature of your skin in this moment, as you writhe underneath him in both arousal and embarrassment. Mostly, burning need. You feel almost sick with it. 

“Please don’t make me wait anymore. Just do it, please, Spencer. I need it to be you, I don’t want it to be anyone else. I promise I’m ready.”

It’s silent for a moment. Your heart quickens. You sense his walls wearing away, his instinct to keep you intact for god knows what reason crumbling. He’s finally going to give you what you’ve been begging for. 

Spencer opens his mouth, eyes glimmering—

And then his phone rings. 

You both freeze—he melts dejectedly before you do, more accustomed to an ill-timed phone call and realizing the finality it can present. 

He’s breathing heavily against your neck, as if maybe whoever it is will just hang up. But the phone keeps ringing. 

“I’m sorry.”

Your stomach sinks as he sits up, grabbing his phone from the side table and rubbing circles on your inner thigh as he answers.

“This is Reid,” he says, lackluster. 

If you wanted, you could hear what Penelope is saying—but you don’t bother listening. It’s going to be a case. Spencer is about to leave. The details are his problem. 

“Okay. I’ll be there in an hour.”

He hangs up, tossing the phone onto the mattress and not speaking for a moment, just continuing to rub your leg apologetically. Watching you almost mournfully—taking in your disheveled hair, your likely blown-out pupils, the shirt pushed almost over your chest. 

“I have to go right now,” he finally manages with a heavy sigh, gently pulling your shirt back into place. 

You sit up, shedding all the hopes that had been building for the evening, and try to sound chipper—though all you feel is bitter disappointment that goes deeper than you understand. 

“I know. Go ahead, I can get a cab home.”

He frowns, running his hand over the back of your hair. 

“I don’t love the idea of you standing on the sidewalk waiting for a car in this part of town so late. Do you just want to stay here for the night and go home tomorrow?”

You force a smile. Great. So you’ll be spending the night in his bed after all—just without him. 

“Sure. Thanks.”

“Yeah.”

Neither of you are feeling particularly grateful. 

Soon you’re walking him to his own door. Both of you come to a stop in front. 

“I’m sorry,” he sighs again. 

“Spencer, it’s fine. It’s your job. You don’t need to apologize. You were very clear about this part when we started dating.”

“I know, but… it’s easier in theory than in practice.”

You smile. If Spencer is a reflection of you, it doesn’t quite reach your eyes. His hair is still messy from your fingers running through it and he’s missing his tie. You hope all his coworkers see and feel bad about taking him away from you. 

But it’s not their fault. You just want someone to blame. 

Instead you mould yourself to his body, wrapping around him like you belong there. He returns your embrace, pressing his lips into the crook of your shoulder and rubbing your back in that way he always does with you. 

In that moment, your affection for him becomes so profound it’s like a chemical reaction—everywhere he touches burns and you love him so fucking much it aches in every inch of your body the way your muscles do when you have a bad fever. Love is the most terrible of afflictions, you realize. It is a fever dream. It’s every fiber of your being screaming to tell him how you feel, to beg him on your knees not to go because you love him like a child loves a parent or a bee loves honeysuckle or the ocean loves the horizon. Pared down to your most basic components, the barest version of yourself, you require him. Your soul needs his soul. 

“Spencer?”

“Hm?” 

It’s nothing more than an absentminded hum against your skin. 

“I…”

Should you be looking him in the eye when you say this? Should you say it right before he has to leave? Just because you say it doesn’t change the fact that he’s about to be gone for several long days. Maybe this is a terrible time to admit something that suddenly feels so true and so consequential. 

He senses your internal conflict, pulling back despite your resistance and holding your face between his hands. 

“You what?” He murmurs, soft eyes bouncing back and forth between your own. Fuck—you feel so observed, now. Like he can read your mind. 

“I forget.”

FUUUUUUCK. 

Spencer blinks. Processes. You watch the disbelief crystallizing over his eyes like ice freezing over a lake. 

He knows. 

He knows you didn’t forget, and he probably knows what you were going to say, and he’s going to tell himself he was wrong to spare your dignity. 

Everything hurts when he kisses you. You wonder what regret tastes like. 

“Well, let me know if you remember.”

It’s too gentle and at the same time he can’t hide the edge with all the tenderness in the world. You nod as if in a trance, already looking forward to dissociating as you lie in bed and stare at the dark ceiling.

Two small goodbyes are exchanged, slightly stifled now, as if shared between drunk strangers who have sobered up and are mutually embarrassed about how candidly they’d interacted before. 

You close the door behind him, doing up all the locks, and meticulously flick every light switch in the apartment off before climbing into his bed—though you don’t really feel like you deserve to be there anymore.

But perhaps this is all an overreaction. It’s not like you owe it to him to say I love you, or anything—it was bad timing, anyway. And why can’t he say it? In fact, why hasn’t he said it? 

Maybe you have it all wrong. 

Maybe he doesn’t feel that way about you. 

You fall asleep before you allow these questions to make you sick. 

24 hours go by. 

24 hours go by and you really had meant to leave his apartment—it was just that you woke up late, and your phone was dead so you couldn’t call a car, so you charged it while you made breakfast, and then you ate, and then you decided to take a shower and wash your clothes, and then it was two in the afternoon and you hadn’t left yet and you decided to walk to the store and replenish the groceries you’d used up. 

Maybe you got a bit distracted looking at flowers and other beautiful things at the market and by the time you got home it was 5:00, so you decided to wait until seven to skip rush hour. And then eight, just to be sure. 

Before you know it, it’s midnight, and you’re dozing off in his bed again (teeth cleaned with the brush you’d bought at the store—maybe this whole situation hadn’t been entirely unwitting on your part.)

Throughout the day, you tried to let all your anxiety about the previous night melt away. If it’s something that needs to be addressed, Spencer will address it. Everything will work out in the end. That thought is how you’re able to doze off. 

You’re almost asleep when your phone lights up and begins buzzing on the side table. You wince as your eyes open, not adjusting well to the harsh bright display and unable to discern who’s even calling you at this hour. Stupidly, probably because you’re half asleep, you answer without checking. 

“Hello?”

Your voice is groggy, quiet with sleep. 

“Shit, did I wake you?”

“Spence?” you whisper, stomach flipping at the sound of his voice on the other line. You feel caught, still sleeping in his bed. 

“… yeah,” he chuckles. “Did you not check who was calling before you picked up?”

“I was asleep,” you pout. “Kinda.”

“Okay. Go back to sleep, honey. We’ll talk tomorrow.”

You sit bolt upright, phone balanced between tense fingers and speaking directly into the microphone. 

“No! No, I’m awake. What’s up? Why did you call?”

A longer stretch of silence—you’re too sleepy to comprehend what it might mean, though never too sleepy to worry about it. With a pang of pain, you recall your strange goodbye, the words you hadn’t said. 

“I just needed to hear your voice,” he sighs. You frown, staring at nothing in particular in the pitch black room. 

“Oh. Is everything okay?”

“As much as it can be.”

“Right.”

More quiet. You chew on the inside of your cheek, stricken with a sudden feeling of awkwardness that you haven’t had with Spencer in a while. 

“I’m sorry… I don’t really know what to say.”

“That’s okay,” he says, and you can hear the smile in his voice which makes you feel a bit better, “why don’t you tell me about your day? Or you can absolutely go back to sleep, if you’re too tired.”

“Don’t ask me about my day,” you whisper, flopping down on the bed once more. Shame seeps into your voice. He laughs. 

“What? Why?”

“Because if I tell you you’re going to think I’m super weird and you’re going to break up with me.”

Laughter tapers off into gentler tones. 

“I already think you’re super weird. It’s actually one of your most attractive qualities.”

Blood rushes to your cheeks. 

“But it’s like… borderline crazy.”

Immediately, he replies, “for better or worse, I also frequently find myself attracted to crazy.”

“Thank you for calling me crazy and super weird,” you grumble. 

“I also called you attractive twice. Tell me.”

When his tone takes on that easy, assertive quality, and it’s sort of raspy and low because it’s late and he’s been talking all day, and you can hear the lazy smile on his face—you imagine him laying on his hotel bed, arm slung over his eyes in the dark as he grins into the microphone—you have a very difficult time saying no. 

“Fine. Guess where I am right now.”

“Um, I would hope you’re in bed?”

You smile to yourself, basking in the victory of successfully throwing him off his game even slightly. 

“Guess whose bed.”

Silence. 

“What an interesting question.” That cocky smile, the low drawling is back, and you chew on your lip, ignoring the shiver that runs down your spine. “If it’s not mine or yours, we’re going to have issues.”

“But if it is yours? You’re not going to call the police on me?”

“Why would I call the police? To tell them there’s a pretty girl in my bed and I don’t want her there?”

“To tell them your psychopathic girlfriend broke into your apartment and might be holding hostages there.”

Spencer laughs; a brittle, drawn out thing, flat and quiet as the desert.

“If you were a psychopath, calling the cops would be a waste of time. I would handle you myself.” The idea of being handled has your thighs clenching. “But—yeah, don’t invite anyone else in.” More humor finds its way into his voice, momentarily relieving some tension that had sneakily begun to build. “Having people in my space makes me anxious.”

“But not me?” Your whisper is half flirtatious, half insecure. Spencer’s reply is soft, as if he’s picking up on this from hundreds of miles away.

“No, not you. You are always the exception.”

“Good,” you say, cheeks aching as you half-bury your warm face into his pillow. “Because I made myself really comfortable. You have a nice shower, by the way.”

Spencer groans. 

“You’re killing me.”

“What? What did I do!”

“Don’t talk to me about my bed and my shower. I might start to think you’re intentionally being a brat.”

“You asked me about my day! I’m just telling you what I did!”

But you’re also intentional teasing him for sure.  After a pause, he sighs in defeat. 

“You’re right. I did do that. Tell me what else happened.”

“Well,” you begin, all too eager, “I had to put my clothes in the dryer after I got out, so I borrowed some of yours. But then they were way comfier than mine, so after I went to the store I put them back on, and—”

“Okay.”

“Okay what?” you frown. 

“Tell me what this is.”

“I—I don’t know what you mean.”

Lying to a profiler is usually pointless. 

“I’m not stupid, sweetheart. Tell me why you keep talking about my shower and my bed and my clothes.”

Caught red-handed. Your skin heats up. 

“I don’t know. I miss you.”

He hums in a way that blurs the line between sympathetic and patronizing. Even through the phone you can feel the bass of it in your bones.  It changes the frequency you’re vibrating at. It’s hypnotic. 

“But that’s not really why you’re being intentionally provocative, is it?”

“No,” you admit quietly. “I’m still upset you had to go last night.”

“So you’re frustrated and you’re taking it out on me?”

Your brow furrows. Well, when he puts it like that…

“I’m not taking anything out on you.”

“I think you are. And I don’t appreciate that, because I’m on your side, honey. Do you think I prefer being in a hotel bed by myself or being in my bed with you?”

Somehow, he makes you feel like a scolded child. But he makes it appealing in ways you don’t understand. 

“Your bed with me,” you murmur, skin prickling with the coldness of his absence even as you curl under the blanket. 

“Right. So why don’t you tell me what I can do for you right now, instead of punishing me for things that are beyond my control?”

“I wasn’t punishing you,” you mutter. 

“No? You weren’t intentionally talking about using my shower and sleeping in my bed and putting on my clothes so that I’d have to think about what I can’t have right now?”

“I—”

“Believe me when I tell you I have been thinking about what I can’t have, all day. Your efforts are entirely redundant and you can’t say anything about yourself that is even close to as dirty as the frankly disrespectful thoughts I’ve been having about you for seventeen hours.”

The lack of air is making you so dizzy your vision goes gray at the edges. 

“What… what thoughts?”

“None that you need to concern yourself with.”

“You can’t just say something like that and then not tell me!” you insist. He’s obviously giving you a taste of your own medicine and it’s fair but it doesn’t mean you have to like it. 

“I can do whatever I want,” Spencer corrects cooly in a way that pisses you off beyond belief because he’s right. It triggers some adolescent immaturity within you—a desire to get back at him, so to speak. He wants intentionally provocative? He can have it. 

“Fine. Then so can I. And there’s nothing you can do to stop me.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it even if I could.”

“Spencer,” you warn. “If you don’t tell me what you were thinking I’m gonna—” you look around the room for ammo. “I’m gonna look through your nightstand!”

“Go ahead. I’ll warn you, it’s not very interesting.”

“Sounds like what someone who has something hide would say,” you mumble, crawling across the mattress through tangled sheets and using your phone flashlight to open the drawer. 

Spencer is patient and silent as you take in its contents—a small blue leather-bound notebook (full of what looks like Russian), a fountain pen, a glasses case, various kinds of vitamins, and—

“Spencer Reid,” you say, dragging out his name and pretending nothing is fluttering in your stomach, “what are these?”

“I don’t know. I can’t see what you’re referring to.”

“Take a wild guess.”

“Oh, I have one. But I’d like to hear you say it.”

You realize you may have gotten yourself in deeper than you meant to by going through his stuff. Well—they don’t say karma is a bitch for nothing. 

“What are you doing with a box of condoms?” 

He chuckles and you feel it in your whole body, warm as you stretch across his mattress and eye the box like it might jump out at you. 

“Those are years old. I’ve used three since I bought them.”

“Don’t tell me that,” you whine. “I don’t wanna think about all the other women you’ve seduced.”

“You wanted them to be for you, huh?” 

You flush. Honestly you hadn’t even thought about that. 

“I… I don’t know. I kind of just assumed…”

It’s silent for a second and you frown, realizing you hadn’t even considered protection when you’d imagined sleeping with him before. 

“You assumed what, honey?” he asks, voice soft. 

“It’s dumb. I can’t tell you.”

“You can tell me anything. I’m not going to think it’s dumb, I promise.”

You chew on your lip, letting your eyes unfocus on the box as you muster the courage to be honest. 

“Whenever I imagined it… we didn’t… use anything.”

The words make you cringe even as you’re saying them. So does the quiet that follows. 

“When you imagine us sleeping together, we don’t use a condom?”

“Ah!” The phone drops to the mattress as you cover your ears and roll onto your side, curling into yourself once more. “You didn’t have to say it! You make me sound so weird!”

“It’s not weird,” he laughs, because he can probably imagine exactly what you just did, “I just wanted to make sure I was understanding you. That said… we would definitely use protection.”

“Do we have to?”

The quiet words take even you by surprise—and they seem to stun Spencer as well. Several false starts are punctuated by a sigh as he gathers his thoughts. 

“We really should, baby. That’s the kind of thing we need to take seriously.”

“But you’re… you’re good, right?”

Thankfully he picks up on your meaning. 

“I am. I wouldn’t touch you if I weren’t.”

“And I’m good. So...”

“Hm. And has anyone ever explained to you where babies come from?”

You groan in frustration. 

“Spencer, I’m being serious! There are ways to negate that.”

“Honey,” he murmurs, “I understand that. But it would be irresponsible of me to say yes. We can talk about it in the future, but—”

“I’m telling you it’s already dealt with. The chances of an accidental pregnancy are slim to none.”

The new information hangs in the air for a moment until Spencer speaks—to your surprise, his voice is low and humorous. 

“That is… good to know. But even so—I’m setting a dangerous precedent if I always let you get exactly what you want.”

“Is it such a bad thing that I just wanna—I wanna know what it feels like? You don’t want that?”

“That’s not what I said. I want to know exactly what you feel like. I’m just hesitant to give in so quickly because it makes me look weak.”

You laugh breathlessly, caught between being turned on by the first part of his sentence and amused by the sarcastic second half. Your thighs clench and your hand absentmindedly wanders between them. 

“You know what I was thinking about?” you ask. Spencer hums curiously. “I was thinking about when you let me, um… when you let me touch you how you touch me.” He hums again, but you can hear the amused curve of a smile in it now.

“When you had your mouth all full of me and you looked so pretty?”

“When I—yeah,” you agree, too caught up to deny his compliment as your fingers brush your most sensitive spot through clothing. “And  how you got me all messy after. And I was wondering what it would feel like… inside me.”

He sucks in a breath. Your legs brush against each other and you twist slightly as you pretend like you’re not touching yourself just a little bit. 

“You want me to come inside you?”

“Yeah,” you whisper, brain short-circuiting at the way those words sound in his voice. 

—

On the other side of the line, Spencer isn’t doing a fantastic job of thinking clearly either. His dick is half-hard already and it’s only getting worse with each little noise you make that you don’t seem to realize you’re making. 

“Really? That would be very messy, baby. I’m surprised that’s what you want.”

“But I really want it,” you breathe. He’s not even looking as he slips his hand under the waistband of his pajamas and palms himself, his other hand rubbing tiredly over his face as his phone rests on his chest. This was not how he intended for this call to go, believe it or not—but he’s here now. 

“Yeah? Is that why you’re touching yourself right now?”

You go silent—which is more or less exactly the reaction Spencer had been expecting. Patiently he waits for you to deny it, in three, two—

“’M not.”

Now, he could explain how he knows that’s a lie. How your breathing pattern changed, and your voice got softer and airier, and how you started speaking with smaller words in fragmented sentences. But he doesn’t feel like explaining any of that. 

“I know that’s not true,” he murmurs. “You know what? It wasn’t fair to get you all worked up last night and then leave. I don’t want you frustrated, honey. I want you to do whatever you need to do.”

You make a little gasping noise, and Spencer can imagine the way your back would arch when you did it. His own hips buck slightly as his dick twitches under his fingers. 

“Where are you touching?”

“Um—over my clothes.”

Cute. 

“Go under them for me. Tell me how it feels when you’re touching yourself like that.”

It takes a moment, in which all he hears is the rustling of fabric, until you’re whispering, “feels… it feels good. I wish you were here.”

He inhales, freeing his cock and squeezing the base. 

“I know. Just listen to my voice, pretty. I’m right here.”

Spencer allows himself a few slow tugs as he imagines what’s happening in his bed. You make a squeaking noise, like a held-back moan, and his eyes screw shut. 

“I need them inside,” you whine, and he knows you’re referring to his fingers—the ones currently stroking his own leaking cock. 

“You can use your own, just give yourself a minute first. Remember what I said about needing to be ready?”

“I am ready—” judging by the surprised chirp you interrupt yourself with, you’ve proven yourself right. What surprises Spencer is the weak sound of disappointment you make next. “Spence, it doesn’t feel the same.”

“We’re different sizes, honey. Your hands aren’t as big as mine. But you can still make it feel good.” 

He almost says, 90% of the nerves in the vaginal canal are located in the lower third—in other words, within approximately 2.36 inches from the opening, which you can most certainly reach—but he refrains. He’s not sure if that’s good dirty talk. 

“You have a really sensitive spot about three inches up, right in front. It’s going to feel a little different than the rest of you when you touch it. I want you to try and find it for me, okay?”

“Okay,” you breathe, ever-eager to please even from a great distance. There’s a quiet moment. “I can’t—I don’t think I can r—oh,”

The moan is so pretty Spencer can’t help speeding up the motion of his hand, hissing slightly as his fingers brush against the angry tip with every pump. 

“Did you find it?”

“Yeah,” you whine, a weak, high-pitched thing. “Oh my god.”

“Be gentle,” he warns with some effort as his own hips jump slightly. “You’re really sensitive there. If you’re not careful you’ll make yourself sore.”

“I don’t care—holy shit—” the way your voice rises and tightens to a squeak at the end has Spencer moaning as he fucks his fist. A black hole forms and warps time, turning every minute into a second and every second into an infinity until he has no idea how much time is going by. He drags his thumb over the tip, smearing precum over his cock and whining as his jaw drops at the feeling. “Oh my god, Spencer,” in that same strained, high voice. “’M gonna—ah!”

He gets the general sentiment. 

“What, baby? You’re gonna make yourself come all over your fingers? Is that what you wanted to tell me?”

“Mhm!”

“Yeah, I bet you are. It feels good, huh?”

“Yes,” you cry. 

“See? You don’t need my fingers to feel good. Mine barely fit, you know that? I have to hold your fucking hips down whenever I put my fingers in you because you can’t stop squirming. I don’t know how you think you’re going to take my cock.”

“Spencer!” 

He knows. 

“Come, baby. Let me hear you.”

The delicate sounds you make as you bring yourself to orgasm tip him over the edge of his own—grunting as he comes all over his fist. 

“Jesus,” he strains under his breath, the word dragging out into two long syllables as his hips buck involuntarily and cum drips down his knuckles. He’s lightheaded and he’s created a mess and it all happened so quickly. “Fuck,” he breathes, a rasping chuckle as he reaches for the towel he’d dropped on the bed after his shower earlier. “You conscious over there?”

“I’m conscious,” you slur, breathing heavily. “I’ve never had an orgasm by myself before.”

“Are you proud of yourself?” Spencer smiles, wiping his hand off and making sure he’s otherwise clean. “You should be. I am.”

He’s barely kidding. 

“I’ll be proud when I can do it without your help,” you tease. 

“But I’ll always want to help you with that.” His already warm face flushes further as he goes over what he’d said. “Sorry I was so vulgar.”

You laugh. He blushes even more. 

“Are you? I think you secretly love being vulgar.”

“I don’t know why! I have no idea where it comes from. I would never speak that way in any other context. I should probably work on that. Sometimes I look back on the things I say and I’m genuinely appalled.”

“Well, don’t stop on my account. Personally I enjoy it.”

“Yeah, I think I’m corrupting you. You probably shouldn’t enjoy it.”

The truth of it weighs heavy on his mind, but he’s pretty sure his voice alone doesn’t betray that and you can’t sense it through the phone. 

“Oh, my god. Do not do that falling on your sword shit. I like being corrupted by you. If you stop I’ll be very upset.”

“Well god forbid you get upset,” he teases gently. Idly he wonders if the reason he’s suddenly feeling so depressed is because his cortisol levels were already high from the case, and then he jarred his system with an orgasm, spiking his dopamine and ultimately causing it to plummet without the oxytocin release that post-coital physical contact would usually provide. 

Or if it was something else. It could also be something else. 

For the millionth time, he wishes he was with you. Part of him also wants to go to sleep. But mostly he wishes he was with you. 

—

A comfortable silence settles over the conversation. In the ditch between words, you’re mapping constellations in the texture of Spencer’s ceiling. If you squeeze your eyes almost shut, you can imagine it really is the night sky. You can imagine he’s really here. 

You think about what he said—his apparently mindless vulgarity. Did it mean anything? Or was he just rambling to get you off?

“Spencer?” you murmur. 

“Yeah?”

“Can I ask you a question?”

He sounds earnest, perhaps a little tired, as he replies, “always,” through the little metal rectangle on your chest. He likes me and my questions are important to him, you repeat to yourself silently as you work up the strength. 

“If Penelope hadn’t called, last night… were you going to have sex with me?” 

Your lip tastes like his toothpaste as you chew it. Spencer sucks in a breath of air like he’s about to speak—and lets it fizzle out like foam on a carbonated drink. 

“I don’t know,” he finally admits, lamely. “That wasn’t my plan, but you can be extremely convincing when you want to be.”

“But why can’t it be your plan?” It’s an almost whine, pouty and childish—but the next words are quiet and pained. “Is it something I’m doing wrong?”

“No, no! It’s not you. You’re perfect. It’s—it’s complicated. It’s a me thing.”

Such trite words—such a ubiquitous, simple excuse sounds almost comical from his mouth when you know he’s capable of all the eloquence in the world. It’s not you, it’s me. It’s ridiculous. 

“Okay. Let me simplify this for you,” you begin with an uncharacteristic assertiveness that surprises even you. “I want to have sex with you. Either we are going to have sex or we’re not. So your future branches in two diverging paths. In one, we have sex, and then we keep having sex. In the other we never have sex ever. If you want to ever have the privilege of fucking me, then we just have to do it. Otherwise it simply will never happen. And I’m not eternally patient, Reid.”

Go me, you think, slightly breathless from your monologue. 

“Watch your mouth,” he says dryly. Something about the chastisement makes your stomach flip and your whole body tingle. “When you talk to me you call me Spencer. I will also accept Doctor Reid.” You wrestle down a smile, refusing to let him change the subject. A delayed sigh from him sobers up the conversation. “You know what I want. I’ve been very clear with you about that. But…”

“But…?”

Another sigh. A deeper, shuddering sigh, like his breath is searching for balance. Like Spencer is in a precarious position for which he was unprepared. 

“But—but to be completely honest… I worry that you’ll regret choosing me. And I know virginity is a social construct and I’m not implying that your worth will somehow be diminished if we have sex but regardless of my views on virginity as a construct, having sex for the first time can be weird and scary and it’s incredibly intimate and I don’t want you to regret your first time like I regret mine because you chose the wrong person.”

The words come at you so rapid-fire it takes you a moment to process them. And aside from all the ways you want to reassure him that you will not regret choosing him—that you could never, ever regret anything about him—one thing stands out. 

“You regret your first time?” 

Something between a scoff and a sigh travels through the line. You can tell he’s not annoyed at you for asking so much as he’s flustered himself with all his own words as he occasionally does. 

“Yeah. Yes. Sometimes I do. The person—she didn’t… like me as much as I liked her. And I was really, really in love with her, and she knew that and she knew she wasn’t in love with me—or maybe she was, I don’t know—but my point is, when one person likes the other more than the other person like them, things get complicated. And however you feel about me—that’s fine. It’s fine. I don’t want you to feel bad if we don’t feel exactly the same way about each other. I understand that this is newer for you, it’s different, I—I just don’t want us to do something we can’t undo because I don’t want to relive that. And I’m not saying it will never happen but I just don’t want you to make this choice when… when right now, I think we’re in different places emotionally. Regardless of that, I want you to choose the right person. I don’t want you to choose me and then find out that we feel differently after we sleep together and leave you feeling like you signed up for something you didn’t understand. I’m sorry. Maybe telling you this is selfish. But I’ve been thinking about it and trying to ignore it and I think I just have to be completely honest.”

Your ears ring like Spencer just fired a blank right into the microphone. Like you just got backhanded across the face and now you have the world’s worst case of whiplash. 

Every finger is numb and your blood is so cold it feels blue as it slithers thick through your veins. 

What you want to do is scream. What you want to do is go back to last night and stop yourself from almost telling him I love you, slap yourself and keep your cards a little closer to your chest. Because now he knows, and he doesn’t feel the same. 

You want to scream bloody murder. 

But when you try, when you unhinge your jaw and part your chapped lips and expect a bellow to come hurdling up the corridor of your throat with so much force it rattles your bones, all that falls out is a small, “oh.”

Maybe that’s worse. 

Spencer doesn’t reply. You hate yourself for feeling obliged to fill the silence. 

“I didn’t realize you…”

I didn’t realize that you don’t love me back. 

I didn’t realize I like you more than you like me. 

I didn’t realize you’d tell me to masturbate in your fucking bed and then drop this not even five minutes later. 

If Spencer Reid was able to talk to you over the phone with the same amount of affection and familiarity as always, like everything was still okay, knowing you love him and he doesn’t love you the whole time, he is not who you thought he was. 

“I’m sorry,” he lamely says again, like it could ever help. 

More silence. Now you can’t bring yourself to speak, so Spencer does. 

“I realize how awkward this is. I really didn’t mean to put you in this position. Especially not over the phone when I—god, I’m stupid. I’m sorry. But can we—can we talk about this in person when I get back? Please?”

Is that what grownups do? Is the proper etiquette for him to take you out to dinner and explain why he’s not in love with you? Is he going to break up with you?

What does one even wear to a breakup date?

“Okay,” you whisper. Your eyes sting, your everything stings, like you’ve been wrapped in a shroud of briar. Sheets that were soft a moment ago feel like sandpaper on open wounds. You feel like an open wound. 

Spencer sighs. It’s a sound of relief that confuses and hurts you even more. 

“Okay. I—okay. Thank you. Um—I’ll let you go back to sleep, now.”

“Okay,” you repeat—as if any of this were okay. But you can’t keep being that stupid girl who feels it all so much harder, who loves easily and begs to be loved in return, too naive to assume that someone who treats her so kindly might not reciprocate her feelings. It has to be okay, because if it’s not, you’re silly and dramatic and you’re just proving him right. 

“Goodnight,” Spencer whispers, and you can’t help but feeling that it’s the last time you’ll ever hear those words from his mouth while you’re in his bed. And he’s not even fucking here.

So you pull the blanket a little higher. You let your tears stain his pillow because they’ll be invisible by the morning. It will be like they were never here. Like you were never here. 

“Goodnight.”

How he sings😂😂😂

♤ I Can't Help Myself ♤

“Look, Spencer. I probably have nothing against you personally. But I've just been conned into another three months of probationary minimum wage because your boss at the Bureau decided he wanted rid of you for a month or two. Some of us didn't get child genius scholarships for multiple PhDs and aren't receiving two paychecks right now.” “If money is an issue, Y/N, you know I could-” “No. No, stop butting into my personal problems. We can be civil, but we're not… we're not friends, Spencer.” You stepped back and let out another sigh as you forced the words to stand between you. “Okay. I'll stay out of your way.” “Great. Looking forward to it.” “Sure. Me too.”

Synopsis: Just when you think everything is going right for you, Spencer Reid walks into your life and ruins everything. Stealing your job and half of your office, you can manage, but you won't let him steal your heart as well.

Warnings (possible spoilers): Enemies to lovers, academic rivals to lovers, slight age gap, Professor Reader x Professor Spencer, eventual smut, unplanned pregnancy.

A/N: Welcome to my new series! This one specifically is dedicated to the one anon in my inbox that has been asking only for enemies to lovers for like 8 months now, but also to anyone who is a great enemies-with-benefits-to-lovers fan!

Masterlist || 5k Celebration Challenge

Chapter One - Puppet on a String

Chapter Two - 20/5/24

Chapter Three - 27/5/24

Chapter Four - 3/6/24

Chapter Five - 10/6/24

Chapter Six - 17/6/24

Chapter Seven - 24/6/24

Chapter Eight - 1/7/24

Chapter Nine - 8/7/24

Chapter Ten - 15/7/24

Epilogue One - 22/7/24

tiktok: @ jobebellingham7