Okay. I Have A Semi Serious Comment. On They/them Pronouns & Assuming Pronouns.

Okay. I have a semi serious comment. On they/them pronouns & assuming pronouns.

So we as people tend to use they/them if we’re certain we don’t know someone’s gender.

Y’know. The telemarketer, the person who left their keys at work, the person who forgot their coat at school, the person who left a package at your door...

& we do it naturally. ¿Yea?

You (/general) don’t find it “confusing” to use they/them for people you’ve never met.

But when you meet someone in person...

You look at their hair, their face, their clothes, & go “you MUST be a boy & use he/him” or “you MUST be a girl and use she/her” (/srs).

How bold of you. (/snark)

How bold of you to assume you know that person already.

How bold of you to forget tomboys (masculine women) & femboys (feminine men) exist among the cis population.

How bold of you to forget that even you have had longer “feminine” hair or looked “feminine” when you shaved your face.

How bold of you to forget that even you used to have short hair & used to hate dresses/skirts/blouses.

¿Wasn’t it still uncomfortable when someone called you “¿ma’am?”/“miss” or “¿sir?” & got it wrong?

How bold of you to assume based on YOUR idea of what a man should/has to look like that they were a man.

How bold of you to assume based on YOUR idea of what a woman should look like that they were a woman.

You were forced into a box of man/woman growing up. I know.

But you don’t have to fit the box either. It’s okay if they put the wrong label on your box.

You cannot force those who don’t fit the box to fit. You cannot force them to become small & Perfect™.

There are masculine people who use she/her or they/them.

There are feminine people who use he/him or they/them.

((Usually people joke/comment that feminine men “have a baby face” or masc women “look masculine”. It happens even among cis populations.))

So how bold of you.

You assume to know them already. To know their gender at a glance.

If even cis people can be wrongly identified, ¿why do you still assume you’d know the right pronouns for trans people?

This is why we ask.

This is why we ask.

Even if you are cis, I may not be able to tell for sure because presentation does not define identity.

Presentation does NOT define identity.

Just because you wear a business suit doesn’t make you employed/a businessperson.

Just because you don’t wear a wedding ring, doesn’t mean you aren’t actually married.

Just because you have short hair doesn’t mean you’re a man (or a lesbian - straight/other LGBT women can have short hair too)

& just because you have long hair doesn’t mean you’re a woman (see goth men, emo men, & any other community with long hair).

Just because you wear a name tag doesn’t mean you’re actually employed (or on the job).

Just because you paint your nails or your face doesn’t mean you’re a woman (plenty of men do it too)

So why do you assume to know? (/rhetorical)

I know you may be scared to question these things.

It’s okay to be scared. It’s not okay to try & control other people’s identities because you’re afraid to question your own.

You are allowed to question these things.

If you feel like you need permission, I am giving you permission.

Question & explore your gender identity.

Change your gender presentation.

Wear a dress/tux. Wear a chest binder (if you safely can). Wear makeup. Wear a cloak/cape. Wear Victorian clothes or a corsette. Explore.

Use different pronouns wherever you safely can—with new friends, new coworkers, online if you feel safe

& explore names wherever you safely can— a Starbucks you rarely go to, a store you rarely shop at, anywhere that asks for a name for your order.

Explore your identity. You’re allowed to change & you’re allowed to uncover parts of your child self or younger self you hid long ago.

Break the binaries. Expore nonbinary identities & experiences.

You do not have to stay stuck.

Whether you’re 13 or 65 or 100+ or whatever, it is never too late to rediscover yourself.

& ¿if the people around you (family, friends) refuse to accept your true self, your newly affirmed identity?

Find new ones. Find people who will accept you. They’re out there; your people may still be out there.

It is okay to leave a marriage, to outgrow family members, to leave behind people who deny your gender, your sexuality, your entire identity. If no one else will give you permission, I am giving you permission.

& if no one else accepts you, I do. I may not be able to be your crutch, but I see your true self & embrace all that you are.

You ARE nonbinary, you ARE trans, you ARE whoever you discover yourself to be. Free yourself to accept & grow into yourself.

It can be scary to question these things society has tried to/has embedded in everything.

But you’re allowed.

Find a safe place to explore & rediscover. You still have time.

Both for those who are too afraid to question & still assume at a glance, & for those who are starting to wonder, I see you & you are allowed to start a new journey.

From a nonbinary demiboy & a system of many, we accept you & good luck. (/genuine) 💖

((& any hate will be blocked/deleted. This is a power post & a challenge to stigma/misunderstanding. There is no space for hate here. Please find out why you are unhappy/hurting & withdraw your negativity (/genuine, gentle).))

~Nico (he/they)