John And Arthur: Where Should We Go? Arkham? New York?

**All of the Malevolent spoilers (up to 25)**

A Record of MC’s Meat Suit

@neutronbutt

This will by no means be comprehensive, but here are some of the things I noted:

Day 1:

Has a fight with Eddie the Maintenance Man and is nearly strangled to death.

Gets in a car crash. Sounded bad, but even the baby was fine, so…?

Gets stabbed in the abdomen and is in a coma for over a month

Day 2

Is running for his life within an hour of waking up from a coma. That can’t be good for you.

Smacks his head on a boathouse

Gets beaten by cops

Gets shot twice in the gut and once in the chest. Saved by ghost.

Day 3

Smacks head on dock.

Gets blood drawn by cultists. Probably no long term effects. hopefully.

Falls in an old elevator from an unspecified height. Uneven footsteps for some time afterward.

Larvae starts burrowing into arm, burns it out with a lighter

Big river monster draws a substantial amount of blood from abdomen with apparent anti-clotting abilities.

Extraplanar entity attempts to destroy soul. Don’t know if that left a mark.

Bites off the tip of his pinky

Day 4

Sandstorm removes skin from right(?) side of face and damages right(?) eye. Presumably damaged any other exposed skin.

Fights an electricity snake.

Blows up the boat the snake is in

Falls into a big nasty pit. Specifically mentions injuring his back and being unable to walk on his ankle

Falls over a smaller drop of some kind

Gets crushed under a rock- mentions leg and arm are injured

Resets dislocated shoulder with no medical training, being instructed by a being that can barely remember possessing a physical body.

Has fight with own hand. I think another attempt at strangulation

Starved and tortured in a prison in the world of a god of suffering and madness for 3 months

Day 5 ✨

I think he managed to avoid serious injury until leg snap x2 + throat stab, which Kayne fixes

Edit: oh yeah I forgot about frostbite.

“In wind chill of minus 16.6 F (minus 27 C), frostbite can occur on exposed skin in less than 30 minutes.”

So what if like most of your skin is exposed and ur severely underweight and losing copious amounts of blood and occasionally falling unconscious in the middle of a snowstorm on a mountain? 🤔

Day 6

Then there’s just the unspecified leg injury that causes him to pass out. Wow he was really on a roll these past 2 days

An indeterminate time passes, but I’ll call it

Day 7

That’s right, folks, we’ve almost spent a full week with Arty and John

Now it’s just the recent stuff. He says his leg just feels stiff now, and ponders over the drastic recovery 👀

Ear monch

Fall down what sounds like a really long mine shaft. He encounters a lot of shafts huh

Aaaand we’re caught up

Let’s see we’re 2.5 days of strenuous activity (+however long he was unconscious) without food. I suppose that is nothing outside his norm.

Those are most of the major injuries. In the intervening time, he engages in plenty of activities that would result in cuts and bruises. If you want to get real nuanced with your blorbo-crushing you can research the physical effects of chronic stress, coma without proper recovery, and of long-term starvation.

At this point I’m convinced that John is affording him boosted constitution.

Wait a minute, “Plastic Jesus” wasn’t written until the 1950s. Kellin’s a time traveller!

…or The Voices in his head are. Hmmm.

I hope Larson and Yellow(?) have a similar bonding experience to Arthur and John but more fucked up and evil

At some point we have to talk about how Uncle fixed the music box and then sat alone listening to it until he was stabbed in the back by the living embodiment of a dry spaghetti noodle, but instead of snapping him in half, he punted him out of the way, fled, and hid in a bedroom.

Uncle, the guy who was turned into a monster by someone who was supposes to take care of him, and who was made to kill on command. And then got intentionally abandoned in a mansion at night with the aforementioned murderous noodle-man.

okay the thing is Kayne literally speaks abt the fucking patrons and i picked this up last night and it’s been driving me mad bc he. He Is Talking About Us.

Well, us as in the patreon users but ykwim

Ep 20, when they’re talking about Destiny and Choices and blah blah blah, This is what Kayne says

“Nooo nononono its not your choice, or his choice”

and then he says a bit later

“okay it’s not a choice, it’s fate, it’s allll predestined”

what he’s Saying is, it IS a choice, but not for Arthur and John. It IS a choice, for the patrons, but it’s fate for Arthur and John. So talking to them, really, it’s not a choice, for them it is destiny.

There’s also another one that MIGHT be a stretch ?? but idk. This is in Coda

“and there’s nothing in it for me ? yknow, someone outta tell them that coins don’t land on their sides, your friends SUCK at following the rules”

Idk I kinda think the “friends” are the Patrons, and not following the rules could be. the ties in votes, which i think people said gives John another limb ? or could even be the patrons getting Arthur killed with their choices, and he still gets back up.

I only drew this conclusion bc Arthur doesn’t have friends so this is the last thing i could think of.

ANYWAY Kayne knows the patrons exist this motherfucker does the office stare of podcasts and it’s great

Can Arthur or John speak Middle English?

Pspspsps

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Dates coming soon!

Prompt list coming soon!

Ao3 collection coming soon!

Thank you @xenolinn for the header and @nauti-ca for the icon!!

With all this talk about “ram-like” people, I think we have neglected the potential of Sheep Friend. I want a Sheep Friend for Arthur (maybe even John too)

Congratulations on being canon

arthur, listen to me very closely. there is a mcdonald’s on this block to your left. walk up to it. good. now arthur, go in and order the 6 piece chicken nuggets. good, arthur. your order number is 11 arthur. yes arthur this is helping us. the king in yellow arthur