This Is Amusing.

One thing that amaze me from the whole humans are space orcs is that, as far i know, no one have mentioned how human media or more specific “Human horror / sci fi media” will affect how the rest of galactic society will perceive humanity

Aliens surprised about how they have never cross paths with the aliens species the humans have battle as see in these “movies” humans love to watch

At first they thinks “movies” must be some class of audiovisual record of human history to be thaught to future genertions but then they are atonished about how humans look foward to see and renact some of these “movies” in what they called “reboots” and collect some ritual figures of the heros and adversaries in that movies.

Even the young ones get some of this as “toys”

Humans are a proud warrior race it seems

But then, it sinks to them “We never have heard about that aliens species before…” and the humans looks almost so casual sharings and retelling this movies almost funnily between them. And its shocking because, how one single race could just have extinguished from the face of the universe multiple threats and just shrug it off??

Its not a surpise that when the first contact bewtween space community and the human race start with “Hello humans! We come in peace! No, seriously.. really we really come in peace.We know about the legendary tales of Ellen Ripley and Will Smith and do not have a death wish”

Humans are weird

So everyone has that friend who you love to pieces but don’t trust at all right? Like they’ll get you food or something’s and you won’t  touch it because WHAT DID YOU DO TO IT. DONT LIE TO ME. I KNOW YOU MESSED WITH IT.  And whenever it has to do with your siblings that reaction is amplified. Imagine that with aliens

*alien brings drink to new human recruits in attempt to build a friendship* 

Alien:Hello human Lila! I have broughht you a refreshment of your species life substance water!

Lila: err, what did you do to it. 

Alien: Nothing, why would I tamper with it?

Lila: alright thanks but, who put you up to this. It wasn’t Dan wasn’t it. Well you can go tell him to buzz off.

*alien walk so away in confusion to go consult with Human Mary*

Mary: don’t worry about it, we refer to it a short our survival instinct 

my new years resolution is to own one of these

To be fair, humans are some bullshit from a balance perspective.

“I’ll just outrun that human…any day now… any… day… jesus christ it’s the terminator.”

“Maybe I can outsmart it and hide. What’s that you say, its brain takes up 20% of it’s caloric intake? FML.”

“It doesn’t have any natural weapons. I’ll just turn around and kill it. OH GOD IT’S GOT STONE CLAWS THAT ARE UNHOLY SHARP!”

“Okay, fight number two. It’s squishy so if I’m careful and find the right time when it’s weak I can - IT HAS PROJECTILE SHARP THINGS!”

“I’ll try crossing the river. It’s too gangly to be buoya - IT CAN SWIM?!?”

“Okay nothing can swim and run and climb. I’ll just go up this tree… FML it descended from apes.”

“It doesn’t even have fur, I can run to a colder climate and escape. Welp, it’s wearing the fur of my loved ones to keep warm.”

“If the whole herd bands together and protects each other, we can trample it… it can CONTROL FIRE.”

“Fuck it. Might as well just follow them around and get domesticated.”

Prettymuch everything we did to animals comes out of a horror movie.

well now i’m on an aliens kick. also, i just went in my kitchen to get some ice water and walked in on a fucking roach orgy because no matter how much i clean this apartment is fucking ghetto so let’s talk about how aliens would react to human pest control methods.

“Why is Stacy cleaning the dishware? We have cleaning robots to do that for her,” asked Qwerty (his full name was much, much longer, but because it was written with every letter of one of the more commonly used human alphabets, and something about early digital communications, the humans on the I.S. Dastallria had given him the nickname). 

Xorzit’ket shrugged as best as her anatomy could manage the borrowed gesture. “Why don’t you go ask her?” 

Keep reading

Humans are Scary (humans are weird)

Ok, so just imagine that one day the crew lands on an new planet. And the usual scout and research team goes out to explore the planet. (So this team is made out of highly skilled aliens, and two humans. One a protector and one a medic.) So they’re going around this planet exploring things and all is good. That is, until the healer wanders off because he found a whole field of a rare herb. Awhile later the protector see’s that the medic is not with the rest of the group any more, so he starts yelling out his name. The aliens catch on and they start to yell their name too, one even tried to read his heat signature. But then they hear him yell “Im over here guys, don’t worry” proceeded by a scream. And the aliens freak out because “oh my gosh I’ve never seen a human run that fast” The aliens catch up to them to see a huge sabertooth like creature across the field from the medic. The protector instantly yells out the medics name and runs in between the sabertooth and the medic. The sabertooth backs up, confused. But then it starts to growl at the pair, showing its sharp teeth in the process. The protector haunches his back and snarls at him. He moves his lips back to show off his canine teeth, then let out a deep, primal sound. The sabertooth growled again and swiped at the human, who dodged and took a step foreword, letting out another deep snarl towards the creature. The protector lunged foreword and grabbed onto one of the massive fangs using as leverage before he plunged a dagger into the sabers eye. The creature flailed around and ran back into the bush. The human got up ad stared into the bush waiting for it to come back. The aliens just stare at the human in terror because, “humans aren’t suppose to be like that.” The protector finally let his defensive stance go after staring into the bush. He knelt down to the medic and hugged him whispering little things into the others ear and rubbing his back. The aliens learned something new about humans that day: Never mess with a humans mate.

What is this planet

There’s someone who has their iPhone named “hot single horses in your area” and they airdrop people pictures of horses randomly. Nobody knows who it is. Once, during an assembly, the laptop that the projector was from had airdrop turned on, and in the middle of a presentation about bullying, it popped up in front of the entire school. HOT SINGLE HORSES IN YOUR AREA WANTS TO SHARE AN IMAGE. A picture of a horse, with text in bubble letters over it saying “available”

M-melting brains? I-uh I think I might need to sit down and rethink my life.

Alien: So… when harmful foreign substances enter your bodies, you increase your body temperature?

Human: Yep

Alien: You slowly burn yourselves alive???

Human: Well when you put it like that, geez

Alien: And you regularly survive this?

Human: Mostly, but sometimes people’s bodies get too hot and their brains start melting.

Alien: ….

Human: It doesn’t happen so much anymore though, don’t worry!

Alien: Don’t worry, they say. Melting brains is fine, they say.

Self-Healing

            In addition to multiple posts I’ve seen about humans surviving injuries against all odds, we also tend to ignore injuries, letting our bodies take care of the damage. Got a broken nose? Eh, it heals itself. Cut your leg open? Slap on some ointment and some gauze; it’ll be fine. Got a concussion? A little ice and time and you’ll be fine. So many of us will suffer through pain and fevers and awful physical problems and assume the body will heal itself.

            Zork'ak was in the dining hall when the humans returned from their “cliff diving.” Several of them were laughing, but a few were clutching their head or their nose. Zork'ak rose to meet them, xer eyes cutting to the hurt members of the pack.

            “Did your trip go well?” Xe asked.

            Adam smiled. “Yeah, yeah really fun.”

            “Yeah, my broken nose was definitely really fun.” Wren muttered. Her hand was indeed covering her face with thin material catching what looked to be blood.

            “Shouldn’t you go to the medical wing?” Zork'ak asked.

            Wren shrugged. “It’ll stop and heal itself.”

            “Your body just regenerates broken extremities?” Zork'ak was more and more afraid of this species every time xe interacted with them.

            “Not regenerate, per say,” Carrie answered to Zork'ak’s right. “It’ll just heal broken bones and cartilage. Once I got in a wicked fight, got two or three broken ribs. Hurt like a bitch.”

            “And these bones? Do they also heal themselves?”

            “Oh, yeah. All of our bones heal themselves. You just have to make sure you get it set right. Usually ribs and noses they can’t do anything about.”

            Zork'ak was shocked, unsure of what to say, when xe noticed Jessica standing behind Carrie clutching her head. “Is Jessica well?”

            Jessica looked up then, squinting at the light. “Concussion,” she said.

            “What is a ‘concussion?’” Xe were almost afraid of the answer.

            “It’s when you hit your head real hard and it hurts pretty bad. It can make things disorienting.” Carrie was looking at Jessica.

            “Our medical staff should assess the damage from Jessica’s brain injury.”

            Carrie shook her head. “We gave her some pain reliever, and I’m taking her to her room. She just needs it to be dark and to rest.”

            With that, Carrie took Jessica down the corridor, and Zork'ak returned to xer seat.  

The humans sat around xem at xer empty table.

            “Hurts like hell, man. Not cool,” Steve was muttering.

            “Oh, he was being nice. I would’ve hit you real hard.” Reese smirked.

            “Are you all having a disagreement? A physical fight?” Zork'ak was alarmed. These humans could inflict extreme damage.

            “Oh, no.” Adam was laughing. “Steve got a sunburn, and I hit him on the back. It was pretty fun.”

            “You’re an asshole,” Steve said as he took a bite of his stew.

            “A ‘sunburn?’” Clearly the Klyl’s did not know anything about humans.

            “Yeah. We have to put on a layer of sunscreen, like a protective lotion, or it’ll burn our skin. Kill the top layer.”

            Zork'ak was gaping. “Our sun harms your skin?”

            “Well, it’ not as strong as our sun, but yes. We can still get burned.”

            “We must take you to the burn unit at once. We cannot allow you all to go outside if the sun is killing your skin layers.” Zork'ak started to rise from the bench.

            Steve shook his head. “Give it a few days. It goes way. The body replaces those cells with new ones.”

            Xe sank back onto xer seat. “Is there anything your body cannot heal?”

            “Oh, yeah. Some infections and diseases, heart problems, cancer. Things like that.”

            “But normal, everyday things,” Adam said, “We heal ourselves.”

            Zork'ak wondered how the scorching of one’s skin or the breaking of a bone was an 'everyday’ thing, but xe was unsure of everything xe had learned before these humans arrived. Xe needed to see the commander.

submitted by: @nonbinarygaymergirl

Okay, so like how when sheep/kids baaa at you and you baaa back and they all baaa again?? How would aliens react is if a human on their mission started making the creatures noise back at them until they all doing it.

Well…

The mission was fairly simple in Grutona’s mind: follow the tracks of certain creatures and use environmental clues to discern aspects of the creature’s lifestyle and needs. The group had been following the large, octagonal shaped prints of a swutonaton for the past several standard hours, and up to this point, they still hadn’t actually encountered the beast.

Good. Grutona was not keen on being eaten alive today, which would surely be the result of disturbing the beast. Protocol on the mission was to leave should contact be breached with any species that was not fully documented.

However, there was one member of the team that made Grutona worry. Maria seemed to take things like Protocol as more of a… guideline. Already today Maria had disregarded rules about eating wild tree fruit claiming “they have these on my planet, don’t worry!” Grutona did worry. Especially when Maria added: “Besides, they’re delicious.” Grutona knew what type of treefruit Maria was eating, and xhe was skeptical of the claim. These deadly fruits humans called “lemons” were HIGHLY acidic and sour. On xer home world, a fruit like that would be used by deadly criminals as a poison.

Needless to say, having a human on the crew had been an eye-opening, mind-boggling experience. Grutona was learning more about universal cultures on this mission than ever before, that was for certain.

It was a few more minutes of walking along the path, Grutona taking note of the way the plant life was smashed down to the side of the path of the tracks as if the swutonaton had stopped for a time and rested.

“Ah, so it appears swutonaton are a restful breed, and likely a predator species as evident by their choice location being one leaving them so vulnerable.” Kerip, another member of the team, said this clinically, xis eyes dilating further as his species was wont to do in order to get a magnified look at things. As he was examining he spoke to his partner, Bepin who recorded xis observations on a datapad.

There was a noise further down the trail, strangely like a yawn. Grutona looked over cautiously. Maria was gone. Grutona frowned and made toward the sound hoping it was just Maria doing some sort of human thing xhe was unfamiliar with and not the beast hiding in the plant life beyond planning an attack on the mission crew.

But when had luck ever been on Grutona’s side?

As xhe rounded the bend in the trail xhe was met with the horrifying sight. Xhe would have screamed if it were a characteristic of xer race. Instead, xhe stood there in shock.

Maria stood in front of the creature they were tracking all right. The only thing was, the team was entirely wrong about what they thought they were following here. They had assumed the animal was very large, at least nine or ten times the actual size of the creatures in front of them now. And creatures they were. There were at least fifteen of these creatures and they were all piled atop one another, drooling heavily, spiked tails and trunks laying anywhere. 

“I’d definitely call this a dog-pile.” Maria chuckled, completely unconcerned at the reality that basically everything they had assumed about these creatures was wrong. Maria turned to look at Grutona, eyes gleaming in mischief. “Guess we were wrong about the elephant-sized animal with forty pig-sized feet, huh?” Grutona said nothing, still reeling. They needed to leave, Protocol demanded it, and they needed to go soon before more of the creatures woke up as one was doing now.

“Hey, look! They’re starting to wake up! They’re so cute!” Maria took another step closer to them, making cooing noises as Grutona watched in horror as more of the swutonatons started to rouse. Footsteps behind xer alerted xer to the rest of the team arriving to the scene finally. 

There was a moment of stunned silence before an exasperated sound came from Bepin and Kerip started mumbling in astonishments about all the things they had wrongly ascertained. 

“We should leave,” a voice of reason finally called from the back of the group: Teriwald, the ranked officer from the ship who had been tasked with “protecting the scientists” on the expedition.

Grutona found xer voice again, finally. “You’re–”

There was a sudden, loud sound from the pile of creatures “Meeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrm.”

“Okay, that was the greatest thing I’ve ever heard,” Maria was watching the herd of swutonaton with complete adoration in her gaze. Grutona had been warned to be wary of humans when they assumed a look like this one. There was no telling what kind of things they might do next. 

Whatever Grutona had expected, it was not what Maria did next. Maybe xhe thought she would have started running in circles around the group or walk over and touch one, but xhe certainly did not predict that  Maria would raise her arms in imitation of a swutonaton trunk and repeat the noise back at them in perfect imitation. “Meeeeeeeerrrrrm!”

“What are you doing, we need to go!” Teriwald reminded in an increasingly demanding tone. 

“Calm down, Waldo, we’re fi–” Maria was cut off by several cries of the swutonaton calling back at her.

“Meeeeeerrrm!” 

“Oh, this is too good!” More of the swutonaton had stirred now, and they were climbing off of each other and standing in a herd before Maria who laughed and made the noise again. 

“Meeeerrrm!”

“MEEEEEEEEERRRRRM!!!” The entire herd of seventeen (Grutona had counted in xer moments of horror earlier) swutonaton were now calling back at Maria’s prompting. 

Nobody on the team said anything as they all watched in rapt attention Maria and the herd of swutonaton yell at each other for the next ten standard minutes. 

Humans, Grutona concluded, still half horrified, are weird.