I Forget How Much I Love Performing

my english lang writing

19th feb 2024

(the prompt was write a story beginning with "this was going to be a terrible day, one of those days when its best to just stay in bed because everything is going to turn out bad")

this was going to be a terrible day, one of those days when its best to just stay in bed because everything is going to turn out bad.

what a horrible thought to have so early in the morning, this could end up being a great day, i scold myself from inside my own head, yes definately, like yesterday or the day before that, sarcasm leaking from the voice in my head to reprimand yet another voice in my head.

'list the requirements for a bad day.' an old therapy exersize that, for some reason, stuck.

gloomy weather? no, sweet blue skies, candyfloss clouds, warm sun falling through the leaves high above. loud or unnerving surroundings? even less so, light green water laps the bank of a jarringly serene lake flowers waft around the waters edge bowing to meet the surface. around bad people? technically, i am around nobody, calm, alone, peaceful, seemingly, my own inner monolouge is proving to be todays biggest enemy.

today actually has the trappings of a great day, which means it is one of these days. worse than one of the gloomy grey days or days full of work, today is one of the days where i feel so, so bad for being so miserable, for wishing for a storm so i am forced inside and i have to rot in my own misery. slowly i stand up, walking toward the waters edge. the top layer of water is warm after being in the sun for so long, the lower layers are cool and dark. i push myself down.

light filters through a meter or so of water, lake plants grow only a few more meters down. here it is calm, and serene and peaceful. i find myself hating it all over again. floating upwards, i try to count all the reasons i have to be happy. all outweighed by the fact that i am miserable.

my body floats on the surface of the water, my mind is disjointed, forcing me back into a memory where i do not float alone, where next to melays a girl with a smile like sunshine and a laugh like alchohol, she is intoxicating.

"mandy."

she drags out the last letter, i hear it like she is there, all over again i dive deep under water praying the pressure crushes me or the water to fill my lungs. it is so very dark again.

"she would want you to be happy now."

would she?

"she loved you."

did she?

the voices come from all around and i want to inhale and drown them out, everyone telling me to be happy for her because she cannot. she would be better at this, at the moving on part, i am so good at the greiveing, the loss, the wallowing. i exhale and push back up

"no."

her voice plays in my head, an old memory from when i told her i couldnt live without her. so i will breathe fresh, hot, summer air, even if just to spite the girl, because i have to keep her memory and love alive. today is terrible without her and so will the rest of them be, but i will live them, because she told me to and it is rude to disrespect the dead.

my body floats atop the water again.

today was just a little less terrible.

anyways,

Being sick sucks so bad

13 aug 2024

I’ve been sick with some stomach flu recently and just remembered how horrible it is to need to throw up (it’s so bad) BUT the worst thing is that it’s been a week and I’ve not been able to stand up without being really nauseous?? Like if I stand up slowly it’s fine I just get a little ache but if I just go from laying to sitting up or sitting to standing too quickly I feel like vomiting AND SOMETIMES I DO

this sucks and I hate it here.

Anyways,

Ugh… boys.

23 sept 2024

Apparently Louis was a racist in year 7??? I severely doubt he still is because of a mild aggression in year 7, still can never be too safe

Or maybe you can.

Anyways,

"I'm gay" "I'm straight" yea well I'm the son of poseidon??? I never asked to be?? but I'm the son of poseidon?? now face the tide inside of me??? smh

Kind of a tortured metaphor

12 feb 2024

mummy polishes the floor using surface polish. its really slippery and i fall down alot, currently i have bruises on both my legs. when i ask her to stop so i dont get hurt she yells and gets angry.

quite literally her need for perfection will kill us all. (figuratively and literally)

anyways,

warm bread with butter. reblog if you Agree

any wildest fantasies?

being loved or something

But we’ve never actually had a conversation

"This is a Joe Alwyn album" "This is a Matty Healy album" shut up shut up SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!! Swifties are so annoying, this is a TAYLOR SWIFT ALBUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY IS YOUR FIRST REACTION TO ASSIGN THINGS TO A MAN!!!!!!!!!!!! I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!!!!!

3 dec 2024

She had no idea what she was going to lose. Didn’t even stop to savour it.

Anyways,

I forget how much I love performing

16 apr 2024

Jamie opened tonight!! it was insane, that buzz that feeling you get inside I forget how real it is, like electricity is in the air and everyone’s joy is palpable. I’ll really miss this. This community, everyone is friends, I’ll talk to the people I wouldn’t normally talk to and you stay on stage left cramped in with everyone and it feels so real.

Anyways,