AU: Frodo Returns From Mordor A Shell Of His Former Self. That Being Said, Thorin And Bilbo Are Determined

Uhh... I'm just gonna put it here..

Heh? Me?

here's a random word generator--whatever word it gives you is now the thing you are the deity of

HE WAS A C O W THIS WHOLE TIME—

ok, i love this au even more, it's a masterpiece

and tommy was a cow...

he was a c o w

The Lambs Wolves Wear part 7

Dark SBI AU where Philza’s human children were replaced by monsters. Start of The Lambs Wolves Wear is here.

“You promise you won’t get mad?” “Tommy” asked nervously, pacing before him.

“I could never be mad at you,” Philza gently told the thing that had stolen his son from him. The shapeshifting demon dithered, wringing his claws. Then the towering beast crouched before him, piercing yellow eyes skewering the tiny mortal. The muzzle housing sharp fangs and rancid breath butted its nose against his chest. 

“Can you pleeeease make that a blood oath?” A growl hissed in his throat as Philza refused, but it turned into a whimper as Philza gave him a disappointed look. Philza wasn’t exactly sure how he’d gained dominance over a demon, but “Tommy” was utterly terrified of his wrath today. Strange. Usually he scoffed at mortal disapproval. The demon mulled his quandary over, then declared: “If you get mad at me, I shall slaughter you and raze your land. I shall curse your bloodline to a thousand generations so that your ancestors are ashamed and your descendants revile you. 

“What have I said about death threats?” “Tommy” snarled in a lash of embers, and Philza braced himself not to flinch. Fear only encouraged “Tommy” further, and any threat could be turned into a bluff if you challenged it bravely enough. Not that he was all bark and no bite; the beast had wicked fangs, but only if you didn’t evade in time. After months living with the expectation he would be ripped to shreds the moment he slipped up, Philza was far less phased than he used to be. 

“But it’s a special occasion. Can’t you make an exception this one time?” Philza stood his ground, and the demon’s eyes darkened, thunder rolling overhead. Body contorting in gut wrenching ways, the shapeshifter surged forward in a blur of morphing form. “Tommy” twisted himself into the disguise of Philza’s son once more, tears blossoming in his adorable eyes as the demon begged. 

It felt like the wind was sucked out of Philza as the arms of his missing son wrapped around his waist, nuzzling into his side. So rarely had “Tommy” worn the skin of Tommy after the deceit was revealed that Philza had forgotten how potent it was. The plaintive cries mewling out of his not-son-never-my-son’s throat pierced his heart as the demon manipulated the soul of the bereaved parent. With a shaking gasp Philza remembered to breathe. “Tommy, I said no.” 

“But I’m really, really scared, and if I was allowed to rend you limb from limb it would make me feel much safer.” 

“Unfortunately, sometimes we have to be brave and kind even when we’re terrified. It becomes easier the more you try.” When Philza carded his hands through the golden hair of the thing pretending to be his son, it didn’t destroy him like it used to. Quiet was the terror so palpable he once choked on it, the grief so soul wrenching he thought he should break down weeping. He’d spent so long surviving that the revulsion no longer registered. Now, it was simply a necessity. 

The boy in his arms unraveled with a growl, the giant demon towering over him once more. “Tommy’s” fangs snapped close around Philza, ripping into his shirt and dragging him upward like a kitten caught by its scruff. “Tommy” prowled away from the home, roaming over pasture and shying away when a hoard of “Technoblade’s” undead warriors surged out in waves of phantasmal forces to rebuke him for almost trampling the crops. “Tommy’s” growl reverberated Philza’s bones, narrowly avoiding dropping the dangling human and causing him to splatter on the ground far below. 

Eventually, Philza was dropped a nearly safe amount. Groaning, he peeled himself off the grass. Having grown comfortable with the demon, who hardly ate any of them ever, the cows didn’t even look up from grazing. Well, save for a young calf, who blinked with languid eyes and trotted up to Philza, nudging him for treats. “Tommy” dithered, pacing in a fashion that left scorch marks across the ground. He scowled at the calf and shoved it carelessly away from Philza. “--and, and you promise you won’t get rid of me. Right dad?” 

“I could never.” What type of power did “Tommy” imagine he had? The beast butted his horned head against Philza, and he stroked “Tommy’s” muzzle as scarlet slit eyes narrowed upon him. He’s never seen the demon so cagey, but his assurances seem to soothe his bristling spines. 

“Tommy” sighed as he was scratched behind the ears, and came to a resolve. Before he could react, a nova built in his maw, plasma crackling fiercely into blinding radiance. His jaw unhinged into bristling flames, and “Tommy” breathed out pure hellfire in an all consuming column, smiting the calf. Philza sighed. Sure. Why not. “Did you drag me out here just to barbecue a cow?”

“You said you wouldn’t get-!”

And then Philza saw the charred husk of the calf. Or rather, the lack of it. Because sitting in a pile of charred grass was Tommy. He crawled away to fresh vegetation, and continued happily munching grass. 

Philza whipped around to the demon. “You turned my son into a COW?!” 

“YOU SAID YOU WOULDN’T GET MAD!”

“What if I sold him? Or ate him???”

The demon paused. “...I didn’t think about that…” 

Tommy was incredibly disorientated as Philza helped him to his feet. He didn’t stop chewing the grass in his mouth. “Oh hey Dad, I had the weirdest dream…” the rest of his sentence was muffled by Philza wrapping him in a bone crushing hug. Philza sunk to his knees, clutching his child to his chest. He felt so, so cold, absent of the hellfire that coursed under the skin of the demon who wore his small body like a pretty mask. The real Tommy. His Tommy. He cradled the boy’s face reverently, soaking it in. 

“Huh?” Tommy blinked at him as Philza began to cry. “What’s wrong dad?” 

“Nothing,” he murmured, pressing a kiss to his son’s forehead. “Nothing at all.”

And then Tommy was ripped from his arms, “Tommy” snarling at him. “You said you wouldn’t replace me. You SAID–” The demon was cut off as Philza gathered him in a tight embrace. “Tommy” went utterly still, but Philza didn’t let go even as his skin began to burn, thanking the demon for returning his son. At his words, “Tommy” began to tremble. “I’m sorry. I’m really, really, sorry, I should’ve given Tommy back weeks ago. I thought– I thought you’d get rid of me once you had him.” He sounded guilty for his doubt, despite the fact that had been Philza’s plan for months. 

“Of course not. My heart is big enough for the both of you.” He held the both of them close. 

Tommy squirmed, not entirely sure what was happening. “Uh that’s nice Dad. Can I go back to eating grass now?” 

“Tommy” brightened. “Yeah! Now that you know you can stop worrying about him! He was really happy as a cow, I promise.”

“NO!” It snapped out harsher than Philza intended, and his stomach flipped. He couldn’t ruin this now that he had his real son back. In fact, it would only become harder now that he had to protect a vulnerable child incapable of matching the monsters wit for wit. A deep breath. Okay. “It’s not nice to turn people into animals, okay?” Tommy was at once enticed, demanding to know if the demon could turn the baker into an ugly toad. The pair’s mischievous smile matched perfectly, and Philza winced. “And, now that Tommy is back, I don’t want the two of you to get mixed up. It will be a lot easier if you pick a different name and form. We talked about indoor forms, remember? Like the cat? You make a very formidable cat, I think-”

“Nah,” Tommy dismissed. He stuck his tongue out, and “Tommy” matched it with a forked one. “I think I can work with this.” An evil grin spread over both Tommy’s faces.

Next>

Consider

Vast with flirting skills

chat loves him

Legendary phoenix.

lotr/the hobbit incorrect quotes

part 6? is it six? might be six. i kinda forgot i left it in wips, sry

Gandalf: we need a plan

Gandalf: *points at Merry and Pippin* no explosions

Gandalf: *points at Gimli* no cursing towards elves

Gandalf: *points at Legolas* absolutely no using a shield as a fucking snowboard

Gandalf: *points at Aragorn* preferably no falling down the cliff

Gandalf: *points at Boromir* you just better be happy to still be there so stay quiet in the back, will you?

Gandalf: *points at Sam and Frodo* and we don’t sacrifice ourselves!

Gandalf: you know what, I will do the planning

— — — — —

Boromir, having no idea about geography of Middle-Earth past Rohan: so… you live in Mirkwood?

Legolas: so first of all, my father lives in Mirkwood

Legolas: I tend to live in the moment

— — — — —

Gandalf: so, what was your plan precisely?

Aragorn: Pretty much save everyone and come home unharmed?

Gandalf: plan, Aragorn, p l a n, not a fucking wishlist!

— — — — —

Just some random cook at Edoras: any allergies?

Éowyn: weak-willed men and cowards!

Éomer: and hazelnuts. she’s allergic to hazelnuts.

— — — — —

Boromir: as your adoptive older brother I will absolutely not allow you to do this stupid, immature thing…

Merry & Pippin: :((

Boromir: …alone

Boromir: and we don’t tell Faramir until we need to be bailed out of citadel’s jail

average british activities (techno is mildly terrified)

@hennagrace

foods that will poison cats:

alcohol 

chocolate

caffeine

dairy products (adults turn lactose intolerant)

fat trimmings, raw meat, eggs, fish

grapes and raisins

onions and garlic

tuna (when not made for cats)

xylitol (artificial sweetener)

if you have a cat please reblog this