How To Keep Your (Found) Family Happy

How To Keep Your (Found) Family Happy

A friend posted a cartoon about weaponized incompetence on another website and talked about how every family has this. In fact, most groups of humans have run into this at some point, it's pretty normal for humans to try to find a way to take the easiest route (even if it means more work for others).

Despite all that, I've been with the same person since 2001. We've been married most of that time, had four kids together, and moved countless times as we restarted jobs, hunted promotions, and switched career fields. And we've managed to avoid most of the pitfalls. Here's how my spouse and I have avoid fights, weaponized incompetence, bitter feelings, and feeling neglected in our relationship for over 20 years (Hint: there's a lot of communication going on)... P.S. These are all very family/relationship-centric but you can absolutely adapt them for the workplace, school, or anything else.

MAKING CHOICES AHEAD OF TIME ... the menu is made at the start of the month, money is allocated before major events, we plan trips sometimes years in advance. All of that reduces the choice making later and is one less stress to handle. This is purely a decision making fatigue thing, if you have to make a decision, it requires brain power, and after a long day you'll have none. So why not sit down on a quiet day and make all the decisions you need to make for the next week? Poof! Brain power is freed up and there is less stress!

MONTHLY & WEEKLY CALENDAR SCRUBS... we sit down and make the menu around the first of the month, and we fill in the calendar with schedules so we know which days someone will be too busy to do things like cook, wash up, or something else.

DAILY CHECK-INS... whoever is home together in the morning does a morning devotional (yoga, dance time, scriptures, motivational quote, prayers, whatever works for you) and review what's happening so everyone is tracking major tests, work meetings, stressors, ect. Then we try to have dinner together if possible (even if it means eating at 5) and then a bedtime check-in before light's out (usually scriptures, prayers, and chatting, then bedtime stories for the littles). If people are working from home, we might have lunch together too. That means we have 2-4 planned meetings a day so we can course correct. -> If you're not religious, don't stress it. Pull out some Terry Pratchett quotes, favorite poems, pick a theme song for the week and dance to it. Just give you and your people five minutes to do something happy together. -> If this is at work this might mean a team meeting at the start of the day or a 12 minute check-in at 1:30 when everyone is back from lunch. The goal is to make sure everyone is on schedule for what they need, haven't run into an emergencies, and no one has questions. A supported work team gets more done.

SPENDING LIMITS... we got married in college when we lived off college stipends of $400/m. And we had a kid. Our rule was never to spend $20 without consulting the other person. We never changed that. We discuss everything from birthday presents to grocery lists and when we're getting gas in the cars even though we're much more financially stable. It means everyone spending out of the main accounts is tracking where the money is going so we don't over-splurge.

CHORE SCHEDULES... when we were first married we'd set aside an hour or so to clean the house together. It worked. As the kids got older this got more complicated (they needed to learn how to clean). But now we're at a point where everyone has assigned chores and we put bounties on chores that need to get done and are unassigned. And then we have one cleaning day (usually Friday or Saturday) where we take an hour and all clean the shared spaces. It takes 30-60 minutes to clean the entire house if you have six people working together. Laundry has assigned days for every load. The dishwasher and cooking have assigned days. It works. Everyone helps to the best of their abilities. -> With this is a lot of Adjusted Expectations. My house is not color coordinated with everything in a bin. My family is all neurodivergent. Most our dishes live on the counters because putting them away makes them vanish. This works great for us but might be overwhelming for other people. Who cares? It's our house, we're doing what works for us and the person made about it on Instagram can suck a lemon. -> If you really cannot do chores, cosplay it. Roll the dice and make it a game. Set a timer. Bribe yourself. Make it work for you.

ONE-ON-ONE TIME... not just for me and hubby, but for parents and kids. We try to make sure everyone gets some alone time where they are the focus of attention and we can check-in and make sure their emotional needs are met. Kids need a space to vent. Adults to a space to not be parents. -> This is super important for friendships too. Make time for people in your life! -> At work, this means managers need to make time to talk with their employees, check-in, and assess who needs things (and consider the people's needs first, not the CEO's bonus)

SCHEDULED DOWNTIME... usually this is Sunday for us (the Sabbath day for our religion), but it can be whenever, and we might have more downtime scheduled on a stressful week than in an easy one. The goal here is to make sure everyone gets time to not work, not lead, not think, and just chill. They can play, listen to music, nap, whatever their brain needs, and they can do it without upsetting anyone or feeling guilty because it's part of the schedule. -> In an office this would mean not lean staffing, maybe having an early release day once a week (or a late start) or long lunches. Give your people space to zone out and chill so they can come back refreshed. -> Quiet Quitting only exists because management is trying to exploit their staff. Don't be that boss. (P.S. Join Your Union)

SOME THINGS DON'T HAPPEN... our kids are limited to one after-school activity a year and one AP class for high schoolers. We've tried other ways and found it generates too much stress. I limit projects I take on because I have a set quitting time, even though I work from home. My husband passes up on some away-from-home events with friends because we prioritize family time. Figuring out that balance is something you have to decide as a family. What works for one person won't work for all. -> In business this means doing sustainable, slow growth over rapid booms that overextend and hurt the system. Stop looking for the short term boost when long term is better.

ADAPT TO WHAT YOUR GROUP NEEDS!... this is the most important one, because what we've done over the years has changed in reaction to the needs of people around us. My kids in college need something different than the one starting middle school. My team at the lab needed something than my team at a newspaper. If you have a bunch of introverts, they probably don't want a dance party, they want a three minute meeting with a heads up about any major disturbances and then ten minutes of silence to prepare their souls for any human interaction. Do what works.