This Took Way Longer Than I’d Like To Admit 💔

This took way longer than I’d like to admit 💔

I hope someone sees my vision here jeez 😭

You don't see stars here, they're just city lights

I think back to where you live and how you can see the entire sky.

It's occasional, sometimes I'll see the moon

And I'll think of you

Jecka’s left for college, shes left home, cut contact with everyone, and starting over. However it’s not the same like it is back home, where she would sit on the roof with Nicole and look at the stars, and the moon. The moon she can’t see anymore. She tries hard to see it and the star once more, but she’s unable to.

My mom will convince me, and I'll get the courage to ask

We will get coffee in Canton and you'll nervously laugh

When we hug, 'cause we don't hug, we never used to do that

We don't do that

Nicole’s mom finally gets her to leave the house, and it ends up being when Nicole texts Jecka after 6 months asking to meet again, for coffee. She thinks it’s gay, but you gotta do what you gotta do. When they finally see each other again, they’re awkward and nervous and unsure in what to do, and that spirals into an awkward hug, that doesn’t feel like “them”. They never hugged (besides when they were drunk or high off of their tits) and it just doesn’t feel right because it wasn’t their thing and wasn’t about to become it either.

Sometimes I go to sleep

And I'm still 17

You still live down my street

You're not mad at me

Sometimes Jecka falls asleep in her shitty college bed, and if she thinks hard enough it’s like being back home. Home where she was able to walk a few minutes and she’d be at Nicole’s house. She misses this but Nicole isn’t good for her. Jecka had always thought Nicole was made at her for leaving, so when she starts thinking, Nicole isn’t mad. In fact, shes happy - something Jecka didnt normally see, but genuinely loved it.

And in that dream, I will say everything I wanted

That every day after May, I haven't found what I needed

No one has come close to you

And I don't think anyone will

The said thoughts become a constant dream for the next week, and Jecka’s able to spill her guts to Nicole. She’s rambling about anything and everything when she starts talking about how leaving her feels like a piece of her was missing, and she hasn’t found something to permanently fill it, because nothing will ever come close to Nicole. She was like a rare, one of a kind artifiact you could never replace.

Sometimes I go to sleep

And I'm still 17

You still live down my street

You're not mad at me

Nicole still lives at her mom’s house, paying rent but unemployed. Most nights she lays in bed, mind wandering but it always comes back to jecka. She falls asleep and shes once again in her prime era - being seventeen - and everything back to normal. Jecka is still a ten minute walk away (it would be five but Nicole cant be asked to walk faster). Ever since jecka left, Nicole blamed herself, for no particular reason. She just felt like it was fitting - everything was her fault anyway, this wasn’t anything special. Except it hurt worse when jecka stopped texting and calling. “Shes mad at me” was a constant thought, but now, in her stupid yet comforting make believe land, Jecka isn’t angry at her, and they’re smoking cigarettes in her bedroom again.

I have a feeling you got everything you wanted

And you're not wasting time stuck here like me

You're just thinkin' it's a small thing that happened

The world ended when it happened to me

Jecka always wanted to go to college, and do something with her life. She was getting everything she wanted - a well paying job, a rich husband, a new life with no toxicity or abuse or drugs. Nothing to ruin the perfect image she was slowly building brick by brick, chapter by chapter, line by line. She wasn’t wasting time like Nicole, who was still taking every pill in the medicine cabinet. Like Nicole, who was staying in bed until 6pm the next day, wasting away. Like Nicole, who couldnt move out of her mom’s house because she had learned to be depends on her. Jecka would say it was a small thing, her moving away “I’ll still call you, dumbass,” but being left alone with her thoughts, the only one left who hadn’t gotten their life together yet might if actually ended Nicole’s world.

I have a feeling you got everything you wanted

And you're not wasting time stuck here like me

You're just thinkin' it's a small thing that happened

The world ended when it happened to me

Jecka thinks back about Nicole, and that girl has what she wanted - no job, no school, drugs and alcohol and a bed. She had razor blades, and shit - maybe she would kill herself before she was 30. It didn’t seem much, and probably stupid to other people, but they didn’t know Nicole like Jecka did. College had been a slow, slow walk so far - Jecka felt like she had learned nothing, since she learned all this back in high school. It felt like she was wasting away at her desk, slaving over her laptop and a bit of A4 paper. Nicole always seemed uncaring or unaffected when jecka mentioned college. It was a small thing, supposedly. It didn’t matter, because they were only high school friends anyway - this was destined to happen. However Nicole didnt know how Jecka would lay there and sob, because she was fucking her life over. She didn’t want a career in the medical field. She didn’t want a rich husband. She didn’t want a new life; she wanted something small, but payed her rent - or something big like an actor, so she could get the attention she craved. She didn’t want a rich husband - shit, she didn’t even like guys! She wanted a wife. Or girlfriend or whatever you called it. She didn’t want a new life - she wanted the messy, toxic one she had before with Nicole. Her world collapsed inwards when she started her car, her own glassy eyes catching Nicole’s dead ones in the rear view mirror.

When it happened to me, when it happened to me

They both have no idea how much it’s affected the other, being apart and not talking. It’s like a telepathic sort of thing, or voodoo or whatever. It physically hurt them both.

I have a feeling you got everything you wanted.

Jecka got to go to college, and start over

And you're not wasting time stuck here like me

Nicole is wasting away in bed, doing drugs and getting drunk by midday

You're just thinkin' it's a small thing that happened

They both said it wasn’t a big deal

The world ended when it happened to me

Yet they feel empty and unfixable without each other. They had one fragment of themselves missing, and nothing was the right size to fix it, like a jigsaw puzzle. So until something happens, they’ll remain memories just out of reach.

Idk what this means but I could make a sick edit of them if it was a show 💔💔 @st4rlight-kayz @spaceboyden @silverwasafukintrainwreck @polomarco2